I dont know where I stand anymore since that night?

[JanieSki]

background roughly, Im married,2nd marriage,this marriage is on its way out, my husband is abusive,both mentally and physically,I am in the process of sorting this out and have separated very recently,but in the mean time, I have a question on a man I know,whom is a good friend and im scared I've lost that friendship now................

 

 

I have been talking to a guy,online since march, mainly to get away from my real world,just to forget my troubles for a while each night whilst the kids are in bed,

 

we got on so well,he swopped numbers and texted each other often, I told him stuff about me,even the bad stuff, he never gave an opnion much,but told me I should sort myself out,because it wasnt healthy living like that, he never hassled me into meeting him,

 

for 9 months we went on like this texting and very occasionally talking on the fone, He is in the UK army,based about 10 miles from me,about 10 days ago, he rang me and said that he is going to be drafted to kuwait,over this Iraq war stuff, I was upset at this a bit,scared of losing my friend,

 

so i suggested that maybe we should meet soon, in case I never get to meet him, and we did, the day b4 xmas eve, I was so nervous, he was too, I could tell,but the attraction was huge, I wasnt expectingthis to happen, we talked in his office for 3 hrs non stop,I could see that he genually liked me,I felt this,we did kiss,and we did make love,but after making love,he seemed a little distant, I couldnt work this out at first why, I asked him and he said he doesnt know why he is,he gave the excuse he felt tired, anyway, it was time for me to go,

 

HE said, not me HIM, that he would ring me , and asked what day could he ring, so i suggested Xmas day, he made a point of asking coz he didnt want me to think that he didnt want to know me more etc coz we made love ie one night stand, he said he would ring as long as he could get a top up card for his mobile, because he is on duty for the whole of the xmas period, and security goes up during this,

 

hes not allowed off base at all, until after the new year, so he said, that he would use his last 30p on his mobile to text me, we parted and he held my hand b4 I droped him off at the guard gates, didnt kissed me, but i could tell he wanted to,but he was back on duty by then,

 

I went home, I did feel guilty,not that I was married, but because Of this army guy, he said he wasnt into breaking marriages up, and that hes carried this on with me, because he likes me, alot........I rang him the next night, just to say thank you, and I hoped that what happened would not affect our friendship, even if he didnt want us to have sexual and more deep relationship, I was worried that I was gonna lose my friend in him, and that I valued that more than anything else, and I was paraniod that I wouldnt hear from him again, and can we just leave it back to being friends,

 

i left this on his voice mail, he doesnt often have his fone on due to his kind of work, he did text me back after I tried to ring him again that night,but it seemed as if he was putting the fone down on me, but not sure it could have been loss of signal?, but in the text it reads 'merry xmas xxx nothing has changed except i feel like a ****,coz ur wed(married),my fone has no credit call u asap dont be paranoid will chat soon hope ur ok txt me xxx'.

 

that was 3 days ago, im freaking coz i cant get his fone to ring goes onto answering machine, i've texted him loads,not thinking that he cant text back of course,i want him to know he should not feel like a ****,

 

it was my decsion to make love with him, and if my marriage was to breakup, it would have nothing to do with him,i so scared that I Have lost him,because he cant deal with me being married, it cant be just a one night stand, i felt something with him, and i know he did too,he sent me that text too,that doesnt sound like a one night stand does it?,

 

I dont know what to do now, do i keep ringing him, and hopefully get him on his fone? do i go down there and ask for him to talk with him? thats if i can?, or do i wait and wait until he does get in contact, but then he may think i dont want to know and never get in contact,I just want to keep him as my friend at this moment, I have other stuff to sort out in my life, but it this behaviour of his since that night that has confused me?,has he got scared and back off? or was I his ego trip?(which I find hard to believe,cos he did contact me through a text), or will he ring in the new year when he finally gets out to get phone credit?

 

im so confused , i dont want to hassle him in to talking with me,I would feel like a stalker and make things worse, but maybe i have the right?..........help please any good and non jugdemental advise please

[Tony T]

Don't make another move....don't call, don't write and certainly don't go to see him. Leave the ball in his court.

 

Frankly, by making yourself totally available to him...by sitting in his office for three hours and having sex with him the FIRST time you ever met him personally...you caused him to seriously review this. If he's going to be in war for any period of time, he may be wondering just how often you do this with other men.

 

Hang in there, be patient, and let him make the first move. The more patient you are, the more likely you will hear from him.

 

Good luck...and get divorced if you must.

[HokeyReligions]

Tony is spot-on as usual.

 

Why are you "freaking" over this? It sounds like you are clutching onto this man and on the verge of smothering him (If not already having done so)

 

Why do you need him so bad? If your marriage is over, and it sounds like it is, then you need time to work on YOU and do it without leaning so heavily on anyone else.

 

Put yourself in his place. How would you feel if someone you met over the internet had sex with you the first time you saw each other and then kept calling and sending messages that sounded panicky. That would send up some serious red flags to me. He's in the military -- that is going to come before you, like it or not. You may force him into a position of telling you to back off or even get lost. He sent you a message telling you not to worry so don't push it lest you risk pushing him away.

 

That's my opinion anyway.