Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 My husband cheated on me and inspite of all my suggestions to break up with this woman he didnt. Well I started having an affair too because i could not stand the rejection anymore, We still love each other we just let other people in somehow. My husband slept in this womans house last week and althouh I was cheating as well it just hurt and hurt maybe because I would never have cheated if he hadnt. Well I told him I wanted a divorce and he kind of woke up to the reality and brokr it off with the woman. I am finding it hard to break it up with my lover although I dont really love him. He has been a great friend but whins all the time about losing me and all that. Most of the time he just emotionally blackmails me and I change my mind about breaking up. I need to do this if my marriage is going to survive. Please give me some advice on how to get rid of him. I know what I am did was wrong, I just dragged a third persons feelings into my marital problems and most people would slug me off but Please be gentle. Link to post Share on other sites
woodyman Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Most of the time he just emotionally blackmails me and I change my mind about breaking up. I am only 20 but understand this to be one of the worst forms of manipulation there is... I am not gonna lay into you like you suggest would happen, but now, in theory, the whole scenario is changed. It is you that is having this affair, he is the one at home, and this other guy is trying to stop you from breaking off. Your husband might have been a tit for doing this, but if you still feel at least that special something for him, don't listen to this 'extra'...it IS for the sake of your marriage that you kick the other guy into touch and move on with your life as best as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Have you thought of telling your husband what YOU have started too? That's one way to KILL an affair! Yes he will be angry, well, so are you. AND? What is the excuse for not telling your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Time to sew what you've reaped... It's easy. Simply say good bye to the other man, come home and fess up. Your cards will fall where they may. You'll probably end up with your wish for a divorce. I have no sympathy for your plight. Both of you have major issues and act like teenagers. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Time to sew what you've reaped... It's easy. Simply say good bye to the other man, come home and fess up. Your cards will fall where they may. You'll probably end up with your wish for a divorce. I have no sympathy for your plight. Both of you have major issues and act like teenagers. I'm very careful about throwing stones from my glass house. And by that I don't mean that I have done anything wrong, but that I recognize I am human and have the potential to be weak just like anyone else no matter how strong I am today. "It will never happen to me.", and, "I'm better than everyone else.", are invitations to being fed a big slice of humble pie. Link to post Share on other sites
woodyman Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Not a lot more can be said other than what TrialbyFire has...hard to hear when its aimed at you, but you must agree is pretty founded. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 If you understand what's going on, maybe it the whole thing will lose its allure, or at least you will find another way to be. What's happening is called "triangulation." That means that you are bringing a third person into your relationship because you feel powerless. Doing what you are doing increases your "power" in the relationship. You feel you have a "back up" or someone else to go to. The only thing to do is to tell your husband right away. Increase the "power" you have with him by doing this. Decrease the "power" of the other man by bringing the affair out into the light. Dark secrets increase power. By telling your husband, you two can negotiate your new relationship together. Make the rules together. First, Cut off all contact with the other man/woman. In fact, it's best to make this phone call in front of your spouse. When you panic and feel the pull toward the other man, call your husband and tell him. Have him do the same to you. Emotionally replace the other man with your spouse. Your spouse is now the person you ALWAYS go to get your emotional needs met (comfort.) Tell each other if the other man/woman tries to make contact. Hide nothing. Expose everything. Work through the expected withdrawl together. If you still love each other and want to make it work, you can. But no more triangulation. "Lock the doors" on your relationship so no one can break in (as another poster once put it.) If you come clean, and your husband wants a divorce, then that outcome will be okay, too, in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted April 18, 2007 Share Posted April 18, 2007 Sorry for the double post. Just want to add that to avoid future "triangulation," you can recognize that the intent to increase your power was a good one. But your behavior was wrong. The right way to equalize power is to do so by making healthy choices. For instance, asking your husband to cut off all contact with the other woman. That was good. When he didn't do it, then instead of having an affair, you could have chosen to leave the marriage. Don't know if that helps, just wanted to add more food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
been7077 Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 The worst thing you can do is to keep going back to the other guy. My ex was involved with another man, and kept breaking it off with him and coming back. She did this to me for a year and a half. We were together 16 years until she took up with this man, who would stalk and call her and wimper on the phone until she came back, leaving me in a lurch each time. The last time was the last time. I finally did the hardest thing in my life, and told her to stay out of my life for good. She said she "needed" me. What for, I asked? Backup? An emotional life boat? If you have any feelings for your husband as a person don't bounce back and forth. Either tell him to take a hike and say with the whiny lover, or dump the winer. Link to post Share on other sites
lei66 Posted April 21, 2007 Share Posted April 21, 2007 Time to sew what you've reaped... It's easy. Simply say good bye to the other man, come home and fess up. Your cards will fall where they may. You'll probably end up with your wish for a divorce. I have no sympathy for your plight. Both of you have major issues and act like teenagers.This is true....You knew 2 wrongs weren't going to fix your marriage....Most of the time he just emotionally blackmails me and I change my mind about breaking up. I need to do this if my marriage is going to survive. Please give me some advice on how to get rid of him. I know what I am did was wrong, I just dragged a third persons feelings into my marital problems and most people would slug me off but Please be gentle.I don't understand really how he emotionally blackmails you....If you want it to end just end it....Tell him its over... Pretty simple... Link to post Share on other sites
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