Why is it always my fault?

[Guest]

I climbed onto the roof of my apartment building and cried today because the other option was to blow up and start yelling at people that really didn't deserve it. While I was sitting up there crying, all the stress and little things that have been bothering me ran through my mind and for every single thing I thought, 'it's my own fault'.

 

I'm tired of it being my fault. Yeah, I'm stressed out because I procrastinated some projects that I'm now out of time to complete, but I'm also stressed because I got pulled into getting things together for a party that I probably won't even be able to go to and didn't really want to do in the first place, while the people who want to do it have no clue what they're doing or asking for and just deligate anything that actually involves work to other people, and I'm still sitting here thinking, 'but it's my fault for saying that I'd do it' which I did because I don't seem to be able to say no.

 

If people ask me something or expect me to act a certain way, or to do something I tend to do it and I'm not entirely sure why because usually it just leaves me feeling upset and mad at myself. I like to make people happy and I like to feel like I'm doing something useful but I think I've had about enough of it. I just can't do this any more. I feel like there's no point to anything and that the people that I know just really don't care about me, just when I can do something for them.

 

Logically I know that they probably never meant to make me feel like this and probably don't even have a clue that I feel like this which makes me more upset actually. I want to get to know people but I feel like I fail miserably because they obviously don't know me (I'm not sure that I know me at this point) and I feel like I still don't really know them.

 

I didn't mean to come on here and rant like this but I feel so lost right now. I'm thinking of breaking up with my b/f as well, partially because I feel like he shouldn't have to deal with me, and also because I don't know what he expects of me so I'm not sure of where I stand with him, which is silly--because that's part of what I want to change.

 

I want to be able to be me and not worry about what other people think and I thought I was doing better but now I feel like I'm worse than ever and I just need to get away from everything and start over, figure out who the 'me' is that I think I want to be.

[whichwayisup]

It's time for you to learn to say "no" to people and put yourself first. YOU count. And, recently it seems your choices and what you do is for other people, and then you suffer for it.

 

People are going to think what they're gonna think, you can't control that. So, don't let what others think bug ya. I know, easier said than done, but in all honesty, you have NO control over that, right?

 

You might benefit to go to therapy and sort this out. I know I am a pro-therapy pusher, but therapy can only do good and help you get to where you wanna be. I've grown as a person and learned alot about ME by going to therapy.

 

Another thing, don't be so hard on yourself! It isn't self serving to put yourself down.

[Trialbyfire]

Absolutely. Start putting yourself first some of the time, otherwise people will continue loading their expectations on you. While we all want to please people we care about, we're only human, therefore have to understand that we have reasonable limitations. Don't be afraid to speak up in an assertive manner and say "I'm sorry but I've got so much going right now, I don't have the time to do this".

 

Take it slowly. Not only get the therapy as mentioned by wwiu but also consider a time management course. You have x amount of work to do in y amount of time. Is x/y a reasonable amount of work?

 

Be careful of backlashing and always putting yourself first though. Try to stay balanced.

[whichwayisup]

Be careful of backlashing and always putting yourself first though. Try to stay balanced.

 

Exactly!

 

One thing that was really difficult for me, was the transition of going from "the giver ALL the time," to "the giver SOME of the time" those who I gave to, family and some close friends/neighbours, had a hard time accepting that I was putting myself first. My mom, for one, called ME selfish. She, as well as the others, got sooo used to me doing what they wanted me to do, whenever they wanted, that when I learned to say no, ("I'm sorry, I'd love to help you out, but right now isn't a good time for me") it rubbed them the wrong way. Now, it's more of a give/take.

 

You gotta set up your own boundries and rules...Times when you can and are able to help, great! But, don't feel bad about saying no when you don't have the time to help.

 

Balance is definately the key here.

[polywog]

I agree with the other wise posters. I think it's a great opportunity to sort things out via therapy. You'll see why you keep doing this to yourself, and see that you deserve better. I'd also recommend finding a "Codapendants Anonymous" group if there is one in your area. It's a twelve step program. I went to meetings a few years ago, and what a help they were!