thoughts, suggestions

[topax]

hi everyone,

im 43 years old with two children ( ages 19 and 13). i have been divorced for 5 years and have had one serious relationship since then. it didnt work out and caused me a great deal of pain. i have avoided dating since then and just concentrated on raising my kids, a new career and being back in college. 2 months ago i met a man. for only the 2nd time in my life i have met someone who actually gives me a "spark". there is of course the physical attraction to him but much more importantly the emotional attraction. we have so much in common. i love the way he thinks, laughs, looks...everything. my problem is...well actually the first problem is.. one month before we met he met a woman and began dating her...so hes not available to me. the 2nd problem is he is 36..never married, no kids and having a family is something he hopes for.

we spend quite a bit of time together...very innocent time together..we talk, laugh, watch movies, share meals etc...but nothing romantic whatsoever. i am very concious to not flirt with him or anything close to it. i know he enjoys my company. he initiates our time together as frequently as i do. he is a good man and loyal to the woman he is dating. he does not flirt with me but we do speak of how much our relationship means to eachother.

even if he was avaialble to me i know its not a plausible relationship because of his hopes for a family. i have been in love before...at least what i think is love ( how do we ever know for sure that our definitions are accurate). i think i am in love with him. i love him enough to want him to be happy even if its with someone else. seeing him happy is more important that seeing him with me. so why am i so sad? im getting what my brain tells me i want. i miss him so much when im away from him. i ache from not being able to speak about my feelings to him. how am i going to get past this? is it possible do you think to maintain a closely bonded friendship with an underlying feeling of love? anyone else been ina similar situation?

[Not_That_Innocent]

I think it's normal that you feel sad because you have made an emotional connection with him. But if he is dating someone else, I think you should cease being friends with him because more than likely your feelings for him will come on stronger and stronger. I know you say that he is a good man, a loyal man, but I have to doubt that since he is dating someone. Unless the other woman knows about you. Does she?

 

The fact that you have kids and have never been married isn't the point. If the two of you were to hit it off and be together I don't think that would stand in your way. Just the fact that he is with someone else is your biggest obstacle and that is what you need to focus on. I think you should stop getting together with him. He may not be trying to hurt you on purpose, but you're obviously getting hurt and I don't think it's going to feel any better as long as he is with someone else. Just my two cents.

[hope1975]

I know exactly how you feel. I am in pretty much the same situation myself & agonized for months over whether I should stay friends with this man. I am closer to him then to most people in my life, and we can talk about anything, so in the end I was honest with him. I told him the truth & we remained friends. He knows how I feel & is extremely understanding of my feelings, he never makes me feel embarrased for the way I feel. If I get upset or jealous, we talk about it & clear the air & I always feel better. If you have a really close bond with this man, just be honest. Even if nothing can happen romantically, you may still be one of the most important women in his life...love has alot of different levels, and who knows what will happen in the future?