she wants to try again...

[thatmatt]

Had an interesting talk with my ex last night. Basically, we were together for a year and a half, things went downhill fast, I've been NC for about 2 months, of the 4 we've been apart, only answering emails to her once. Until last night. She called and basically apologized for everything she had done wrong and how she had hurt me, things I didn't know if she would ever recognize. She told me she misses me like crazy, and still cries everyday. I thanked her for all this, and told her I appreciated her honesty and trust in me to tell me these things.

 

So heres the second half. She told me that there was nothing she wouldn't do to be with me. This stopped me in the headlights. We are both in college, she's in california and I'm going to New York next year, she talked about moving back home, giving up everything she's spent the last year establishing, and she would do anything to make me happy.

 

My gut tells me it won't work, that it's best for her to stay where she's at and if we are meant to be together then we will, because everything is just too much. But I'm still confused as hell, because of all the things she said, I would have never thought she would say them. I guess I really just need to write this down, so thank you for listening.

[me1234]

Just wondering...who did the breaking up? You or her?

[Icantletgo]

More importantly, do you trust her. WHY did you guys break up?

[bendit]

go back and print out your very first post you made here and read it over and over. my feeling is you are really really young and you Escaped. You have your entire life before you and you are moving away. What you are feeling now is Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG. You owe here nothing. Your inclination is to save her to rescue her. But her problems are of her own creation. My advice: Move on. Cut contact with her. It was a learning experience for you that is now over. Good luck and reread your first post.

 

regards

[mrmaximum]

go back and print out your very first post you made here and read it over and over. my feeling is you are really really young and you Escaped. You have your entire life before you and you are moving away. What you are feeling now is Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG. You owe here nothing. Your inclination is to save her to rescue her. But her problems are of her own creation. My advice: Move on. Cut contact with her. It was a learning experience for you that is now over. Good luck and reread your first post.

 

regards

 

You may end up seeing that this is just an extenstion of her pattern. You've ended it, it may not be a good idea to go back.

[thatmatt]

thanks for all the responses! I had pretty much declared this post sunk, but you guys brought it back to life. I had a talk with her about a week ago, told her I was going to New York, told her I didn't think a relationship would work, etc. bendit, although I just read your advice, I did something similar. I went back over the past year, and saw so many patterns and things that I didn't see then, things that now I can protect myself against. There was definitly a lot of guilt there, and obligation, and fear. All of those were brought on because she got emotional, but I couldn't help but feel she was trying to get me to say yes because I felt like ****, which was the case of many things in our relationship.

 

me1234, I'm the one who ended it. I was entering depression, and the relationship was one of the big causes of it, and after putting the relationship first for a year and a half, I had to do what was best for me.

 

thanks for your replys. starting NC again, one week and going strong!

[CaliGuy]

Had an interesting talk with my ex last night. Basically, we were together for a year and a half, things went downhill fast, I've been NC for about 2 months, of the 4 we've been apart, only answering emails to her once. Until last night. She called and basically apologized for everything she had done wrong and how she had hurt me, things I didn't know if she would ever recognize. She told me she misses me like crazy, and still cries everyday. I thanked her for all this, and told her I appreciated her honesty and trust in me to tell me these things.

 

So heres the second half. She told me that there was nothing she wouldn't do to be with me. This stopped me in the headlights. We are both in college, she's in california and I'm going to New York next year, she talked about moving back home, giving up everything she's spent the last year establishing, and she would do anything to make me happy.

 

This is why I constantly preach "Neither hell nor high water will stop someone, not even NC, when they REALLY want to be with you."

 

This is why you should not break NC. This is a textbook example of why going NC and working on yourself is the right thing to do.

 

My gut tells me it won't work, that it's best for her to stay where she's at and if we are meant to be together then we will, because everything is just too much.

 

My friend, good job. You really did focus on you during NC and healed. That is great. Good going!

 

But I'm still confused as hell, because of all the things she said, I would have never thought she would say them. I guess I really just need to write this down, so thank you for listening.

 

Take some time out to reflect. Think about what it is that you want. Should you decide to go back to her, don't just try and pick up where you left off. You have to start from scratch as if you had never dated before. This is the only way you can succeed.

 

She also needs to sweat it out some more. If you just rush right back to her then she's going to think "Hey, he will easily take me back no matter what I do."

 

What assurances do you have that she won't do it again to you? You need to get that from her.

 

Aren't you a prize? You are valuable. Make her earn your trust and respect back. But don't make it impossible.

 

Proceed slowly and cautiously. Be optimistic but also be alert for red flags. You can make this work if you respect your own boundaries.

[dr strangelove]

Not to be an ass, but

 

Your ex has pretty much taken a big step to contact you and tell you this stuff.

I wouldnt push it..

 

This is what I mean about advice given on here.

 

This reminds me of a story actually.. perhaps for another time..

[jmargel]

If you are going NC, then make sure you tell her it is FINALLY over. If not, you are just doing this to stroke your own ego at her expense.

 

I don't know the details of your relationship but there will be a point that she will have moved on. You will not have any other chance to reconicile and have a relationship with her. If you don't, then fine. However if you do want it to work out, now is the time to act.

 

I would be against her moving from CA, since it will build up resentment. However like I said I don't know your side. There are 3 sides.. Yours, hers and the truth.

[thatmatt]

for the record, at first I was extremely confused, mostly because I really didn't know what to think. I thought about it, and know that I cannot and do not want to have a relationship with her, and have in no way strung her along. I told her plain and simple I was moving, I thought she needed to stay in California, and I could not handle a relationship at this point.

 

My NC comment was, rereading it, said in the wrong way. Talking to her set me back, back to a place I was a few months ago, and the further away I get from contact, time wise, the quicker I am able to get back into a healthy routine that I had established. I'm not trying to stroke my ego at all, I'm really just trying to protect myself from something that has had a negative impact on my life. I thanked her for telling me everything, and that I respected the courage it must have took to come out to me like that. I was honest, yet tried to be as calm and sentimental as possible, which is still a bit hard for me.

 

dr. strangelove, although it may seem like it from my posts, I do not underestimate what it took for her to come out and say those things. However, based on conclusions I've come to from looking at the relationship and her, I can't let myself fall back into old ways. I still don't really trust her, and feel 100% that I know her, as well as myself, well enough to know that I can not have a relationship with her.

 

I realize my posts were somewhat vague, so I just wanted to respond and clear some things up.

[Trialbyfire]

LDRs require complete commitment from both individuals. If one person or both people don't have the maturity level to provide this commitment to the relationship, it's going to crash and burn.

 

Also, negativity breeds negativity. If you self-prophesize that something will not work, it won't. Best to move on in your situation because it appears that you've already opted out. Sometimes it's too difficult for one individual to make the effort to ensure that the relationship continues.

 

Good luck. Hopefully you'll find someone who is capable of meeting your needs which appear to be quite substantial, considering that she buckled and offered everything up to you on a silver platter.