Did he mean it when he said he loved me?

[alasia]

Hi, some of you might know my story from the past few months...if not, just do a search on my username and about fifty million threads asking pretty much the same questions will pop up!

 

Well here's another one; about 6 weeks ago my ex said he wanted to get back together and still had feelings for me. We'd been getting on really well, but that night I totally over reacted to something he'd done and started screaming at him. My ex hates conflict, so this caused him to shut down completely and start saying he'd changed his mind about trying again and regretted ever saying it. For the next 3 weeks he wouldnt give me a 'real' reason for not wanting to try again (I thought there had to be something more than just that argument) and would only say he had to think long term and I'm not in it, he didn't have any feelings for me anymore, etc.

 

For 4 weeks after that I was staying at his house while I found alternative accomodation and we were fairly up and down; getting on ok but everytime we had an argument, he'd say he wanted me out, I'd never leave etc. A couple of hours later, he'd be ok again and if I offered to leave he'd say he didn't mind me staying, as he loved it when we got on.

Then...2 weeks ago we had a really great week, where we were doing everything couples do. He was even more 'into' the baby than usual (I'm 5 months pregnant) and was always rubbing my tummy, talking to the baby, saying he wanted to bond with "the mum and the baby", helping choose names and everything. He kept kissing me on the forehead, cheek and nose (cute little affectionate pecks) and one day I asked why he kept doing it. He said "because I love you" which shocked me. Didnt know whether he meant 'love' love, or as friends so I turned away from him (we were cuddled up on the sofa at the time). He asked if he'd said the wrong thing and I didn't answer.

He went out for a few drinks a little later on, straight after work; and I went to find him in the evening to ask if he wanted anything from the shop (as I was going anyway). He asked me to stay for a drink so I had a couple of Cokes with him - and it was great. I haven't been able to be seen 'in public' with him for months as everyone he knows hates me (or so I thought) - but he was being really touchy feely, people were talking to me and it was like we were a couple again.

On the way home, my ex said "you know, (my friend) thought we'd get back together eventually". I said we haven't and weren't going to, and he replied "we will". Kind of sounded like he thought he'd snap his fingers and I'd come running, but hey.

 

That was the Monday; on Tuesday we were still getting on really well, and at one point he offered to buy me something and I refused, saying exes werent meant to buy stuff for each other!

My ex said "ex? I was hoping I'd be your future boyfriend" but I stuck to calling him my ex.

 

That evening when he came home from work, he wanted to stay downstairs for a few hours (he gets home at quarter to one in the morning) and I thought he'd sleep down there all night, so I started a stupid row over it. He came upstairs eventually but I wouldn't let him cuddle up, and the next morning he was very cold with me. I tried to make up with him but he wouldn't accept it - then all he's said since is it's over, I should accept that and he regrets saying he wanted to try again.

 

I can't understand how he can gain and lose feelings so quickly...surely if he wanted to try again then he would have wanted to get over that silly row and not use it as the excuse for changing his mind (as he's doing now).

 

I'm not obsessing about it, but knowing why he changed his mind so suddenly would be nice...could it be because he felt sorry for me over having nowhere to stay - and confused those 'pity' feelings for love, or was he messing me around? I find it hard to believe he genuinely wanted to try again...

[alasia]

PS - to Lorr/anyone else that's read my previous threads, all my other problems have been sorted and I now also have somewhere to live, so don't worry

[Guest]

"Does he love me" is not the pertinent question here. The one you need to be asking is, "Why am I with someone who has such little sense of honor or obligation that he'd even dare to be wishy-washy towards someone who is 5 months pregnant with his child?" His on-again, off-again style is not healthy for you, and certainly won't be healthy for or fair to your child.

 

You need either to demand that he fulfill certain fatherly obligations regardless of whether he becomes your boyfriend or not, or you need to kick him to the curb and find your child a parent who actually is mature enough to partner with you in taking care of you and your baby.

 

It's time for you to start making some demands on this guy. If he bails, then good riddance--don't take him back.

[lorr]

Hey Alasia...

 

I was wondering whether you've been ok:). Its good to know that you've sorted out accommodation for yourself. In regards to the relationship that you've got going on with Phil, well you know my answers pretty much the same.

 

With the issues that happened to you in the past, have you looked into seeing a counsellor yet?

[alasia]

I did have a few weeks of counselling which actually helped - despite the fact I'd only been a few times. At the moment I feel much more sorted and am much more focused on the baby and providing for him.

I have a nice little place with 3 bedrooms that's right in the middle of Cannock Chase - which is a pretty woodland area great for walks - oh and I had my 20 week scan on Monday and found out Bubs is a boy!

So a name is all sorted too

 

But I'm still stuck on the Phil thing - it's not that I can't get over him; in fact, this most recent time he said he wanted to try and work things out, it was me that said it wouldn't work. I just couldn't imagine living with him AND a baby - it'd be like having two kids and with his working hours, I can't see how he'd ever see the baby...

 

It would just be nice to know why, in the space of about five weeks he said he wanted to try again, loved me etc and then changed his mind so suddenly and then switched straight to never wanting to see me again!

I've never met anyone like him, so this is all new to me; I'm used to dealing with people that are straight with their feelings.

 

As for Phil being wishy washy towards the baby; it's frustrating because he's shown some potential - only tiny things like helping choose a name, stroking my tummy and talking to the baby, asking to come to the scan and birth - and about a week ago the baby was kicking and he said "aww...kicking for mummy and daddy?". It seemed sweet at the time but then, they're only words.

He hasn't actually shown any real commitment, so I think it's time to give up on the idea of him being a father to this baby.

[LucreziaBorgia]

he wanted to stay downstairs for a few hours (he gets home at quarter to one in the morning) and I thought he'd sleep down there all night, so I started a stupid row over it. He came upstairs eventually but I wouldn't let him cuddle up

 

Did he mean it when he said he loved you? I'm sure he did, but its easy to say "I love you" to someone when things are going good. Going back to an ex is a tricky situation. It is such a fragile time - you have to put aside what made you want to be an 'ex' in the first place and work on rebuilding new ground. Stuff like this probably reminded him of why he was your ex in the first place, and he backed off not wanting to go back to something he was able to get himself out of in the first place.

[CaliGuy]

Did he mean it when he said he loved you? I'm sure he did, but its easy to say "I love you" to someone when things are going good. Going back to an ex is a tricky situation. It is such a fragile time - you have to put aside what made you want to be an 'ex' in the first place and work on rebuilding new ground. Stuff like this probably reminded him of why he was your ex in the first place, and he backed off not wanting to go back to something he was able to get himself out of in the first place.

 

 

Yep, when you go back to an ex you can't pick up where you left off. You have to start all over from scratch and bury the past.

[lorr]

Aaawww a baby boy, that is fantastic news.

 

Alasia its also great news about the counselling, but a few weeks is not enough.I agree with guest about Phil's on-again off-again attitude towards you, it is mentally draining and you need to be with someone who is capable of loving you the way you deserve.

Although the relationship is destructive, I truly believe its a only a matter of time when YOU finally get sick to the back teeth of Phil's head games.

 

[alasia]

Stuff like this probably reminded him of why he was your ex in the first place, and he backed off not wanting to go back to something he was able to get himself out of in the first place

 

Makes sense...most of the silly arguments we had were about me causing a fuss about sleeping arrangements - sometimes he wanted to sleep on the sofa (or just stay downstairs for a few hours after work) and I'd always have a go at him over it. It's so pathetic but I couldn't help it...and both times he's said he wanted to get back together over the past month, I've caused the same arguments over sleeping arrangements and he's backed off.

 

In my naive little rose-tinted mind though, if you truly have feelings for someone you don't just 'lose' your feelings over something as insignificant as that.

 

The annoying thing is, this past month we both made efforts to make things better - even something as small as one time when we argued one morning over something the cat had done the previous night (long, silly story!), I was in a mood and thought Phil was too. He went to the shop and came back with an 8-pack of Cadburys Creme Eggs and gave them to me (knowing I love them and was having cravings for them at the time!). He gave them to me saying "just to show you I'm not in a mood".

It sounds silly but it showed he was capable of thinking about me once in a while - previously he'd never shown any signs of thinking about anyone but himself.

 

I really thought we could have worked this time...but then again, he's still very overly-attached to his mother and if he was so willing to bail after one petty argument, maybe I'm deluding myself that we could have worked

 

Just one question though; any chance he could get those feelings back again? I know it's hard to generalise but please try

[LucreziaBorgia]

if you truly have feelings for someone you don't just 'lose' your feelings over something as insignificant as that.

 

I'm sure it isn't the idea of sleeping arrangements that he is avoiding - its the general nature of the arguing in general. You could have been arguing about anything, really - its the fact that you are arguing at all that gets to him I'm sure.

 

I don't think his feelings for you have left necessarily, but sometimes when it comes down to getting back with the ex you weigh your feelings against what you are willing to put up with in order to indulge those feelings in a relationship. Sometimes, it just isn't worth it despite how you feel about the ex.

[alasia]

Oh yeah, that's what I meant when I said it was something insignificant; the argument, not the reasons for it.

 

I just mean the way I work, is if I care about someone (a boyfriend, friend or whatever) and we argue, I don't automatically go "that's it, I don't want to see/speak to this person ever again". I'd try and apologise for the argument if it was my fault, get an apology if it I wasn't to blame, and try and work through the argument and make up.

 

I thought most people were like that - but then again, me and Phil have had a LOT of arguments, all caused by the same thing (sleeping arrangements and me starting an argument at 1am when he gets in from work) - so I suppose there's only so much he can take.

 

It's just since we split up we've been through so much - Ive done a heck of a lot to hurt him; I've thrown his keys and phone into the road, breaking his phone, lost his leather jacket and pet rats (both unintentionally), broken one of his kitchen windows, lost his house keys and caused a lot of hassle with his family by randomly turning up at his house - or if he'd let me stay over without his family knowing (they hate me, understandably), we'd get into an argument and then they'd find out I was at the house - which then got Phil in trouble with them.

 

Putting it simply, I was a nightmare and to be honest, a bit of a bunny boiler. I lost all sense of perspective and reason yet despite all this, he still 'apparently' developed feelings for me again and twice said he wanted to give things another go.

So I kind of started to think he must either actually love me or at least have strong feelings for me to still consider trying again when most people probably would have walked away for good.

The other side of me though, was thinking maybe he only developed those feelings because I was living with him at the time. I'd been there for 4 weeks straight while I found somewhere else to live, so maybe he thought he might as well get something out of me while I was there - or maybe the feelings he thought I had weren't romantic ones, they were more out of pity?

 

What do you think?

[alasia]

Oh I forgot to add - his mother got me arrested last Saturday (I'd stayed the night at his house, he didn't tell her then when she found out he wouldn't admit he'd let me stay there...he said I'd got in and refused to leave. Cue: 20 hours in a police cell and a harrassment order saying I shouldn't contact him. I'm not 'banned' from seeing him, but it means if he feels he's being harassed, he can call the police and I'll be arrested and probably charged for harassment).

 

Now, I know common sense says he was an idiot for not admitting to his mother that he'd let me stay the night - he let me get arrested and then provided a 7 page statement detailing everything I'd done wrong in the relationship (neglecting to mention his faults, of which there were many) - so why the hell should I want to go near him ever again?!

 

But the truth is I do.

 

Believe it or not things had been changing for the better prior to this latest 'blip', and I really think we could have worked if we'd tried again. I miss him - miss talking to him about random c**p more than anything - and at the very least, I'd like to get back on speaking terms with him again.

 

But I'm not sure if that's possible, or how to go about it.

 

It's only been 3 days since I last saw him and I almost decided to go and see him tonight (but I know that wouldn't help matters, so I talked myself out of it), but how long should I leave it before I try edging the door open again...would a week or so of NC be enough?

[lorr]

Oh shhhhhhiiiiiittttttt!!!

 

Alasia I did tell you in a previous post that one day the police would slap you with a restraining order and its actually happened.

 

For your sake stay away from Phil. All he has to do now, is call the police anytime he feels that your pissing him off. The last thing you want happening is bringing up the baby in a special unit in HMP Holloway Prison.

 

Please just focus on getting through the pregnancy and leave Phil well alone.

[CaliGuy]

What part of "obsessed" do you not get? Now you've gone and gotten yourself arrested? And if he really cared about you, he would have stood up to his own mom.

 

Instead, he let you take the fall.

 

Ummm, you don't think you deserve better? You don't think there's a man out there that will treat you right? You must not if you will go to jail for someone who obviously does not care about you.

[alasia]

I know, you're right.

 

Trouble is, I'm too quick to believe him when he says he cares - despite the fact he's treated me like crap for ages and ages, as soon as he says he loves me or whatever I'm back to believing we could work out. It's pathetic really.

 

I was thinking it over last night - and I spoke about it with a friend of mine as well - and I realised I don't love him. Ok I have some feelings and I'm still atttracted to him, but the thing that bothers me the most is what people around him think of me.

 

I think I've been saying that all along; it gets to me that his work, family, friends etc think I've been stalking him - which to some extent I was for a while; but then he's never said "leave me alone" (until now, anyway).

He always 'encouraged' me to continue talking to him, by chatting with me, flirting, asking me to stay over at his place etc. Stupidly I went for it, not realising he was so spineless that he wasn't telling his family I was staying there with his permission.

 

I also feel stupid that I got sucked in like the other three 'mothers of his children', and believed that he'd actually follow through with this one and be a decent father.

 

It's those kinds of things that bother me, not how he actually feels about me. If he hated me but wasn't slagging me off to his family and friends I don't think I'd mind so much.

 

I think it's also that he made the decision to split up. Normally I do the dumping and if I'd made the decision to split with Phil, I think I'd feel much better about it.

 

And you know what annoyed me the most?

 

Even the police officer that took Phil's statement said to me "to be fair, your ex seems like a lovely bloke".

That's after she found out about his violence towards me and she also knew he had 'previous' for assault in 1982 and '85!

He charms the pants off everyone he meets and I have no idea how...

[alasia]

*prepares to be flamed...*

 

I stayed at Phil's last night and Sunday night.

We have slept together once but I'm not going there again - it's empty sex and isn't doing me any good - and yesterday his mum sent him a text saying she'd seen me in his street, he'd played a good joke on her but it was the last one and he had to find somewhere else to park his car from now on (atm he uses her parking space). She also put all the clothes he keeps at her place in his car for him to collect.

 

Just before that text came through, Phil had been out drinking with friends after work. He got in, I said hi and went to make a drink for myself, then Phil randomly came out with "I hate it when you call me a d**k, it hurts loads". I sometimes call him names like that if we're arguing...didn't know what to say except sorry, then after what seemed like ages of him sitting in silence he said "I love you more than anything....". I interrupted and told him to stop right there; I didn't need to hear him saying things like that (whether he meant he loved me as a friend or anything more) because it wouldn't help me, plus I knew there'd be a 'but' anyway.

He asked me to let him say his piece and get his feelings oout in the open for a change, but I refused and went upstairs.

I came down a few minutes later curious as to what he'd wanted to say, and he just said "you know I care about you loads and loads...but I don't want to be with you".

I told him I knew that, to which he replied "but you don't" (I said I really do!) then said "it's always in the back of your mind".

 

I'm confused as to why he said that, because I haven't mentioned feelings, getting back together or any relationship-type stuff in over a week; so there was really no reason for him to mention it now.

 

I know part of the reason he said it was because of the drink (he wasn't totally drunk but he was tipsy), but anyone got any clues as to another reason he might have said it?

 

I want to ask him why that particular topic was floating around in his head yesterday, but I don't want to rock the boat - especially it was just after he'd said that, that his mother sent that text - which by the way, he took pretty well. He's upset, but he hasn't blamed me or kicked me out, which is the first thing I thought he'd do....

 

Any thoughts?

[lorr]

Its absolutely frighteneing after the whole incident last week, you still have not learnt anything from this. There has been no effort on your part to distance yourself from Phil whatsoever.

The only way you will learn from this situation is when Phil decides that you are getting on his last nerve, gets the police involved and the courts decide to put you in prison for a few months/years, and its VERY likely it will happen. Come on Alasia you know the courts take stalking/harrassment issues very seriously in England and will not tolerate such behaviour.

 

You have a choice Alasia, you can either make the effort, accept that you need to focus on yourself and seek further counselling. Or you can continue living your life by pestering Phil with your many visits, meaningless sex, and his empty promises.

 

I wish that you would accept that Phil doesn't want you anymore, and is only having you around because he sees that you will put up with anything. He tells you sweet nothings because he knows that when he does you are quick to lay on your back for him.