Friends with benefits and a fiance too :-(

[othiscrazyluv]

I need help BADLY!!!! I have a friend ("Jake") whom I have known since I was 5. We attended school together, and in highschool our friendship turned into a friends with benefits situation, things happening from our Sophomore year all the way to our senior year, but only occasionally. After we graduated, I started dating someone seriously ("Bill"), whom I have been dating ever since, and now we are engaged to marry in about a month (we have been together about 6 years). Jake is now in a relationship as well (long distance), and we have remained friends through the years, but our friends with benefits relationship stopped after high school. Or so i thought. Recently, Jake and his girlfriend went through a rough patch and temporarily split up. I offered advice on how to fix his situation, and it worked, we always turn to each other with relationship problems since we have known each other so long and so well. However, Jake came to me with a proposition. He had never been with anyone else sex wise besides his current gf, and I had never been with anyone else sex wise besides my current fiance. He said that he had wondered about what it would be like to be with someone else, and we talked about it and for many reasons, we decided that we would go ahead and have sex, (once was the plan), so that we would get it out of our systems while we were young and we wouldnt have to wonder when we got married and had a family. Both of our significant others had cheated on us at some point in our relationships as well, and we held a lot of resentment towards them for that, so we had hoped that this would be able to fix that, knowing in our hearts that being guilty of the same, we would no longer be able to throw the cheating back our significant others faces. So that night came and went, and it was not awkward or strange at all. I just think it was meant to happen. And even though I dont believe in cheating, I know it was the right thing for me to do in this case. HOWEVER.... I recieved a message today from Jake saying that he was confused about what had happened, that he liked it, and sometimes it felt like he wanted to do it again... and suggested we re start our friends with benefits relationship, but keep our current relationships as well. He says he doenst want a relationship with me besides the one we already have... He is always asking to see if I have any feelings for him... and I dont know if he is scared that i will have feelings develop or he is scared that feelings are developing on his end... it sounds kind of like he is trying to convince himself but i dont know.... We have a long and deep history together, and I dont want to ruin our friendship because he means a lot to me. I need advice on how to handle this!!! I am supposed to get married in a month!!!What should I do????

[norajane]

Forget the marriage, forget the friends with benefits. You are not ready to be in a committed lifetime relationship, and you certainly don't need to get in the middle of his messed up head by screwing around with him while he's with someone else.

 

Seriously - where is your common sense? You shouldn't even be asking this question - it should be perfectly clear to you that cheating is wrong, since you were cheated on.

[othiscrazyluv]

no need to be rude here... I obviously know that cheating is wrong since it had been done to me before. And I have tried to forgive and forget but everytime my fiance and I have an argument it winds up coming up and it gets thrown in his face which he hates. Its not like I did it because I was being some whore... It was a one time thing, which was supposed to make the picture clearer for both Jake and I. Unfortunately it just confused me even more... and I do love my fiance to death, we have been together 6 years and people make mistakes... I'm trying to find out what people think about the situation... no rudeness is necessary... geez people. Please dont judge me unless your hands are clean... thats not necessary.

[norajane]

Sorry you thought I was rude - I was being honest.

 

You know the long term devastation that cheating leaves in its wake. And now you know the confusion of being a cheater. Yet you are asking what you should do. Do you really want to cheat again? Do you think that's going to un-confuse you or make things better?

 

You should tell your friend NO, no more cheating.

 

And you should think long and hard about getting married when you have so many questions about wanting to be with another man or not having experienced other men.

[othiscrazyluv]

my question is not whether or not i should cheat again. I am not planning on doing that at all. My question is what the hell is going on with this guy??? Does he want more from me than a friends with benefits situation or is he just being a pig? I need to get this **** straightened out before my wedding... I dont need to experience more men... I am fine after this whole situation trust me. I need to know so that we can talk it over and preserve our friendship because it is important to me. You cant just throw away a relationship that you've had since you were 5 because of one night. But I am trying to figure out what he wants... I'm confused about that part. And I need to know so that i can get it straightened out... and soon.

[norajane]

Why can't you tell him that you don't want a friends with benefits relationship, and you just want to be friends? I don't see how that would ruin your friendship.

[littlepiggy1]

It was a one time thing, which was supposed to make the picture clearer for both Jake and I. Unfortunately it just confused me even more...

 

Cheating to fix cheating. Oi. This isn't what you want to hear, but I agree with norajane: you are not in a position to get married. You need to take a break, possibly breaking off the engagement until you can sort yourself out. Add the fact that your fiance's cheating is still an issue doesn't bode well either. A marriage is not going to fix any of that and is simply going to make things more difficult and complicated. Get out now, get your head straight and come back to a marriage when you are ready for that level of commitment.

 

As for your friend, it's pretty much irrelevant what is going on in his head. You have already stated that you aren't going to be sleeping with him again, so that should be a shut case.

[Star Gazer]

I need to get this **** straightened out before my wedding...

 

Why?????? If you're fully committed to your FIANCE, it shouldn't matter what Jake's intentions are. You're NOT fully committed to your fiance, Bill (as evidenced by cheating on him), and you're not capable of having a no-strings-attached FWB relationship with "Jake."

 

I agree whole-heartedly with NJ, regardless if I come across as rude. You are not ready for a relationship. Move on from both of them.

[Citizen Erased]

You seriously thought that cheating would HELP your relationship? It was what RUINED your relationship in the first place! You both just wanted to have sex with each other, your excuses are just a cop-out and I suspect deep down you know it.

 

If you are for real, then your next step then should be telling your fiance. You know about his, so he needs to know about yours. Otherwse your marriage will be based on a complete lie.

[othiscrazyluv]

No, i didnt think cheating would HELP my relationship. I just thought that it would be better in the long run knowing i couldnt throw it in his face anymore, even though of course it was stupid to think that. And I did tell him that i dont want a friends with benefits relationship, but that wont fix what feelings, if any, he is already experiencing. If he feels more for me and doesnt tell me, its going to make our relationship weird and I dont want that at all. I have to fix what is going on with Jake and I, and not just avoid the issue because that surely wont help anything. And once thats settled, I will tell Bill. Its only right. But i want to solve all aspects of the problem... avoiding them all together is just not the answer.

[littlepiggy1]

This is what you wrote in the OP:

 

I recieved a message today from Jake saying that he was confused about what had happened, that he liked it, and sometimes it felt like he wanted to do it again... and suggested we re start our friends with benefits relationship, but keep our current relationships as well.

 

It seems pretty clear what he wants. And you're worried about it making your relationship weird??? It sounds too late for that. You're in deep over this and you need to dig yourself out. Stop worrying about what is going on in someone else's head and worry about your own.

[Citizen Erased]

No, i didnt think cheating would HELP my relationship. I just thought that it would be better in the long run knowing i couldnt throw it in his face anymore, even though of course it was stupid to think that. And I did tell him that i dont want a friends with benefits relationship, but that wont fix what feelings, if any, he is already experiencing. If he feels more for me and doesnt tell me, its going to make our relationship weird and I dont want that at all. I have to fix what is going on with Jake and I, and not just avoid the issue because that surely wont help anything. And once thats settled, I will tell Bill. Its only right. But i want to solve all aspects of the problem... avoiding them all together is just not the answer.

 

The fact that your first priority is seeing that poor little Jake is okay with you, rather than your impending marriage says alot. You have just cheated on the person you are meant to be spending the rest of your life with and all you can think of is your "friendship" with this guy.

 

Fact is there should never again be a friendship between you and Jake. You have both crossed a boundary not ever meant to be crossed. Do you honestly think that if Bill forgives you that he will just let you have any sort of relationship with Jake? You are seriously in denial if you do.

[othiscrazyluv]

I'm not putting Jake first. It just seems less stressful to me to settle one issue at a time... why would i want to upset Bill, and have the issue going on with Jake at the same time.... If i can settle one issue at a time and make it easier on myself.. that just makes sense. Time will tell how it will go... Nothing is ever going to happen between Jake and I again, sexually. But I dont want to throw away our friendship either. To me thats just stupid. I know that if i put my mind to it i can save both relationships. It will take a lot of work but I know I can do it. I'm stubborn like that. Always have been.

[corazoncito]

othiscrazyluv, I think they point that people are making and that you are not seeing is that when you agree to marry someone, you are committing to making that person and your relationship with them the highest priority in your life. But you are more worried about whether Jake will still like you if you don't continue to have sex with him. You are most definitely not putting your fiance first.

 

Honestly, put the brakes on the wedding and seek a couples counselor. I really don't get the impression you have truly thought through the tremendous commitment that marriage is. And it doesn't seem that you and your fiance are very committed to each other or even compatible since you both decided to turn to people outside your relationship in times of problems instead of turning to each other and working out the actual problem.

[norajane]

I'm not putting Jake first. It just seems less stressful to me to settle one issue at a time... why would i want to upset Bill, and have the issue going on with Jake at the same time.... If i can settle one issue at a time and make it easier on myself.. that just makes sense. Time will tell how it will go... Nothing is ever going to happen between Jake and I again, sexually. But I dont want to throw away our friendship either. To me thats just stupid. I know that if i put my mind to it i can save both relationships. It will take a lot of work but I know I can do it. I'm stubborn like that. Always have been.

 

But you aren't in control of either of them.

 

You can't make Bill forgive your deliberate cheating - this was not a drunken mistake, but a premeditated act:

 

I had never been with anyone else sex wise besides my current fiance. He said that he had wondered about what it would be like to be with someone else, and we talked about it and for many reasons, we decided that we would go ahead and have sex, (once was the plan), so that we would get it out of our systems while we were young and we wouldnt have to wonder when we got married and had a family.

 

And even if he did forgive your cheating so close to your wedding - a month away - he will likely tell you that you cannot be 'friends' with your cheating partner if you have any hope of being married to him. If you are going to commit to this man for life, you will have to give up Jake in order to somewhat reassure your fiance that it won't happen again when his back is turned and your 'friend' suggests a little rendezvous...or when your marriage hits the dull side and your 'friend' is there waiting to liven things up for you...you see? Bill will be plagued with doubts and he's not going to tolerate you keeping Jake around.

 

And even if Bill somehow did all that, you have no control over Jake and what he wants or doesn't want, what he will choose or not choose, what he will tell his girlfriend...what makes you think his gf would be ok with you continuing to be 'friends' with Jake once she finds out he cheated? Oh, right, he won't tell her. Even so, you still can't control how he feels, whatever that might be. So, if you tell him you won't be FWB, perhaps he might want to throw the friendship away - you can't control that, either.

[norajane]

othiscrazyluv, I think they point that people are making and that you are not seeing is that when you agree to marry someone, you are committing to making that person and your relationship with them the highest priority in your life. But you are more worried about whether Jake will still like you if you don't continue to have sex with him. You are most definitely not putting your fiance first.

 

Honestly, put the brakes on the wedding and seek a couples counselor. I really don't get the impression you have truly thought through the tremendous commitment that marriage is. And it doesn't seem that you and your fiance are very committed to each other or even compatible since you both decided to turn to people outside your relationship in times of problems instead of turning to each other and working out the actual problem.

 

Exactly!!!

[Tony T]

I'm not putting Jake first. It just seems less stressful to me to settle one issue at a time... why would i want to upset Bill, and have the issue going on with Jake at the same time.... If i can settle one issue at a time and make it easier on myself.. that just makes sense. Time will tell how it will go... Nothing is ever going to happen between Jake and I again, sexually. But I dont want to throw away our friendship either. To me thats just stupid. I know that if i put my mind to it i can save both relationships. It will take a lot of work but I know I can do it. I'm stubborn like that. Always have been.

 

First, Jake is a guy and all he's looking for is a bit of strange on the side...plain and simple. You don't even have to think about where he's coming from anymore. Sex without all the other stuff that should go with it is just pure, raw sport sex.

 

If by chance you work things out where you and Jake can remain friends, you have my absolute word that will dissolve over time as both of you move on in life, get married, have children, etc. Honestly, anyway you slice it...and no matter how liberal you future mate may be...he's not going to think a whole lot about you being close friends with another male unless he's vitally involved in that friendship as well. I don't care what he says now. I've been there, done that and have the T-Shirt to prove it!

 

There are lots of things you need to work on with your fiance. This anger and resentment over his cheating in the past and the residual distrust...that may be something you can't overcome. Yes, I know you feel it sort of mildly but it's very much there still and you remain hurt.

 

Take your attention off of other males and concentrate on your primary relationship in this important stage. You need to pay close attention to a LOT of details here. This may be something you don't want to proceed with.

[othiscrazyluv]

good point.

[Sal Paradise]

You need to tell your fiance what happened and cut all ties to this friend. Or you need to break up with your fiance and be with this friend. You can't have both. It simply won't work. You will cheat again. You didn't plan on doing it this time and it happened. Exposure and cutting ties is the only way.