My wife is still in love with her first love

[grapeape]

my wife and I have been married for 9 years and have 2 kids. Things were great/normal until about the last 3 months. Our connection that we once have is shaky and our sex life is non-existent for the most part. When we do have sex she rarely is into it. Believe me too, I am a very giving lover so it's not because I am just getting mine, so to speak. It's like she's asexual. She was never like that when we first met.

 

She has recently gotten in touch via email with an "old friend" who is a guy that she was friends with in high school. He lives on the other side of the country, FYI. She told me about it which was good but the problem is that she didn't tell me the whole story. I didn't realize what was going on until I discovered on the computer some information and it all came together. Her and this guy apparently were really close 16+ years ago. In fact, they were each other's first love. She denies it still to this day but of course I know better. Yesterday I saw on the computer that she is looking up things on the internet such as "can you ever get over you first love ?". I am deeply hurt by this. I try and be reasonable and see her side but I am still very saddened by this. I am what I would call a model husband and father. I'm not perfect by any stretch but I hit the major areas. I tell my wife all the time how beautiful she is, that I love her and I am very understanding of how difficult it is for her to be a stay-at-home parent. I'm not lazy or abusive in any way. I am a very involved parent, constantly helping out with the chores of raising kids whenever I am home, which is most of the time. I think I am at least an average looking guy and I have a very good personality. So what gives ? I just can't understand for the life of me why all of a sudden after all these years I feel like I have to measure up to some other dude in her past. I feel like I have done more than my share to deserve her undying love and I feel cheated on. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head. I don't want our marriage to end but at the same time, I can't pretend that there isn't a problem. I am afraid to bring it up to her b/c she is the emotional type and also the quitter type so I am afraid that instead of a dialogue, it will result in her storming off. I am trying to think of our kids and the impact of a divorce on them so I don't want to just flush 9 years away. I love my wife but I don't think I am getting my due share from her in this relationship and I have every reason to believe that it is directly coming from this nostalgic trip down memory lane that she has recently taken. I think she is very naive in thinking that her "love" with this guy in high school somehow trumps the life and love that her and I have now. Obviously, marriage with kids is tough and it requires patience, dedication and an understanding of the bigger picture. My wife has none of these things. Someone please give me some advice on what I should do ?

[FireandIce]

I'd have to mention it to her. Obviously she feels something is lacking and that's why she's searching out what feels comfortable-- the old boyfriend.

[polywog]

My guess is that she is being nostalgic and "grass is greener". It's easy to be in a long marriage and suddenly pine after some idealized love. You need to sit down together and talk non-confrontationally. Maybe with a marriage counsellor, since it sounds like it is difficult to do on your own. It's not worth throwing away a marriage over this.

[whichwayisup]

You've done nothing wrong. Believe that...This is her crap from her past, and she needs to make the choice to let go of her first love and end all contact with him.

 

Encourage her to go to counselling and sort this out. Let her know how it makes you feel, knowing that she still holds affection and love for a man from so long ago. MAKE her see that what she is doing can only do damage, not only to you, your kids but to HER. She needs to let go of this and let her ex live his life.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I am in a committed relationship. I would not cheat. With that said, a large part of my heart, and my soul, belongs to an ex of mine. I love him, and think I always will. I have tried and tried to "get over him" to "let go", with no luck. At times, I felt so guilty, feeling this much love for someone else, other than my SO. Finally, I accepted the fact that this is just how it is. I occasionally look him up (online, he too lives on the other side of the country), I also read things about letting go, and getting over love. But I don't contact him. Won't contact him. To me, that would cross the line of what is cheating, IMO.

 

If your W is still feeling love, it isn't something she can help. As long as she isn't doing something to betray her vows, or actively pursuing him, I don't see this as a deal breaker for your marriage. As someone else mentioned, possibly, it is simply a case of nostalgia, and the "grass being greener". A trip down memory lane, so to speak.

 

Since this obviously bothers you, and with good reason, I would talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel, what your concerns are, etc.

[polywog]

I just want to mention that my first love, who I broke up with, never got over me... after years. His poor wife, who is a woman I grew up with, had to suffer through this. I know because she is the best friend of my sister. When I went through my divorce years ago he called me up unexpectedly! I was appalled. I was just a kid when he went out with me, and clearly he held on to some ideal. Not fair to his wife who is a great person and a wonderful mother to his kids. I think that he was just using it as some lame excuse to distance himself from his marriage, not fair.

[grapeape]

I am in a committed relationship. I would not cheat. With that said, a large part of my heart, and my soul, belongs to an ex of mine. I love him, and think I always will. I have tried and tried to "get over him" to "let go", with no luck. At times, I felt so guilty, feeling this much love for someone else, other than my SO. Finally, I accepted the fact that this is just how it is. I occasionally look him up (online, he too lives on the other side of the country), I also read things about letting go, and getting over love. But I don't contact him. Won't contact him. To me, that would cross the line of what is cheating, IMO.

 

If your W is still feeling love, it isn't something she can help. As long as she isn't doing something to betray her vows, or actively pursuing him, I don't see this as a deal breaker for your marriage. As someone else mentioned, possibly, it is simply a case of nostalgia, and the "grass being greener". A trip down memory lane, so to speak.

 

Since this obviously bothers you, and with good reason, I would talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel, what your concerns are, etc.

I appreciate the advice from everyone but your perspecitve is interesting considering that you have a similar thing going on as my wife. Because my wife sometimes leaves email up on the PC (not too brilliant IMO if you are having an emotional affair) I saw an email from this guy so I clicked on it. BTW, I don't make a habit of snooping on my wife but I think lately she has given me good reason to. Anyway, the email threads were not indicative of any plot to run away together or anything. Just lots of "good memories, etc." In this guy's defense he seems to be the not-so-naive one in understanding that she is MARRIED and needs to focus on that. FYI, he has a steady girlfriend. (some back story) Back in early March we got into a big fight where she plainly stated that she wanted a divorce. Her main issue was that we had lost that flame that we once had together. As much as I have tried to convince her that we can get that flame back you have to understand that my wife is the quitting type. She sets her expectations high and often fails to meet them. When she does she often gets irrational. A few days later she wants to try and start over. Things were better for a while but she still seems to not have her head in the right place. It obviously is a case where she just can't let go of this "perfect" relationship that she had with this dude. It's amazing how perfect a relationship can be when kids, a mortgage payment, bills and other life hassles aren't involved :>)

 

She evidentally is trying to get over him and she even gave me a thinking of you card the other day. I know on the surface it seems like I should just get over it and maybe that is some of it but I just keep feeling like I shouldn't have to compete for her love at this point. I have always been there for her and am totally committed in our relationship. I also have indicated to her that I am ready and willing to do my part to improve things. This whole thing really took me by surprise and I am having a real hard time with it. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie and see if eventually she will come back around? Remember she doesn't realize that I know all of this information. She still claims that they were "just good friends". I am worried that bringing it up and discussing it will create more awkwardness and tension from her.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

 

She evidentally is trying to get over him and she even gave me a thinking of you card the other day. I know on the surface it seems like I should just get over it and maybe that is some of it but I just keep feeling like I shouldn't have to compete for her love at this point. I have always been there for her and am totally committed in our relationship. I also have indicated to her that I am ready and willing to do my part to improve things. This whole thing really took me by surprise and I am having a real hard time with it. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie and see if eventually she will come back around? Remember she doesn't realize that I know all of this information. She still claims that they were "just good friends". I am worried that bringing it up and discussing it will create more awkwardness and tension from her.

 

You shouldn't have to compete for her love, I agree. But let me ask, is this really a competition? In my case, it most definitly isn't. I love my SO, and would not cheat on him, there is no "competition" going on, where he feels he has to preform well to "win" me ~ he already has me.

 

I'm sorry you found this out, and it hurts you. In my case, my SO knew what was what going into this R. He was one of my best friends for about 2 yrs before, so he knew that a large part of me was gone. He told me that he wanted "whatever I have left to give". I made it clear that I still loved my ex, and made it clear that I would never take him back, and would do everything I could to "get over" him. Though our circumstances are a bit different ~ your W, in a way, made that clear when she agreed to marry you.

 

Trying to put myself in those shoes, with things a bit different, I would think that letting sleeping dogs lie (at least for now), might be the way to go. Unless she truly gives you reason to believe this old flame is a serious threat to your marriage, allow her to deal with it as best she can alone. As I said, my SO knew this going in, but it is not something we discuss now, and it would make me very uncomfortable to do so. I don't WANT to still love the ex, but I can't just shut my feelings off like a facet either. What I did, was take steps to ensure he will not be in contact with me, nor I with him, and I try to move on as best I can.

 

If I were you, I would concentrate on "getting the spark back" as you mentioned. Make changes in yourself, if needed. Encourage her to make changes, if needed. Show her that you love her, and cherish her. Work on your M as if you didn't know about this old flame.