Begin at the beginning (sorry, long)

[car2007]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]It is difficult to say this in a short paragraph, so I won't. We've been married 15 years, we have a 7 year old child. We met at work, she was alone in this area, immediate family and friends several hours away. She moved here for a job. We dated and I found her to be a caring person, a little lost maybe, but she seemed to love me. I thought I loved her, too. She was different from the few other women I had dated (I've dated on and off and had one serious, long term relationship in college that I ended shortly after graduating. She'd had two serious long terms, one in college and one before we met, she ended the more recent one). She seemed different to me I guess because she seemed more mature, more intellectual. And quite frankly for whatever reason, she dug me. During the two years before we got married, things were pretty good. Not a great deal of emotional intimacy, looking back I realize that now, was probably too young and inexperienced to realize it then. The sex was ok, not great but seemed satifying. [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]After two years she (not me) decided we should buy a house. Again, looking back, she was probably frustrated that I had not asked her to marry me, and this may have been her way of nudging me along. I agreed to the the house; we settled on the house and two months later got married. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that while I felt I loved her, I was not anxious to get married. I was nervous, not sure I wanted to, I was only 25, she 26. But I didn't want to hurt her. She had shared with me that if she hadn't met me, she'd have packed it up and moved back closer to her family. I really felt as though I was her knight in shining armor and that she was depending on me to make her life great. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I was innocent and she took advantage of me. I was complicit in the fantasy; I thought this was what I needed. What was I waiting on? What else could be out there for me? Here was a woman who said she loved me, wanted to share her life with me. I (thought) I loved her and she (thought) she loved me. The parenthetical thought is because I'm not sure either one of us truly knew what it meant to be in love. During the years prior to the birth of our child, things were rocky. Not always bad, we had some very good times, great vacations, but there always seemed to be an undercurrent of missing intimacy. She would get mad at me because she thought I didn't communicate my feelings to her, I was distant. Didn't I see that? She would ask. I did see it, but I seemed powerless to change, how could I change myself when I didn't know how? I didn't know anything was wrong with me. I have friends, close friends, who love me. Past girlfriends had never complained about how I treated them. It seemed like she was asking me to be somebody I wasn't. I felt that, although she did express her feelings to me, she didn't really make an effort to know me, whereas I felt I knew her. How come I never had trouble coming up with ideas for Christmas or birthday gifts for her, but she always had trouble doing the same for me. And my ability to know her didn't come from her telling me how she felt, I thought it was because I was observant, I noticed things about her, about what she liked. I would send her flowers or cook for her just for fun, not because of a particular occasion. She thought our house needed work, so I remodeled it. [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]She wanted children, she was really pushing to have a baby. Again, I was uncertain. I didn't know if the marriage was strong enough. I did eventually decide I also wanted a child. I attributed that to an increasing maturity level in myself, that I was "ready" for children. In the years since the birth of our only child, our marriage has not significantly changed. I've done a little love research, and believe we have a "companion" love; no real romance or intimacy, but a mutual respect for each other and a very deep and shared love for our child. We get along; we talk about regular stuff, occasionally go out with friends. We still work in the same office. But we've had those arguments over the years about our lack of intimacy, she again pointing the finger at me. The arguements or heated discussions are much less frequent now then they were early in the marriage. Within the last 6 months she told me she's made her peace with the lack of emotional intimacy. We have not shared a bed or had sex in over two years. Our daughter likes to sleep in "our" big bed, so we kid ourselves that its fun for her, so I sleep in my home office down the hall. We've talked recently about moving our daughter back to her own bedroom, so I can go back to sleeping in "our" bed, but nothing has changed yet. [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]I've heard friends talk about their wives as their "soul mate". I'm sad to say I have never felt that about my relationship with my wife. I've read a lot of the advice given on this board, with many people saying counseling is the answer. Is it? We've not tried it, but I can't help thinking you can't fix what was broken from the start. It's not like we had a great relationship and somehow "lost our way". That's why I included the back-story here. I don't see that a lot on these threads so it makes me wonder about some of the spouses on here, have they reflected? Did they have a great marriage that just got boring, or has it always lacked a spark? Does astrology enter into it? Does it help to know she's a Capricorn and I'm a Pisces? Not sure but just in case. Thanks for reading.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]