A Third chance... Both still love each other and want it to work.

[leinad9969]

OK. My girlfriend (or ex now) and I broke up about 6 months ago. We had dated for 3 and a half years. We had been through everything together and we're best friends. We loved and still do love each other. We also seem to fight about the simplest things but on the grander scheme have quite similar beliefs and ideals. We can both be oversensitive and a little moody at times. I suffer from depression and have done for years- until recently untreated. I broke up with her initially. We had become distant from each other and I was constantly feeling down, as was she sometimes. Our communication lines had failed. I did something I never thought I could do to her- I cheated on her. I kissed a friend a few separate times and we slept together. When my ex and I broke up I told her about the infidelity but not the whole truth. The infidelity was not the reason for the breakup but a factor- as I thought it must be a sign- "Why would I do this if I loved my partner fully." So my partner and I split and remained as good friends. We hung out a little and I lived the single life. She expressed interest in getting back together and a majority of me wanted to but the thought of telling her the truth held me back and I was still unsure about my feelings. She started to move on, I was still feeling like I wanted her back- I told her that. We reconciled but didn't- too many issues initially- she was in single mode, i was being needy and clingy. We were together, apart, we saw other people, then sort of together. This goes on for three months. The last one and a half- quite well. We get on ok but do not really resolve anything. But things are cool. I feel that we will eventually start "going out together." One day she tells me that she has kissed someone else- and I spill all the details of the affair. Understandably that goes down not so well. She feels hurt and upset that I didn't tell her initially when we first tried to get back together. I had always intended to but the timing was never right. Writing this makes me see just how badly I have acted. She breaks it off again about 2 months ago. For a month (not straight) I plead and beg and apologise and cry. She gets frustrated at this. She also said that she still loves me and would love it if we could go back to where our relationship was a year ago but she needs time to have fun and be single. She also says that perhaps down the track if it is meant to be- we will get back together. For the last couple of weeks I have initiated no contact with her and she has started contacting me more. She has asked to meet not relationship related. She seems sad and a little lonely and we always laugh and have fun when we talk or chat. I have to keep contact to a minimum so as to get past all this and to clear my head. i am taking many steps to better myself. I am on anti-deppressents and exercising and feel so much better about myself but not what I have done. I am actively persueing a better life for myself. I am seeing a psychologist. have a new job, I am making art, keeping busy. I hate what I have done. So after that long tale- What do I do to win back the heart of a girl who in effect I do not deserve to have back? A girl who is a beautiful soul, who I know still loves me and I love deeply. Do I play it cool and let things evolve? If it is meant to be etc. One problem was that she never felt like I wooed her, presents, flowers etc. She responds well to these things but it seems to be too little, too late and reason for her to back off. She has requested some space and seems to be living up the single life. In the last couple of days she has said that she loves me and has faith that we will be together again but she needs time to be able to forgive me. I feel she is just keeping me hanging until she is ready to act but still cannot stop showing her gestures to win her heart. I am going a tad insane and any help would be much appreciated. Thank-you.

[norajane]

In the last couple of days she has said that she loves me and has faith that we will be together again but she needs time to be able to forgive me. I feel she is just keeping me hanging until she is ready to act but still cannot stop showing her gestures to win her heart.

 

I have no doubt that she really does need time to forgive you. Cheating isn't one of those things that just goes away - it affects her self-esteem, her trust for you, her faith in the genuineness of your relationship. Take her at her word. She needs time.

 

Gestures such as gifts and flowers might help if they are meaningful gestures and not just a plan to get her back. For example, one guy who had been pursuing me knew that I love growing plants, so every couple of weeks, he had the local garden center bring me a different and unusual little houseplant that would grow in my loft...it was very sweet and did a lot to make me realize he was thinking about what I wanted, not what HE wanted.

[leinad9969]

and it was all really good. We laugh and kinda flirt. No relationship talk. We hang out for a bit. Hug goodbye. I tell her about a date I went on with a girl and she gets a little funny but says it is good. I have told her I cannot wait for her to figure out what she wants but I have faith that we can work again. I am lost still though to know what to do. Do I try to move on, I feel I have to. Can I trust fate? She has asked for space but I feel I need to woo her back. She does respond to presents and heart felt gestures which I do mean. But she does move toward me when I back off. This is a crazy back and forth that is doing my head in. I feel I have to find a balance of space and gesture. Perhaps I should just go with the flow and enjoy this. ?????

[leinad9969]

When looking through all of these forums looking for signs of hope I did not really have much. I stumbled across the bookmark to this page, and now remember where I was at when I wrote this.

 

So as a follow up now to perhaps provide a little hope: Things worked out, it was not exactly an easy journey but we are now engaged to be married and in a better place then ever before.

[overpass]

live well. care for yourself. let her work through her thoughts and emotions while you do the same. sure, you messed up, we all do; however, even when there is a major event that can be pointed at as the determining factor in the demise of the relationship, the relationship still fell apart according to the efforts, or lack thereof, of BOTH parties in the relationship. don't take all the blame, but do take care of yourself. if you both become healthier individuals for sorting through the pain, then perhaps you can one day come back together with more wisdom, trust and devotion. regardless, don't force the issue. remain in gentle contact. stay light and somewhat aloof. if it's meant to be, the unknown laws of attraction will force you back together.

 

be well