I'm 21..he's 50...

[Seen_It_All]

I read this thread earlier and was staggered to see words like 'gross' used because the op is a lot younger than her partner.

LOL - I wonder if you could make this same statement if it were YOUR 21 year old daughter screwing Mr. Married MidLife Crisis (whose "only" a mere 30 years OLDER than her).

 

The others were right. One day when she actually grows up and decides not to be some married letch's blowup doll, she might want to be honest with the man she's going to marry. I somehow doubt he'll think real highly of her when he finds out she was screwing around with some married pig 30 years her senior who was only looking to dip his d*ck in the Fountain of Youth.

 

Utterly repugnant. Your mother should have taught you better, Voi.

[EricOnTheWeb]

50 years old,married,with kids. Can't you see that you're just a side dish to him? He's not interested in a relationship with you...probably only wants sex...bout it.

 

I think you should get another position in another office. What you proposed in keeping it on the "low down" will never work...you will get caught. Christ I'm 29 and I feel like you're to young for me lol..

[norajane]

Thank goodness some of the later posts actually addressed the question. The op wasn't asking you for advice on whether or not your objected to the age gap.

 

Well, she DID title her thread, I'm 21...he's 50. She didn't title it, how to get him to be more discreet.

 

I have to assume she expected to get comments on the age gap since that's what she used to draw people in to read the thread.

[Babybird]

SO you don't want a relationship with feeling but you don't just want sex?? I'm confused. What do you want???

 

Tell him that he needs to keep his paws to himself at work. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and you would rather he didn't. If he doesn't respect what you have to say about that subject tell him to f*** off. No skin off your chin right??

 

I was in a situation like this when I was 23. He was my 45 year old boss. The one thing I remember was being scared for my job if I ended things. I hope your not. Remember you work in a law firm. Don't be afraid to walk away from this guy if it becomes more than you want, or can handle.

[norajane]

The whole sexual harassment thing might not be relevant here. It all depends on how high up Her Boos is on the food chain . It could be a small firm, thing could be kept on the qt inside the firm.

I do know that many young women in the work place can and do sleep their way to the top. The woman that were the first wave of feminist in the work place are now in their 40s and 50 or getting close to retirement age. The new younger woman. That are entering are different. Many see their looks and sexuality as power. They are not above useing it to get what they want.

there is really nothing new here. Young girls sleeping with their Boos, It has been going degree since time began.

I don't see any self esteem issues with our OP. The self esteem issue is another way to paint her as some sort of victim. It just might be hard for some woman to see other woman as ruthless and more then willing to trade sex for more pay. better jobs and percs on the side.

I remember reading an interview with a high class cal girl. She was working in Japan making close to 200k per year. The interviewer ask if she was abused. She said no. She came from a good family and had no issues with her self esteem. She was simply a business woman making more then most selling a product that was in demand. Beautiful young blonds are in demand in Japan.

 

Doesn't matter if she sees it as sexual harassment or not. Boss sleeping with subordinate creates a 'hostile work environment' for the rest of the staff. All it takes is for one angry/disgusted/jealous/malicious/genuinely upset secretary in the firm to go to HR and tell them what's going on - and that secretary just might do so if she objects to others sleeping their way to the top.

[pricillia]

not saying that OP is this way... but some women like the attention that they get from men and need it no matter how they get it.

 

Not sure what the OP's life was like growing up but maybe she did not get attention from her father...

 

But she is so young that she will end up leaving him sooner or later.

 

He is your direct superior he prob gets an ego boost every time well you know...

 

You should protect yourself!!!

[Tomcat33]

Doesn't matter if she sees it as sexual harassment or not. Boss sleeping with subordinate creates a 'hostile work environment' for the rest of the staff. All it takes is for one angry/disgusted/jealous/malicious/genuinely upset secretary in the firm to go to HR and tell them what's going on - and that secretary just might do so if she objects to others sleeping their way to the top.

 

Not if it's a private practice, a lot of those family run firms dón't even have an HR dept. It could be just a small firm.

 

Regardless, I sense a bit of fear in the tone of the OP and I'm sure the fact that he is her boss compounds the whole experience, I dare say it sounds like she might not even want to truly continue it and might feel pressured in some sort of way.

Tough situation, one could say, just end it but she might have to do it at the cost of losing her job and she may not be prepared for that. OR I could have completely misread the OP and she doesn't feel fear at all, she truly only thinks she wants a no strings attached experience.

But there are ALWAYS strings attached....

 

As per the comments about it being gross, there are plenty of 50yr old men that look better than the 20 yr olds and vice versa, and women in their 50's going out with 20 some yr old men.....attraction can happen in many ways...but as someone said earlier, what the key issue should be is that he is married not that he is considerably older.

[Curmudgeon]

Agreed. Ewwwww. :sick:

She's just fodder for some old goat's midlife crisis.

 

If 50 is an "old goat," what the hell does that make me at 60? A dinosaur? Extinct? Over the hill? A "dirty old man" just by virtue of my age?

 

Of course, perhaps that just makes me a curmudgeon, ya think?

 

I just LOVE ageism!

[Meaplus3]

If 50 is an "old goat," what the hell does that make me at 60? A dinosaur? Extinct? Over the hill? A "dirty old man" just by virtue of my age?

 

Of course, perhaps that just makes me a curmudgeon, ya think?

 

I just LOVE ageism!

 

Curmudgeon, Sorry to chime in here but you just made me laugh so hard! Your just a nice lion!

 

AP:)

[Ladyjane14]

If 50 is an "old goat," what the hell does that make me at 60? A dinosaur? Extinct? Over the hill? A "dirty old man" just by virtue of my age?

 

Of course, perhaps that just makes me a curmudgeon, ya think?

 

I just LOVE ageism!

 

...Certainly not by virtue of your age. I am, myself, closer to yours than I am to hers.

But yeah, I'd describe a guy of mature years who's out screwing 21 year-olds as a "dirty old man". I'm not gonna lie about it. I'm not respecting that AT ALL.

[Salicious Crumb]

(1) Read through some of the posts on this forum and the Infidelity forum made by some of the BS'. Listen to the hurt in their posts, feel the hurt in what they say and think about the fact that you are doing that to someone elses W, even if she doesn't know about it.

 

Sox...while I admire your effort...people like this "woman" do not give a crap who they hurt. They don't care as long as they get what they want.

[whichwayisup]

If 50 is an "old goat," what the hell does that make me at 60? A dinosaur? Extinct? Over the hill? A "dirty old man" just by virtue of my age?

 

Of course, perhaps that just makes me a curmudgeon, ya think?

 

I just LOVE ageism!

 

I hear men get better as they age.......

[dropdeadlegs]

I hear men get better as they age.......

That's been my experience. Woohoo! :bunny::bunny:

 

I think I've gotten better, too.

[voi143]

For the most part I appreciate the words of advice from everyone who read this post. I think some people didn't really read what I posted. I don't want anything more from this man, than a sexual relationship. Why don't I just go out with a single guy?

 

Because they have all wanted more and a deeper relationship that I really do not have time for and want at this time and I actually want a break from that. There will probably be a smart remark like why not just get a prostitute...because honestly i would rather engage in this with someone who i know.

 

As trifling as some of you think it is, I thought it would be better to have this type of relationship with a married guy because there is no real commitment. I know for a fact that he will not leave his wife or kids...AND I DO NOT WANT HIM TO. It would not make any sense if he did. I already know that we are using each other (im young attractive and I guess to boost his ego or whatever...for me its getting whatever I want without a commitment) and no i do not have low self esteem.It's just easy for me this way. Losing my job is not a concern because its not an issue. This is not my real job, I have my own business, I'm just helping out the lead attorney who is away overseas. The main question I asked was how can I suggest to him to be more undercover about this..that's all beacuse I've never been with someone this age and I don't know how guys are at his stage in life? I don't know how to word what I'm trying to say correctly so bear with me.. more of the reason why I headed the topic of this post that way. I

 

How come older men can't be sexy...yea I know he's old enough to be my dad but to me he is just a guy..I'm sure if it was the other way around the women/men that have remarked "ewww" and "gross" would be cheering the older woman on.

[Curmudgeon]

Happy to oblige!

[Curmudgeon]

I know for a fact that he will not leave his wife or kids...AND I DO NOT WANT HIM TO. It would not make any sense if he did.

 

He may not leave his wife and children but when the two of you are found out, and the odds are good that you will be since he seems less than discreet, his wife and children may leave him with only enough pocket change to get a shirt done at the cleaners he'll be taken to in the divorce.

 

Would you feel completely removed from and blameless about that since you seem to be primarily indulging your own wishes in this relationship? Yeah! i know! he's getting his goodies too but I'm talking about you, not him.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm not respecting that AT ALL.

 

I'm not respecting either of them!

[voi143]

honestly..I know this is going to sound bad and like I am insensitive but...we are both adults that know the consequences of our actions. He chooses to engage in this with me and he's in healthy sound and mind..I'm not forcing or begging him to & vice-versa. So whatever happens....

[Curmudgeon]

I, for one, would argue the sound mind description. I think it takes someone with a distinct lack of character, values and integrity to cheat on one's spouse. There's a flaw there. Something is missing and that's decidedly unsound.

 

As for the rest, I'll simply leave you to your comfortable justifications.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The only way that he is going to be more discreet is when he realizes that someone is on to him. People who have affairs tend to live in this little bubble of denial - they think that no one knows what they are doing, and they tell themselves that "unless they are in my bedroom they have no clue what goes on in my private life". They actually think they get away with it.

 

Trust me when I tell you this - I'm sure your coworkers already know. They've likely seen it before, too - and long after he is done with you, they'll see it again. People will read sexual innuendo into even the most innocent of interactions - much less ones that are blatant like what your MM does to you. Given his description of his behavior toward you at work, I have very little doubt that the word in the office is... "Yep, he has him another one - they are f*cking, you can tell, etc. etc." Office gossip is the worst.

 

Probably the worst of it is, is that when this is said and done - you'll be the "office slut" while he will still be the same old guy. Society is harsh when it comes to these sorts of interactions. You may not be a slut at all - but I can guarantee you that you'll come out of this with that label on you, and I'm sorry - but there is nothing you can do to avoid that. When you sleep with a married man, you have to accept that society in general is going to label you a slut and a whore. Your coworkers will not respect you or take you seriously anymore. Once a woman is sexualized in the workplace, it is an uphill struggle from there to regain even an ounce of respect. Once a woman sleeps with a married guy in the office, not only does she lose respect as a person - she becomes something below contempt. A threat to women, a potential lay for every other guy in the office.

 

Now, I'm not saying that you are all of these things, but when you buy the ticket you have to ride the ride. Society frowns heavily on the other woman, and you have to accept that as part of what you are getting yourself into.

 

If you want to back things up a bit, and go the more discreet route - then tell him that you feel that your coworkers are on to you, and you think that one of them might contact his wife. Do not give him the impression that you two are "safe".

[Curmudgeon]

Office gossip is the worst.

 

Sometimes it can be downright funny.

 

My wife and I met at work and became appropriate work friends who chatted on breaks but never so much as had lunch together. It was natural for us to talk since we were both involved in the same field and were two of only three people there who were. The other was her boss.

 

Three years after my wife and I met the ex and I divorced for totally unrelated reasons that had been building for years. A year later my wife promoted and moved on to another agency. Since we both still worked in the same policy area politically and legislatively, we touched base often and I also served as a policy consultant to her and her agency in my particular field of expertice.

 

It was yet another year before I finally asked her out. Once we became an "item" the word started going around that for the past five years we must have been carrying on a torrid yet clandestine romance.

 

Such is office gossip. We still chuckle about it and, I'm sure, the rumors are still there even though neither of us has worked at that agency for 10 years and there was no truth to them anyway.

 

Had I not divorced and had my wife not moved to another agency we never would have gotten together. Neither of us believes in going outside a marriage and neither of us believes in fishing in the company pond.

[Adick]

honestly..I know this is going to sound bad and like I am insensitive but...we are both adults that know the consequences of our actions. He chooses to engage in this with me and he's in healthy sound and mind..I'm not forcing or begging him to & vice-versa. So whatever happens....

 

Voi-

 

Sorry everyone jumped on your moral butt! That was not your question. What I suggest since you are both aware that you are both "using" one another is to just have the conversation. "Hey, look, what we have is fantastic and we both are having a great time. I don't want to risk losing it. I am very concerned that if the word gets out, it will cause you headaches at home, here at work, and to a much lesser extent it might cause me some problems as well. So, while I certainly appreciate the outward signs of affection, I would prefer that we keep them a little more private. I promise I will make it worth your while--wink." Or something like that.

 

To those on the age deal. I used to be under the impression that about 10 years either way was the max. But bring involved with a younger woman myself (12 yr difference) has been fantastic. AGe is a real double standard. Would someone call a 80 year old man a Dirty Old Man for dating a 50 year old woman? Doubtful. But, a 35 year old man dating a 5 year old is a pedophile. As we age, the scale changes. I will say that 30 seems a bit on the high side, but as you all know, there is absolutely no rhyme or reason for attraction--skinny likes fat, good looking likes ugly, old likes young. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Tony Randall married a young thang and had a few kids at 72.

 

I think youu ought to easu up on the OP and just answer the question. And to the fool that called her a "ho" and a "slut". Why not take that criticism someplace else. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! And Imus just got fired for calling someone a "ho". Maybe the mods will zap you.

 

As to her losing the job and a hostile workplace environment. Unless it is a BIG practice--and it does not seem so--she is fine. If it is obvious, most likely the people that are "offended" will likely be wary of making any type of report. And she also said it is not her primary job. If the attorney is a partner--bosses can often afford to be indiscrete--who's gonna say anything? And from what I hear, attorneys and their firms are relete with this stuff all the time. THey are the worst at taking their own advice!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I thought it would be better to have this type of relationship with a married guy because there is no real commitment.

 

True enough. But what a relationship with a married person lacks in sincerity and “commitment” ... it more than makes up for in nasty entanglements! Too many others involved in the mix to maintain your autonomy for long. If you’re the kind of person who’s phobic about close emotional attachments; if you’re the type who likes to make a clean getaway when a relationship becomes too uncomfortable ... than an affair with a married person (no matter their age) is probably the dumbest move you could make at this point in your life.

 

No matter how hard you try to keep yourself at an emotional arms length, it WILL get messy! It will be impossible for you to distance yourself from the reality (and the other people involved) in his other life.

 

Reading this, I have to admit that I’m surprised that an attractive young woman who just wants sex without strings attached is having such a hard time finding any takers among all the single commitment-phobe bachelors out there. Sorry, but as a fellow female, I can tell you that something just doesn’t jive. So now I’m left wondering if (subconsciously) you ARE looking for someone who is capable of “committing” ... which is why you’re attracted to an older man who has already committed himself to another wife and family. (???)

 

Personally, I just can’t see what this guy has to offer you that a thousand other guys couldn’t. With a helluva lot less hassle and trouble in the long run! I dunno... but too me, even considering your young age and inexperience, it just sounds really naive and suicidal.

[scaredinlove]

How come older men can't be sexy...yea I know he's old enough to be my dad but to me he is just a guy..I'm sure if it was the other way around the women/men that have remarked "ewww" and "gross" would be cheering the older woman on.

 

 

I have the same age difference btween me and MM and he is , he is 67 yrs old and I am 38. A lot of people had a huge problem with that. He looks great, he has really kept himself health and well. It is not gross it is just not the norm.

[greengoddess]

 

I have the same age difference btween me and MM and he is , he is 67 yrs old and I am 38. A lot of people had a huge problem with that. He looks great, he has really kept himself health and well. It is not gross it is just not the norm.

 

 

OMG can you even imagine how you would feel if you were a late 60 year old woman and discovered her husband was having an affair with a 38 year old? You two will kill this woman when she finds out. How very, very sad.