Retroactive Jealousy and getting even

[Guest]

Being the foolish male that I am, shortly after I entered my first and hopefully only relationship, I made the mistake of asking numbers and details. As it was not my partner's first relationship, she had 1 longterm boyfriend (with apparently a fat/ugly douche bag that treated her like ****) and a few other one night stands.

 

Having only a one night stand before I met her has made me feel a number of things including jealousy, intimidation, anger, and sadness. It has been the only thing we have ever fought over, as we are perfect in every other way. 2 years after I asked the numbers, I have found myself still struggling hard with my partner's previous affairs. I know the main reason i can't get over stems from the fact that I'm jealous that I don't have the same number as her or at least even close.

 

I feel almost as if I haven't experienced life the way people should. We toyed with the idea of having a threesome, so that I could still be with my partner while also experiencing someone new. I don't know if I am still interested in trying that, as I dont know if my partner could handle me with another woman in front of her, and I dont want to lose her.

 

However, I feel like the only way that I can diminish anger towards her past is by getting even by sleeping with a few women to even the score. The girl loves me and would do anything to make our one problem go away. Is this a good idea? Any other ideas besides getting over it or counseling?

[nicki]

You seem to have a good handle on your feelings. That's a good start.

 

Let me ask you something, however. If you had been the one who had slept with, say 7 women, and your girlfriend had only slept with 2 men, how would you feel if she said the same things to you?

 

Would you want her to go out and bang a few more men to make it even? I think you would probably tell her that it doesn't matter and that you love her. You wouldn't want her to feel she has "missed out" by not sleeping with the same number of people as you had. Or that she had to even the score.

 

The numbers things matters less as you get older. But, if you feel you want to "play the field" and have more experiences, then go do it. Maybe your girlfriend and you can come back together in a year or so.

 

Or, if you want your current relationship to work, you can refuse to go down this particular previous men road. There is nothing that your girlfriend can do about this situation. Her relationships are in the PAST. If she is loyal and faithful to you, then that's all you can ask for. Otherwise, if you continue making her feel bad, then she will have to distance herself from you.

 

But, you are young. You may need to date more before settling down. Nothing wrong with that. Take some time to imagine your life with and without this girl. It will be okay either way!

[nicki]

Oh, and never again ask for a woman's sexual history or details. The images the knowledge creates will haunt you!

 

And never answer a woman who asks you for details of YOUR sexual history. Just tell her that she is the best lover in the world and that you feel like she is the only one you have ever been with, or want to be with. That she is your dream woman. Cheesy, but it works. (If she really presses you, say you don't remember because you only think of her.)

 

Oh, and a bit more of advice. If you ever want to try something new with a woman that you have done with another woman, never say you did it with an ex and now want to try it with her.

 

Merely say that you want to "try" something. If she asks where you learned that, tell her you read it in a magazine or had a dream about her where you were doing that.

 

Sorry if I've said more than you need to know! I just wish more young men learned this stuff early.

[norajane]

You can't even the score - it's not a competition. She didn't do this TO YOU. She was with other people when she didn't even know you. She didn't cheat on you. She didn't break up with you so she could have sex with other people and then get back together with you. She did what people do - they have relationships. So there is nothing to get even with her for.

 

Think of it this way - you are now in a relationship with her and have been for two years. If, for whatever reason, you break up and start dating a virgin a while later, would it be fair for your new girl to be angry that you had already had a relationship and a one night stand prior to being with her? Would it be fair for her to try to get even by having sex with other men or suggesting threesomes and whatnot? Would you think it was ok for her to have sex with other men so she could even the score?

 

It's not a competition. It is people going through life and having relationships as best they can. Everyone has a different path. If you love each other now, that's really all that counts, that's the only score you need to pay attention to.

[littlepiggy1]

As others have said, it's not a competition. Your jealousy seems to be stemming from the fact that you feel inferior compared to her. That she is somehow "better" because she's had more experience and you feel inadequate.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're ready for a long-term committed relationship.

[Till-Andy]

Oh, and never again ask for a woman's sexual history or details. The images the knowledge creates will haunt you!

And never answer a woman who asks you for details of YOUR sexual history. (If she really presses you, say you don't remember because you only think of her.)

Oh, and a bit more of advice. If you ever want to try something new with a woman that you have done with another woman, never say you did it with an ex and now want to try it with her.

Merely say that you want to "try" something. If she asks where you learned that, tell her you read it in a magazine or had a dream about her where you were doing that.

Sorry if I've said more than you need to know! I just wish more young men learned this stuff early.

Nope.

I am sorry, Nicky, I have to say that I desagree completely with your advices which I am sure are given with the best intentions. What you recommend to the OP is nothing less than a system of illusions, half-truths and lies, in my opinion no good base for any good relationship.

I understand that you mean this being regardful and considerate to the other person's self. But what self? A weak frail powerless self that must be sheltered from the realities of life, in a word a non adult self.

You cannot love a person without loving his or her past because loving means accepting a person in its entirety. And what's wrong about the emotional and even sexual past of a person you feel in love with?

My wife and I we are both divorced so it is the second marriage for both of us. We met 12 years ago when we both had other lovers. Before becoming lovers we got to know a lot if not everything about each other's past. It turned out that we both were quite experienced, had had considerable (but differing) numbers of realtionsships and even some ONS and we found out that theses experiences were and are a treasure that we could incorporate into our relationship.

We have been married now for six years, have a rich sex life (monogamous for the last ten years), are deeply in love with each other but not jealous. Just recently my wife told me that she had kissed with a collegue during an excursion and I know that she had been physical with him befor we met. And what?

Of course I could decide that I should be mad with her (and him) as a lot of people would do. That would be a decision to be unhappy and miserable. Why should I do that? I had decided beforehand that I would not be mad in such cases and I am a happy man. It is as simple as this.

Sorry Nicky, it is not my intention to belittle you, but I feel that your statements could not go uncontradicted.

[reservoirdog1]

You only have two choices.

 

1. Get over it, and accept that she does not owe you an explanation or apology (or deserve to have you bringing it up all the time and starting fights) over what she did with her life before she was committed to you.

 

2. End your relationship with her.

 

Going out and screwing a few other women to "even the score", as you put it, would be juvenile and pathetic. Then you would be a couple comprised of a woman who had some previous sexual experience before getting into a relationship with her current BF, and a guy who's cheated on his GF repeatedly for stupid reasons. I can tell you which of those two I'D have respect for, and which I wouldn't.

[Sal Paradise]

However, I feel like the only way that I can diminish anger towards her past is by getting even by sleeping with a few women to even the score. The girl loves me and would do anything to make our one problem go away. Is this a good idea? Any other ideas besides getting over it or counseling?

 

Doesn't sound like you're mature enough to be in a relationship. She has done nothing wrong. You have no right to be angry over her past. It has nothing to do with her. If you can't get over her past without sleeping with over women then you don't deserve to be with her (or any other woman for that matter). If it comes to that at least have the integrity and the courage to break up with her before you cheat on this innocent woman just so you can feel like a man. It almost sounds like you're looking for an excuse to justify sleeping around on her.

 

Waaaah, she slept with more people than me!

 

You need to grow up. Its not a competition. And remember that many people never find the right person to settle down with. You may have found her yet you're willing to let your childish ego potentially ruin it over nothing.