Issues with boyfriend and porn

[whichwayisup]

I honestly would be crazy to think that my H doesn't fantasize while masterbating...It's no big deal. Him masterbating, whether it be in the shower or alone in bed, isn't about me, it's all about HIM and that's what masterbation is supposed to be. Self satisfaction!

 

I know when I masterbate I have a series of thoughts, stories, situations that come and go....Sometimes he's in 'em, and sometimes he's not. Do I discuss this with him? NO. Does he ask me? NO. Do I ask him what he thinks about? NO. Some things are best left alone...Private thoughts are private thoughts.

 

Anyway, I've been down this road with Rain, so I'm bowing out, agreeing to disagree. She has her own beliefs when it comes to fantasizing, masterbating and porn, that's okay....Just like many of us think it's normal and OK to do the opposite of what she believes in. A man or a woman masterbating about whomever, isn't a measure of how little or how much your partner loves you.

[norajane]

Everyone has urges yes. However not everyone has urges to think of people besides their partner sexually.

 

Since you never have the urge to fantasize at all in any way (as you've explained to me previously), I don't think it's possible for you to ever understand the erotic pull of fantasies or porn. If you can't imagine how someone can get a primal erotic thrill from imagining specific sex acts, then you can't take that one step further and understand the erotic thrill of imagining a person doing those acts, or watching a video of a person performing those erotic acts...a person who is an object, a means to an end.

 

It's not like lusting after another person, it's not "thinking of people besides their partner sexually." The person in the fantasy might not even have a specific face...it's just body parts or a focus on the specific action.

 

Since this topic is of such huge interest to you, I really urge you to read Nancy Friday's books - "Women on Top" and "Men in Love". They are collections of actual fantasies as written in by real people, along with her psych commentary. It will help you understand the concept of fantasy and how a majority of people use fantasy. It might help you see beyond your perspective to at least 'get it' when people talk about it even though you don't agree with it.

[Lizzie60]

I agree with Norajane... I think he lied because he didn't want to hurt you, this is, IMO, little white lies...

 

I have seen this before, some men, for some reason, masturbate a lot more when their wives are preggo, probably because they see her as a 'temple' as 'sacred' because she's carrying 'his' baby and it might feel strange for him to have sex while the baby is 'in there'. weird but it happens.

 

Let me put it this way: when you watch porn...does it turn you on? Let's say it does... do you fantasize about the men? Let's say you do... so what..these are fantasies... you will never meet these guys... Are you in love with them? NO...

 

Well it's the same for your husband... he looks at those women/men... but it is only sexual, there is absolutely no connection... they are on a screen.

 

If I were you, I would just be open with him about his fantasies and he won't feel he has to lie to you anymore... It might actually bring you closer... Just be open-minded about it...

 

Trust me, it is better if he watch it on a screen than actually going out to try to fulfill his fantasies...

 

Relax... and be happy!

 

Everything will probably come back once you have the baby.

[littlepiggy1]

It's not like lusting after another person, it's not "thinking of people besides their partner sexually." The person in the fantasy might not even have a specific face...it's just body parts or a focus on the specific action.

 

Just to add to this, I find I can lump my fantasies into two categories:

 

a) Someone I know, which will usually consist of either past sex acts or someone I want to have sex with in the future

 

or,

 

b) Ficticious people (as you say, they don't have a "specific face") which tend to be more about a particular scenario than a person

[CATENZA]

On that note, I was reading an interesting study on lying and relationships (and I do loves me studies ). Part of it referred to the fact that if a person lied and the person being lied to believed the lie, the person being lied to was better off emotionally. IOW, it's better to believe a lie than be suspicious of the truth. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

 

Okee.. Little lies I believe are ok, like telling my husband his D1ck is big when its just really average! You see those commericals on tv all the time when the wife asks the husband "honey do I look fat in these jeans?" and the husband says no when the wife really looks like a whale! Those lies are ok... but a line needs to be drawn! Some people just don't know how to stop the lies.

[Richard_J]

No I will never accept that it is ok for my man to want to screw other women. I will never accept that when we have sex he pretends I am someone esle. If he wants to be in a relationship like that then he can find someone who is ok with that or who is willing to put up with being a "lesser choice."

 

My opinons on relationships are different then yours, but that does not make them wrong. I really have tried to think about it and I just can't understand how it is not a reflection on the SO when they have to think of someone besides them to get turned on.

 

My views on sex, love, and fantasy work for me and my relationship. They are not weird, maybe they are just in the minority. Or maybe people just believe that all men are like that so they settle for the fact that their SO does it.

 

What you're expecting of him is unrealistic.

I'ts like trying to teach a cat to fetch the paper.

 

You said he's watched porn before and masterbated too.

He still masterbates!

 

You're so much the kind of person that is much easier to lie to.

And difficult to be open with.

 

You're NOT an appraochable woman. At least not on this subject.

 

It's a hang-up.

Have you thought of seeing a therapist?

[Richard_J]

... Just stick with the masturbation and porn since it is what is really important to men and stop hurting the real woman in your life because you can't be a decent man.

 

 

But a woman feels so much better than masturbating.

 

Can I do both???

 

p.s. Sorry for mispelling it in my last post - I never actually WROTE it before ... just DID it

[Richard_J]

Rain,

 

I'm curious ... do you have children?

[rainfall]

What you're expecting of him is unrealistic.

I'ts like trying to teach a cat to fetch the paper.

 

You said he's watched porn before and masterbated too.

He still masterbates!

 

You're so much the kind of person that is much easier to lie to.

And difficult to be open with.

 

You're NOT an appraochable woman. At least not on this subject.

 

It's a hang-up.

Have you thought of seeing a therapist?

 

 

Of the subject kind of..... My cousin used to have a cat the played fetch. It wasn't the morning paper, but she would still go and "fetch."

 

I'm not going to ever say, "Honey its ok I will become weak and pathetic and stay with you even though I am not good enough for you."

"Go ahead and think of millions of other people because I can never satisfy you."

You don't know my bf so you have no way of knowing if he still watches porn and masturbates.

Why should I see a therapist? So they can take all the money I don' have and brainwash me into thinking its ok for my bf to think of other women sexually?

To answer your other question no I do not have kids and I never want kids.

[Richard_J]

Of the subject kind of..... My cousin used to have a cat the played fetch. It wasn't the morning paper, but she would still go and "fetch."

 

I'm not going to ever say, "Honey its ok I will become weak and pathetic and stay with you even though I am not good enough for you."

"Go ahead and think of millions of other people because I can never satisfy you."

You don't know my bf so you have no way of knowing if he still watches porn and masturbates.

Why should I see a therapist? So they can take all the money I don' have and brainwash me into thinking its ok for my bf to think of other women sexually?

To answer your other question no I do not have kids and I never want kids.

 

This is interesting.

 

OK you got me on the Cat

But I don't believe you about your boyfriend.

 

Say - does HE read this? - the boyfriend, not the cat - the cat probably prefers the Times.

[Richard_J]

 

Why should I see a therapist? So they can take all the money I don' have and brainwash me into thinking its ok for my bf to think of other women sexually?

 

 

Well what about your minister?

Nah, they masturbate too, so can't them either.

And could we please not go into what they think about during ...

[Richard_J]

 

Children

 

 

Thanks Rain

 

I was just curious

[rtHawk]

Just to add to this, I find I can lump my fantasies into two categories:

 

a) Someone I know, which will usually consist of either past sex acts or someone I want to have sex with in the future

 

or,

 

b) Ficticious people (as you say, they don't have a "specific face") which tend to be more about a particular scenario than a person

 

I just wanted to comment that there seems to be 2 different types of non-porn appreciators (if that is a possible word:))

those who are like Rain; whom I would add is entitled to her feelings thoughts and ops..... and I do believe her and the R she has.. It does work for more than the rare bird, I think that lots of guys can't or don't want to admit that there are men who do not or no longer use porn.... and I do know of at least more that one hanful myself.. they are happy, satisfied, content men who have lovely women in their lives. (now, if they use their imaginations to masturbate, that is probably VERY likely, but a very different thing IMO).

 

I think that there are those who are like RAin and those who are like me.

 

I, too, am like RAin in some ways; and as Nora Jane puts it, I am limited in my fantasies to a degree so am probably not bery able to understand the desire for how they are sourced. I have NNNNOOOOOO fantasies about other men, or their parts.... not while I am in a committed and loving R... he is my only fantasy.... he is my masturbatory fuel..just him and his body. I can't even imagine myself thinking or desiring about another.... it would nada for me.!!

I have no qualms about masturbation, alone time, getting a relase at all. I also can't worry about fantasies that come from one's imagination.. they are fleeting, they pass , they do not hold the same prolonged image in one's mind. they are usually less graphic/detailed and probably more of a fuzzy image in your mind. They are your creation but hold no permanence--

 

whereas, unlike Rain as well, these don't concern me..

but porn does.. as it is someone elses $-hungry/acted/fictitious fantasy put to life by porners. They are still real people and have real (fake) body parts and have been created so to speak to fit some sort of industry version of "hot" sexy/ attractive/desirable/ etc etc etc.

 

it can be seen over and over, and it is in high def graphics to the point of seeing every detail....

it as real as it is unreal! For me, the idea, the knowing, the feeling that comes from knowing my guy is getting aroused by those porn women and masturbating to them is what bugs me. I hate the idea he is getting turned on by their ass, their tits, their spread out pu$$y ...

 

I also know he loves me,,,porn doesn't make me doubt that. Porn cause me to doubt his committment to me, his committment to us. It seems it is a selfish thing to me...you can have love, a great sex life, a good woman , yada yada yada, but it just isn't enough! why????

because you need to masturbate (men say in unison)

well that is good and normal and healty, so why can't you just use your imagination??????

why do have to use porn??(this esp to men who have women in your life and esp women who don't appreciate the porn use??) (not for men who aren't "gettin it" with their SO)

 

why can't you masturbate to fantasies about your own??????

why isn't that enough????

 

so, I get stuck in this rut, I try my best to remain a tolerant and silent SO about this.... I try to look at his ++++++ and deal with this huge - (for me)

but I just don't get it---- why can't a man be satisfied with his SO???

why do you look for something else?

 

men vs women????? different?? dunno

I just know that he is the man I fantasize about, I love, I love to look at and actually see that any other man doesn't meet the qualities by which I look at him...no one looks better and is better. I don't care how cute James Bond's butt is,,,, it is cute, but who cares??

 

so, for me, porn is my nemesis.... it constantly reminds me that my guy can't be completely content with me, or something about me, how I look, etc and so he looks for it in other women (porn) which is even worse..

as I have a very low op of them.

 

I also, dont understand not being to stop....

 

whats up with that..??? if no one in your life cares--fine; but if someone does, just stop; why not....

compromise.

heck I would have sex anytime anyday if it meant no more porn ( but the secret about that is, even if there was no porn, I'd be wanting him everyday 365d/yr) cuz I love him think he is hot and love making love with him.

 

I don't know; there is nothing more wonderful than to have that kind of "your are the most special in my life" affirmation recipicrol.

Porn, for me, seems to rip that to shreds..

yeah you are my SO and I love you, but I still want more.

 

for all the women who have figured out how this works in their life and R--- I wish you could just understand how this feels for us who don't feel like you do.....

it is hurtful, destructive, sad, and so devaluing of who we are as women in the R we have with the men we love.

[littlepiggy1]

[

why can't you masturbate to fantasies about your own??????

why isn't that enough????

Because sometimes it just isn't. I sometimes fantasize, but most of the time I use porn. Some people have different levels of imagination and it depends on what it capable of getting you off.

 

I also, dont understand not being to stop....

 

whats up with that..??? if no one in your life cares--fine; but if someone does, just stop; why not....

 

Because it's not that simple. It's not something you can just "stop" cold turkey.

 

Case in point: me. When I was with my ex, she asked me to stop looking at porn. However, the second I wasn't "allowed" to look at porn, I suddenly began thinking about it that much more. I went from not even thinking about it unless I was horny and wanted to masturbate, to thinking about it all the time. And woe if I actually got horny. It was even harder to ignore.

 

I really believe that a lot of porn addiction is actually fueled by guilt and the idea that it's "not allowed".

 

heck I would have sex anytime anyday if it meant no more porn ( but the secret about that is, even if there was no porn, I'd be wanting him everyday 365d/yr) cuz I love him think he is hot and love making love with him.

 

Because guys don't always want sex. Sometimes we just want to pop one off with no fuss or no muss. No other person, no sex, no foreplay, no nothing. Just a quick solo wank.

 

it is hurtful, destructive, sad, and so devaluing of who we are as women in the R we have with the men we love.

 

I think it's largely a matter of perspective and also the fact that women seem to view sex differently than men. A lot of women seem to view sex as a more emotional act. As a way of bonding, so to speak. However, for most men, sex is sex.

 

I remember discussing this with my ex. She viewed sex as this romantic bond between us. A connection of sorts. I told her I viewed it as a way of rubbing genitals together. Not romantic, but sex is just an act to me. A fun way to acheive an organsm. To me the bond goes beyond sex and is about more important things than sex.

*shrug* Men are from mars, etc, etc...

[kittensmittens]

I didn't want to get sucked in, but here goes...

 

I would really like to hear some responses to Hawk's post because I'm grappling with the same issues. I am still hurt at the thought of fantasies though. I don't know what or who my bf fantasizes about of even for a fact that he does (or doesn't), but the thought of it still stings a litttle. I am the same as you Hawk, in that I don't ever think about anyone but my bf. No matter how sexy another guy is, no one else does it for me but my bf. Because I love him so much, I am just not turned on by other men. So it's really hard for me to separate the two (love and attraction) and I don't want to be that way!

 

I don't want to be jealous and threatened all the time. But I too have been lied to about porn and, while I'm sure it was a "no honey, you don't look fat at all" lie....it still hurt deeply. I expected more and I thought I really was the only one he thought of (naive, I now know). It just felt like major betrayal. I realize I can't project my ideals onto someone else, but I know for a fact that he does not like the idea of me fantasizing about someone else. I feel that his feelings--out of love, not demand--are being respected and mine are not. This makes it harder to separate the two.

 

MEN: (I have a question for you...) If your gf was uncomfortable w/ you viewing porn and offered to let you take tons of pics of her and film the two of you in the act for you to look at INSTEAD of porn.....would you be capable of doing this? Are there men who are capable of this?

 

I'm trying to be more accepting, I really am. I realize that, while I don't like it, it IS human nature, especially for men, to have some "additional" urges. I will never stop this and I will only make myself crazy if I attempt to (already been there..). I can't do anything about the fantasies....I can't prove or disprove that they exist in his mind and if they do I can only accept or not accept it (not change it). I know this. But as for porn....I think this is a fair compromise.... Right?

 

Also, I would really appreciate it if someone could clarify the distinction between an SO and other women/porn/fantasies. Are we women who are threatened by this just placing too much emphasis on it? Are thoughts of other women, in reality, too fleeting and non-emotional for us to even give a crap? Or are they thoughts that linger on a man's brain, competing with the SO for desire, attention, and atraction? OR...do they actually compliment/heighten the desire for the SO?

 

I just am always left w/ the impression that other women as a whole hold equal importance in a man's brain as his SO does. I know that can't be true, but it just feels like he could be talking to her, laughing with her, cuddling w/ her and be thinking of some hot chick he saw.....when she's totally in the moment w/ him (as I would be, anyway). But maybe I'm the one who's placing too much emphasis on other women when in reality they are just "a means to an end" as someone else put it. I hope these questions get answered because I'm dying to know!

[littlepiggy1]

MEN: (I have a question for you...) If your gf was uncomfortable w/ you viewing porn and offered to let you take tons of pics of her and film the two of you in the act for you to look at INSTEAD of porn.....would you be capable of doing this? Are there men who are capable of this?

 

It would work for a short time, but not in the long run. Honestly, I've learned enough that I ask up front if a women has issues with porn. If yes, I move on.

 

Also, I would really appreciate it if someone could clarify the distinction between an SO and other women/porn/fantasies. Are we women who are threatened by this just placing too much emphasis on it?

 

Yes, with a caveat. If it is interferring with your sex life, then I would be concerned. But if it's not, then you're worried about it too much.

 

Are thoughts of other women, in reality, too fleeting and non-emotional for us to even give a crap?

 

Yes. Speaking for myself, I wouldn't have sex with most of the women in porn. Heck, I probably wouldn't have sex with any of them.

 

If I want another women, I will seek another women, not porn.

 

Or are they thoughts that linger on a man's brain, competing with the SO for desire, attention, and atraction?

 

Nah. I'd be more worried about real live people competing for that, than a porn vid.

 

OR...do they actually compliment/heighten the desire for the SO?

 

Possibly. I know I've watched porn while fantasizing about my g/f before.

 

I just am always left w/ the impression that other women as a whole hold equal importance in a man's brain as his SO does. I know that can't be true, but it just feels like he could be talking to her, laughing with her, cuddling w/ her and be thinking of some hot chick he saw.....when she's totally in the moment w/ him (as I would be, anyway).

 

Not at all. Again, I don't picture women from porn in this way. It's about one thing: sex.

 

I only generally think of women that I know or want to know in this regard. IOW, women from real life, not from porn.

 

I hope these questions get answered because I'm dying to know!

 

Those are my answers, FWIW.

[rtHawk]

Because it's not that simple. It's not something you can just "stop" cold turkey.

 

Case in point: me. When I was with my ex, she asked me to stop looking at porn. However, the second I wasn't "allowed" to look at porn, I suddenly began thinking about it that much more. I went from not even thinking about it unless I was horny and wanted to masturbate, to thinking about it all the time. And woe if I actually got horny. It was even harder to ignore.

 

I really believe that a lot of porn addiction is actually fueled by guilt and the idea that it's "not allowed".

 

thanks for you honesty LP1

 

this statement seems to leave me feeling that most men are then are "addicted" to porn not necessarily in the sense of being a cocaine addict, but more like a smoker...

it isn't that easy to just quit and takes some outside help usually or you just don't do it all.

 

Because sometimes it just isn't. I sometimes fantasize, but most of the time I use porn. Some people have different levels of imagination and it depends on what it capable of getting you off.

 

and how much of that is just about ease, convenience and getting your share of looking at porn women just because you can???????

 

think it's largely a matter of perspective and also the fact that women seem to view sex differently than men. A lot of women seem to view sex as a more emotional act. As a way of bonding, so to speak. However, for most men, sex is sex.

 

I remember discussing this with my ex. She viewed sex as this romantic bond between us. A connection of sorts. I told her I viewed it as a way of rubbing genitals together. Not romantic, but sex is just an act to me. A fun way to acheive an organsm. To me the bond goes beyond sex and is about more important things than sex.

*shrug* Men are from mars, etc, etc...

 

what you say seems to be a genaralization about men; event tho it may hold truth; it is a bit sad for me to think that, yet as well, I have known men that when In love they feel sex is as much an act of initmacy and connection as the woman does.

There is really nothing more wonderful to feel love and then to physically translate that with your lover/SO.

but yes, sex for me is about my love with and for my SO.....

it can be totally a raw and hands and feet all over the place act but it is still about love--always!

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by kittensmittens

MEN: (I have a question for you...) If your gf was uncomfortable w/ you viewing porn and offered to let you take tons of pics of her and film the two of you in the act for you to look at INSTEAD of porn.....would you be capable of doing this? Are there men who are capable of this?

 

It would work for a short time, but not in the long run. Honestly, I've learned enough that I ask up front if a women has issues with porn. If yes, I move on.

 

been there, done that..it works for a while and it just wonderful to share together and allow for on his own, BUT... true, it doens't last and then the real you and him stuff gets set aside and the crap gets brought out again;

and trust me on this one; it leave you feeling absolutely horrible and much worse than before because then you will ? why no more, not good enough but still watches that other crap...

so, my quess is most men are addicted ---in different leves but nonetheless addicted.

 

'm trying to be more accepting, I really am. I realize that, while I don't like it, it IS human nature, especially for men, to have some "additional" urges. I will never stop this and I will only make myself crazy if I attempt to (already been there..). I can't do anything about the fantasies....I can't prove or disprove that they exist in his mind and if they do I can only accept or not accept it (not change it). I know this. But as for porn....I think this is a fair compromise.... Right?

 

I here you on this KMs; and have been in the very hurt/drive myself crazy place too.... I also try NOT to be a nagging and non-understanding partner; thus my posts here on LS. keep trying to understand this pandemic and sort out how to not let it destroy me or my R.

 

but I know for a fact that he does not like the idea of me fantasizing about someone else. I feel that his feelings--out of love, not demand--are being respected and mine are not. This makes it harder to separate the two.

 

generally love brings compromise and the desire to understand and to work out things with your SO.

 

It is very difficult for me to understand how this isn't reciprocated on something that can cause such angst for the woman/GF/SO.

if your SO says she loves you, wants you to be healthy and well and for her health and wellness too; and asks you to stop smoking; at least consider compromise or stopping...

yeah its an addiction but it can be stopped... you just have to have the same desire.

not so I quess with porn----

bang head against a wall

 

 

Not at all. Again, I don't picture women from porn in this way. It's about one thing: sex.

 

so how do you picture them then???? seems like a silly ? but really, I am intrigued!

 

and, this is specific to you, and although this may be true for other men, I would bet that it isn't. I would think that lots of guys think they are the ideal and would want to be with them....

 

do men ever even get any idea of how and why this does hurt and knock our womaness around????

don't you care just a little???

[littlepiggy1]

this statement seems to leave me feeling that most men are then are "addicted" to porn not necessarily in the sense of being a cocaine addict, but more like a smoker...

it isn't that easy to just quit and takes some outside help usually or you just don't do it all.

 

I wouldn't quite qualify it the same way as smoking either.

 

Something I should add (which I had originally written, but my first post got deleted) is that in talking with a counselor about the whole thing, she revealed that men apparently form a strong link between masturbation and porn during adolescence. This is due to the fact that most men grow up wanking to porn.

 

This link is very difficult to break. In fact, when my ex asked me not to look at porn, my first instinct was that she didn't want me to masturbate. Given that I don't use porn for anything but, I can see how this linked.

The other issue, and this is why I wouldn't compare it directly to smoking, is that you're talking about inherent sex drive. It's one of the most powerful human drives (IIRC, 3rd behind eating and breathing) and not something we have direct control over. So when you factor this in, it's hard to see as a chemical addiction the same way people might use cigarettes.

 

and how much of that is just about ease, convenience and getting your share of looking at porn women just because you can???????

 

I'm telling you the truth here. Fantasy does not cut it a lot of the time. It really is that simple.

 

Now, admittedly people also like watching sex (I know I do) and seeing chicks naked (again, I definitely do). And the reality, as cold and harsh as it may be, is that you will likely NEVER be able to be the 100% sole source of sexual stimulation for your SO. It simply has to do with basic biology. We're not wired for 100% monogamy. Otherwise, we'd be birds, not mammals. Of course, the latter has more to do with sexual fantasy than porn persay, but there can be a link.

 

what you say seems to be a genaralization about men; event tho it may hold truth; it is a bit sad for me to think that, yet as well, I have known men that when In love they feel sex is as much an act of initmacy and connection as the woman does.

There is really nothing more wonderful to feel love and then to physically translate that with your lover/SO.

but yes, sex for me is about my love with and for my SO.....

it can be totally a raw and hands and feet all over the place act but it is still about love--always!

 

Right, different perspectives. I don't feel that love is sex nor sex is love. Sex and love are imho two very different things.

 

so, my quess is most men are addicted ---in different leves but nonetheless addicted.

 

I would be careful about branding it an "addiction". Again, it goes back to base sexual desire. It's something that is inherent to people in general. It's like eating. Is food an addiction? Certainly it can be. But I don't think anyone would claim you are addicted because you get hungry and want a sandwich.

[rtHawk]

Something I should add (which I had originally written, but my first post got deleted) is that in talking with a counselor about the whole thing, she revealed that men apparently form a strong link between masturbation and porn during adolescence. This is due to the fact that most men grow up wanking to porn

 

true! this is because the biochemical release of oxytocin (released in orgasm; also in other human functions) which is strong bonding biochemical and so each time porn gets used for masturbation/orgasm, it is released and the person forms a bond not to the tv, not to the dvd but to the natural human element of alll it,, the porn chick.... even if no man ever wants to admit it, that is the reason for it being difficult to stop--years worth of bonding --so to speak.

and also, the release of endorphins, the feel good biochemical.. so the more you do the more you want....

so really, it is alot like smoking...there is a biochemical action that takes place.

 

 

The other issue, and this is why I wouldn't compare it directly to smoking, is that you're talking about inherent sex drive.

 

what is inherent in not really a sex drive per se but the drive to procreate--

and as humans we do control that everyday.....

we use birth control, and we maintain control all the time; if not, we would be late for work all the time, we would stop in the middle of a restaurant and just f**k, we would be the animals you refer to, and nothing but procreation would exist.

 

Now, admittedly people also like watching sex (I know I do) and seeing chicks naked (again, I definitely do). And the reality, as cold and harsh as it may be, is that you will likely NEVER be able to be the 100% sole source of sexual stimulation for your SO. It simply has to do with basic biology. We're not wired for 100% monogamy. Otherwise, we'd be birds, not mammals. Of course, the latter has more to do with sexual fantasy than porn persay, but there can be a link.

 

the only thing I would say here is that yeah that is very possibly that truth, even if it is a cold hard and quite empty truth, but no one is ever someones sole sexual stimulate as we all masturbate and so it is someone and yourself.

 

the naked chicks. well, here is the part that gets me... the naked chicks are not real naked chicks.as in real women you see everyday. they are false lashes, fake nails, silicon, abdominoplasty, labiaplasty (so the labia are smaller and more porn appealing), they are anal bleached, they are spray tanned or filtered, they are made up like "i love NY'" and are airbrushed ( all the appropriate places to reduce the cellulilite, stretch marks, and then they are all flexible, gymnasts who can have a baseball bat shove up theire arse....

 

really, this is just beyond real and yet, this is the standard set up by the industry for men to see.. who set up this ideal ?and why is it so appealing when it is in truth, most unrealistic and IMO, really quite unattractive...

 

but this is the message -- this is what guys masturbate to, this is what is so hard to give up, this is what looking at naked chicks is about---

it is a skewed ideal IMO and one that men do not have to deal with at all.

 

Monogmy... i dunno... so many people are able, capable and with committment...

I sort of get the feeling that what one poster said is actually being confirmed...

[rtHawk]

I sort of get the feeling that what one poster said is actually being confirmed...

new_stella vbmenu_register("postmenu_1180419", true);

Established Member

 

Join Date: Nov 2006

Posts: 76

 

 

Girls, listen to what the guys are telling you!

 

Men are liars and there is nothing wrong with that.

To expect otherwise is unrealistic.

To believe your man is honest is just plain weird.

 

Normal, non controlling relationship in which partners respect each other should look like this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hugh_950

She know it too but says, that's OK becuase all men are pigs (she loves me). Then she says, but if I ever cheat, she'll cut my b*lls off.

 

Jesus!

And I though I was the one with the problem.

[kittensmittens]

It would work for a short time, but not in the long run.

 

That sux. Has this worked for ANYONE? Are there any men out there who would be totally ok with only viewing naked pics/vids of their SO for the rest of their lives? I would totally be willing to do this for him, but not if it's only going to inevitably set me up for more heartache.

 

I just can't shake the feeling of betrayal that porn leaves me with. I really want to, but for some reason I just can't. I don't want to limit and control him and have it turn to resentment (we've been there). I also don't want to limit him and have it turn into desire that wouldn't have been there otherwise (like the desire to cheat, or a heightened desire to see other women naked...).

 

I just feel like he's constantly thinking about what other women look like naked and that porn is fueling this. Like, the more naked women he looks at, the more his brain is "trained" to envision anyone naked. But maybe I have it all mixed up. Maybe the less porn he looks at, the more he's going to start envisioning what all the women around him look like naked.....perhaps?

 

I feel that I may be making a bigger deal about porn than *normal*, mentally healthy males make of it (not talking about addictions, etc. here, just normal guys w/ normal sex drives). Like, it's a bigger deal to me than it is to them and I think about it's impact on their thoughts more than it actually impacts their thoughts. In other words...yeah, sure, guys like boobies and all, but maybe I'm just assuming they think about it/care about it more than they really do. Am I??

 

It's just that I used to assume he never thought of anyone but me. I really and truly believed it because he told me so. He told me before we ever started dating that he wasn't into porn--he deleted w/out me asking because I was "all he needed". So now I've gone overboard in the other direction, so as not to be so "stupid" again, I guess. I'm battling some major resentment that is affecting our sex life. I want to give him what he wants, the fantasies he wants. A lot of it is stuff I'm not into and it would be strictly for HIM, because I love him. And I would enjoy it to just because I would enjoy turning him on. But then I just get so resentful, thinking about how I would give him that gift (fulfilling his fantasies), and then he would just turn around and go watch some random sluts, who don't even know he exists, do the same thing for him (as well as lots and lots of other guys they don't even know or care about). Kind of like giving him a priceless urn or something and then he goes to Walmart and buys some cheap crappy vase made in china. (I'm an interior design major....it's the best analogy I could come w/ atm...haha). But same thing goes for something as simple as showing off my body for him. It's JUST for him....a priceless gift....and they are giving it away to anyone. And he's looking. It's like my gift doesn't matter.

 

I also feel like a gift is being taken away from me. Like, he's looking at me, telling me how hot, how beautiful, how sexy I am and "omg, it's so hot when you do that", etc., and then he gives that to some random b*tch on a computer screen that doesn't even know she's getting that kind of attention from him. It means something to me and makes me feel incredibly special, and then someone who doesn't even know or care that's she's getting it is getting MY gift. Does this make any sense? I probably sound really dumb and immature, I know. But I really think this is exactly the root of what bothers me about porn. If I could get past this, I think I would stop caring if he looks or not.

 

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from? How do I get past this? I really want to. I don't want to be bitter and narrow minded and I don't want to be uptight and controlling. I love him and I don't want to leave him over something as incredibly dumb as porn.

 

**PS--I'm not trying to be argumentative, disagreeable, or prove myself right, or anything like that. I'm really trying to come to terms with all this so that I can improve my R w/ my bf, and I just really need someone to put it to me in a way I can understand an accept....

[norajane]

the naked chicks. well, here is the part that gets me... the naked chicks are not real naked chicks.as in real women you see everyday. they are false lashes, fake nails, silicon, abdominoplasty, labiaplasty (so the labia are smaller and more porn appealing), they are anal bleached, they are spray tanned or filtered, they are made up like "i love NY'" and are airbrushed ( all the appropriate places to reduce the cellulilite, stretch marks, and then they are all flexible, gymnasts who can have a baseball bat shove up theire arse....

 

really, this is just beyond real and yet, this is the standard set up by the industry for men to see.. who set up this ideal ?and why is it so appealing when it is in truth, most unrealistic and IMO, really quite unattractive...

but this is the message -- this is what guys masturbate to, this is what is so hard to give up, this is what looking at naked chicks is about---

it is a skewed ideal IMO and one that men do not have to deal with at all.

 

It is not necessarily an ideal that men buy into and want for themselves in daily life. It's a fantasy. Just like imagining group sex might be a fantasy or sex with midgets might be a fantasy - it's not necessarily an ideal, or something that one would want to have in real life all the time or even at all.

[norajane]

I just feel like he's constantly thinking about what other women look like naked and that porn is fueling this. Like, the more naked women he looks at, the more his brain is "trained" to envision anyone naked. But maybe I have it all mixed up. Maybe the less porn he looks at, the more he's going to start envisioning what all the women around him look like naked.....perhaps?

 

Men DO constantly think about what women look like naked. It starts when they're 12 and continues until they're dead.

 

It's what makes men so endearing...they are totally into naked women. Embrace it knowing that he's totally into seeing YOU naked...I'll bet if you decided to walk around the house naked ALL the time, he'd never, ever, ever tell you to put on clothes.

[norajane]

I would really like to hear some responses to Hawk's post because I'm grappling with the same issues. I am still hurt at the thought of fantasies though. I don't know what or who my bf fantasizes about of even for a fact that he does (or doesn't), but the thought of it still stings a litttle. I am the same as you Hawk, in that I don't ever think about anyone but my bf. No matter how sexy another guy is, no one else does it for me but my bf. Because I love him so much, I am just not turned on by other men. So it's really hard for me to separate the two (love and attraction) and I don't want to be that way!

 

I think that is the key to the divide. I might love my SO 1000%, but when masturbating, I fantasize about particular acts, and it's not necessary to me to include my SO in it. It doesn't matter who is 'performing' the acts because I'm focusing on the erotic nature of the acts...that's what takes me over the edge to orgasm. The guy in the fantasy is irrelevant and I wouldn't even be able to tell you what they look like becasue I rarely picture their faces or even bodies - height, weight, hair color, muscles, no muscles, whatever??? none of that is what turns me on.

 

There is a separation in my mind between sex with my partner - which includes a lot of the emotional and physical intimacy and emotion - and masturbation, which is solely focused on a physical sexual release that just requires some additional mental stimulation to take me over the edge. If I could come during masturbation just through physical stimulation, I wouldn't even need the fantasy at all, but I need the erotic thoughts too. And I believe men need the erotic visuals to take them over the edge because their imaginations just aren't enough - or they are too used to having the visual to do without it.

[norajane]

I also feel like a gift is being taken away from me. Like, he's looking at me, telling me how hot, how beautiful, how sexy I am and "omg, it's so hot when you do that", etc., and then he gives that to some random b*tch on a computer screen that doesn't even know she's getting that kind of attention from him. It means something to me and makes me feel incredibly special, and then someone who doesn't even know or care that's she's getting it is getting MY gift. Does this make any sense? I probably sound really dumb and immature, I know. But I really think this is exactly the root of what bothers me about porn. If I could get past this, I think I would stop caring if he looks or not.

 

You're blending two separate things. In order to get past this, you really, truly have to accept that what you and he do together IS special and wonderful. What he does when he wanks to porn is not the same thing!!

 

He may have in his head very incredible memories of nights you two have spent together. But I guarantee he does not have ONE single memory of a really special wank to porn.

 

You might cook him a gourmet meal every night that leaves him thoroughly satisfied and sated. Still, he might stop at McDonald's for lunch the next day anyway, and that takes NOTHING away from the gourmet meal he'll be looking forward to for dinner that night.