New flame just started talking to his ex

[Guest]

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Okay this is a toughie and I hope I explain it as thoroughly as I want to. I began dating a man 2 months ago. We were introduced by a mutual friend and we hit it of phenomenally to make a long story short. He was incredibly excited about meeting me and despite my reservations sent me very passionate, detailed emails about what he thought of every aspect of relationships and life and how much he thought we had in common and where he hoped for our relationship to go.

 

He even started using pet names and the L word in a matter of weeks. I told him repeatedly maybe he should slow down because I am not up for getting hurt again at this point of my life and I was weary of getting too attached too fast, I've been through enough failed relationships in my life to know that taking things at lightning speed is not the way to go. Especially since he and I are both divorced single parents of 1 child each. He argued who could put a time limit on things?

 

We'd talk every day for hours at a time. He'd even take days off from work just to spend time with me. Things were going very well for early stages in a relationship.....until.....his ex girlfriend and her best friend from 12 years ago located him online. His parents and the ex's parents apparently have been friends for years and years but somehow or another my interest and this former flame of his, lost touch. Go figure. Now the ex girlfriend is married with 2 children and living in another state so she no immediate threat as of yet.

 

Supposedly her husband knows she is talking to her ex and is fine with it although her husband travels a lot so I don't think he is aware of just how much they keep in touch. Well my point is now she is the recipient of daily conversations online into the wee hours of morning (just believe me when I say I know this for a fact)and they exchange numerous emails daily (I stumbled onto a few of the emails by accident while using his computer which I regret because they we kind of mushy and reminiscent, how he can't wait to see her again and all about what might have been so that raised my suspicions and insecurities even more)

 

So here's the deal, since this ex came back into his life, I have been pushed aside, he does not make an effort to see me as much and emails to me have pretty much stopped because he doesn't have "time". I also know that when the ex asked about me he responded with, "the girl he is seeing and talking to for a while" when in reality he told me he considered me "girlfriend" and we've been intimate together so I didn't take that lightly. I confronted him and told him that I was not comfortable with him talking to his ex.

 

He said he didn't have anything to hide and if I had a problem with it then I would have to decide if I wanted to deal with it or not. Then as recent as last night I noticed through an instant message program that he and his ex were both online and the screen names were active. I was on the phone with him and heard the chime of a message and I asked who he was talking to besides me and he said a male friend. He was very preoccupied while talking to me and I had to repeat myself quite a few times.

 

I'm just not stupid and I wish I was because he very much prides himself on his honesty and integrity yet here he is lying to me and acting entirely different (not seeing me as much and not as affectionate either, the L word stopped too) since this ex and her friend came back into the picture. I am not sure how to take this because he has assured me I have nothing to worry about and I had better take his answer because if I was going to be a jealous girlfriend he would not tolerate it.

 

I've been told by numerous people not to sweat it and I am over-anylizing the situation but none of them know I've read the emails and caught him in a lie. I am just wondering if I should wait it out until they get it all out of their system or if his behavior is really not my imagination running wild?

[norajane]

He said he didn't have anything to hide and if I had a problem with it then I would have to decide if I wanted to deal with it or not.

 

he can't wait to see her again

 

he very much prides himself on his honesty and integrity yet here he is lying to me

 

he has assured me I have nothing to worry about and I had better take his answer because if I was going to be a jealous girlfriend he would not tolerate it.

 

I've read the emails and caught him in a lie.

 

I'm sorry, but he's already proven himself to be a liar. And, he's demanding that you accept the extent of his involvement with his ex and his neglect of your relationship, or he'll end your relationship. Sounds like HE has already made his choice on what is most important to him, and it isn't you.

 

The capper is the you "had better take his answer" becasue he wouldn't tolerate a jealous girlfriend. No, sweets, you don't have to "take" his answer and you don't have to take this at all.

 

You are wise to question all of this. You would be even wiser to back off, because I'm sure you would get a bit jealous when he makes plans to see her and goes off for the weekend, and you already know he won't tolerate any jealousy from you for it. Don't set yourself up for more of the same by tolerating his behavior.