Am I a "psycobitch"? confused and sad.

[kat316]

I need help. I am not sure I am normal anymore.

 

Me and my ex were together for 1 1/2. The first 6 months I was travelling a lot with work and so was he so we did not meet a lot. It seemed every time we got together that I had found my soul mate. I think he felt the same.

 

It felt good that we took our time to become a couple. He was very happy of his new girlfriend and called me girlfriend before I had a chance to think we should be that way. Anyway as time went. He lost his job after sept. 11th and became very unhappy and insecure. I was going threw some tough times myself but somehow did not have room to complain since I was afraid I would make the situation worse for him.

 

He started telling me hurful things out of the blue, when we were having a romanitc dinner and everything was great he could say -You have to understand I can not committ to you! After this and many other similar situations where I felt the carpet pulled from under my feet, I was very sad and ended our relationship by saying I wanted more than what he could give.

 

He understood and felt the same way.

 

We did not speak for 2 months but started emailing, met and then got back together again. At first everything was great, our sexlife had always been terrific, but then it all feel apart very quickly at the end of last summer and we had the most terrible split I have ever had with anyone. I felt like I could not trust him or myself at all anymore. I was completely off balance. I blew up and had a fit throwing a glass a water in the wall at his house. He said I was unstable and could not stand to be with someone like that. I would make a terrible mother if I could not cope with life without having temper tantroms.

 

He decided for us never to speak again and told me he really never liked me when he got to know me anyway.

 

Well, anyone normal would just pack up and disappear and be happy to be rid of such a mean and awful man, but not me, I knew that he came from a slightly abusive family, He has not spoken to his father for 2 years and is very angry with him, even if his father is trying to keep in touch, he does not take his phone calls. I know about his good and sweet side as well as his mean and awful. I have tried to figured it out by myself, to find some reasoning and understanding. We have talked but never with any success.

 

Later I heard from work that he had talked really bad about me, like I am a "psycobitch" that do not leave him alone and all he wants is to be left alone.

 

He is afraid of me and I am crazy.

 

I am just thinking if he is right? I have called him a lot, trying to figure things out. He kept some pictures I needed and wanted back. I messengered all his stuff right at the end of our split up, but he ignored me for a couple of months until I sent him a so called confidentiality agreement I had from work threw email. He sent me my things the same day.

 

I am just completely confused. Am I a psyco bitch? He seems completely afraid of me and this is what hurts the most. I am not dangerous but he seems to think I am for some reason. I just can not let go over this situation that is beyond messy. How can someone that you have been intimate turn into this. I am sure I am at fault too, but what have I done that deserves this treatment? How can this happen?

 

Please help. I feel I am going insane. I think of this every day and it has been 4 months.

 

Kat

[clia]

Remember this: You will never be 100% sure of what is going on in someone else's head. However, your guy told you it was over. He said mean and awful things to you that may or may not have been true. He told you he couldn't commit. That (God willing) should have been the end of things. But you wouldn't (and still won't) let it go. You need to Let It Go.

 

Usually when someone tells you it's over, they really mean it. This means they don't want you to call or contact them in any way. Why, oh why, are you still calling him? Forget "figuring things out"! There is nothing to figure out. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. STOP CALLING!

 

People's definitions of "psycho" vary. What is psycho to one person may not be psycho to another. But, that said, if you were constantly calling him to figure things out, he might've just gotten sick of it. With most guys I've encountered, constant calls after they've declared things over usually enters the "psycho" category. Ditto for temper tantrums.

 

Think about it like this: Do you think you are psycho? Do you think you acted appropriately? Do you think that if someone acted that way toward you that you would think they were a bit off kilter? How would you want someone to act toward you who you decided you didn't want to be with? Did you learn anything from this? In hindsight, do you think you should have or could have acted differently?

 

You cannot fix this. What happened, happened. It's a rare occasion that anyone changes their opinion on someone who they consider to be "psycho." He is not the man of your dreams. The only thing you can do is move on and not behave this way in the future. Next time, just walk away. Don't call and harass someone who doesn't want to be with you. Don't lose your temper. You have control over your temper. Yes, we all get mad, but wait until you are home, all by yourself, to throw things at the wall.

 

Don't worry about what he thinks of you now. Believe me, for every woman out there, there is a man who thinks she's psycho because of some incident. Don't worry about it so much. Just chalk this up as a learning experience and act differently in the future.

[kat316]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Well No I do not think I am a psyco and I have a lot of friends that do not think so either.

 

My ex should be very ashamed over his behavior if there was any right in this world, but he is not. He blames me so he can cover his guilt. I really care for him and think he has some serious problems himself,

 

I have not called him a lot. . In the first beginning of our brakeup I did, I was in chock and felt awful, needed some closure, explain to him why I threw the glass and so forth. He then threaten me with a restraining order... I have not spoken to him at all since but sent him an email regarding reminding sending back my things, They never came.

 

I called him after I heard the psycobitch accusation just before Christmas. It is just over the top. How dare he. How dare he think of me in this maner?

 

I ask myself what someone can get away with? I am fine about our relationship being over at this point, I understand we are not made for each other. I understood that this summer.

 

My problem is that this hole thing has been so hurtful I can not stop thinking about it... never to speak again, to be angry enemies after a long period av togetherness surpasses my intelligence.

 

He is Argentine and I am Swedish. I beleive our cultural differences are huge maybe. I am just tired of myself not beeing able to shake this hole thing off and continue to loose sleep about it. It also prevents me from meeting someone else and it leaves a big bitter scare in my heart that I want to heal as soon as possible.

 

He has the upperhand because he is stronger it seems.

 

Anyway, I might be stuck in my own anger of having this happen to me, I am not sure what it is, I guess just being so wrong about someone scared me.

 

It seems like we are both, him and me, very scared of one another.

[kat316]

One more thing, Yes usually when someone says it is over it is over, however in our case it was over before and then we were back again, so that can get confusing. Therefor when it was over a second time I just would not take it at first...thought we could talk as adults about this hole thing and get threw it.

 

I get tired just going threw this messy stuff, but it would be good to get some of it straighten out, I feel like I have to defend myself even in this chat room.

His parents have not spoken to one another for 20 years, but they were also married 3 times. I do not want to try to analyze him but I have a feeling I am going to hear from him again regardless.

My father was verbally abusive when I was growing up, I have had a few abusive boyfriends in the past, it seems like I just met another one and that I am not cured from falling for them and too weak to totally heal myself.

[clia]

Sweetie, you can't do anything about how he feels about you. You could've been the most perfect girlfriend on earth and he still might think you are psycho for some reason or another. Stop worrying yourself about it. Don't worry about all his childhood disasters. If he blames you for his guilt, fine, whatever. HE KNOWS he is wrong. You can sleep easy at night knowing that. He knows he is wrong, which is why he doesn't want to have contact with you. That would be much too painful, wouldn't it? It would potentially open the door to conversations about What Went Wrong, etc. There is nothing you can do about it. You can't control him or force him to be your friend. Rest easy in that you are much better off without him in your life! (I know this is hard...believe me! But once you get over this in a few months from now, or however long, you will look back and thank your lucky stars that things worked out how they did.)

 

If you know you are not a psycho person, and your friends can vouch for you, then DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

 

People do things all the time (especially in dating) that are completely unexplainable. Don't worry yourself over what they are thinking. Act based on their actions. He Is Not Worth Your Time!!! (Or another thought or cry or whatever!)

 

If you have things you absolutely 100% need to get back from him, that's fine. He obviously is being a jerk and doesn't want to return them. If the things he has are replacable, replace them and cut off all contact with this loser!

 

If you hear from him ever again, tell him you are busy and you can't see him! Don't Waste Your Time On People Who Don't Care About You Or Don't Love You The Way You Should Be Loved!!!

[kat316]

Thanks again. It feels good that there is someone else out there.

It is just beyond sad what people do to one another.

I think you are right about him not being able to talk about what went wrong for fear that it would get us back again, this would have to make him see that he had a part of this relationship as well and that it was not ALL my fault.

I have to accept that but think it stinks. How can a jerk live with himself?

We had a lot of great and wonderful times together. I try to remember those, but I do not want to remember anything if I could help it,

I am angry at myself for putting myself into this situation. I was just so glad I was together with someone and it felt wonderful to finally have met a man I could talk to (I thought). To later get everything showed down my throat is chocking.

Well well, I know your last paragraph is true. I should blow him off if he calls.

My family has told me the same, but that would be hard since I understand it must be something he is going threw and maybe will never get over in his life.

Some people like to kill little animals, some kill people, some are not nice to woman..It does not mean you have to marry them,

I guess I have to realize that he is just a jerk...but.....but...stubbornly can not accept I dated such a man and was in love, and still feel love towards him.

It is a miracle how love can forgive and forget.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by kat316

How dare he think of me in this maner?

I ask myself what someone can get away with?

 

He can think of you anything he wants. There is no law governing how people think about others. You have no control over anyone's thoughts but your own. I know someone who thinks I am a horrible person. I think it's hilarious that this person spends so much of their time and energy on hating me. Kinda sad too. I hear thorough others sometimes about the rants this person has -- & I haven't seen or talked to this person in over 2 decades! We live 3000 miles apart and still this person spends precious time and energy on hating me. What a pathetic waste. Don't be like that.

 

You ask What is he trying to get away with? Making you mad?, keeping you feeling bad? If he is doing that to you it's because you are enabling him to. Maybe he just doesn't care what you think or feel. Well, bully for him. You don't need that.

 

Focus your energy somewhere else -- like on yourself.

[pinkroses]

for the abuse or problems this guy suffered growing up. You've got your own problems to deal with, and there's no way you're going to arrive at your own self healing if you're in a relationship with someone who is making you feel like a "psychobitch." I became one myself this past weekend, and I'm normally a very understanding, non-confrontational person. I was verbally abused by my father growing up, and I've always tended to be attracted to men who were mouthy, and who posed a challenge for me. I'm going to try to get back into therapy because the anger I still have for my father has affected my life profoundly. If anything, I hate him more now than I did when the abuse was happening. So, I'd strongly suggest finding a good qualified person to talk to about your issues. People say there are nice men out there. I have yet to find one, but it must be true.

 

In the meantime, forget the things you can't get back from your boyfriend, and stop looking for answers. The more you call him or look for reasons why, the more resistant he will become to avoid his own inner pain. Try to accept the fact that you can't change or fix people with problems such as your ex-boyfriend has. Learn to understand and love yourself, and you will have a tendency to be drawn to healthier interactions.

 

Good luck to you.

[Just A Girl2]

Like many others, I can totally relate to your feeling so hurt and shocked that someone you once had a great and loving relationship with, could now go behind your back and call you a 'psychobitch.' Yes, it does seem hard to fathom, in situations like this, that someone could say such things.........but please know........(and I mean no disrespect to men here, and I'm not saying that ALL men are like this).....some men, like you said, try to cover up their guilt and sadness at the relationship being over, by making the woman out to be the 'crazy one'....especially to his friends and family........if he can make it look like he is much better off without such an unstable/crazy/psycho individual, then he's less likely to be badgered about what really happened; why things ended.

 

And then there's just some guys who are get a lot of laughs and attention from their guy friends, by going around calling their exes "psychos."

 

My ex husband, who *I* had charged with assault..who *I* left.....who *I* divorced.....well, when people asked him why I left, he would tell them all kinds of absurd lies.......things like "oh well she became a religious fanatic and I had to kick her out" LOL That was probably one of the more mild things he said.......but being the big dork that he was, there was no way he could take responsibility for his part in things (his abusiveness, which is why I left)....so it was just easier for him to make me look like the foolish/crazy one.

 

So just chalk up your ex's comments about you as his immature way of handling things....and don't take it personally, okay? It's just easier for him to blame YOU, then take responsibility.

 

And these things of yours that he has.........are they that important or can you just forget about them?

 

Sometimes when a relationship ends, we often see the 'uglier' side of our ex.......and it's not pretty..but people sometimes turn mean and nasty when in fact, they're just hurting and trying to put on a brave face.

 

Now with that said, do your best to refrain from contacting him totally....no emails, no phone calls, no nothing. Continuing to do so will only make him feel all the more justified in calling you names. He's not worth your time or energy any longer. Focus on you......and loving yourself, and healing from all of this.........and seeing the good person that you are. Okay?

 

Hugs

[kat316]

Happy New Year and thanks for all the good advice,

I spent New Years thinking about him and wondering if he was thinking about me...but of course I know there is no point...I just can not help it.

I know that if I would contact him he would give me a cold nasty shower again so I am not, but it is hard. Trying to find reasons to call almost, like does he understand that I really want him?..

Watching all these Ho0ollywood movies when the guy always regrets his bad behavior, rushes back to the girl to pleed to get back together and then she does, and they live happily ever after does not seem to come true in my case.

I am kind of waiting around for it and realize how stupid that is.

He seems to think I was abusing him and I am asking myself a lot of questions about that, feeling guilty and wondering where my problems are.

I am 40 and still single and have no kids so I am asking myself what went wrong.

[kat316]

he did send me my things back the same day I sent him this standard confidentiality thing...I guess it scared him too, so that is done, I also did say to him that I thought it was really low for not just talking to me like a human being instead of treating my like I am sick and crazy, but that is all, I also wished him happy holidays and told him I was working a lot,

trying to act normal and decent, anyway I will not keep in touch with him again even if doing so can almost seem like a drug to me.

[k10mil]

Kat, I know exactly what you are going through. I have been in a relationship w/the same person for 3 years. I have learned how to love from this person. I felt like I was a great girlfriend to this man. However, his actions are not coinciding w/his words. He has asked me to move in with him. Then changed his mind. I don't even know if he is aware of the contradiction. I have decided that I will not spend another year in ambivalence and insecurity and will do my darnedest to get over him. I feel very confident that I am a good catch and there is a man out there who will give me the love and affection that I want and deserve. I am coming to realize that this man is not it, no matter how much I want him to be.

You and I have to be strong enough to recognize our worth and that these men are not worth our time or tears. I keep hoping that he will pull some Harlequin romance stunt and I'll have the man I want the way I want him. Unfortunately, it aint happening w/these men. So we have to leave them alone and make our own Harlequin stunt-just w/someone else.

Good luck!

[kat316]

I am aware that you are all right. I am seeing a therapist and I am getting stronger. I went to see my family over seas and it felt good to be amongst people that know me and love me and that knows I am not a psycobitch.

My ex really managed to get under my skin and undermined my self esteem slowly but surely. I was fine before I met him and a wreck when it ended.

Do you all not think he realizes this?

I have been very succesful with work and for some reason I think that made him feel bad about himself, not doing as well for awhile.

I know Argentines are machos and can not take rejections very well. When I threw that glass and made a scene he might have felt I stepped over the limits of his ego. I did have sound reasons but he does not agree with that at all. I still regretting "loosing it" terribly and feel a lot of guilt about that. Anyway, moving on is a hard thing to do. For some reason I still feel like I would be unfaithful to him being with someone else. I am also afraid something like this would happen to me again,

I am really good in advicing other people what to do but with myself I suck!

 

kat

[kat316]

..and by the way, how long did it take you to get over your exes_

?

[kat316]

I still want him back

Kat

[clia]

Accept that you are going to miss him and want him back for the next few months.

 

Just accept that.

 

But...know that having him back is not in your best intentions. It isn't! Know that there are loads of wonderful men in the world and all you need is one. He is not the last man on Earth. He is not the last man you will ever love. He is not the last man you will ever date. What went wrong is that he isn't the right man for you. That's it! You will eventually meet the right man.

 

Fight the urge to call or contact him. Don't do it. It is much better to walk away and maintain your dignity. Four months from now you will be in a new place in your life and you won't be worrying about this at all. Vent here on the board if you need to talk. Start a journal and write imaginary letters you will never send. Do anything but contact him. Cry. Curl up in bed and cry more. Eat bon bons. Drink Diet Coke. Watch videos. It's okay to be sad!

 

But don't do this for too long. Force yourself to get ready, look pretty, and get out of the house. Go to the gym, go to museums, go to Starbucks, go to Barnes and Noble, go shopping. Whatever! Just get out of the house. Start living your life again, the life you had BEFORE you ever met him. You'll start to remember it! You really will.

 

Living well is the best revenge. And you could very well meet the man of your dreams tomorrow. This guy isn't him.

[susan]

My boyfriend of a few years broke up with me this summer. In the beginning we had some discussions with me always ending up crying and him not wanting to take time nor energy to really care about working it threw, spending more time blaming me for being “wrong” and decided that we were simply wrong for each other.

Well he was over me I guess.

I tried so hard to be strong about this and tried to remain on a friendly note, but the more I tried the situation got worse. Today we never speak.

I somehow think that he also was very hurt by our situation and that his way of dealing with it was to be mean to me and finally just to end all contact. I just felt empty, lost and amputated, I never wanted anything bad to happen between us. I really loved him very much.

Last time I spoke with him he screamed at me saying I was crazy and obsessed, that all he wanted was never to speak to me again, he could not handle it,

I wanted to get back to some kind of mutual respect and closure. Are we not both adults?

Even if we never would get back together again I need some kind of respect and dignity. It would make it much easier for me to move on in my life that way. Well, he is not giving that to me.

I met somebody else recently, but I feel so afraid and I still think about my ex after 7 months.

I am so angry at my ex for treating me the way he did but I feel more angry at myself for allowing it go on for a long time. I think the anger makes it difficult for me to move on.

I recently wrote him an e-mail (below) that of course he has not answered

 

I called you to ask a pretty trivial question, but now I think it would be

good for us to meet each other, That might be the last thing you want, but

I need it, in all honesty,_ I am asking you for it , I deserve it_ and

I am not asking for much.

Let me know when is good for you._ The sooner the better.

It will take a couple of hours of your time, to ignore_ and to refuse

someone a healthy closure, is selfish and plain mean spirited, especially

when you claim you are happy and well yourself.

To treat a woman like dirt, is not a pretty thing, to treat a woman like

dirt that you had a relationship with is a very ugly thing, if you enjoy it

it is a very sad thing,_ even if this is who you are, ( I just refuse to

believe that),_ maybe you can take a break from that and be a decent man for a couple of

hours. I am asking you .

[HokeyReligions]

Last time I spoke with him he screamed at me saying I was crazy and obsessed, that all he wanted was never to speak to me again, he could not handle it,

 

This looks like closure to me. Stop putting yourself through this - talking to him or seeing him is not going to make it any better or easier.

 

I tried so hard to be strong about this and tried to remain on a friendly note, but the more I tried the situation got worse. Today we never speak.

 

This is a prime example of why you should just cut off all ties and communication with him and move on. You have closure - it may not be all nicey-nicey - but when is losing someone you love ever nice? It's painful and you just have to move on. That is the only way you can end the pain--by letting go.

 

If I told someone I never wanted to see them again, then started getting emails or calls from them, I would think they were way to clingy and obsessed and be thanking my lucky stars I got out of the relationship when I did. If the contact persisted too long I would get a restraining order.

[midori]

Hi Susan,

 

It's so difficult, isn't it, to let go of something when you feel that you haven't been heard. It lingers, it leaves you feeling that your ex has mistaken ideas and understandings of who you are and what was going on in the relationship. How can you put that behind you?

 

Here's the answer I've found: my ex was not and probably never will be capable of hearing me. And that may well be the case for yours. As difficult as it has been for me to grasp, that's not a problem for my ex, at least not in the short run. He has his life structured in a very different way than I have. He was a complete jerk when we broke up (more than once -- both the breaking up, and the being a jerk subsequently). He declared that he didn't want to have anything further to do with me, despite the fact that, as he would be the first to admit, I not only had never done anything hurtful to him, but moreover I was one of the best people he had ever known.

 

Boy did that hurt. And it took me such a long time to get over. It was the final insult, the cutting off all contact. I tried to get a fix on it, tried to see it in a way that minimized the hurt for me. I tried to make sense of it in light of his other behavior (a common conclusion that I & others who patiently heard me out reached was that being in touch with me was too painful for him because he still loved me). You can probably go back into the archives of this site and look for threads started by me (very few). Chances are, they have to do with my ex and the aftermath of our break-up.

 

I've moved on, finally. I did it when I realized that no amount of analysis mattered. I might have perfect, 100% accurate insight into the workings of my ex's heart and mind -- it didn't matter. In these situations the only things that matter are the surface behaviors. And that's true for your situation too.

 

1. The guy has been a jerk to you. (note: it doesn't matter why)

2. The guy has made it clear in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. (note: it doesn't matter why)

3. Chances are probably high that the guy has a lot of issues (like, for example, the fact that he can't even explain himself or express his feelings in a rational way). Those issues are not going to be resolved overnight. They might never be resolved -- and if they aren't, they're going to make him a very poor partner for a mature, healthy woman who wants a lasting & meaningful emotional connection to another person. (again, please note: it doesn't matter why he has the issues. He has them. They render him unfit).

 

When you step back a bit and look at his behavior objectively, you see a guy who is no prize in the relationship department. You two might have shared enormous affection. You might have once had happy times. It does sound like you had to compromise yourself a bit to maintain the relationship -- never a good thing. But the overwhelming signal his behavior sends is that despite a good start, and despite some attractive qualities, he is a relationship dud. And that's all the closure you need.

 

I know very well, all too well, how hard it is to put something like this behind you. But you can. Perhaps you can redirect some of the churning emotions you feel toward exploring what within yourself was motivated to a) tolerate the things you did just for the sake of the relationship, and b) finds it so difficult to let go now. There's nothing inherent to the guy or the failed relationship to make them the focus of your thoughts. It's something within you.

 

Good luck.

[Dragonflys]

I'll read Midoris response after I post mine so I don't get influenced by what would be great advice.

 

Sometimes when people treat us badly, especially over an extended period of time, we can get a greater sense of feeling sad/emptywhen they are out of your life. Why?, because they bit hard into our self esteem in that time and then walked away as if nothing had happened. While they were there you felt you could at least TRY and get some answers/understanding. Now you are left having to accept it. When there is no empathic reaction or regret expressed by a person when they hurt you, you look inward seeking to find a reason why you were treated this way. If the other person felt fine with what they did then it MUST be something about you right?..they must know something you don't about yourself.

 

Well, you don't know it because it isn't there...it doesn't exist. There is nothing wrong.

 

Realise today, and every day for the rest of your life, that the world is made up of many different people who all perceive life differently, with some having a remarkably different perception to ourselves. Never try and use logic to explain someones behaviour toward you. Rather, decide whether you deserve it and react with your feet - you either stay or get on your way. No one person understands everyone, and no one trail of logic explains all the things that happen between people.

 

You have to move on. Accept the fact he is different. Declare him mad if you want to. Bottom line is that he deserves none of your attention. Accept the fact that you are just fine as you are [the way you type and express yourself suggests you are an intelligent and caring person who is complately sane]. Decide based on who YOU are who/what you let into your life - you have everything you need within your brain to make valued judgements. Surround yourslef with people who are kind and intelligent like you are, not angry spiteful people. Angry and spiteful deserve no-one in their right mind around them.

 

If you wish for a sense of closure, relax in the fact that you have your mind and not his. You are capable of finding and maintaining beautiful friendships and relationships. He may never.

 

Oliver

[kat316]

Thanks for your replies on my previous posting. Time has gone by and I have had no contact with my ex, regardless, I am still suffering from this, 9 months now, and have problems “moving on” feeling liberated. I am not sure why I have such big problems with this, I think it is driving me a bit crazy that I am not getting it out of my system and I think of him constantly.

I sent him following e-mail yesterday and then called him up. He called me back which in itself was surprising.

At first he was explaining to me that I should consider him dead. That this is what he does with me, he said.

I explained that it doesn’t work the same for everyone, I feel awful talking to him because it hurts, knowing he does not think of me as an intelligent woman whom he can actually talk too. At the same time I feel better understanding that this might be the only way he can deal with this, after all he must have loved me too,

or maybe he did not...I do not know anymore.

He acted in his usual condisendant “I have a lot of things going on busy way”. I said that one day maybe he will fall of his big horse and have to suck up to some humble pie like the rest of us.

It seems like everything he says I have a better answer to. He is just such an immature person, Regardless I still love him and would love us to have a conversation and move along, my deepest wish is for us to get back together again (what is wrong with me?). Somehow I feel like I need to be able to just love him with his faults just because I do without having to justify why.

I think if I would get some empathy and sorrow from him, I will be able to finally move on from him. (I am not getting it)

anyway below the e-mail, any thoughts would be appreciated from you wise people on the this board:

 

Things I wanted to say:

 

I so much want to apologize to you. I know I am very stubborn and want things my way, something that do not always work,

I loved you very much while we were together, honestly and profoundly,

and never thought, it could ever end because I loved you so much.

I lost a lot of self-esteem during this time, I just did not react sensible and in time, so anger of rejection from just not you but also work, came all crashing down in a overwhelming hysteric attack last summer.

That pressure was mine and a reaction to everything going on around me that I had no control over.

You never lied to me about your hesitant feelings towards me, you kept reminding me all the time, so I can not blame you. I just did not listen because I did not want it to be true. I am just so very sorry,

It has been very confusing for me since then trying to make some sense of it all.

It is my strong longing to heal and to become as good of a person that I can possible be. I do not want to feel anger towards you because I myself was hurt,

 

I hope that you will find happiness and that one day maybe you can appreciate me for who I am and not see me as the "pest" of someone crazy that you could not get rid of,

Not being forgiven by you have been killing me inside for a long time now.

more so than you will ever know,

 

I will always love you in my heart, no matter what you or anyone wants or says.

I just need to be able to do that, freely, and to run free and be happy that you are running free too, after all we are both just still running,

 

(I always liked that horse story..(

[kat316]

by the way, I am Susan,

My account name was changed for some reason and I am now kat316 but anyway if someone wants to read my previous post it was under Susan.

Thanks

[Baubles]

You might want to say all those things to him...but what's the point? It's been 9 months, WAY MORE than enough time for him to change his mind, if he wanted to. He thinks of you as dead...time to move on. What kind of man says that?? Why would you want to be w/ someone like that?!?!

 

I've never understood why an ex-guy picks up the phone and proceeds to carry on a conversation w/ a lady he doesn't want to talk to. I'm convinced it's merely an ego boost on their end- that they are so great- that you cannot move on.

 

What you need to start doing is remembering the painful things he's said (like how you're dead to him), not the good times. He wasn't worth spending 9 months hurting over him.

 

You're excessively guilting yourself- let him go.

[midori]

I'm sorry to hear that you're still stuck on that relationship. But I know what it's like.

 

Having gone through the long, horribly slow process myself, all I can say is that it will get better with time. Incrementally better, but better all the same.

 

The key is to convince yourself to the very core that this guy has absolutely no place in your future. I know how hard that might be. But think about these questions:

1. how many things would he have to change in order for you to be happy with him?

2. what would he have to endure to win over your friends and family, who probably hold him in contempt for the way he treated you? You might be more willing to forgive, but they wouldn't be. Would he be willing to stick that out? Would they ever forgive him?

3. how likely is he ever to deal with the fundamental problems that led to your relationship problems?

 

Ponder those questions for a while, and chances are that you'll slowly see that it could never ever work with that guy. You simply couldn't be happy with him. You'd have to compromise yourself horribly in order to be with him. You don't want that, surely. You want an ideal version of him: a guy who openly communicates, a guy who cares about other people's feelings (yours in particular), a guy who respects other people, etc. etc. etc. You might feel that he's capable of becoming that person. Well sure he is, in theory. But no one lives up to their full potential, and most people fall far short of it.

 

Would you really want to be with this far-less-than-ideal fellow? The guy who dismisses you and doesn't care about your feelings? No... of course you don't. That's what you need to remember.

 

Someone on this site has a great signature: "never grow a wishbone where your backbone should be." Whoever that is, I love it by the way! And it's really good advice. Don't be wishful when you should be resolved.

[kat316]

Thanks for your replies. It is helpful to be able to vent in this forum and to read the replies.

I guess I am just not as hard as I need to be.

My ex called me the other day after I sent the e-mail. He was actually nice and we spoke for awhile, mostly about what we have done in the past months, about work and so forth. I ended the conversation after awhile because I wanted to watch the news about the war.

In my heart I know he loves me too. He did not suggest us to meet but wanted to make sure I understood that all he is doing is working a lot at the moment. I feel better. I have no hope that we will be getting back together but I know that if we did see each other we would end up a couple again. I think he feels the same. Our break up was just too fast and hurtful with too many loose ends still hanging in the air. The night before it ended, we both said we loved each other.

Well, life is moving along. I have tried to meet someone else and will continue to do so. If we are meant to be I guess we will meet again.

Next week I am going abroad, he is still, no matter what anybody says, in my heart. Maybe if we did meet I will get my final closure, should I suggest it when I get back?

I know you can not push anything to happen in life so maybe I should not suggest anything.

Susan