My long term love and my new amazing friend

[Guest]

Hi all,

 

This is the first time I am posting here. I have been with my current bf for almost 6 years, and we have our ups and downs, but I love him to bits, and I know he feels the same way about me. Recently, we have been through a lot of rough patches, mainly because I feel that at this point we should be married or engaged whereas he on the other hand says he wants to be stable and financially secure before making that commitment.

 

I get that, I do, but he has been in this rough spot for about 2 years now and I don’t think it will get better soon, and I am afraid by then I will be filled with so much self doubt I will be someone I don’t recognize and hate, and I won’t give the relationship a chance. Bottom line is I love him a lot; I have gone so far as to request breaks and flat out say I want to break up in my frustration, only for him to convince me to wait and then a few months down the line I am in the same place again. This has been happening for about a year and a half.

 

Fast forward, I recently made a very good friend, a guy. We see so many things the same way, genuinely enjoy each others company and are so comfortable that we can open up to each other about anything. One night out, I was a little tipsy and I was feeling particularly vulnerable about my relationship, and told him what was going on (I never tell anyone how I feel, everyone thinks that I also am in no rush to get married/ don’t think much of it, cause of my pride).

 

I was a basket case and we ended up kissing. It happened one time after that, almost under the same circumstances and then I told him it wouldn’t again and we were done with it. That I loved my man and didn’t want to jeopardize what we have, or jeopardize my friendship with him. I never told my bf about the two incidences where I kissed this other guy.

 

The problem is, we still hang out a lot, and talk a lot, and I am developing feelings towards him. Very strong feelings as well as strong chemistry between us. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to not see him altogether, cause he is one of those friends you would search the world over for. I want to be with my bf, I know that; in the long run for good; as my husband. But based on our past and where we are, I tend to wonder if we will ever make it there. Then I am scared that if I keep waiting for him, I may miss out on what may be a great love. I need some help people. Please.

[Guest]

This is one doozy, hold out for the one you love who is hedging and promising but no ring, or the apparent Mr. Wonderful.

 

Normally, I would never ever condone two timing, but you really have to act quickly now so it doesn't become a nightmare.

 

Are you going to tell your current BF about the kissing with the friend if you get married?

 

What does your friend want fom you? Do you really know him that well or could he be amale poacher into the chase, and he'll drop you when you leave your current relationship?

 

Maybe ask your friend for some space, and tell your BF you expected your relationship to progress a bit more at this point (read "why men marry bitc**s" ) there is a section on how to go about it without giving an ultimatum.

 

But you have to be prepared to leave, and wait it out a bit.

 

Your already gathering resentment to him, it'll only get worse.

 

As for your friend, if your BF comes around, you are going to have to ditch him forever, you cannot ever go back to just friends. Please don't humiliate your husband by keeping friendship with this guy if it does work out.

 

If it doesn't work out with your BF, then you can start dating Mr. friend.

 

But I think you need to do this soon, and keep away from your friend in the mean time.

[DMZ]

Alright, I'm confused.

 

So you have this boyfriend of six years who you claim to be in love with and yet you've found yourself developing feelings for another man and kissing him on multiple occasions? I can't help but question if you've actually ever been in love before, because your actions aren't at all consistent with someone who is in love.

 

For one thing, love is about absolute commitment and sacrifice, and you're not demonstrating either. A person in love is concerned with only one thing, and that is the person they are in love with. There is no "I am developing feelings" for other people, and there certainly isn't any kissing of other people. Love is such a powerful emotion that it doesn't allow you to fall for other people. You need to contemplate what exactly it is you feel for your boyfriend, because if you're making out with other men, it's not love.

 

Also, you want your boyfriend to further commit to you but yet you keep breaking up with him and going back? Why would any sane person commit to someone who keeps leaving them? You haven't even been able to maintain an exclusive relationship outside of marriage, and yet you expect he should take the next step forward and propose to you? These things go in stages. Once you've had a stable, long-lasting relationship, then you move on to marriage. Your wandering heart and "tipsy" indiscretions demonstrate stability is not your primary concern. Marriage is a bad idea at this point.

 

As far as your sacrifices go, six years is a long time, but pales in comparison to the rest of your life, which is what marriage is all about. Your entire post focuses on what you stand to lose and what you want to gain. You want to marry your boyfriend but here you are stressing over what the better bargain is? This isn't a poker game; this is your life, and his. Planning a new relationship when you're still involved in another one that you want to progress further is foolish beyond words.

 

I think the best advice anybody can give you is to have you wait some more with your current boyfriend and examine your feelings for him. If you truly want to love him, you have to be patient. Your thoughts and actions lately only validate his reluctance to marry you. As far as that other guy goes, by kissing you he just showed how much he cares about concepts like commitment, i.e., not much. When fidelity and commitment are things you genuinely care about, you value them in all circumstances, not just your own.