Can you tell me is this fair?

[Guest]

So ive been with a girl for 2.5 years. At first she was chasing after me (she was 17 I was 19 going 20), to the point when she jumped in my bed on the second date, and a lot of general promiscuity and lust involved. I had never met such a sexual girl before, and was reluctant at first but the sexual pleasure got the best of me and I ended up falling deeply in love with her.

 

This also brought a lot of insecurity into my life, as she had many guy friends some of whome i trusted and some of whom i didnt. But we resolved those issues, i brought her 'down to earth' and we seemed to be happy. I live alone since age 18 and she had the keys to my house. I drove her around everywhere so she wouldnt have to take the bus or metro, her college was close to my apartment.

 

I gradually started letting up my usual activities such as friends and gym/karate (im a black belt) just to spend more time with her. We spent every day together for 2 years.

 

There were a lot of fights, but I think thats very normal when your spending this much time with someone. Eventually, a disease got in the way of our sexual relationship from her side and it put the sex on hold. I was willing to work through this, but I saw it was bringing her down. She started distancing herself away from me. We took a trip to europe for 3 weeks for her to meet my parents, all was great and we had the time of our lives.

 

When we came back she started university, I started working and studying at the same time and we didnt spend so much time together.

All seemed fine until january of 07. After 2 weeks I got very sick, later diagnosed with anxiety disorder. We were planning a trip to Cuba together in february break, and I had to call it off because I was so scared that something might happen to me.

 

Basically what kept happening was that anywhere were I was, was it work, school or home or gym, suddenly out of nowhere I would get stabbing chest pains, heart starts racing cold sweat breaks out, your sick to your stomach and you basically feel like your going to die.

 

It was a very difficult time for me as I have no family here, no support from that side, and a lot of my friends had left/disappeared during those 2.5 years I was with her as I neglected them, and neglected my social life completely. It was during that time she distanced herself away from me. I didnt really see it, but now I do.

 

The attacks became so bad I had to quit one of my jobs (I had 2) and my mother had to come down from Europe to help me. My mother actually asked my gf at the time why wouldnt she help me, and she wrote back saying it would be best if my mother came down here.

 

2 weeks after my mother came my attacks gradually subsided, and all was well. My gf didnt want to spend time with me on the weekends thought and I was always asking her why she didnt have time, I worked all week and didnt have time to see her then. It was weekends when I could really spend time with her. I didnt understand since we were so close just a couple of months before.

 

2 weeks after my mother arrived we got into a really big argument because of that, and 3 days after she came to have lunch with me at work and said she wants a break. I begged/cried/pleeded but to no avail. Her mind was made up. I was devastated. Not only did I just go through something like those attacks (I was never a sick person before, I work out regularly train regularly in karate and am well taken care of physically) but now my girlfriend whome I loved sooo much and shared so many good memories with tells me she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now.

 

I basically felt like she left me when I was at my worst, when I needed her most. She didnt care.

This is not to say I wasnt an ******* to her sometimes. But sincerely I believe that in general I was very good to her.

I wanted to marry this girl. This is an important part of how I felt about her, and I am just 22.

 

2 days after she broke up with me I sent her a gigantic bouqet of flowers to work asking for a second chance. She said she wishes I had done this 2 weeks prior, and that people dont leave someone they love. Anytime whether I asked her if she loved me she would avoid saying no, but said things like you pushed my feelings away, and that people dont leave someone they love.

 

We met for a coffee the day after. She said her mind is made up and that I should move on. We parted with a hug and tears. I then went into an emotional tale spin. I would smoke 30 cigarettes a day and just lie on the couch thinking of what happened. I couldnt possibly imagine my life without her. The pain for the first 2 weeks was unbearable.

 

I had a hard time getting up to go to work, I work in an office as a IT junior and its the time i need to prove myself, and I had a very difficult time concentrating on my work. Lunch times would be the most difficult, as I would sit alone in the food court where my girlfriend dumped me.

 

We didnt do NC. I would call her and whenever she was bored at work or at home she would pick up. However when she would go out on the wekeend with her friends and Id call, she wouldnt . It would drive me crazy, and I would call 20 times, she wouldnt pick up even once. Later she would threaten me that she would change my number, and when Id ask her why she wouldnt pick up she says she doesnt need to explain herself to me anymore.

 

The end for me came this friday, when my mother left for europe the night before and I was very lonely, so I called she didnt pick up. She knew my mother had left and basically I had pretty much no body to talk to here except her. I called like crazy and wend down to her house waited outside for 3 hours until she got back home querter to 1 at night. She ended up screaming at me, and when I tried to kiss her I got a very hard smack across the face. I then left and didnt look back.

 

She called me after to apologize. But again she told me we are two different people. I told her I love everything about her, how could this be? I gave her 3 options, 1-tell me theres no chance and I wont talk to you again, ill cut all ties and go NC for good, 2-You dont know whether this or that you keep me hanging 3-Theres still hope we give each other some time and we'll give it a second chance at some point. She said definitly not 3, but somewhere between 1 and 2. She said that I should give her atleast a week of no calling and that she would call me ,which Im doing.

 

She IM'ed me yesterday before I was going to see my councelor. Saying how r u etc. 1 minute conversation and I kept it short.

Is this all fair? Im going through so much pain right now because of this. I have a hard time waking up everyday. Im a very good looking guy no trouble with the ladies, have a built body, black belt, job, own apartment, own car, why is this happening to me? I will never be able to love again after this, not like I loved her. Ill be too scared to give my emotions away like this.

 

Ive never been so burnt in my life, althought I went thought a lot of **** to get to where I am today. Ive accomplished so much uptil 22, much more then some at 30. I am like heaven and earth compared to her male peers. Sure I have anger management problems, but doesnt anyone have some faults?

 

Why is this happening to me? Why doesnt she love me anymore

[frd150]

Hey Guest,

 

Although i am not in a position to give advice on how to get her back ( i am still trying to figure it out myself) i will tell you this...

People here will advocate N/C and i am realizing more and more how much it effects my ex when i hold out and not talk to her for a few days. What i am saying is she needs to see what life is like without you and for you this will help you heal. She will never take you back if you are a mess. 30 Cigs??? Co'mon man it seems you would know better than that. I thought you were into the health thing. Here are the basics of what i have learned here on L/S

 

1. Never Never Beg for them back. This just pissed off my girl

2.do not ask for a second chance. In her mind you blew the first one it is too soon she needs to get over what she is feeling. If there is to be a second chance it will just happen on who's terms i do not know bbut do not force it. Give her space to think.

3.Actions speak louder than words. It is not enough to tell them you are better you need to prove it.

3. Better yourself somehow. Even though you havve got it all together there still must be something you can improve. I thought i had it all together but in the past few weeks i discovered otherwise.

4.It will get better and soon you will think clearer. Clearity is helping me understand what is going on. Will it help me get her back I Dunno but

if not i will have learned how not to let this happen again.

 

5. Do not let work suffer!! I started to and i went from being at the top of my company to somewhere in the middle. Use your work as a deversion. Stay busy.

 

6. Re connect with friends i have and it is helping little by little.

 

This is just some of whati i have learned here and i have put most into practice. If my girl comes back she will be coming back to a better person a person ready to make her happy. If not then i will have to go on and down the road there will be someone else to benift from what i have learned.

 

 

As far as the anxiety, it will pass. I was like you at the begining. I thought i was going to die but it does get better. My pain was exactly like yours. I still fell it sometimes but it passes faster than before.

 

Belive me bro the weekends scare me still. She almost does the same as your girl. I get scared , i wonder, but then the call comes. She has been spending most weekends with her family at their vacation home. Cell reception is not the greatest i know first hand. Point is as hard as it is you need to keep the scary thoughts out of your head they can kill you i know.

 

I Hope this helps a little. I still search for answers daily here and else where but i am defintly in a better place than i was a couple of weeks ago.

 

Keep posting, it helps. There are alot of good people here.

[Guest]

Thanks for the reply man. This situation is not getting better.

Our communication lines are still open. I dont know if thats a good or bad thing at all. Everyone is telling me to cut contact with her. Everyone is saying she acted like a skank to let me hang when I was sick as hell. Somehow thought I keep thinking keeping the communication open will let her change her mind? I dont know. I dont want to loose her, and am afraid that if I go NC then I will loose her forever.

 

Man I feel I have lost my balls somewhere down this relationship road.

We met up for coffee later at night yesterday. Ended up talking for 2hrs about how she is 'scared' of me and how she is happier now without me. She then asks me why Im not happy also? She didnt look her best at all. The way she was talking to me in the coffee shop was embarassing and people were looking at me like 'why are u taking this bs?'. Its as if even when she sees me she has no respect left for me whatsoever.

I mentioned us getting back together for sex, she said shes not into that right now and she knows I need it more then her. Shes the one that jumped into my bed first on the 2nd date! This is crazy.

Weekends are the worst. Especially saturday nights, when Im stuck alone at home watching tv and I know shes out clubbing till late at night. I already know not to call cause she will just ignore them.

I feel im reaching some breaking point, mentally with her. I am at a point where I just want to get so mad that I will start hating her. She doesnt recognize anything good that I did for her in the conversations, and just mentions everything I supposedly ****ed up. NOTHING GOOD. NOTHING. Shes like 'sure this was good BUT BUT BUT'.

Oh man.. i dont know how long I will keep cutting my nutts off and handing them to her on a silver plate. Im so fed up of this.