Once a cheater always a cheater?

[rgwoods]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. I thought we really had it going...great relationship, great everything!

 

Then about 10 months ago I cought him getting a little too close to a coworker. He promised me he would never let that happen again and he would stop talking to her completely.

 

Then...6 months later I caught him texting and talking to the same girl and soon found out he was having a full on affair with her. I also confronted her to find out that she had no idea about me. She was just as upset, angry and hurt as I was with him. Despite how upset I was.....because of everying we were in the middle of (moving the a different state together).....I decided not to to walk away and completely give up. I guess I felt like we were already about to make a big change together...he was leaving the workplace where she was, and we were both getting a fresh start. Maybe everything was happening for a reason.

 

We have now been living in our new city and state together for 2 months and I can see a huge difference in him. He seems so much more commited. Trust is not there and wont be for a while, but I am already starting to feel a little more...possitive about our relationship.

Its really hard to let someone back in after they've put you thru this...but I am here still trying.

 

What I want to know is......can someone really change after betraying me twice over the same girl? This is where the "Once a cheater always a cheater" comes to mind. Its not like this was a one night stand....and it scares me know that when he knew he almost lost me the first time I caught him talking to her....he still went back to her a couple of months later to make thier relationship intimate=( I dont get that part?

I would love you hear all of your opinions and advise! I am definitely still an amature when it comes to love....thanks for reading!

 

 

[lorr]

Not being funny but your boyfriend cheated on you twice.If anything your asking for trouble.It seems to me that if the both of you didn't move away to a different state then its more than likely that he would have continued the affair with the co-worker and he would have done a much better job at hiding it.

 

 

[Salicious Crumb]

What I want to know is......can someone really change after betraying me twice over the same girl? This is where the "Once a cheater always a cheater" comes to mind.

 

 

Yes...he will cheat again....and even if by some miracle he makes the decision to never cheat again....he still would love that thrill.

 

You aren't married to him...so take the advice of someone who never had the opportunity to get out while he could before it was too late.....KICK HIM OUT!!

 

Find yourself someone who cares enough about you to keep his pants on around anyone but you. Believe me....you don't want to stay with this guy and marry him knowing what you know about him.

[BeachBlonde]

I don't truely believe that "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. The reason for that is, I once cheated on an ex-bf. It was over for me for the past couple months, but he didn't know that. I just wasn't happy anymore. I know that's not an excuse, and looking back I wish I would have just broke up with him before I cheated on him. But I've learned from it. However, I wasn't in love with him. I am now with a man who I love more than words, and I can honestly say that I would NEVER EVER cheat on him. I wouldn't even think twice about it.

 

Here's the problem though- Your bf cheated on you twice. Even after you found out the first time, he still went back to her and cheated again...this was after he PROMISED you that he would never talk to her again. Maybe he has changed, maybe not...maybe he's still talking to her. I guess that's where the trust part comes in, even though it's understandable that he hasn't fully gained your trust back yet...I don't blame you...I don't think I could ever really trust someone again after they cheated. I can't tell you if he's changed, but I think you're always going to have little doubts in the back of your mind about this if you continue to stay with him. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

[norajane]

What I want to know is......can someone really change after betraying me twice over the same girl? This is where the "Once a cheater always a cheater" comes to mind.

 

Change only occurs when someone truly wants to make a change. That's why some people do stop cheating, and others do not. Cheating is not a disease where they just can't help themselves from getting sick again - it is always a choice.

 

You have to look at why he made the choice to stop cheating. Was it because he admitted and accepted and acknowledged that what he did was wrong and hurtful and there was no excuse for it? Was it because he didn't want to hurt you so much again? Was it because he realized how much he had to lose and didn't want to lose you? Or was it just because you moved away and his OW was not longer easily accessible?

 

What has he done since the cheating? Have you two gone to counseling together? Has he done anything to try to make things up to you? Has he given you access to his email passwords and his cell phone records? Does he call you to let you know where he is during the day, and when he's going to be late?

 

And you have to look at why he cheated in the first place. Has he explained that to you? Has he discussed what he was thinking, what needs he wanted filled, what his reasons were for lying to your face and sneaking around all that time? If he can't explain it, if he can't identify any issues in your relationship that you can work on, all you have is his word that he won't do it again.

 

Its not like this was a one night stand....and it scares me know that when he knew he almost lost me the first time I caught him talking to her....he still went back to her a couple of months later to make thier relationship intimate=( I dont get that part?

It's very simple. Cheaters are selfish. He went back to her because he still wanted something - he wanted to have sex with her. Just because you caught him the first time and he saw your pain, didn't mean he still didn't want sex with her. Like a child, he figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you, and dammit, he was going to get the sex he wanted...

 

Because you forgave him the first time, he figured you'd likely forgive him if he got caught again (and you did!). He didn't learn anything after getting caught except to try to lie better. The only thing he's learned now is that you'll keep taking him back if he cheats. He's not worried about losing you because you took him back even after finding out he lied about not having anymore contact with her and even after finding out he was having a full blown physical affair.

 

And that other woman...she had NO IDEA how much he was lying to her and using her to get what he wanted. A man like this is not going to simply change overnight or in a couple of months. There's something inside him that is broken.

 

Get counseling together, and suggest he go to individual therapy as well - unless he gets to the root of why he has to lie and cheat and use women, I don't see how you can trust he won't do this again.

 

And I'm very sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel.

[Trialbyfire]

There's a cheap thrill inherent in an affair. If he's an adrenaline junkie, it's the cheap thrill that can supercede common sense. Of course this ties into what nj has said about the selfish component.

 

Mentally take your partner apart. Is he an extremely selfish individual who needs instant gratification? If so, he will probably cheat again.

 

People very rarely change for anyone else. They change for themselves. The cheaters that have changed are the ones who have looked into the mirror and realized who they were.

[rgwoods]

Thanks Norajane...your advise is dead on. We are going to start therapy. I ultimately know he is the one with the problem. I do believe he can change but I know it's not overnight, or even within a few months.

Since everything blew up in his face, he has givin me full access to his phone, phone bill, email - everything. He goes to work and comes straight home. Anything I have asked him to do, he's done it. I even had the "texting" option taken off of his phone. I check his phone records on the website every so often.

It REALLY sucks that I have to do this, but its what I feel like I need to do to protect myself.

I do hope things work about but I'm going to stay realistic about this. Thanks for the aswome advise=)

[Guest]

RG, it is terrible he lied to you.

As a poster above stated, their is a difference between a cheater who did it as an exit to a relationship, then ended it shortly after vs. one who knowingly and willingly deceived you, while looking you in the eye every night and saying "I love you, don't worry, it's not true"

 

Would it help you to know that many men who cheat admit that if their wife or GF found out, and still accepted them back after that, that they would have lost respect for the wife/GF????

 

Yes, think about that as you are put in the position of checking his texts, emails, passwords, and wondering if maybe when he is an hour late if he is doing it again?

 

This is your future-do you think you deserve better?

[outofdarkness]

My H cheated for 10 years....I gave him that infamous second chance..All seemed to be going so well..Then the classic signs of cheating set in again...I think that old saying, once a cheater always a cheater, may actually be true...

[DOA]

Yes. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Same with once a player, always a player.

 

Both types usually go hand in hand anyway.

[Guest]

You might not like what I have to say but I'd start by asking why, after six years, is this person just a "boy-friend"? Not a husband, or a fiance?

 

Than I would state that men and women aren't wired the same. They even have different brain chemistry.

 

All mammals are hard wired pretty much the same way. Women to seek out the best overall situation for the preservation of their specific offspring. Men to seek out the best overall situation for preservation of the species.

 

Men and women, as mammals, are no different. All the scientific data shows that women, on some level, seek mates who are substantial and provide well. Men seek out women who, on some level, appear to be fertile.

 

Civilized mankind, historically speaking, is a relatively new concept. It is only several thousand years ago that we, for the most part, ceased being nomadic bands. Some peoples still exist this way.

 

Men continued to be hardwired to preserve the species by spreading their seed far and wide. Woman continue to seek the best situation that provides for themselves and their children.

 

It is an uphill fight sometimes, and one that could use a little better understanding on both sides.

[Guest]

I ultimately know he is the one with the problem.

 

If you go into therapy with a closed mind, and that means the idea that none of this could have had anything to do with you, than you will find therapy will fail.

 

While it is certainly possible that it might be only one person with an issue, an interpersonal dynamic almost always takes at least two people to be successful, and two people to fail.

[Till-Andy]

rg wrote

he has givin me full access to his phone, phone bill, email - everything. He goes to work and comes straight home. Anything I have asked him to do, he's done it. I even had the "texting" option taken off of his phone. I check his phone records on the website every so often.

Well I just imagined to be that guy: disabled, under control, moving like a puppet on a string and so on. Wouldn't it be easier to castrate me like a tomcat?

Well, seriously this story gives a new meaning to the the term "significant other", while being an insignificant self.

I wonder how long rg will be happy with her emasculated puppet.

[rgwoods]

Well Guest and Andy....thanks for the advise. I appreciate views from both ends. I guess I did make it sound kind of bad with the whole having full access to emails, passwords, etc. What I meant is that he "gave" me full access and told me to check whenever I want if it will make me feel better. He told me he doesn't care...he know's he really messed up and he just wants to show me that this is what he wants and he's never going to cross that line again.

I truly am not controlling him like a puppet.

I told him to please do what it is he really wants....I don't want him to change for me....I can't change him. Its up to him.

We've had some great talks since I posted this....I feel like we've already started our own little therapy sessions. And he actually opened up a little more to me and told me how he was feeling in the past that kind of drew us apart. Yes...it takes two to tango...I am deffinitely not the perfect one in this relationship either.

I think in the past we weren't really communicating to each othere how we felt....which led to alot worse.

[rgwoods]

And as for the reason why we're not married.....I am still VERY young....there is no rush! We're both young and obviously not ready. We are just starting our lives, careers. I'm not even done with school yet. Two people should not get married just because they've been together for a while...its if they are truly ready for that commitment......

[rgwoods]

Life is a daring adventure - or nothing. I would rather take the daring adventure! We only have one life right?

[Trialbyfire]

Than I would state that men and women aren't wired the same. They even have different brain chemistry.

 

All mammals are hard wired pretty much the same way. Women to seek out the best overall situation for the preservation of their specific offspring. Men to seek out the best overall situation for preservation of the species.

 

Men and women, as mammals, are no different. All the scientific data shows that women, on some level, seek mates who are substantial and provide well. Men seek out women who, on some level, appear to be fertile.

 

Civilized mankind, historically speaking, is a relatively new concept. It is only several thousand years ago that we, for the most part, ceased being nomadic bands. Some peoples still exist this way.

 

Men continued to be hardwired to preserve the species by spreading their seed far and wide. Woman continue to seek the best situation that provides for themselves and their children.

 

It is an uphill fight sometimes, and one that could use a little better understanding on both sides.

Ah yes. The biological excuse.

 

While there are still men who can't control their primitive man from the perspective of physical violence and mass fertilization techniques, the majority of men are capable of doing so. It's only the hide-bound ones that can't...

[Guest]

Well almost same thing happened to me. It was once not twice and all I can say is trust doesn't come easy. He gave me full access to email and phone and got rid of text messaging and well, it stopped immediately but the trust hasn't and I don't think will ever come back. It sucks when you thought a person was a certain way and you find out they are just like every other rotten cheater. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find trust again with this person or someone else if need be. We have 2 kids and a 13 year marriage and he has pledged his heart and soul and swears it was just a friendship but, if it was why hide it? We too have had much needed talks and conversations which felt like therapy but, I'm wondering....would it still be going on if I didn't catch the emails? Is he just doing all of this pledging and talking because of kids..... and really does he just likes the game? Good luck. But, I do believe ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

[Guest]

Excuse After Excuse, Accident After Accident, Oh, It Was The Alcohol, Etc. - It's All A Load Of B.s. To Make You Stay With A Cheater.

 

Once A Cheater Always A Cheater.

 

Do You Want To Live Your Life In Therapy To Help Someone Who Might Have A Slim Chance At Changing - Or - Do You Want To Enjoy Life With Someone *honest* And *supportive* That You Deserve.

 

Break Free And Run For The Hills While You Can.

 

Some People Use The Words - I Love You - Another Ploy To Make You Stay - And Have Absolutely No Idea Of What Love Means.

 

Again, Run For The Hills To Get Away From That Cheater. Stand Up For The *respect* You Deserve And You Will Find What You Are Looking For.

 

Good Luck.