I'm 21..he's 50...

[voi143]

I don't really know how this started but I just started this "relationship" with a much older MM. The thing is that I like it this way. I'm not looking for him to leave his wife or anything (I'm not looking to be in a relationship and I am 100% sure he wouldn't be that crazy and leave his wife and his kids) i know this is going to sound weird but I like being the OW. It just makes me a little sad because I wish he was younger because of how much we have in common.The only thing I have a problem with and that I need help with is suggesting to him how to be more discreet.

 

He's a lawyer and I'm the secretary so we interact everyday..except there's always playful touches..or I keep thinking people will figure out whats going on because his body language. I remember refusing to kiss him or something along the lines and he seemed really hurt but in my head I'm thinking "do you really want to get caught?". Then to surprise me for my birthday he's taking me out of state for a couple of days and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. without sounding to crass (for lack of a better word) how do I tell him to tone it down?...without making it seem like all I want is sex from him and thats it. Also..I know this is going to sound mean but I don't want to get deeply involved with him...but he seems to be inching his way into my personal life..I just want to keep things plain and simple how do I suggest doing so?

[NoIDidn't]

Can I just say "ewwwwww". Too big of an age diff for my tastes.

 

Can I also say, that it sounds like he has done this before. I mean, you're his secretary for goodness' sakes. How cliched.

 

You want to continue in the A, but you want him to tone it down? You should just end it as As at the job NEVER stay secret. Everyone ALWAYS notices. He might not think so. You might not think so. But people ALWAYS notice no matter how much you try to "tone it down".

 

That and you could lose your job.

[whichwayisup]

I don't really know how this started but I just started this "relationship" with a much older MM. The thing is that I like it this way. I'm not looking for him to leave his wife or anything (I'm not looking to be in a relationship and I am 100% sure he wouldn't be that crazy and leave his wife and his kids) i know this is going to sound weird but I like being the OW. It just makes me a little sad because I wish he was younger because of how much we have in common.The only thing I have a problem with and that I need help with is suggesting to him how to be more discreet.

 

Imagine if a 21 year old girl, like yourself, started having a casual 'relationship' with your father. How would you feel? How would your mom feel?

 

You're so young and you're wasting time on a man who is old enough to be your father. That and ofcourse, he's married with children.

 

What would your parents think of you having sex with a married man, let alone a man who is much older than you?

 

I like being the OW

 

Obviously you haven't given any thought to the downside of your affair. Not only will it hurt you (because he will never his wife and kids for you) and mess you up, you'll be helping him betray his whole family! You're his partner in crime while he's cheating on his wife.

 

At 21 years old, you're a young adult, so be prepared for the fallout IF and WHEN you get caught by his wife. Be prepared to own up to your part in the affair and face the heat when his wife confronts you.

 

He's a lawyer and I'm the secretary so we interact everyday

Okay, not only is this affair going to ruin you as a young woman, and your self confidence, but it will also ruin your reputation at work. You're just starting out in life, starting your career - Are you sure you wanna be the office gossip? People aren't stupid and I'm sure many know "something" is going on between you two.

 

If you just want sex, find a single guy - Even an older single guy if that is what floats your boat...

 

Tell him that you're feeling uncomfortable and end it now before things really get out of hand. DO NOT go away out of state with him. That's a big mistake.

[NoIDidn't]

WWIU

 

This man's kids are probably as old, if not, older than she is.

 

People have started saying that 50 is the new 30. I think I know why now. The 50 year olds are carrying on as if they were 30, not because they are now so much healthier.

 

This guy has to know that he is helping to ruin a young woman's future, her future relationships with ALL men, and her ability to trust that ANYONE is who they say that they are.

 

But I still think immediately.....ewwwww. Yuck.

[SoxPrincess]

I like being the OW

 

(1) Read through some of the posts on this forum and the Infidelity forum made by some of the BS'. Listen to the hurt in their posts, feel the hurt in what they say and think about the fact that you are doing that to someone elses W, even if she doesn't know about it.

 

(2) Read through some of the posts on this forum made by the OW/exOW. Listen to the hurt in their posts, pay attention to the hurt that they are dealing with and the feelings of guilt most of us have (I'm an exOW).

 

Nothing good can come out of an A, especially one like you're describing. You're 21 years old and you have a lot of living to do. This is the time when you should be out with your girlfriends, dancing at clubs and flirting with single men your own age. If this A ends horribly and it likely will, think about the effect it will have on you, your self esteem, your job and all the people that could potentially get hurt. I'm sure there are plenty of single men out there that have a lot in common with you; please don't waste your time on someone so much older than you..invest your future in someone who is willing to invest their future in you.

[Curmudgeon]

This man's kids are probably as old' date=' if not, older than she is.[/quote']

 

When I was 50 I had children 27, 25 and 21.

[dropdeadlegs]

If you don't want a relationship, but enjoy something more casual, there are plenty of other men that are unmarried that would happily fill the bill.

 

Mixing work and pleasure rarely works out. If his wife finds out I suspect you will immediately be on the chopping block and looking for employment.

[Meaplus3]

I don't really know how this started but I just started this "relationship" with a much older MM. The thing is that I like it this way. I'm not looking for him to leave his wife or anything (I'm not looking to be in a relationship and I am 100% sure he wouldn't be that crazy and leave his wife and his kids) i know this is going to sound weird but I like being the OW. It just makes me a little sad because I wish he was younger because of how much we have in common.The only thing I have a problem with and that I need help with is suggesting to him how to be more discreet.

 

He's a lawyer and I'm the secretary so we interact everyday..except there's always playful touches..or I keep thinking people will figure out whats going on because his body language. I remember refusing to kiss him or something along the lines and he seemed really hurt but in my head I'm thinking "do you really want to get caught?". Then to surprise me for my birthday he's taking me out of state for a couple of days and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. without sounding to crass (for lack of a better word) how do I tell him to tone it down?...without making it seem like all I want is sex from him and thats it. Also..I know this is going to sound mean but I don't want to get deeply involved with him...but he seems to be inching his way into my personal life..I just want to keep things plain and simple how do I suggest doing so?

 

Hi, I am sorry to say this but a 21 year old and 50 year old? Well, that's just gross!! What could you possibly have in common with a man that is 30 year's older than you? You are headed down the wrong road here in my OP. I think you should find a "Single Man" more your age, you are only a child in my mind at 21!

 

AP:)

[Ladyjane14]

This man's kids are probably as old, if not, older than she is.

 

People have started saying that 50 is the new 30. I think I know why now. The 50 year olds are carrying on as if they were 30, not because they are now so much healthier.

 

This guy has to know that he is helping to ruin a young woman's future, her future relationships with ALL men, and her ability to trust that ANYONE is who they say that they are.

 

But I still think immediately.....ewwwww. Yuck.

 

Agreed. Ewwwww. :sick:

She's just fodder for some old goat's midlife crisis.

 

Makes you wonder where some of these girl's Mama's have gotten off to. Hell, some nasty old thing like that comes sniffin' around my daughter... and he'd have more to worry about than just his wife finding out. I'd be about half-tempted to load his gnarly old ass up with birdshot and damn the consequences.

 

Seriously though, it pisses me off to no end when folks who ought to know better prey upon the young and inexperienced. This guy must really think he's something.

 

To the OP... get out an meet a nice single guy closer to your own age. Find a better job too, one where the boss isn't a sick individual who has sexual relations with the help.

 

You might fancy yourself as the user rather than the victim in this scenario, but I very much doubt that you've got as much emotional control over it as you think you do.

 

This is NOT necessarily who you're gonna want to be later on down the pike. At 30, you'll barely recognize the girl you were at 21, and you're likely to look back on the naive youngster you once were and wish you could shake some sense into her.

[greengoddess]

Can you imagine telling your future husband that when you were 21 you were sleeping with a 50 year old? Yep he's going to have a lot of respect for you.

 

Furthermore you do not even really care about this man and yet you are willing to help hurt his wife and children? Do you have any idea what type of destruction affairs have? Actually, I bet you do. I am willing to bet you are from a dysfunctional household and that is why you are mentally unstable enough to need sexual attention from a 50 year old.

 

Dump this man, change jobs and move on for your future sanity.

[whichwayisup]

Can you imagine telling your future husband that when you were 21 you were sleeping with a 50 year old? Yep he's going to have a lot of respect for you.

 

I don't think that's fair. Maybe she prefers older men, that's fine, the key word though should be MARRIED MAN, not the age. Anyway, her young past should not be used against her waay into the future.

[Topper]

I don't think this 21 year old is some naive little thing. She has clearly stated she knows what she wants. read between the lines here. She likes being the OW. She likes what she is doing. She could care less about all the moral questions or the age difference.

She wasn't even asking about advice on ending the affair. Or if it is OK. Many here automatically assume she is a victim because she is young. She just wants to know how to tell her MM, he needs to be more discreet.

The MM is a lawyer he should Know what the real price he will pay if they get caught. If you really want this guy to be more discreet. Just remind him of how much he will loose if his wife finds out. Might want to ask him to review the divorce laws in your state. Also you might want to contact another Lawyer. Who Knows you might also get a big pay out from this Affair.

Just want to say that you do Know you are playing with fire don't you?

[greengoddess]

I don't think that's fair. Maybe she prefers older men, that's fine, the key word though should be MARRIED MAN, not the age. Anyway, her young past should not be used against her waay into the future.

 

I think there is a difference between liking older more mature men and screwing someone who is probably older than your dad, who is YOUR BOSS and who you are not interested in an emotional attachment oh and also liking being an ow and helping to hurt another woman and her kids.

 

I certainly think men and women consider someones past when they are considering whether or not someone is marriage material.

[whichwayisup]

She's abit of a victim because she is inexperienced and young...And most of all, the man at age 51 years old IS the adult and knows FULL WELL what the outcome is going to be. She doesn't have enough life experience to know that very soon she's going to fall emotionally for him. He should know better at his age.

 

Either way, she wants to do this, then she must suffer the consquences of her actions when it blows up. And it will blow up, it's just a matter of time.

[Ladyjane14]

Anyway, her young past should not be used against her waay into the future.

 

That's a big problem with alot of young people today though.

They seem to think they have some kind of free pass on their behavior, that their decisions in youth won't follow them into the future. Problem is... there's no "rewind" button for LIFE. There's quite a bit of potential here for some REALLY bad things to happen.

 

Decisions she makes today WILL follow her into tomorrow, where she'll review it from a different perspective. Each of us takes our past with us as we head into the future. So, even if no one else ever finds out about this (which is doubtful), and even if none of those potentially "bad things" comes to fruition... the OP, herself, knows what she's done and what she's allowed.

 

At 21, she's yet to evolve into the person she'll someday be. But it's unlikely that she's going to want to be THAT person. The one who cheated with some other woman's husband. The one who allowed herself to be used as some middle-aged guy's crutch.

 

Someday, she might get married and view this from a wife's perspective. Someday, she might have her own baby girl turning 21, and view this from a mother's perspective. And from a mama's perspective, I'll tell you... this looks like sh*t.

(...If you ask me, her mama ought to go out and buy herself a good cattle prod. 'Cause if it can turn a 1000-pound bull, it can damn sure shoo one pervy old billy goat away from her daughter. )

 

Anyway... Lord willing and the creek don't rise... "Someday" is coming. It just makes sense to follow 'the path of least regrets' because none of us knows what the future will hold. THIS path is littered with potential regrets.

 

As far as preferring older men/women... I just can't agree with the concept that 'age doesn't matter', particularly not in a case like this. I may be biased by a parent's POV, but cerebrally... I don't find 21 year-olds all that fascinating, and I don't believe there are many mature people who do. What that tells me is that the MM is likely to be either emotionally immature... or only interested in selected "bits". Either way... yuck!

[norajane]

Sleeping with your boss? Even if he weren't married, that's a minefield.

 

What if you told him you wanted to end things completely with him? Would he accept that, or would he continue to pursue you? That's sexual harassment in the workplace. One or both of you could end up fired, depending on what evidence he has of you pursuing him or vice versa. Both of you could end up fired anyway - most places have rules about bosses and employees dating.

 

Not the best way to start out your career.

 

Just tell him that you are afraid if anyone finds out about your affair that someone will go to HR and there will be a sexual harassment claim he has to deal with, or its against firm policy for a manager to date a subordinate and you'll both end up fired. That might cool his jets enough to keep things discreet.

 

Believe me, no matter how discreet you try to keep things, though, people always find out. You are probably already the subjects of gossip. Won't take long for HR to hear the rumors.

[Meaplus3]

I don't think this 21 year old is some naive little thing. She has clearly stated she knows what she wants. read between the lines here. She likes being the OW. She likes what she is doing. She could care less about all the moral questions or the age difference.

She wasn't even asking about advice on ending the affair. Or if it is OK. Many here automatically assume she is a victim because she is young. She just wants to know how to tell her MM, he needs to be more discreet.

The MM is a lawyer he should Know what the real price he will pay if they get caught. If you really want this guy to be more discreet. Just remind him of how much he will loose if his wife finds out. Might want to ask him to review the divorce laws in your state. Also you might want to contact another Lawyer. Who Knows you might also get a big pay out from this Affair.

Just want to say that you do Know you are playing with fire don't you?

 

Topper, I like the point you made about her not being a naive little thing. By the tone of her message I would conclude that too. I think she must have low self esteem, to be chasing after a man of that age married or not married! She might not relate well to men her age due to how she could feel about herself. The MM probably build's her up , by telling her she's young and beautiful. She probably enjoy's the attention. Sound's to me like she does not mind being his little piece of --- on the side. Just my thought's

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't think this 21 year old is some naive little thing. She has clearly stated she knows what she wants. read between the lines here. She likes being the OW. She likes what she is doing. She could care less about all the moral questions or the age difference.

She wasn't even asking about advice on ending the affair. Or if it is OK. Many here automatically assume she is a victim because she is young. She just wants to know how to tell her MM, he needs to be more discreet.

The MM is a lawyer he should Know what the real price he will pay if they get caught. If you really want this guy to be more discreet. Just remind him of how much he will loose if his wife finds out. Might want to ask him to review the divorce laws in your state. Also you might want to contact another Lawyer. Who Knows you might also get a big pay out from this Affair.

Just want to say that you do Know you are playing with fire don't you?

Topper you are right. She did not ask for any personal opinions on the subject. If I could delete my previous post, I would.

I don't really know how this started but I just started this "relationship" with a much older MM. The thing is that I like it this way. I'm not looking for him to leave his wife or anything (I'm not looking to be in a relationship and I am 100% sure he wouldn't be that crazy and leave his wife and his kids) i know this is going to sound weird but I like being the OW. It just makes me a little sad because I wish he was younger because of how much we have in common.The only thing I have a problem with and that I need help with is suggesting to him how to be more discreet.

 

He's a lawyer and I'm the secretary so we interact everyday..except there's always playful touches..or I keep thinking people will figure out whats going on because his body language. I remember refusing to kiss him or something along the lines and he seemed really hurt but in my head I'm thinking "do you really want to get caught?". Then to surprise me for my birthday he's taking me out of state for a couple of days and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. without sounding to crass (for lack of a better word) how do I tell him to tone it down?...without making it seem like all I want is sex from him and thats it. Also..I know this is going to sound mean but I don't want to get deeply involved with him...but he seems to be inching his way into my personal life..I just want to keep things plain and simple how do I suggest doing so?

Discreet in a working environment will be difficult at best. Talk to him about how you are feeling like he is allowing too much personal interaction at the office and of your concerns of getting caught.

 

If you don't want him to be inching into your personal life so much, I can't say anything more than to tell him that you have boundaries. Verbally give him a list of "bullet points" that clearly state how much, and what kind of interaction you are comfortable with. Many people when given an inch choose to take a yard, so you will have to be firm about what is acceptable and what is not in how involved you get.

[NoIDidn't]

That's a big problem with alot of young people today though.

They seem to think they have some kind of free pass on their behavior, that their decisions in youth won't follow them into the future. Problem is... there's no "rewind" button for LIFE. There's quite a bit of potential here for some REALLY bad things to happen.

 

LJ

 

This reminds me of a radio show I was listening to a couple of weeks ago. The Steve Harvey Morning Show. On it, they read a letter from a MM about the girl he was seeing (not his W), on how he wanted her to choose him instead of the other MM (yep, there were TWO) she was also sleeping with. They reamed him to go home and take care of his W.

 

The next day, she wrote in to chastise him for putting her business on the radio. Basically she thought she was using them to pay her bills. TWO MM!!! How disgusting. The hosts asked her if she would do it again. This child said "I'm young. I'm entitled to make mistakes."

 

I totally agree that young people are not thinking clearly when they use this as their logic. What happens when your mistake nets you a FATAL disease? What happens when your mistakes puts you in the path of a homicidal maniac (BPs, MPs, and OPs have ALL been known to go POSTAL upon discovery)? What happens when your mistake ends the possibility of continuing in the field of your choice because your reputation is far too damaged?

 

Sure, a young person has their whole life ahead of them to learn from their mistakes. But this is the time to being laying a positive foundation for their life, not making INTENTIONAL stupid mistakes. The 40-year-old crack addict made a mistake in their youth. The 35-year-old alcoholic with liver cirrhosis made a mistake in their youth, too. When do the mistakes stop before the young person sees that this path is the WRONG one?

[Topper]

The whole sexual harassment thing might not be relevant here. It all depends on how high up Her Boos is on the food chain . It could be a small firm, thing could be kept on the qt inside the firm.

I do know that many young women in the work place can and do sleep their way to the top. The woman that were the first wave of feminist in the work place are now in their 40s and 50 or getting close to retirement age. The new younger woman. That are entering are different. Many see their looks and sexuality as power. They are not above useing it to get what they want.

there is really nothing new here. Young girls sleeping with their Boos, It has been going degree since time began.

I don't see any self esteem issues with our OP. The self esteem issue is another way to paint her as some sort of victim. It just might be hard for some woman to see other woman as ruthless and more then willing to trade sex for more pay. better jobs and percs on the side.

I remember reading an interview with a high class cal girl. She was working in Japan making close to 200k per year. The interviewer ask if she was abused. She said no. She came from a good family and had no issues with her self esteem. She was simply a business woman making more then most selling a product that was in demand. Beautiful young blonds are in demand in Japan.

[Reckless]

While I agree with much of what has been said the OP asked a simple question and deserves a simple answer. How does she make her MM behave in a more discrete manner?

 

Answer:

 

 

Dear Voi,

 

Not too sure, since the playful comments and indiscrete touches etc are part of the FUN for him.

 

You could look up a copy of your company's work policy and leave it discretely on his desk if it contains anything to do inter-office relationships.

 

Other than that you could say in a loud voice (keep it loud because he has probably already ran his mouth off to his golfing buddies how he's screwing his secretary and what a terrific lay she is...) that you don't want word getting out to 'cause it could reach HIS WIFE'S ears.

 

Still bottom line is you are his 'play thing' and as such he feels entitled to PLAY WITH YOU if and when he sees fit; you don't want to kill the clandestine thrill of it all because then you would serve no purpose (unless of course you are also a reeeallly good typist).

 

A couple of posters have mentioned youth and training and consequences but I won't attempt to teach you things that obviously your mama didn't (no disrespect to her, many parents either don't have the time or education to give their children moral guidance). Continue to sh*t where you eat, continue to be part of a lie you're young, have fun (who knows having discovered sex without consequences you may go on to find the mythical 'free lunch'). Still, looking to another sweet young thang, you might take a minute to learn a little from Lewinsky: if you need to, take your dresses to the cleaners on a regular basis.

 

Well, hopefully my suggestions will help, take good care

 

Reckless

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

What is the point of this quasi-secretive-relationship Miss Voi?

 

Part of being in a relationship is that it amounts to something significantly important to both members.

 

You must think you are important to him. . No. You must think he will abide by your commands. . No. You must think you can wrap him around your finger. . No.

 

Bottom Line: He is using you. You are using him. Nothing more.

 

Actually, you are probably the blond bombshell that he wasn't able to 'get with' in his youth.

 

When it comes to sexual intimacy, Miss Voi, there is nothing discreet about it.

 

Remove yourself from this situation ASAP. You will thank yourself later on in life.

 

Sand&Water

[Nyx]

I read this thread earlier and was staggered to see words like 'gross' used because the op is a lot younger than her partner. Even worse was the suggestion that she has 'low self esteem' because she chooses to be with an older man. If there is an attraction between them who are we to judge what is and isn't acceptable.

 

Thank goodness some of the later posts actually addressed the question. The op wasn't asking you for advice on whether or not your objected to the age gap.

[VirtualInsanity]

Please tell me your lying.

 

His so ...I don't know, OLD! Probably going grey, hair coming out all over, & wrinkly.

 

Ewww... :sick:

[NoIDidn't]

The op wasn't asking you for advice on whether or not your objected to the age gap.

 

First of all, Nyx. Welcome!!!

 

Second, Get over yourself.

 

I stated my feelings on the age gap, not a judgment. And regardless of your objections, I still say ewwwwww. In my opinion and as a matter of personal preference, *I* would NOT date a SG that much older than me.

 

So, since you object to the way the question was answered, why didn't YOU answer it?

 

[Can anyone tell I am in a pi$$y mood?]

 

For those interested, my maternal G-ma's MM was 26 years older than her. His first W died. And he then married one of his other OWs, the one even YOUNGER than my G-ma. I personally think its absolutely DISGUSTING for such older pigs to take advantage of a young woman's naivete (I may be projecting here, but hey ..... "I'm entitled" (LOL)), as that is exactly what happened to her - 6 kids later.

 

So yes, Nyx - Yuck, Ewww, Gross, and any other adjectives I can think of in response to his perceived (or assumed) motives - not so much his age.