i cheated 5 yrs ago and needed to come clean to marry my"wife"

[fastdog491]

well one day 5 yrs ago i cheated on my gf.we have been togher for allmost 8 yrs she has 2 lovly kids and i have none .i admited to her i cheated and over the last month i have supported her did everything i could to show im sorry from writing her poems and letters and notes ive did all her cleaned i have even begged for forgiveness.well come to find out she has been talking to her ex husband "about her kids"

 

but i dont beleve that becouse she hated him this long now all of a sudden she is calling him and he is calling her.well now shes left to stay away to think .

 

i thought i did the right thing by telling her but now she dont want to be with me she said the thought of me and that girl makes her sick .ive tryed to assure her i wanted to come clean to marry her shes supposed to come by tonight to talk any help would be thankfull

[fastdog491]

sorry left some things out.well after i admited i cheated she has told me she is numb and she needs space everyone has told her i love her and i should be givin a chance well she told me she cant get over the hurt and when she asks my why i done it i say i dont really know and if i told u diffrent i would be lieing .she wants to be friends and be roomates i know it wont work i know this .she wont kiss me on the lipps tell me she loves me hell hvnt had any "special"love in over a month what could i say to her to help her get over this hurt please respond someone

[mental_traveller]

I think your only option is to give her time to get over it. And you have to accept that maybe she won't, it might be too much for her. Just suck it up & hope for the best, don't pressure her.

[Davis]

Oh boy. This advice might be a little too late. This is complicated. Well Fast, it's too late to change that you told her, but this is the reason not to tell. There has been lots of debate on LS about telling or not telling. IMO, I would not tell just for the reason you're experiencing. I know others disagree with me.

 

What was the circumstance to your cheating? One it a one-time event or an affair?? This makes a big difference. If it was a one-time, you may have a little more room for explanation to her. I don't think poems and love notes are the answer. She doesn't care how YOU feel, she only cares how much SHE hurts and how she feels. You're gonna have to dig DEEP in your emotions and deliver.

 

1). Explain it was a one time event, not an on going affair. Tell her "not to make an excuse, because I have none, it happened because... I can't tell you how sorry I am".

 

2) "Not that it makes it hurt you less, but it was a one-time "event" not a pattern of behavior. It was a big mistake".

 

3) You deeply regretted your behavior and it never happened again.

 

4) You now know the full impact of the hurt you caused her and you're very, very sorry. You can't even imagine how much you hurt her. You know it makes her sick to think about it. Now you know how sick it would make you to think of her with another man.

 

5) That you were too ashamed to tell her and you knew it would hurt her. You decided to tell her because you have been haunted by it for 5 years and you wanted to be completely honest with her and not hide anything especially since you were going to marry her.

 

6) That "you know she may never trust you again, but you have nothing to hide and will do anything to try to rebuild her trust; put GPS on your car, have all you phone records out in the open at the house, tell her where you are all the time". You will have to work hard for years to go over the top to show her you are trust worthy.

 

7) You're going to have to back way, way off on her. What are you thinking bro, you haven't had sex with her in a month?? Are you still a selfish prick only thinking of your own desires? You better get off that track. This relationship, unlike your affair, is not all about you.

 

I think I would try to have a conversation with her and get all of this out. At the end tell her that you truely love her and you understand if she wants nothing to do with you.

 

You "want her in your life and hope she chooses to give you the opportunity to prove yourself". After all that is said, I don't think you have much choice but to do some NC; no notes, no poems, no emails. If she contacts be positive, friendly and happy to hear from her. Do not beg.

 

You might log onto Dr. Phil's site because he has dealt with this issue on his show. Good luck.

[fastdog491]

I think your only option is to give her time to get over it. And you have to accept that maybe she won't, it might be too much for her. Just suck it up & hope for the best, don't pressure her.

 

 

 

well i have gave her time i have moved out and now she is out with her friends its cool but im getting mixed messages now 1 min she wants to be around me .i have tok her out to eat 5 times this last 2 weeks .well she will talk to me on the phone but she dont want to come over and see me everyday but it seems like she wants to work this out but in another sence she dont i see it like this and please correct me if im wrong thats why i posted this if she didnt want to "work" things out why would she want to hang with me or even talk to me why would she invite me over for dinner and ask me to stay here for a night and be with the dogs if she didnt want to get back with me right?

please let me know asap ty vm for all ur guys help ur the best

[Andie]

I agree with Davis. You need to give HER time to grieve and forgive... Comming clean is often about the person who screwed up and not about the other person. It is your need to feel clean about what you did and although it sounds like a noble thing to do the consequences over the other person are devastating. So is your need to be at peace with yourself more important than the emotional integrity of your partner? My guess is YES...Do you feel guilty? talk to a therapist or a priest, specially if all that happend was a one night stand... You can learn from your mistake without breaking her heart and last but not least forgiveness has to come from within you first; after that you can ask other to forgive you

I really hope things will work out fine for you two

Best wishes

[BohemeRose]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about her talking to her ex-husband. She may hate him, but if they have kids together you can bet your butt that she's going to want to do what's best for them, even if it means setting aside her differences with her ex-husband at times to have a conversation pertaining to them. That's what mothers do.

 

But in any case, you're the one who screwed up and cheated on her. For you to turn around and expect her to have done/to eventually do the same is not only damaging to yourself but to the relationship as well. She needs time to heal and rebuild her trust in you, and pointing fingers is going to stunt, if not abolish that process.