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Very Emotional Seperation. (Long)


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Hello Everyone.

 

I am very new here, and I probably woulnd't be here if I wasn't going thru the mess I am going thru now. I am really feeling it, I'm depressed, and I've even contimplated suicide. Here is my situation.

 

My wife of 7 years and I have split up. Not because I beat on her / she beat on me, or either of us cheated on one another. 2 years ago, I got myself into a bunch of legal issues that revolved around my business, which I was 100% guilty of. At that point in time, she decided to leave and go back to her parents house several states away. It took me about 8 months to get myself straightened out, and we dediced to give the relationship another go. From the very beginning of our relationship, I have had trust issues. Not that she gave me a reason not to trust her, but because of my own insecurities, and doubts. I wow'd this girl from the start w/ material things, and felt I had to do one better each time I'd do something. Basically I bought this girls affection from the beginning, which I've found out thru therapy was wrong, and due to the fact that my childhood was runined by a physically and verbally abusive stepfather.

 

When we moved back in together in January 2006, all was going well. I was running a new business (legally and legitimatelly) and for once, I was very satisfied with my life and how it was going... The only downside was that for 16 weekends from Feb to June I'd have to travel to NYC from NC to server jailtime for the crimes I committed. Everything was doing great until July 2nd 2006, when we once again got a knock on the door from local law enforcement, serving a warrant for my arrest. I have failed to mention that when I moved down here, there were several questions about my past from local law enforcement, I was questioned several times, asked to turn myself in several times (nothing ever came out of this, each time the charges were dropped, they were just harassing me) On July 2nd, it was very reminicent of what happened 2 years ago. The police came in, swooped me up, took me away, and my wife was left to handle my affairs until I could make bail (holiday) and get out. Once I realized why I was arrested, and once again there were no grounds for this warrant, I became very emotionally detached from the world, I had angst for it, and whatever it held. Because I don't like to feel like this, I had my wife call for a therapist and get an appointment right away for the both of us.

 

When we met with her 2 days later, tears were pouring out of us like Niagara falls. This Dr. really found a way to make us open up to each other in ways we never knew possible. This is a REALLY REALLY REALLY good thing for us, we both thought, and we were doing really well together, finally getting to know each other without the bullcrap. It was refreshing and new. Everything we did together had new meaning! We saw her weekly and sometimes 2x weekly.

 

Fast forward to December of 06. On Wednesday December 20th 2006. Once again, the police come knocking on the door, this time with another search warrant for my computers, etc. They take me away, and this time, set bail for $500,000.00. I notified my wife of the situation when it was going on so she would not come home to witness this, or bring our daugther home. (Technically it's her daughter from a previous relationship, but I am all she know, and I love her like my own) Within a couple of days, it's apparent that she is moving out again, and we're DONE. I then begin to find out what they are charging me with, and begin to hire attorneys, and prepare my defense. On Christmas day, bed sheets in hand, I feel as though I cannot take this anymore. I am ready to end it all, because I'm scared to death of what is going to happen. I finally get my crap straightened out, life in the right direction, and now this happens. I really felt like I was going to kill myself. I didn't because someone called out for Church, and I went.

 

After being in Jail for those 2 holidays, taken to court several times, the judge reduces the bail from 500K to 50K, several days later I am out. When I come home, I see the house is packed up and ready for her to move out, which I already knew was going to happen. This was on January 11th 2007. At first it's very akward being home, but over a couple of days things begin to turn to the "old" normal again. We're having sex again, talking, etc. She receives a phone call from the police officer that set up the arrests, etc that he wants to talk to her. After going to the department and taking her Mother with her, the police officer feeds her complete lines of poppycock, including I am looking for a new mate on various websites, etc. Anyone who knows me, and you should get the inkling by the end of this post knows that I am 1000% against infidelity what-so-ever. Marriage is sacred, so are the vows and all it stands for in my eyes.

 

She moves out on February 18th 2007, and I am alright with the whole thing because NOBODY should put thru what she has gone thru with the police, etc. Fast forward to the weekend past, April 14th - 15th. I went over in the morning after picking up our daughter from a sleepover, and next thing I know, we are having sex. When we're done, I go downstairs, go onto her computer because I am nosy, and I see something on the screen that says, Sorry I cant make it tonight, maybe another time. Signed Jay. WTF is this all about? Is she cheating on me? If we're seperated, is it cheating? I leave it be, and go home.

 

Hours later I go see some friends for dinner, come home, called and asked her if she wanted me to pick her up a snack or something, and she said no, but if I wanted to come over to her place to watch a movie, it was Ok. So, I said sure, I'll be right there. I go over, sit down, and fall asleep. The next thing I know, I am awaken to hair smack in my face. She's now cuddling with me. I stared into her eyes for about 20 minutes, and just layed there with here. Once again, we had sex.

 

Fast forward to 2 hours later. I get home, and now I am feeling very weird, and emotionally re-attached to her. Stupidly I checked her email and found another message from this guy that said, my plans have changed, I'm available to go to this party tommorow night. Well, Here is what I did. I replied back to him as her and told him No thank you, I will be going with my husband.

 

She finds this out the next morning, and she is fired up, pissed, completely pissed, which she has absolutely every right to be, I invaded her privacy when I shouldnt have done so. I told her I was sorry for doing what I did, ever after I lied to her and told her I did nothing. I told her I would be to her house to pick up our girl to take her to the movies, meanwhile until then I couldnt stop crying my eyes out.

 

When I arrived at her house, I asked her if she was going with anyone, and she said that she was going with Jay. I felt very stupid because now I am babysitting our child, and I feel like I am enabling her to go out and meet other people. I felt betray, etc. So, she goes out, and I call her when the the movie is over to find out when I can drop off our girl. She said she'd be home soon.

 

I met her at the house, and checked her lips to see if they were red from kissing, checked to see if she still had her wedding rings on, etc, when we got in the house I poured my entire soul out to this girl, every last drop. If she didnt know something aout me, at this point she did. I asked her to tell me what her true intentions were with this guy, and she told me that she just wanted to make new friends. I never had a reason to doubt her in the past, but I always did. I accepted it, and left.

 

This morning, once again I intercepted an email from her and her girlfriend. They were talking about him. Her girlfriend had asked her if she and him have talked, and my wife said that no, and he was probably intimidated by her situation. She said we talked alot, and got along great, but she thinks she got a little too friendly with this guy. I know I shouldnt be doing this, but i can't help myself. The impulse to do this overtakes me, and I run with it.

 

What am I to think? Shes telling ME shes looking for friends, but it seems to me that shes looking to replace me, which I understand, but she's lying to me. I also feel completely betrayed by her because we're still married, and not legally seperated. I feel like she has gotten over me in 2 months from a 7yr relationship. Is it my ego? I know I shouldnt be checking up on her, but I know something is going on.

 

BTW, all that legal crap from December is in the process of being dropped, as we knew it would be. When I asked her why we couldnt live together, she told me that she loves me, but cant live with me because my life is to chaotic. I told her I'd do whatever it took for it not to be, and I'd be the person she wants.

 

I seriously love this girl with all that is in me, and only realized this since July of 06. I'd go broke, move into a box, do whatever it took for her to take me back. I need your advice on what to do. I'm sick over this whole thing, and the tears wont stop. I am now down in NC, I don't know a soul, no friends, NOTHING. and am feeling very abandoned. Any help you the community could give me would be very appreciated.

 

Thank you for listening,

Tony!

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Tony, wow your situation is a tough one. It has to be really hard for your W to imagine anything close to a stable life with you. If you think you have trust issues imagine her point of view on that.... Every knock on the door must send her nerves on end.. As far as this Jay thing, well don't be too surprised if it's more than a freind or possibly headed that way. :(

 

I only have a little real advice because your scene is just so difficult. However here are things that will be sure to send her out the door or into another man's arms if she hasn't made that decision yet. I know 'cause been there, done that.

 

spying

begging

clinging

accusing

insulting

interrogating

putting yourself down

acting weak or needy

 

You have so many problems of your own to deal with that maybe you need to step back from your wife for a bit and let things go. You have enough other things to worry about. Gotta give it to ya striaght. Give her a break, life with you is no picnic. BUT stay strong, fix what you need to fix. Face and overcome your weaknesses and mistakes and move forward in your life. Keep at it and there will be light at the end of this long tunnel.

 

Worry about yourself first man. Seek counciling for yourself now. You have to be put together and happy with yourself before someone else will be happy with you. Keep posting, there's some great people here with wisdom and good advice.

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Sumdude,

 

Thank you so much for the response. I just cannot bare to think of her being with another guy, and so soon. It's tearing me up. I can't stop balling over here. I dont know what most men would do in this situation, but holy f'in crap, I'm a basketcase, and I cant get the whole "going to home depot for some nylon rope" out of my head.

 

I have always been a very passive person, most times letting things blow right over my head. This is the exception. The rage I have inside for this guy, I feel like I could snap this guy like a dead, lifeless twig. Which is exactly how I feel right now.

 

You mentioned:

 

spying

begging

clinging

accusing

insulting

interrogating

putting yourself down

acting weak or needy

 

I have all of the above, with the exception of insulting. I could never insult this poor girl. All I want to do is pick myself up, change my entire life for the better, and get back together.

 

You did say it best with regard to the door bell issue. She's mentioned that to me several times. I know i've scarred this poor girl to no end, I just cant let go of her. I don't know how to make this any easier on myself, or if I should make it any easier on myself too.

 

I cant get this out of my head, it's completely over taken me, I can't eat, sleep. Nothing.

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First off, there's not a woman on the planet worth killing yourself over. Nor is there one worth going to jail or prison, nor becoming a drunk over. Just that plain and freaking simple.

 

And, trust me my friend, with the above you've just got the benefit of 17 years of hard living.

 

A good 90% of what your going through is nothing but pyschological withdrawal! :eek: When we fall "in-love" the old brain housing group produces very powerful bio-chemicals. As powerful and as addicting as crack or meth, (as a matter of fact ~ its these same bio-chemicals, that crack and meth kick in)

 

Sounds like you've got it bad. The best thing you can do is to go no contact~ zero, zilch, nothing for 21 days. You've got to go "cold turkey" and sweat it out!

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm

 

and

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/sgle_life_1.htm

 

and

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

 

Keep posting, and stay your azz out of Home Depot! :mad:

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To Sumdude and Gunny:

 

Your words have truly helped me so far today. The more I think about it, killing myself would only fasttrack her getting into someone elses arms, and I am not about to let that happen, even out of spite :)

 

I find it amazing, that I've gotten completely involved with the interworkings of her new life w/out me. I am scared of her being with someone else, because that person is not me. The ONLY concern I have is for her child. We spend a lot of time together. I want to quit the wife for the time being, not the child. I'm too attached. Any ideas?

 

So, what have I done since the 2nd post:

 

1. Removed all of her email accounts from my system. Although it's tempting to go look @ them once in a while.

 

2. Invited a friend from NYC down this weekend, and basically told him what I thought I was going to do to myself and Jay. (There was a 30 min period after I wrote the 1st post) where I was going to go down to where he worked and unleash an ungodly fury no one has ever seen. He talked me out of doing anything stupid.

 

3. I am debating going to the store, and getting a 2nd cell phone for family, and new friends. I dont know if that's a good idea or not.

 

4. Am in the process of taking ownership of what I did in 2005, and how that cause and effect led me to what has happened w/ my wife today.

 

5. Weekend planning. I don't drink or use drugs, but I think that this weekend I am going to enjoy myself. You guys are right, it's time for some ME time.

 

6. I've read and reread the 34 steps on another post. If I can adhere to those for the next 21 days, hopefully i will be in a better position.

 

 

Good plans?

 

Thanks,

Tony

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Basically, yea its a good plan ~ but the thing you've got to understand is that "the plan" changes everyday. You've got to be flexible? You've got improvise, adapt, and overcome.

 

Right now, your a "relationship junkey" and your sub-concsious "inner child" wants what it wants, and wants it now!

 

And your right! Right now you need to concentrate and focus on Tony. Undertand that 21 days isn't a magical number ~ but when you get to day 21 you're going to look back and think, "WTF was I thinking?"

 

Look at ilmw's and PSWX2 post and see where there were and where they're at now. They've been going through all of this for almost a year!

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Good ideas Tony. In getting into her business or his business you'll only hurt yourself. I'll repeat to you what I repeat to myself everyday.

 

 

 

"It doesn't matter anymore what she is doing, what matters is what I am doing!"

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Guys,

 

I ****ed up. The emotional rollercoaster got the better of me. About an hr ago, I got up the balls to go pay this guy a visit, didn't plan on doing anything physical, and I didn't.

 

I basically got him out of his office, and told him in a nutshell, you are aware that you ar f'in around w/ a married woman, etc etc etc, and it would be a good idea not to do it anymore.

 

He was scared to say the least. I left, feeling really really really good, but now I feel like dog****. I should have left well enough alone.

 

Tommorow I will begin the reinvention of myself. I called my therapist and I have a session at 9am. We shall see how that goes.

 

Sorry I ****ed up, I am human w/ emotions.

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Alright. I am back.

 

Tonight I got the, don't call me, won't come by, etc etc. Which I deserved.

 

I will be reading these forums much closer now to see how others got thru their situation.

 

I won't be meddling in her life anymore. I love her too much to cause more pain.

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Tony, it does not seem like you're ready to let her go and I understand that. While our two situations are *very* different, one thing I know is that you need to stop the needy, crying stuff. This will positively push her further and further away. I know it's hard, I felt that way too but you've got to find some strength and self-respect and show it to her (even if you have to pretend sometimes). Also stop the jealousy and "spying", you either trust and love her or you don't. If you don't then...you know the answer. I've had to repeat this to myself maybe a thousand times, everytime I had the urge to look at my W's cell phone bill, email, whatever. I've gotten through it and in my case the results on my M are positive, so far. Regardless of where we go, in the end I've gotten my control and self-respect back.

 

BE STRONG.

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Tony, it does not seem like you're ready to let her go and I understand that. While our two situations are *very* different, one thing I know is that you need to stop the needy, crying stuff. This will positively push her further and further away. I know it's hard, I felt that way too but you've got to find some strength and self-respect and show it to her (even if you have to pretend sometimes). Also stop the jealousy and "spying", you either trust and love her or you don't. If you don't then...you know the answer. I've had to repeat this to myself maybe a thousand times, everytime I had the urge to look at my W's cell phone bill, email, whatever. I've gotten through it and in my case the results on my M are positive, so far. Regardless of where we go, in the end I've gotten my control and self-respect back.

 

BE STRONG.

 

Absolutely! The being weak-minded and crying, begging **** just drives them further out the door. When I was going through it, I put Neil Diamond's "Solitary Man" on the CD, and hit the repeat button. I must have played that song a million times until I finally got it drove into my brain housing group.

 

We cannot fortell our destiny ~ but we must do what we can until it is reveled to us! ;)

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Hey All,

 

I was going to post this privately on my own personal blog, maybe others should/could see it, and maybe it will help.

 

Day One:

 

Got up about 7am, which is great. I love early days. Checked my email, took a shower and got ready to face the day. I re-read part of the 34 steps of "divorce busting". I proceeded out the door, still with girl on mind to see counselor. Had a very productive session w/ counselor. Was tested for ADD/ADHD after I told her that I gave into my need to pay this guy a vist at his office. I was negitive, of course. On the way home, I had the urge to visit her @ her house. Insted of turning into her development, I went home. Checked mail, called a friend, and went to the movies in another state. In the movies, I left my phone in the car accidentally on purpose. Went out for a smoke 50% into it, and comtimplated checking to see if she called me. Finished 50% of said smoke, went back into theater, no phone check. Finished movie, checked phone. 3 voicemails, none from her. Dropped off friend, returned messages including one to a school I applied to the other day, this is the beginning of Tony 2.0. Wrapped up phone conversation, went into his house, began feeling like ****, and left.

 

On the way home, I was feeling crappy still, so I called good ol' mom. Gave me advice, and I felt better afterwards. Called therapist from car to see if she could recommend any good reading, left her a vm.

 

Got back into the neighboorhood, wanted to pass by her house, declined that thought. Went home. Checked email. Got phone call from therapist. She told me that my wife called her wondering if I was ok. Wife thought it was weird that I didnt call her today.. All well for that, as that didn't happen. I guess she expected to hear from me. What she can expect is the unexpected.

 

Went to bed, got up and felt like I should report back to you.

 

Time spent checking up on her: .20hours (checked her myspace profile)

Time spent on me 23.80 hours!

 

Not a bad 1st day I'd say.

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As I said before a lot of this is nothing more than and psylogical addiction and the best way is to go "cold turkey"

 

One day down ~ twenty to go. Now you won't be "over" her in 21 days, but your coping skills will be better. Your mind and thinking will be clearer, and your will power will be stronger.

 

The best thing is get and stay busy, and stay on the move. The only thing you go to the house for is to shower, change clothes and sleep.

 

dgriil cleaned like there was no tomorrow, and got and about the town and took a zillion photos. This is where you past becomes an asset. You've been where you've have to keep your mind occupied and exert self control and self discipline not allowing your to think or dwell on things. When you were in that situation and that place you knew you couldn't allow yourself to be weakminded. Same situation.

 

It really doesn't matter what happens to you ~ but what you do about what happens to you. In this situation? There's really nothig that you can do about it. Its takes two to make it, but only one to break it.

 

And, I can absolutely guarantee you that any and all whimpy, needy, clingy behavior is going to drive her further away. Ditto with the stunt you pulled by going over to see the OM, (Other man). I know all too well how bad this hurts ~ it cuts to the bone. And again I know all too well had badly it pisses you off. But you've got to get and maintain control of your emotions ~ and I say that knowing that this is the "E" ticket roller coaster ride of emotions from Hell.

 

But, all you can really do is get in, sit down, buckle up and "white-knuckle" this to the ever loving bitter end.

 

You need to read ilmw's entire thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/

 

Balance and patience ~ throughout.

 

Books to read? Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue" just came out in the paperback version and currently on the shelves at WalMart for less than six bucks.

 

Goggle Carlos Xuma and the e-book "Secrets of the Alpha Male" ~ now a lot of his material is about dating, and a lot of it you alredy know. But, I'm suggesting it as a means of getting back to the basics and fundamentals of being you.

 

ilmw called "losing my center" Carlos calls it "Finding your personal code" and Dr. Phil calls it your "center of conscious" Its all the same, and what has happen is that you've lost your balance. Your internal gyroscope has been severly jolted, and you need to work on, concentrate on, and focus on getting back to the best of who and what you are, in the past, the present and the future.

 

Another really great e-book is

 

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/index.html#home

 

(Orginally posted by RossterDAR) and will definately give you some "ahhhaaa" moments!" In it you will see that its not necessarly you, nor him ~ but just her.

 

If you really want to work on yourself, I recommend Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" and the accompaying workbook that goes with it. (This book is also on tape), and "Me! Five Years From Now" the last one really not so much a book, but one that asks you a lot of questions (as does the Dr, Phil "Self Matters" workbook.

 

Finally, I'd read most any and all of Lady Jane's post in the marriage, infidelity, divorce and separation sections of LS. She's got a really good handle on the emotional side of all of this, and can give you a lot of insight.

 

Keep posting.

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Wow...another amazing post from Gunny.

 

Yeah... if Gunny recommends something to read... read it. He has given me similar advice in the past... I tried it out.. with hesitation a first... but Damn!! it helps. It scrambles your present thought patterns.. and helps rewire you... Also can help to keep you sane... in what we all would consider an insane time.

 

The Carlos stuff is also a must... I got it... and I still listen to the CD's almost everyday... Now they are it seems gears to picking up women.. and get some... but the true core message... is find yourself.. be man... stay a man... be happy... as you. I have learned... that without this.. you will never be happy with anyone else... No self worth and love... means... doomed relationship.

 

I have over the past 12 months... transformed.. inside.. well... outside too... lost 25lbs.. and at the same time, bulked up on muscle and upper arm strength..

 

I have also truly learned who I am... and who I intend to stay. Its about balance... its about.. maintaining.. who you are. I finally after... well... my entire life, know... this is me... I like who I am...and love who I have become. I am not arrogant... but... walk with grace... because... I am happy with me.

 

This.. has gotten the attention of many people... men and ahhhhhummm women too. I actually get hit on.. on a daily basis... and that as far as I remember... has never happened before.... :laugh::D:p I'm just not on the market yet...:confused:

 

It also has gotten the attention of my DW... but at this point has not changed that situation.

 

T0 tie this all up...;) Educate yourself... as much as you can... get a game plan for your life... work on you... take care of you...and you will thank yourself down the road. You will be a much better person... and be in a much better place in your head.

 

ilmw

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She told me that my wife called her wondering if I was ok. Wife thought it was weird that I didnt call her today.. All well for that, as that didn't happen. I guess she expected to hear from me. What she can expect is the unexpected.

 

Right on - you da man! :cool: Keep it up!

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Morning All,

 

Thought I would post Day 2 this morning.

 

Day 2:

 

Woke up about 10am, got showered and dressed. About 2pm got another phone call from my counselor telling me that once again she received a phone call from my wife attempted to seek counseling thru here. She asked me if I had an problems, etc with her seeing the wife. Told her I'd have to process it and I'd get back to her later on. Called back about 20 min later told her I'd be okay with it. Left the house about 5pm to go pick up some friends from the AP. Picked up a book called You can keep the damn china, which is a compilation of help tools from other people like you and me regarding divorce. Grabbed them from the AP, went back to my place, hung out, went to bed at 4am.

 

Time spent checking in on her: 0.00hrs

Time spent on me: 24hrs

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I had to post this.

 

This morning several things have happened.

 

1. We play(ed) an online game together, and continued to do so (not since Tuesday) until this morning, she leaves our team. Odd. She didn't do it Tuesday night, wedneday night or last night.

 

2. I just got a phone call from the storage unit and they told me the W was just there and needs me to resign the contract as she's pulled her name off of it (which is fine by me)

 

The calls to the counselor which involve checking up on me, then #'s 1 and 2... WTF

 

Is she trying to get my attention or what here? She pulled #1 before, but previously took both of her characters out, now just one.

 

I am seriously fighting the want to go to speak to her, and it's getting to me. I either want to go in person, or call. I'm being eaten alive.

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Let It Go!

 

Yeah... I second that...let it go..

 

It will only make things worse... and will only.. be a short felt.. relief.. with long term repercussions..:eek:

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Say this over and over ~ "Its don't mean a f****** thing!!!!!!!"

 

She's going through her own personal withdrawal as well there guy. She's the other part of the addiction.

 

If the two of you got a chance in Hell, you've got to continue being strong, strong willed, strong minded.

 

You've got be the man here, and you've got to be strong. Read ilmw's thread again.

 

You're swimming in the Sea of Heartache and Heartbreak, grasping at those straws passing by isn't going to save your azz! :mad: You'd best be learning how to do the breast stroke, dog paddling or at least the dead man's float. You'd best be worrying about those sharks, and these waters are full of them ~ and its the ones you can't see that's going to get your azz!

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Day 3:

 

Woke up about 10am as friends are here from out of town. Got ready to go out about 1pm. Went to the storage unit, put everything in my name, and went out to lunch. After lunch, took friends over to tourist trap while I went for my 3rd visit to my counselor this week. The counselor was very upset w/ me for some reason in beginning of the session because the EX apparently spoke to her. After about 30 minutes of being put in my place, the session went decent, and I just need to stay within the boundries set forth by the EX. Which has been good for the past 3 days. Left her, picked up friends, went back the house and kicked up the BBQ. Spent all night talking about EX, which is good. I am finding out all of the flaws in her that I hated (I.E. Did not want anymore kids, but I do) Logged into the game we play(ed) together, saw her online, and I sent her a message to see if she wanted some items. She said yes, and I sent them to her. Asked her how she was, how her child was, and she said good. I appologized for my previous actions, said good evening, and logged off for the night.

 

In not so many words, the counselor told me that there was/is nothing going on w/ her and that guy I confronted. This makes me feel like a big f'in idiot, moreso now since it confirms that I acted w/out thinking, and having 100% proof.

 

Today, we're all going on a nature hike in Cape Hatteras. It should be a really fun day!

 

Talk to you all later on,

Tony

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