a4a, I need your d--n fork

[FireandIce]

you missed : accountant, nurse, secretary, handyman, butter churner, den mother, and shrink.

 

:lmao: :lmao:

 

 

I left out chef as well.

[dropdeadlegs]

Appreciation is the key word. Stuffed cabbage (same as cabbage rolls I assume) is tasty but as you said, time consuming.

 

When your contributions are appreciated it is so much easier and enjoyable to do them. I don't like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Who really enjoys chores? Since I am thanked and lauded (by BF) every time I cook a meal (and I do mean every time) it at least makes the act tolerable. I do all of these mentioned chores and contributions at my home and his, but I do get a heartfelt thank you at his home while at mine....well, kids take everything as a given. Which leads me to believe that you are indeed cohabitating with an adult version of a teenager, as has already been pointed out. My teenage daughter pulls that "clean the room " crap all the time. Just when I think I have my chores completed, here comes a stack of dishes, and another load of laundry. Very frustrating, but I bite my tongue and live with it, too.

 

I have much empathy, MFK

 

Did anybody mention lawn lady/gardener and plumber? Those need to be added to the list of wifely occupations. Oh, interior decorator, too.

[a4a]

I have a sudden urge to drive the tractor into the woodshop...... not through the door though.

 

Are you not allowed to destroy your own property or is there a law against that????

[My Fair Katie]

I have a sudden urge to drive the tractor into the woodshop...... not through the door though.

 

Are you not allowed to destroy your own property or is there a law against that????

 

Not if you make it look like an accident. "It got stuck in reverse."

[melodymatters]

I have a sudden urge to drive the tractor into the woodshop...... not through the door though.

 

Are you not allowed to destroy your own property or is there a law against that????

 

Your free to do that, just can't make an insurance claim !

[a4a]

Not if you make it look like an accident. "It got stuck in reverse."

 

yes and the front end loader just kept going up and down, up and down.....

 

I could take out the rear deck I have begged to have replaced...... something I can do myself but cannot get the vote to replace it......

[PWSX3]

I am organized, I plan, take action, and I have a nice butt.

Now this is a female I would like to meet, organized & a nice behind.:D

And don't buy into the "I don't know why I do it" crap.

I was going to, I meant to, I planned on it, ......... blah blah blah......

 

shuddup pussyboy! I don't want to hear your crap!

WOW, thank you guys, this is good for me to read. I was like your H and I took things that my W did for granted just like he is doing to you. Then I got the fork, grew some baby ba!!s and am learning I can do these things for myself.

 

I don't know about your H but a separation woke me the heck up.

 

If you are doing those things because you love your H & you want to then that is your choice, but if you are doing them just for him & it makes you angery then that's not cool.

 

Just because he works upstairs doesn't make it right, sure he can ask if you wouldn't mind doing those things for him but WOW (sorry flash backs for me) I hope you are able to work things out........

[justpassingthrough]

Oh, he would so starve to death in my house!

[My Fair Katie]

If you are doing those things because you love your H & you want to then that is your choice, but if you are doing them just for him & it makes you angery then that's not cool.

 

Just because he works upstairs doesn't make it right, sure he can ask if you wouldn't mind doing those things for him but WOW (sorry flash backs for me) I hope you are able to work things out........

 

I started doing these things because I'm a nice person. As far as cleaning, I like and want the house clean, so I clean it. It's not THAT I do it that makes me angry, it's that I get no appreciation or credit.

 

Oh, but if he does something like mow the lawn he expects a full day of adoration and appreciation and when I don't give it (because really frack off, you mowed the lawn big fracking whoop, you get a thank you and a beer if I'm feeling nice) he mopes about and gets whiney and accuses me of being mean.

 

So, now I do it solely to bide my time.

 

I vent here because "communicating" with him is like talking to a brick wall. I can be polite and loving, use "I feel" phrases, he won't listen. I can be calm, rational and use logic, he won't listen. I can stomp my foot and throw a tantrum, he won't listen, I can have a nervous a breakdown and he'll listen, but tell me to snap out of it. I can tell him exactly what I typed, and, you guessed it, in one ear out the other.

 

I won't get a gardener, a maid, a lawn boy (unless his name is Fernando and he has a tush I can bounce a quarter off of--like a4a). Honestly, the resentment is not that I'm the one that cleans, it's his attitude towards me, as though I should just be happy he graces me with his precence at dinner before he retreats into his fortress of solitude.

 

And yes, we've had the talk about spending time together as a couple. Again, it'll work for a week or so. Then if I do so much as go to the bathroom, he'll wind up back in his office and "5 minutes hun" turns into 45 minutes and if I dare complain I'm not being understanding and I'm exagerrating.

 

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him anyway. He just talks at me anyway, and god forbid I interject or state an opinion, that's "interrupting." So now I just nod my head and agree.

 

Phew, feels good to vent. Whatta jerk.

[dropdeadlegs]

MFK, do you know if this was the dynamic of his family while growing up? I mean the Mom who does everything thanklessly, and the Dad that retreats into solitude?

[My Fair Katie]

MFK, do you know if this was the dynamic of his family while growing up? I mean the Mom who does everything thanklessly, and the Dad that retreats into solitude?

 

Not really. According to DH mom was a stay at home mom but never really did anything except occassionally watch the neighbor's kids.

 

His dad worked and was active in his little league.

 

Neither parent was a very good housekeeper and they're still very disorganized.

 

They're clean, but depression-era, they save EVERYTHING.

[dropdeadlegs]

Not really. According to DH mom was a stay at home mom but never really did anything except occassionally watch the neighbor's kids.

 

His dad worked and was active in his little league.

 

Neither parent was a very good housekeeper and they're still very disorganized.

 

They're clean, but depression-era, they save EVERYTHING.

I'm always looking for the reason behind the behavior, but I guess Ill just have to agree that he's a turdburger with cheese, but only with cheese on a good day.

[My Fair Katie]

I'm always looking for the reason behind the behavior, but I guess Ill just have to agree that he's a turdburger with cheese, but only with cheese on a good day.

 

I'm sure there is some sort of reason. I can't figure it out. I just can't tolerate being treated this way and I'm tired of the cycle.

 

It's lonely being married, so if I'm gonna be lonely may as well be alone (well with my dog--not the one in the icon, he can keep that one, she's a pain in the butt, I'll take the one in my profile).

[dropdeadlegs]

I can't argue with you, MFK. I'd rather be alone and lonely than married and lonely. It's the old "...one less egg to fry, one less man to pick up after..." mentality. It gets old fast to give the best part of myself and feel like I get nothing in return.

 

I am curious, can you interpret your signature for me, please? I recognize "misery."

[My Fair Katie]

It's a quote from the Divine Comedy, in the 5th Canto of the Inferno Francesca (who is in the second circle of hell for committing adultry with her husband's brother Paolo) says it to Dante.

 

Loosely translated (cause I can't be bothered to go find my copy) it means t hat there is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery, a time when one was happy.

[PWSX3]

I started doing these things because I'm a nice person. As far as cleaning, I like and want the house clean, so I clean it. It's not THAT I do it that makes me angry, it's that I get no appreciation or credit.

In my relationship I also like a cleaner house then my W that is moving back in so I am the one that will be cleaning the house instead of waiting for the DW to help.

Oh, but if he does something like mow the lawn he expects a full day of adoration and appreciation and when I don't give it (because really frack off, you mowed the lawn big fracking whoop, you get a thank you and a beer if I'm feeling nice) he mopes about and gets whiney and accuses me of being mean.

I am sorry you have to be going thru this, it has to be hard.

As for me, been there, sounded just like this, even have the T-shirt. Its sad to hear there are other guys out there that are like this because its not good on any relationship as you know. Wow could your H ever use some good old reality chat with a4a..

I vent here because "communicating" with him is like talking to a brick wall. I can be polite and loving, use "I feel" phrases, he won't listen. I can be calm, rational and use logic, he won't listen. I can stomp my foot and throw a tantrum, he won't listen, I can have a nervous a breakdown and he'll listen, but tell me to snap out of it. I can tell him exactly what I typed, and, you guessed it, in one ear out the other.

I know this might be hard to believe but if you would ask your H if he is doing a good job being a husband he would probably say; yes I'm a very good husband. Remember I used to be a lot like your H & in the beginning I really thought I was being a good husband. when I grew up my mom did all the house work & my dad did all the yard work and I thought that is how it was supposes to be.

I also understand how when you talk to him he probably doesn't listen because like I said he doesn't really realize that things are not going well. In his "world" things are going well so why change??

 

I would also guess that he gets what he wants, can spend money anytime he likes & when you want something it is a waste of money & its something you don't need. Sorry that was me maybe not him.

I won't get a gardener, a maid, a lawn boy (unless his name is Fernando and he has a tush I can bounce a quarter off of--like a4a). Honestly, the resentment is not that I'm the one that cleans, it's his attitude towards me, as though I should just be happy he graces me with his precence at dinner before he retreats into his fortress of solitude.

 

And yes, we've had the talk about spending time together as a couple. Again, it'll work for a week or so. Then if I do so much as go to the bathroom, he'll wind up back in his office and "5 minutes hun" turns into 45 minutes and if I dare complain I'm not being understanding and I'm exagerrating.

 

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to him anyway. He just talks at me anyway, and god forbid I interject or state an opinion, that's "interrupting." So now I just nod my head and agree.

 

Phew, feels good to vent. Whatta jerk.

When I read these stories now it really makes me sad because I have a better idea of what both sides are having to go thru & I really wish I could talk to your H & if that didn't help then I would like to gently smack him between the eyes with a 2X4 because he needs to wake up & smell the roses. It all boils down to he is NOT putting his 100% into your marriage & that is sad. It's a shame that he wouldn't just pick up a book or two & read about relationships, it sure wouldn't hurt.

 

Once you do decide to leave then he might wake up but first he will say; why did she leave things are so good here but then it might be to late.

[My Fair Katie]

I would also guess that he gets what he wants, can spend money anytime he likes & when you want something it is a waste of money & its something you don't need. Sorry that was me maybe not him.

 

How did you know? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t116791/

 

We've had these discussions in the past, so I don't feel too bad about staying quiet now instead of communicating. I am glad that you were able to learn something from your wife's separation, I hope my husband will be able to, even if it's too late for us, he's still a pretty funny guy and I don't want him to be unhappy and have a bunch of failed relationships in the future.

[dropdeadlegs]

It's a quote from the Divine Comedy, in the 5th Canto of the Inferno Francesca (who is in the second circle of hell for committing adultry with her husband's brother Paolo) says it to Dante.

 

Loosely translated (cause I can't be bothered to go find my copy) it means t hat there is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery, a time when one was happy.

Ooh, that's a good one! You should put the English translation in parentheses behind the foreign language one so more igmos like me could read that.

[pelagicsands]

, I hope my husband will be able to, even if it's too late for us, he's still a pretty funny guy and I don't want him to be unhappy and have a bunch of failed relationships in the future.

Strange how two funny, intelligent, and talented people can meet, fall in love, and yet not ride into the sunset together. I will never understand that. You two seem to fit that bill as well as anyone.

 

Anyway, I don't see how you could be putting more heart into it.

[PWSX3]

We've had these discussions in the past, so I don't feel too bad about staying quiet now instead of communicating. I am glad that you were able to learn something from your wife's separation, I hope my husband will be able to, even if it's too late for us, he's still a pretty funny guy and I don't want him to be unhappy and have a bunch of failed relationships in the future.

I do understand what you are going thru & it sounds like you have put a lot into your relationship but you are just running out of gas......

 

I don't think he understands how bad your marriage is and it will take something serious for him to wake up I'm afraid.

 

I don't know if you have thought about going to counseling, that might help. For me it helped some, but not the root of our problem, I have to give credit to LS and the great people here for helping me find that, and I have to give credit to the fork or 2X4 whichever the blow to the head worked.

 

What also helped me was reading books such as His Needs, Her Needs, The Five Languages of Love, & I'm in the process of reading Relationship Rescue right now. But that was after I realized there was something I needed to do & I wanted to do something about it.

I know you can't make your H read the books but maybe buy one and just set it next to your chair or a place he would see it.

 

I sure hope things work out for you, it sounds like you still want your marriage to work out, but its hard to have a marriage when the other person doesn't want to help out.

[My Fair Katie]

He complained because there were carrots in them.

 

He complained because there was no tomato paste in them.

 

He complained because there was brown sugar in the sauce.

 

Then when he saw my face fall he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, you know me, I'm a picky eater."

 

Spork.

 

If it matters, I thought they were excellent.

[My Fair Katie]

Ooh, that's a good one! You should put the English translation in parentheses behind the foreign language one so more igmos like me could read that.

 

LOL, but it's sooooo much prettier in Italian. The translations just don't do it justice.

 

Besides, I like a lil mystery in my signatures.

[dropdeadlegs]

He complained because there were carrots in them.

 

He complained because there was no tomato paste in them.

 

He complained because there was brown sugar in the sauce.

 

Then when he saw my face fall he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, you know me, I'm a picky eater."

 

Spork.

 

If it matters, I thought they were excellent.

Oh, so he prefers to make them from now on. I can clearly see that! Or maybe he's looking for a steady diet of TV dinners. That's looking like it could happen....

 

Rant on (but I'm sorry you need to.)

[a4a]

Katie stop what you are doing.

 

Do not cook for him, do not clean for him, start focusing on your shoes!

 

Get up in the morning and think "what would Katie like to do today?"

 

and just do that.

 

I am married to your husband... I just found a note I wrote to him in his wallet with a list of things I would like him to do for me/us. He has it in his wallet and still has yet to do one thing on that list.

 

Passive Aggressive, control, competition issues. Never listens regardless of how the message is sent. Won't even listen to the shrink..... says yes but takes no action.

 

I have come to the point where I just bark orders. "I want the price on those parts by tonight"........ "feed the horses more hay"........ "put a load of wash in"....... "call the transporter and pick up that horse"......... "this is our schedule for work".

 

I retreat to my own fortress of fun now....... no more dinners..... don't pack his lunch (his skinny ass can starve)....... I only chat business..... no feelings.

 

I bought a new video game and a new book which I read in 2 nights....... I painted my nails (shocking thing for me to do), even made the H paint my nails....... :lmao: I chat with my friends for hours and ignore him at home unless it is a business subject.

 

Seems like as soon as I become kind to him he thinks he is in the clear to act like an azz.

 

Like I told my H "you created this monster, now live with it".

 

I am not letting up....... he refuses a mutual divorce..... so I will continue to pressure him until he breaks and wants a divorce or treats me like I deserve to be treated. Either way it is an interesting experiment in behavior. :lmao:

 

Obviously in my case being soft means being taken advantage of ..... maybe in your case as well?

 

Regardless you will feel much relief when you start living for yourself again and stop trying to solve his problems. If he was interested in a R with you he would be the one coming to you asking what he could do for you.

 

He is going to cry when you leave...... and make it so you don't care if he does. Move on emotionally so when you leave physically you are happy you did.

[My Fair Katie]

Katie stop what you are doing.

 

Do not cook for him, do not clean for him, start focusing on your shoes!

 

Get up in the morning and think "what would Katie like to do today?"

 

and just do that.

 

Well, I cook because I like to eat. But from now on I cook what I like and if he doesn't want to eat it, he can fend for himself. I made my favorite last night for desert (butterscotch pudding). When he saw me eating it he said, "Didn't you bring me any?" I said, "You don't like butterscotch." He said, "Well you could have made me chocolate."

 

Yesterday I was running late for an appointment with my therapist and I left my gym clothes on the bathroom floor. When I got home hubs was nice enough to say, "I fired the maid so maybe you should start picking up after yourself." This from the man who disrobes at the side of the bed and leaves his clothes on the floor for the laundry fairy to get?

 

We don't sleep together anymore. And I don't mean sex. I mean sleep. He has taken to the spare room. He has a different story every night. "You were snoring." "I wanted to read and didn't want to have the light on to keep you up." "I was overheated." And my personal favorite, "My hair is getting to long and it makes my head itchy."

 

He keeps a bottle of personal lubricant in there.

 

I do believe our marriage is doing the death march. He won't end it because he likes to be Mr. Nice Guy. But I can't help feeling he wants out.