Considering divorce - need some insight.

[Maritza]

My apologies upfront because this is a tad long, but I don't have any friends or family I can discuss this with, so your thoughts and insight would be so much appreciated. Where to start?...

 

I've been married for nearly 19 years and over the years have considered divorce - alot. From the outside, it would seem that I have a great life - materially that is. My husband is a very generous man with his wallet, but has never been with his feelings. Over the years, I've learned to live without any compliments, and even the occasional "I love you" (which he has probably said perhaps 20 times over the years.) Another insight into his personality: when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I was weeping in bed, he didn't even say a word - just laid there with his back to me. That was in our third year of marriage.

 

We have both had pretty big careers over the years that required a great deal of travel. When we were first married, we lived in Europe where my husband was working. I couldn't work because I couldn't obtain a work visa. He was gone all the time - traveling for work. Occasionally, I went with him, but for the most part was alone every day and quite lonely.

 

Over the years, we've had to travel alot for our respective jobs. At one point, we were living in the South, and my husband was flying to NY every single week for his job. Then, we moved to NY, and I had to fly South for my job. In fact, five years ago I moved to Europe for one year to take a job (without him - although I flew home every couple weeks at first and then once a month after that. He visited me once.) We have no children and in all honesty, I never wanted to have them with him because I realized that I wasn't "in" love with him. I suppose that's why I focused on work over the years (which I loved.) About 5 years ago - after I moved back from Europe - I stopped working. It was a combination of factors - I was so burnt out from my high stress job and all the travel, plus the industry I was working in was completely decimated as a result of the stock market and there were no jobs to be had. Since then, I've only worked the occasional freelance job so am now completely dependent on my husband financially. As background, when I was working, I was fortunate enough to work for a company that had a generous stock option plan and when I cashed out, I was able to pay cash for our first house and completely furnish it - top to bottom. When we sold it years later it was worth much more and we were able to buy the house we live in now. So, I've not been a moocher or gold-digger. Now, here's my biggest problem...

 

I've always been resigned to just making my marriage work somehow. It's not a horrible life - it's just a loveless one. Over the years I've asked my husband to try and be more open, more communicative, to travel a little less and spend more time at home (he travels about 48 weeks a year.) I've told him that little compliments every now and then would be nice. But, he's very rigid and set in his ways. He's very serious and seldom laughs or even smiles at home. He's just kind of cold - as is his father. (A not so funny story...my girlfriend was dressed up for her son's baptism and my husband greeted her with "you look beautiful!" In all the years we've been together, he has never even utterd those words to me. I don't want to sound immodest, but I've had men come on to me over the years. I'm definitely not ugly.) But I digress...

 

A year ago, we decided to add on to the house and build a nice big kitchen. We hired a contractor who came highly recommended by a neighbor. Fast forward a year later - and I am now in love with said contractor. Yup. Because my husband travels every week, the kitchen construction was my job. At first, it was a purely professional relationship but about 3 months into it, I started to notice how much we had in common and how easy we were with one another. We talked about everything. We laughed. About 6 months into the job and it's now obvious we are quite attracted to one another, but we're ignoring it. Somewhere during Month 8 of this project, because the tension is so intense, I finally say - "there's an elephant in this room and we need to acknowledge it." He came over to me and kissed me and it's been pure bliss since. As background - my husband and I have not had sex in about 7+ years. I'm embarassed to say that I had forgotten how to kiss passionately - beyond just a peck on the lips. I forgot what it's like to have someone hold you so close that your breath is shortened. I forgot what it's like to hear "I love you."

 

This man is fun. He's incredibly smart. He has a positive outlook. He's open with his feelings. He's considerate (opens doors for me whereas my husband lets them slam on people.) He's a hard worker and always insists on paying (doesn't make nearly as much as my husband - but I don't care.) The list goes on. We've only been "together" about 3 months but because we had those earlier 8 months to get to know one another and our connection has been so incredibly intense since, it feels like we've been together much longer.

 

Fortunately, he's single with no children. He's actually younger than me by about 8 years! He was married but it ended when his wife left him one day. He suspected she had cheated on him and he was right (life is ironic.) He's been divorced about 3 years. He's still in contact with his ex-wife which bothers me because of the nature of their relationship after their divorce. For about one year post-divorce, he didn't speak to her at all. Then, they became friends again and started to "hang out" (movies, watch TV, etc.) -I suspect out of loneliness. However, hanging out also included the occasional sleepover though he said it was empty and emotionless sex. Once he and I started our relationship, he immediately broke it off with her and they no longer hang out regularly. However, she wants to get back together and calls or emails him for help on occasion. Most recently, she wanted his help to pick out a new car (because he has the same car) and I suspect there have been other, similar situations when he's helped her with this or that though I don't pry. Also, he still wears his old wedding ring - on his right hand (not the left) that he says is worn as a reminder of his failed marriage. He feels the failure was his. He says he's been faithful to me since he broke it off with her and I believe him. I just don't like the fact that the break wasn't a clean one - but then who am I to judge when I'm still married! I also don't like that he wears his ring on his right hand.

 

Naturally, I have some doubts that he's completely over his marriage. But, he says he loves me, cares for me, and cannot imagine his future without me. He was the first to say "I love you" (says he fell in love with me months before we actually got together) and he says it frequently. He encouraged me to leave personal items at his condo. We see each other a few times a week and he emails me little love notes every night. We've talked about starting a business together. About moving. We've talked alot about the future which, for me, is both bright and scary. Perhaps it's scary for him too because he's never actually talked about marriage or even living together. Perhaps because he's recently divorced. I don't know. Which brings me to...

 

I'm reluctant and scared to file for divorce - but I cannot stay in my loveless marriage any longer. This new man may or may not be the one - but I have to find out. And, I don't want to find out as an adulterer. I want to find out as a single woman who doesn't have to sneak around to be with the man she loves. I'm 90% certain my husband knows what's going on - but he hasn't said anything whatsoever nor has he changed his behavior towards me (or this man.) He's just cut back his travel a bit - I suppose to try and curtail any opportunities for me to see this man.

 

My husband isn't a horrible man. He's a good provider. I've brought up my unhappiness over the years and most recently about a month ago. But, these conversations never go anywhere because he just doesn't want to talk about it. I'm tired of trying. I'm at the end. I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this - lonely, alone, and feeling unloved.

 

I would appreciate some objective thoughts on this because it's hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of it. I don't know what it's like to go through a divorce. I don't want to mess up my life either. While our marriage stinks, we do have a great house, live in a wonderful neighborhood, have terrific friends, and all the superficial trappings that make life nice and easy. And as for my new love, while it seems so apparent that he loves me, I'm still not sure about this man's relationship with his ex, and the whole ring thing. Is this normal?

 

Thanks.

[Gunny376]

1. Your so British

 

2. Mr. Reality is waiting in the back alley, with a Louville Slugger baseball bat saying "Come on up in here! I've got something for your azz!"

 

Hard to say, your wrong in going outside of your marraige ~ and then your not. Five or ten years ago I couldn't have said that. Before I came across MarriageBuilders, LS, and Lady Jane, I couldn't have said that.

 

My advice for now is to forget the OM, and focus on learning about how to be married, and about yourself. Its not about the OM, nor the husband. I'd recomend Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" and his workbook. Another good book is "Me! Five Years From Now!"

[Ladyjane14]

....it's hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of it.

 

And THAT is really the bottom line, isn't it? Thinking clearly.

 

You know, given all I've learned about affairs, I think it's frankly impossible to make objective decisions while "under-the-influence". A person's physiological reaction to Infatuation is akin to drug addiction, as can be observed in studies imaging the brain via MRI:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/31/health/psychology/31love.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5088&en=969db0c21c58c4fb&ex=1275192000&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

 

You've been married for 19 years... and you're on the verge of throwing all that away based on a dopamine reaction.

 

It does sound like you and your husband have a serious problem regarding emotional intimacy within the marriage, but there's no way to know definitively if that can be resolved or not without giving the problem your full and undivided attention. I find it interesting that in 19 years you haven't INSISTED on resolving this one way or the other. It's somewhat telling that it's only just now, while an affair in underway, that you're willing to leave the marriage over it.

 

Not to be harsh... but you can wrap this up in all the pretty paper you want and it's STILL adultery. Is that really how you want to go out? Nineteen years invested and the epitaph on your marriage along with all the years you spent in it ends up being..."She ran off with the handyman."

 

Honestly, I think your best bet is to step back from this and get your head clear before you make any BIG decisions about the course of your life.

[Gunny376]

And THAT is really the bottom line, isn't it? Thinking clearly.

 

You know, given all I've learned about affairs, I think it's frankly impossible to make objective decisions while "under-the-influence". A person's physiological reaction to Infatuation is akin to drug addiction, as can be observed in studies imaging the brain via MRI:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/31/health/psychology/31love.html?pagewanted=1&ei=5088&en=969db0c21c58c4fb&ex=1275192000&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

 

You've been married for 19 years... and you're on the verge of throwing all that away based on a dopamine reaction.

 

It does sound like you and your husband have a serious problem regarding emotional intimacy within the marriage, but there's no way to know definitively if that can be resolved or not without giving the problem your full and undivided attention. I find it interesting that in 19 years you haven't INSISTED on resolving this one way or the other. It's somewhat telling that it's only just now, while an affair in underway, that you're willing to leave the marriage over it.

 

Not to be harsh... but you can wrap this up in all the pretty paper you want and it's STILL adultery. Is that really how you want to go out? Nineteen years invested and the epitaph on your marriage along with all the years you spent in it ends up being..."She ran off with the handyman."

 

Honestly, I think your best bet is to step back from this and get your head clear before you make any BIG decisions about the course of your life.

 

Being the brutish, gruntial, barbarian type that I am ~ you're always much so more eloquent than I ~ Lady Jane ~ yet our point are the same. Conquer thy self first? Before seeking to conquer others?!

 

Rule thyself first Sparitan ~ before seeking to rule others! A man (or woman) cannot fortell their desity ~ but they must do what they can ~ until thier destiny is reveled to them!

[Gunny376]

Orginally posted by Lady Jane: You know, given all I've learned about affairs, I think it's frankly impossible to make objective decisions while "under-the-influence". A person's physiological reaction to Infatuation is akin to drug addiction, as can be observed in studies imaging the brain via MRI:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/31/he...rssnyt&emc=rss

 

Ditto with the Feb 2006 edition of National Geographic Magazine ~

[Missy27]

And as for my new love, while it seems so apparent that he loves me, I'm still not sure about this man's relationship with his ex, and the whole ring thing. Is this normal?

 

Ok. To start with .... Its not abnormal that your OM still wears his wedding ring. My Fiance has got a tattoo on his arm of a gravestone with the initials J R K (His ex wife) RIP, and the dates 30 Nov 1997 (the day he got married to her) to 23 July 2003 (the day he got divorced). He says it symbolises the death of his marriage, and for some reason I can understand why he did it. (He's not really a tattoo kind of guy) but he says that whenever he felt down about the divorce he would look at the tattoo and it reminded him of all of things that she did to him and all of the reasons why he would never take her back (she left him for a another man). Perhaps your OM feels the same kind of connection when he looks at his wedding ring.

 

Anyway.... to your REAL problem. I have to say LadyJane is spot on with what she says. You cannot think CLEARLY about your marriage while you are involved with another person. The feelings that you are experiencing when you are with OM are consistant with those that are arisen when you are in the "infatuation" stage of any relationship. I would imagine that when you first met your Husband, the initial attraction and feelings weren't much different to those that you have now

 

Also, you have spent 19 years with your H. You know his passions, you know his flaws, you know what makes him tick and you know and have readily admitted that although he maybe rather lacking in outward emtion, he's generally a "good guy" and has been a good provider throughout your marriage. You dont KNOW what OM is REALLY like, and I susepct that this maybe part of the reason you feel so attracted to him. Either way, people are not always what they are cracked up to be, you know that, and some only show you what they want you to see in order to seduce you and gain your trust. I'm not saying that OM IS like this, but you have to be careful. Is it REALLY worth throwing a 19 year marriage down the drain for the sake of a few butterflies??

 

Ladyjane is right, unless you break contact with OM and at least TRY and work on making your marriage work, then you are only letting yourself down. You sound like an intelligent woman, don't let the "affair addiction" deter you from what really matters here

 

From where I'm standing you need to break it off with OM, come clean with your Husband and communicate with him about WHY you felt compelled to get involved with somebody else. When a husband is faced with losing his wife it can be just the kick up the backside he needs to start looking at what he is doing wrong in a relationship and if he loves you then he will want to fight to keep you, its make or break for both of you no matter how emotionally void your H is, he cant escape the plain old fact that you slept with somebody else.

 

I agree, 7 years is A LONG time without physical intimacy and this is something that needs to be worked on. You and your H have forgotten how to tend to eacothers emotional needs. Marriage builders is a brilliant website to read up on EN's, how important they are and what can be done to fulfill them.

 

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now and I know that in your mind, you feel that you NEED to experience this other man and see where it may lead, because, Hey, you're a woman and no amount of diamonds in the world can fill that hole inside which so craves love and affection.

 

At the end of the day, a broken marriage CAN be fixed, but only if you WANT it to be fixed. Only if you BOTH want it. Somehow, some way you need to communicate with your H on a level and find out whether this can be repaired. If you both pull yourselves together and get yourselves back on the same page, there are plenty of resources out there to help you. It CAN be done, you just gotta want it bad enough.

[Trimmer]

Imagine this thought experiment... Put yourself into your own future; I'm not saying this will happen, but consider this scenario: you divorce your husband, and soon thereafter, the contractor decides he's not ready to commit, doesn't want to continue on with the relationship, drifts away, finds someone else, whatever - basically, for whatever reason, he leaves you. At this point (in your imaginary future) do you think the divorce was a mistake, or are you still ready, eager, and enthusiastic to build a new life alone with enthusiasm?

[Maritza]

Well - I must say that it has been very interesting and enlightening insight. I appreciate all the thought and consideration that's gone into responding to my situation. I realize that what you are all saying is true and valid. My next step will be to have a discussion with my husband.

 

As for the contractor - I realize that this must seem like the most ridiculous cliche to all of you (contractor, pool boy, tennis instructor, plumber, mailman - you get my drift: the convenient man only interested in a dalliance) but it's not like that at all. He has made it clear that he's not going anywhere if I need to take a break to sort things out. In the end, there's no guarantee that he will be there if I were to leave my husband - but there's no guarantee my husband will be here for me in the next 5, 10 or 20 years either. All I know is that I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life living the way I do now.

 

As for my husband, he isn't a bad guy. He's just a guy who has prioritized his life in such a way that work comes first. I know that is often the case with busy professionals, but it's really an empty life in the end. And it's always been this way...

 

Our honeymoon was actually one of his business trips because it was scheduled a few days after our wedding. He had a meeting in another country, so three of us (he, a business partner and I) spent a week there. I spent my days sightseeing alone while he attended meetings and we spent our nights dining with business associates. Don't get me wrong - it was a fun trip. In fact, I look back on it and laugh at the sitcom aspect of it, but it should have been my first big red flag that meetings are inviolate and cannot be rescheduled for personal reasons!

 

On our 3rd or 4th anniversary, he went on a golf trip with buddies. A couple times, he has had business trips on my birthday, and even on a one or two other anniversaries. We went to a five star hotel a few years ago to celebrate our 15th anniversary. He worked on his computer all day and into the evening - talking on the phone while I watched TV and went out shopping by myself. He finally managed to extricate himself for a quick dinner but it was back to the hotel for more work.

 

He is single faceted: work. His father is the same way. He worked to the exclusion of his family. In fact, my father-in-law doesn't even spend most holidays with us. He'd rather spend it at the country club. When my husband was a child, he wouldn't even take one day off a year to attend a father-son function. It hurt my husband terribly. I have explained to my husband that his behavior towards me is often akin to how his father treated him. The response I have always heard is: "Well, I have to travel. It's my job." Yes he does - but he also spends every Sunday morning with his buddies. So, I basically get him on Saturdays and Sunday afternoons because he's back on his computer Sunday nights doing work.

 

Also, there's the fact that we have very little in common other than our love of buying things that help fill the void. I won't go into all the details - but we are very, very different people in our interests and curiosities.

 

I just cannot imagine this man making a permanent change. He has made changes in the past only to revert back within a couple months to his old ways. But, I will give it another try. It's just that after so many years, I finally feel ready to move on. We'll see.

 

Thank you all again for the insight. Wish me luck.

[umbo]

Maritza go to the wizard and get some Courage.

 

Just leave your 19 years of misery. Are you now just seeking help for your failed marriage? The contractor always makes loves to damseles in distress that are home alone. Did you get courage from the wizard now go tell your husband you are an adulterer and you want a divorce. Tell your husband you did not mean for BETTER or For WORSE TILL DEATH DO US PART Just 6,935 days ago when you were at the alter saying you love him. Now OH how time flies. You only have 21,130 days left on this earth and you are in so much trouble.

[mum2three]

Just a thought, have you ever questioned whether your husband has gone outside of the marriage since he travels alot and has not wanted sex for 7 yrs. He also seems emotionally disconnected for quite some time. OM sounds exciting and great but you don't know his commitment to you. Are you willing to divorce your husband regardless of OM? Do you want to make every effort to salvage your M? It sounds like you are staying in the M for financial security and you are afraid to be on your own. They are plausible reasons but may not lead to you any resolution or more happiness.

[azianpride143]

Tell your husband and see how he handles the situation. If he truly cares for you he will wake up and try to make it work out. But it needs to be the same with you.

 

You made a grave mistake looking for love somewhere else. You should have ended the marriage first before getting involved. It's not fair what you did to your husband. You need to first try to save your marriage. Since you've been together so long. You know your husband in and out. This guy is fun and exciting in the beginning but you don't know the long term outcome. You just dont want to deal with regrets later on. Give it one more fight. At least you can tell yourself that you gave your DH a chance before just packing up and leaving.

[woe_is_me]

While our marriage stinks, we do have a great house, live in a wonderful neighborhood, have terrific friends, and all the superficial trappings that make life nice and easy.

Thanks.

 

Well, obviously these are the main things.. the stuff that marriages are made of !

[Max12761]

By the way, I wouldn't give much weight to the comments you have received here - You can't listen to crap from a web forum to guide your future.

 

You need to do what you think is best to correct your current situation - this may be to talk with your MR and If he can't change his behavior, then perhaps its time to consider changing your address.

 

As for Mr handy - if he makes you happy, stay with him. Life is far too short. You need to do what will make you feel good - mentally, physically etc... You need to listen to that little voice inside of you - not a bunch of garbage from this web forum...

[hurting_in_nw]

By the way, I wouldn't give much weight to the comments you have received here - You can't listen to crap from a web forum to guide your future.

 

You need to do what you think is best to correct your current situation - this may be to talk with your MR and If he can't change his behavior, then perhaps its time to consider changing your address.

 

As for Mr handy - if he makes you happy, stay with him. Life is far too short. You need to do what will make you feel good - mentally, physically etc... You need to listen to that little voice inside of you - not a bunch of garbage from this web forum...

 

 

Especially those with 3 posts who are obvious trolls. This forum has been a huge help to me, along with the little voice inside.