I keep digging at him

[BlackSwan]

My ex cheated on me for two years, and he cheated on her with me for two years. Neither of us knew. When I found out, I ended up sending her an email and we talked for hours and pieced together all his lies. She broke up with him after talking to me.

 

I had already broken up with him by the time I talked with her. So I never got a chance to give him a piece of my mind when I knew the full truth.

 

So because I never got a chance to say everything, I've started digging at him in emails every other day or so. Each email, I pick some lie he told me and spell it all out for him and ask him why he did it, why he had no conscience, why he chose to hurt two people. And then I ask him why he can't even aplogize. Why?

 

It's making me feel better to do this. I don't expect any answers. And i know he won't apologize. But it gives me a chance to vent. And each email is short, so it's likely he'll read it over a long, bitchy email.

 

I think of it as water torture - drop by drop, lie by lie. Even if he has no conscience, I want to force him to think about what he did even if it's for the minute it takes to read or delete.

 

Do you think this email water torture might work to at least make him realize his actions have consequences and he can't just go on his merry way and forget what he did?

[littlepiggy1]

I think you are wasting your time. If I were him, I would have simply automatically routed any emails from you to my trash bin.

[Enema]

You're obsessing over the past.

 

Stop wasting your life and move on.

[BeachBlonde]

Honestly, he knew what he did, and I doubt he's going to sit and dwell about what he did wrong whether you keep e-mailing him or not. Pretty soon he's just not going to respond. I know you guys probably didn't have any real closure, and you never got any answers, but trust me...sometimes it's better that way. Forget about him and move on.

[norajane]

 

Actually, I think that's kinda funny.

 

Swan, if it makes you feel better to do this and it is helping you make your way to closure by expressing everything you feel, then keep doing it. I read your other thread so I know this is very recent for you and you are still struggling to cope.

 

And I know how frustrating it can be to have so many things you want to say to the lying jerk and not have an outlet - it makes your head swim with words and makes it harder to let go because you keep thinking about what you wish you had a chance to say.

 

But don't keep it up forever. You do need to let go eventually, to stop thinking about him and move on.

 

As for him, either he already knows what an ass he was, or he never will. If he did this for a couple of years, he had plenty of time to consider what he was doing and he still did it. However, who knows? Maybe getting a daily reminder that he screwed you over and that he's responsible will remind him that there really are people with feelings on the other end of his lies. At least he'll know you are pissed and think he's scum and aren't pining away for him to come back to you!

[Guest]

I think you need to do what you've got to do.

 

I read about murderers and sadistic killers who plead innocent even with the evidence in their face. I do it to remind me that people who do reprehensible things don't feel remorse and never will, that is why they can do it in the first place. It is hard to understand for a normal person.

 

The only remorse they ever has is usually to get them less jail time. Even with family members crying in their faces , begging why did you do it, not a shred of emotion, unless they think showing remorse will get them less jail time. Which is fundamentally wrong, because someone showing remorse does not take away from that they were very aware what they were doing was wrong from the beginning.

 

I think what he did to you does not put him in such a different category as them- conscience wise.

 

I read your post-thank goodness you found out sooner rather than later!

May I ask a few questions-just for clarity for other people-as a warning?

 

Did you ever meet this "out of town friend" he said he was going out with, when he wa actually spending the night with the other woman?

 

Did you ever offer to join them (him and his out of town friend), and what was his response?

 

Was this a regular thing-like weekly?

 

I don't mean to sound blaming-I am just wondering how he did that for so long wthout you getting suspicious--what I'm trying to figure out is what he did to allay your fears (if there were any) that all was normal and fine??

 

Or if he had many more complex trcks also?

 

Forewarned is forearmed! This could be alike a public service announcement on your part

[BlackSwan]

I read your post-thank goodness you found out sooner rather than later!

May I ask a few questions-just for clarity for other people-as a warning?

 

Some of the answers you're looking for are in my other thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115758/

 

Did you ever meet this "out of town friend" he said he was going out with, when he wa actually spending the night with the other woman?

 

I met that guy, but a long time ago, so he does exist. They've been friends for years and he does come into town on business every now and then. My ex also visitshim and his wife and kids in their city once a year. But I never met him when he was in town or since we started dating.

 

Did you ever offer to join them (him and his out of town friend), and what was his response?

 

He only used that excuse with that guy once. But yes, I did offer. My ex told me he would be meeting him at the guy's dad's house since he knows his dad, too, and the dad lived way out in the suburbs. My ex is godfather to one of his friend's kids, so I didn't think there was anything strange about that.

Was this a regular thing-like weekly?

 

He would see her during the week and me on weekends for the most part. He would use other excuses like going out with one of his other friends or the guys from work or the guys from softball or the guys on his football team. His mom lives 2 hours away, so sometimes he would say he was going there for the weekend to help her with stuff. Plus, he played softball on a league during the summer, so I usually wouldn't see him on those nights, but he would go to her place after the game. But sometimes he would come see me after the game.

 

I don't mean to sound blaming-I am just wondering how he did that for so long wthout you getting suspicious--what I'm trying to figure out is what he did to allay your fears (if there were any) that all was normal and fine??

We knew each other for 15 years and we started dating when I lived in another city. We were long distance at first, so I had no way of knowing what he was doing here. I would see him during the week when I came on business and would stay for the weekend. He'd even pick me up at the airport and we'd go to my hotel. Or if I had the rental car, I'd meet him at his place or we'd both meet at my hotel. Or when I came to visit my family, and on holidays since I always came home for those. Sometimes we went on vacations together or he would come visit for a weekend or we would meet halfway in another city.

 

That went on for over a year. Then I moved back, but I still traveled for business so that made it easy for him to see her during the week. When I talked with her, she said now she understood why their dating pattern changed from weekends to during the week.

Or if he had many more complex trcks also?

 

He used every trick he could. He told her he was watching the Superbowl with his football team buddies, but he saw it with me. He told her he was spending a lot of those weekends at his mom's place because he was building a deck for her and replacing the windows on her place. Stuff like that. One time when we went on vacation, he told her he had gone alone. Another time he told her he was visiting that out of town friend.

 

He used the working late excuse with me during the week, as well as having to do a lot of stuff on his house like fixing the furnace and replacing the roof and being busy fixing the breaks on his car. I'm sure he was doing some of that stuff, but probably not as much as he lied about. One time he went on vacation with her and told me he was going to visit his brother who lives in another state. I'm sure he would spend weekends with her when I'd go visit my sister.

 

On holidays, he usually went to his mom's place. It was just a matter of him figuring out which one of us he would see the night before he drove to his mom's and which one of us he would see the night he came back from his mom's.

 

He called us both a lot. He had a long commute so he would call one of us and talk for a while and then would call the other one. Or maybe he would switch off days when he did that. I don't know. She and I talked for 4 hours and it just got to be too many lies and secrets to keep track of. I have no idea how he kept track of them all.

 

I'm not very controlling and I was busy with my own job and my life so I didn't suspect anything was wrong. We're in our mid thirties and we've been friends a long time so I didn't feel the need to keep tabs on him every single day. But he called often and emailed when I was out of town and all that, so I didn't have much reason to wonder.

 

We live in a large metropolitan area and his place is 20 miles from mine; her place is about 20 miles in a different direction. None of us ever dropped in unexpectedly because of that. He often kept his cell phone off when we were together. Stupid me, I thought it was romantic that he hardly ever took calls when we were hanging out.

 

Forewarned is forearmed! This could be alike a public service announcement on your part

 

Cheaters who want to cheat will find a way to cheat if you trust them.

[Guest]

I'm so sorry Black Swan, that is all so Macchivelian, I couldn't even keep track of it, let alone how or why another would go through so much to two different people.

 

I hope you are getting counselling, it will definitely change the way you view trust and relationships. If it is of any consolation, the situation what it was, and especially because his behavior never fluctuated with you, I think he could have pulled the wool over anyone's eyes.

 

It was scary reading that, relationships do require that trust to thrive. Know that you were brave enough to take that leap and give from your heart, it had nothing to do with you that he has this sickness.

 

And you will be brave enough again.