I need some help and advise PLZ

[JanieSki]

Hi

I am new here, now firstly please will people not use this subject to start being holy and moral issues, lifes not that simple, so here goes.................

 

Me, been married for 18mnths now, 2nd marriage,this marriage I was harressed into,by my hubby, I know that sounds stupid but you dont know him, I eventually agreed after a 1st crappy ending marriage thinking it would make me more stable and secure. I have 2 kids from my previous, have to tell you this background before i get to my question so you understand it all

 

this marriage has now turned into an abusive marriage from hell, he shouts and is a control freak, there is no better way to discribe him, he lays in heavy to my kids over the slightist stuff, he shouts at me during dissagreements,name calling at 1st,then pushing and shoving, then in oct this year a heavy cup smashed into my head, causing heavy bleeding and 10 stitches to my head, I cant forgive him this, I cant, I feel so numb since,like im awake but just not joining in on life

 

ive become depressed, and cant function as a proper mother, Im getting angry and upset at the slightist things with them I dont want this marriage to work purley because he scares me and once that happens I dont think you can repair that kind of damage......................

 

now heres the question, I have been talking to a guy,online since march, mainly to get away from my real world,just to forget my troubles for a while each night whilst the kids are in bed,

 

we got on so well,he swopped numbers and texted each other often, I told him stuff about me,even the bad stuff, he never gave an opnion much,but told me I should sort myself out,because it wasnt healthy living like that, he never hassled me into meeting him,

 

for 9 months we went on like this texting and very occasionally talking on the fone, He is in the UK army,based about 10 miles from me,about 10 days ago, he rang me and said that he is going to be drafted to kuwait,over this Iraq war stuff, I was upset at this a bit,scared of losing my friend,

 

so i suggested that maybe we should meet soon, in case I never get to meet him, and we did, the day b4 xmas eve, I was so nervous, he was too, I could tell,but the attraction was huge, we talked in his office for 3 hrs non stop,I could see that he genually liked me,I felt this,we did kiss,and we did make love,but after making love,he seemed a little distant, I couldnt work this out at first why, I asked him and he said he doesnt know why he is,he gave the excuse he felt tired, anyway, it was time for me to go,

 

HE said not me HIM, that he would ring me , and asked what day could he ring, so i suggested Xmas day, he made a point of asking coz he didnt want me to think that he didnt want to know me more etc coz we made love ie one night stand, he said he would ring as long as he could get a top up card for his mobile, because he is on duty for the whole of the xmas period, and security goes up during this,

 

hes not allowed off base at all, until after the new year, so he said, that he would use his last 30p on his mobile to text me, we parted and he held my hand b4 I droped him off at the guard gates, didnt kissed me, but i could tell he wanted to,but he was back on duty by then,

 

I went home, I did feel guilty,not that I was married, but because Of this army guy, he said he wasnt into breaking marriages up, and that hes carried this on with me, because he likes me, alot........I rang hime the next night, just to say thank you, and I hoped that what happened would not affect our friendship, even if he didnt want us to have sexual and more deep relationship, I was worried that I was gonna lose my friend in him, and that I valued that more than anything else, and I was paraniod that I wouldnt hear from him again, etc

 

i left this on his voice mail, he doesnt often have his fone on due to his kind of work, he did text me back after I tried to ring him again that night,but it seemed as if he was putting the fone down on me, but not sure it could have been loss of signal?, but in the text it reads 'merry xmas xxx nothing has changed except i feel like a ****,coz ur wed(married),my fone has no credit call u asap dont be paranoid will chat soon hope ur ok txt me xxx'.

 

that was 3 days ago, im freaking coz i cant get his fone to ring goes onto answering machine, i've texted him loads,not thinking that he cant text back of course,i want him to know he should not feel like a ****,

 

it was my decsion to make love with him, and if my marriage was to breakup, it would have nothing to do with him,i so scared that I Have lost him,because he cant deal with me being married, it cant be just a one night stand, i felt something with him, and i know he did too,he sent me that text too,that doesnt sound like a one night stand does it?,

 

I dont know what to do now, do i keep ringing him, and hopefully get him on his fone? do i go down there and ask for him to talk with him? thats if i can?, or do i wait and wait until he does get in contact, but then he may think i dont want to know and never get in contact,

 

im so confused too, i dont want to hassle him in to talking with me, but maybe i have the right?..........help please any good and non jugdemental advise please

[JMay]

IMHO: The last thing in the world you need to worry about is being unfaithful. Your first order of business is getting youself and your precious children SAFELY OUT of your abusive marriage.

 

It sounds to me that you have some fairly serious issues yourself - dependency and low self-esteem for starters. I would assume that you make a habit of jumping from one relationship to another without taking any time to heal yourself or help your children heal. You are doing yourself a great disservice.

 

My advice is simple: contact a shelter or counseling center, and get out of your marriage. Be mature enough to put your relationship with this new man on the back burner so that you have time and energy to devote to your children and your own mental health. Go to counseling and stick with it, for years if need be. Do not get into another relationship until you are more well adjusted and your children have stability. When the time is right, you may be able to begin a healthy relationship with a non-violent and more 'available' man. Until then, make sure that you make yourself and your children your priority.

 

There are many resources on the internet such as

 

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/helplines.htm

 

- just type "domestic violence" into the search box. If you are doing a serch on the internet however, make sure you clear your browser (many DV sites will tell you how to do this) before you log off, so your husband does not track your internet use.

 

Good luck.

[lostone]

JanieSki: First off, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I deal/see domestic violence everyday at work and see the almighty devastation that a family goes through before the positive is brought out. When you go and get help, you get the bad out and the positives are brought out so you can do nothing but live a much better life.

 

You, no one deserves this type of situation. In today's world, there is a plethora of counselors and other professional people per se that do nothing but help people like you in these situations.

 

Not to preach or to freak you out: unfortunately most homicides are domestic related. Remember that children that witness an abusive upbringing are much more likely to commit the same types of mistakes in the future.

 

Do nothing but improve you and your childrens lives!!!!!!!

 

 

The best of luck.

[Just A Girl2]

Don't mean to be confrontational but in regards to what you wrote here:

 

I am new here, now firstly please will people not use this subject to start being holy and moral issues, lifes not that simple, so here goes.................

 

...I think it's inappropriate and somewhat arrogant, to come to a place such as this, for the first time, and start your post off by requesting that people word their responses to you in such a way so that they refrain from bringing up "holy and moral issues." People who take the time to read your post, and decide to reply, can reply to you in a way THEY feel is fitting. Getting all defensive and ?uppity, from the start, it's kind of uncalled for, IMO.

 

Now....after reading what you wrote, I can't help but wonder why on earth your greatest concern here is this "other guy", and not getting yourself and your CHILDREN out of such an abusive and volatile home? THIS should be your #1 priority. Your children are innocent parties and as their mother, you are ultimately responsible for ensuring they are in a good home, that's free from violence, abuse (physical/verbal/emotional) and chaos.

 

Secondly, you freely admit to being married to an abuser........so what I can't understand is, why are you behaving in such a way (chatting with/phoning/meeting/having sex with) that should he find out, you'll surely be in for more abuse? If he did in fact pressure you into marrying him (though how is this possible?...short of putting a gun to your head at the altar), that would indicate that he's very aggressive and ?manipulative and controlling..........now how do you think he's going to BE if/WHEN he finds out you've been horsing around behind his back? Use your head!!

 

I'm actually quite shocked that the "concern" in your post here, is your inability to get in touch with this "other guy", and not anything to do with seeking advice on how to get you and your innocent children out of the hellish situation that you're all in.

 

Regardless of what age your children are, being in a home where there's fighting and yelling and tension and aggression and abuse......that will surely have a last, if not lifetime, affect on them. It will also have a direct impact on their future relationships when they're older (romantic relationships).

 

I think you need to get your priorities straight, immediately.

 

As others have suggested, you need to contact a Battered Women's Shelter and get some guidance on how to SAFELY get yourself and your children out of the home, etc. Not familiar with what services like this there are in the UK, but I'm sure they're available. You admit that your husband is "heavy with" your poor children, and that he's physically injured you.......how will you feel if he "goes too far" and seriously/lethally injuries your children?

[JanieSki]

justagirl, thank you for replying,but as I said I am now separated,my kids are no longer seeing arguments etc, thats being all delt with, I just wanted an input into my other Friend, he was and still is a rock to me, you dont relise how much he helped me get through some very dark times, and it is for that reason why I do not want to lose him as a friend, I dont want another relationship at this present moment, I know that maybe I should not have let it go that far, and I dont know why i let, maybe it was a comfort thing? who knows......... but all that I have learned in life is, that when you find a friend like that, you dont just turn your back on them, friends are very hard to find.

[Debster]

I re-read your post, and I must admit I could be suffering from post-turkey syndrome - but I could not see anything about you being separated.

 

If that is the case, then I'm glad you got your children out of that situation. However, I agree with justagirl2 that your priority should be your children (and yourself) and making sure they are adjusting to the change.

 

Allow yourself time to heal before jumping into another romance. I think that is what your friend wants you to do - he probably doesn't want to be a rebound. Heal yourself and keep him as a friend. Once you're sure it's not a rebound and that you and your children are ok - then look at trying to pursue a romantic relationship.

[same ol' song]

i get you. i am glad you are separated, are you happy? i don't think there is a wrong or right in every situation, especially in matters of the heart. i could be wrong, but i think the people who post and convey such anger, probably were cheated on or husbands left them. they sound so angry. i don't think by being insulting is at all helpful, not saying don't be honest, but there is a way to say stuff. people who post just want to talk not be berated. they are looking for advise and to get a reality check in some instances. those women who are somewhat hostile probabyy feel good berating other women who cheated, etc., because they feel they are getting off their chest their feelings of hurt they have felt being a "victim".