Need help with Boyfriend's secret lives!

[itsybitsy]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 1/2 years; however, there has remained a constant issue that I just can't seem to get past. I have hoped that, as time progressed, things would smoothe out and our relationship would become more of the kind of relationship I'm looking for. He keeps his life very compartmentalized. He has his individuality and privacy as one aspect of his life. Then there's his family life, his life with old school chums, his life with old college chums, his life with friends he's made at work, his life with girlfriend, and his life with his friends that he's made outside of work and school. The problem that I have is that none of these "lives"mix. It's always one or the other. In the 2 1/2 years that we've been together, I've only met some of his friends on 3 occasions, and that's only because we ran into them at one place or another. He spends a lot of time with me, and I'm not afraid of him cheating on me. I just feel like an outsider. I feel like I'm a current part of his life but I don't belong in his life. He's never invited me over to dinner at his family's home though I know his mother has extended the invitation several times. He never askes me to go out with his brother and his brother's girlfriend when he goes out with them. We have an incredible relationship aside from this one huge problem. It's enough to make me want to end the relationship, but I have a hard time giving up all of the other good things. I would appreciate any suggestions or opinions on this please.

[Tony T]

In my opinion, you don't have a relationship at all. Relationships are all about sharing, sharing one's life with another person. This man is sharing nothing. Your life will be very lonely and empty as you evolve to realize more and more that, while the part of his life you have with him is "incredible" as you say, you will never be in a fulfilling relationship unless he changes.

 

I'm assuming you've talked to him and clearly told him how you feel. I'm assuming the two of you have a level of communication that is satisfactory in a relationship and therefore you've told him you feel you are only a small part of his life. You must have told him how important it is for you to be by his side for at least some of his encounters with friends, associates, etc.

 

Hey, meeting a boyfriend's parents is a very basic thing and I think it's rude as hell for him to withhold that from you.

 

Talk to him one more time. If he doesn't start including you in more of his life to make you feel more whole in the relationship and a valued person in his life, get away from him. As I said, you DO NOT have a relationship with him. He doesn't know what relationships are. If he is not willing to share his life with you, you shouldn't be willing to share your life with him.

 

Until he changes in a major way, I personally think your "boyfriend" stinks!!!

[Tony T]

I found a website that has your answer, short and simple. Just read down to Number 5 on the list of warning signs of abusive relationships and domestic abuse: http://www.thespring.org/16%20Signs%20of%20DV.htm

 

The main website address is: http://www.thespring.org which is the website for a shelter for abused women.

 

I think that this isolation your boyfriend enforces from his friends and family is definitely a giant warning sign of things to come...and according to the professionals it is a sign of iminent abuse.

 

Be careful, lady....I would hit the road if I were you.

[HokeyReligions]

I agree w/ Tony (as usual)

 

Good weblink too.

 

Itsybitsy, besides expressing your concern over this behavior and telling him what is important to you, have you also asked him WHY he compartmentalizes life this way? Is this something learned from his upbringing? Does he realize he does this, or is it "just the way he's always been" in his life? And has he ever agreed that the behavior is outside the norm for a relationship and shown any interest in changing?

 

Did he maybe have a former love who was the clingy type and felt she had to be involved in 100% of his life and maybe he is overcompensating with you?

[midori]

Interesting link that Tony provided, and perhaps applicable to this situation? If so, by all means exit immediately.

 

But if it's not that he tries to isolate you from your own friends and family, but simply keeps you separate from his friends and family -- which is how I read your post -- I think it's still a very bad sign. If he's not willing to incorporate you fully into his life then, as Tony also suggested, you're not in a real relationship with him. You fill his cuddling/sex/affection needs, that's it.

 

Does he do things with your friends? Has he met your family?

 

I had an ex boyfriend who was very careful to compartmentalize different relationships and aspects of his life. We were together for more than 3 years, yet he spent a total of 45 minutes in the company of my parents -- his choice. And my parents are extraordinarily nice people. I realize now that he never would have taken me on fully, as a whole, unique person; he only saw bits of me, the parts that he had need of. It was very unfulfilling for me -- and I recognized it was at the time -- but I thought it would improve with time, as he got to "know" me and "trust" me. That wasn't going to happen though, because he never allowed himself to know or trust me. I was restricted to only certain parts of his life.

 

I'm a tenacious, empathetic person who can have loads of patience and understanding if it seems like a worthwhile cause. I thought that ex of mine was a worthwhile cause for a long time. But I couldn't make him open up to me, I couldn't make him want to get to know *all* of me. And I'd be willing to bet you can't do so with your guy either. My guess is that a break-up is in the cards for you; all you can decide is whether it will be sooner or later, and whether you want to be the one to end it.

 

Sorry to be so pessimistic but it's based on my own experience and what I've heard from others in similar. How do you get someone to see you when he refuses to look? How do you get someone to open up to you on a deep level when he won't even share the small details & activities of his daily life with you? I don't think you can. And it's not because of who you are: it's about him. No amount of effort or patience on your part can change that.