He wants to leave

[mammax3]

We've been together 10 years, married for 5 and I'm pregnant with #3.

 

He told me that he's not 'in love' with me anymore and doesn't think it'll work out if we tried. He mentioned counselling that first night and I balked and he's taken it off the table.

 

He travels out of province for 10 days out of every 14, and has been travelling for a long time due to work. We've only communicated by stinted phone conversations and terse emails. But overall our communication is positive (to the point where I was beginning to believe he'd changed his mind). Next week when he comes back we're going to 'talk', and I have no idea what that will look like.

 

At first I was all those things you can imagine- shocked, hurt and angry. I thought our marriage was terrific (if not pulled thin by travel, kids and 'regular' life stuff) and was waiting in anticipation for our lives to return to 'normal'. I'm still stunned.

 

But the interesting thing is that I'm beginning to see what he meant about not being in love with me, because I don't think I am with him, anymore. But I'm not prepared to end the whole relationship since I think we could still work on it (damn my angry words about counselling!) but if he's not prepared or interested... What choice do I have? I realize I haven't been satisfied for a while now either (but how terrible am I for wanting to keep the relationship??) but somehow blamed it all on the travelling and other outside stuff.

 

I'm trying to keep in mind that this will be our first conversation and so not everything needs to be established on this one trip. But there are some logistics to work out - will he stay at our home (I think this would be better for the kids, but tougher for me)? How 'pressing' can I be re: counselling, or staying together? What will happen re: this 'new' baby? How normal can I be??

 

I've never wanted to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids (thanks sumdude for that link, btw) but it kills me to know that they won't grow up without their dad, and this baby inside me won't EVER really know him. That makes me very sad. So I do kinda want to work it out for their sake in a manner of speaking. And also, how scary is it to know I'm not going to have that support when #3 comes??

 

Thanks. I just need some input before he comes 'home', if you've got any to give...

[ilmw]

Hi,

 

As for the meeting with your H. Stay calm.. stay focused and stay rational. Losing it will only make it worse. Also.. if you want to reconcile..and make this work... you had better get your behind to the library.. and/or book store.. and get you self some reading material.. on relationships.

 

Also... if you have not read some of the posts on here already... they are a really good source to. I learned when He*l of a lot from other peoples situations..

 

Furthermore.. I'm sure you will be getting further posts from some very caring and knowledgeable folks from LS... male and female.

 

I for one think... that because of your situation... there should be No reason why you could not reconcile.. then again.. I am an eternal optimist... Then again.. I'm not there... I don't know you or your H... and I don't know if there is a motive behind his wanting to end your relationship.

 

I'll be honest... I'm NOT to impressed with a man who leave his pregnant lady. (NOT VERY COOL)

 

Stay strong... and stay calm..k

 

ilmw

[Woggle]

He is a coward who is willing to walk out on his family just because the marriage hits a natural rough spot. Instead of letting the stresses bring you two together he just bails. People are so friggen weak these days I swear.

[big_tony]

We've been together 10 years, married for 5 and I'm pregnant with #3.

 

He told me that he's not 'in love' with me anymore and doesn't think it'll work out if we tried. He mentioned counselling that first night and I balked and he's taken it off the table.

 

He travels out of province for 10 days out of every 14, and has been travelling for a long time due to work. We've only communicated by stinted phone conversations and terse emails. But overall our communication is positive (to the point where I was beginning to believe he'd changed his mind). Next week when he comes back we're going to 'talk', and I have no idea what that will look like.

 

At first I was all those things you can imagine- shocked, hurt and angry. I thought our marriage was terrific (if not pulled thin by travel, kids and 'regular' life stuff) and was waiting in anticipation for our lives to return to 'normal'. I'm still stunned.

 

But the interesting thing is that I'm beginning to see what he meant about not being in love with me, because I don't think I am with him, anymore. But I'm not prepared to end the whole relationship since I think we could still work on it (damn my angry words about counselling!) but if he's not prepared or interested... What choice do I have? I realize I haven't been satisfied for a while now either (but how terrible am I for wanting to keep the relationship??) but somehow blamed it all on the travelling and other outside stuff.

 

I'm trying to keep in mind that this will be our first conversation and so not everything needs to be established on this one trip. But there are some logistics to work out - will he stay at our home (I think this would be better for the kids, but tougher for me)? How 'pressing' can I be re: counselling, or staying together? What will happen re: this 'new' baby? How normal can I be??

 

I've never wanted to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids (thanks sumdude for that link, btw) but it kills me to know that they won't grow up without their dad, and this baby inside me won't EVER really know him. That makes me very sad. So I do kinda want to work it out for their sake in a manner of speaking. And also, how scary is it to know I'm not going to have that support when #3 comes??

 

Thanks. I just need some input before he comes 'home', if you've got any to give...

 

 

Hi!!

 

I don't think I am the best person here to give advice, but I can tell you that if you want it to work, you need to push the counseling thing. That's what I did before my world came crashing down. Here is what I'd do if you want it to work and providing you have sufficent time before he comes home (hours). Call around to the different marriage counselors in your area, and speak to some of them to get a feel for who they are. If you find one, schedule an appointment with the option to cancel w/out penalty. When he comes up, give him ample time to relax and unwind, then broach the subject with him. Tell him you made an appointment with someone, and we should just go and see what he/she has to say.

 

If the counselor is as good as mine was, you will both walk out of your 1st session feeling "new" and "revived" .

 

I cannot stress enough on telling each other how you feel by using "I" statements. For example. I am feeling really XXX because of XXX, not you are such an a'hole because you xxx. He won't feel intimidated by talking to you, and it can open a whole new line of communication. If he uses the "you" statements trying to point a finger, gently tell him it hurts your feelings. As in, I'm sorry hunny, but that was a barbed comment, and it really hurt my feelings. Watch his face drop.

 

Before my wife and I seperated, we did this for about 8 months, and let me tell you, counseling and the "I" statements helped our relationship immensly. We went from arguing back and forth to no end, to talking about it and ending the conversation happy and fulfilled. It's just to bad that we're no longer together, but that's how it goes.

 

Just my .02.

 

Tony

[Gunny376]

The DH and you are both right. The "love" you had is dead and gone ~ and there's nothing you can do get it back.

 

But what you can do is to raise your relationship to a newer and higher love, a stronger love ~ one that you didn't ever know was ever possible. But its going to take a lot of work, giving and taking, exploring, learning, improvising, and adapting. But, you know what ~ even if you and the DH split you're going to have to that anyway if your ever going to be successful in this or any other relationship.

 

The primary reason marriages fail is most people don't have a clue about being married, and fail to learn how to be married. Throw in a lot of myths and fallacies about what marriage is "suppose to be like" along with a lot of myths and fallacies about what "a man is suppose to be" or "a woman is suppose to be" and your setting yourself up for misery and failuer everytime.

 

In real life ~ man doesn't meet a woman, fall in love and live happily ever after in just two hours on a movie screen.

 

The divorce rate for fist time marriages is 52%, second? 62% ~ third 72%.

Its because people don't do the hard work, learn the difficult lessons that they need to learn about marriage and themselves. They just go from one relationship to the next ~ drifting on the sea like driftwood, occassionaly bumping into another piece of driftwood.

 

And, I hate to be Mr. Reality here with a big old Louiville Slugger ~ but when I broke up with my last LTR GF, I sold cars for a living. Cute little gal came in, just a pretty and pettite as she could be. Wanted to buy a loaded out new Pathfinder. Leather, bonechunker (some call it sunroof, but I use them to throw my chicken wing bones out as I'm going down the road! ) the works.

 

She was a school teacher (here we go again ~ last LTR GF was a school teacher?) Just finished her Master's, just got a new job making good money, just bought a two story house.

 

Ran her credit report, went from the ceiling to the floor ~ all paid out accounts and with a credit score of over 750. Took a while for it print out ~ She could buy anything on the lot with just her signature ~ sign and drive, no money down.

 

We had good repport going ~ flirting and such ~ talking smack. Then she mentioned that she had three little girls at home ~ ages 3, 6, and 9. That was a big red flag for me at the time. Not because I don't like children, and all. Just that I had just gotten out of the child rearing ~ child support business and wasn't in any hurry to get back into it.

 

Your best shot at true love and happiness is in your current marriage.

 

The right time to divorce? When you and he have settled any and all isssues, there's no anger, no hate, no guilt, no remorse, no regret. When you can still look at him, and he you and have a peace of mind and heart come across you.

[mammax3]

Thanks. I don't think I'll be so ballsy as to make an appt, but I will ask him about it, or maybe I'll insist.

 

I'm surprising myself on how timid I am feeling regarding 'pushing' anything since I don't want to drive him away, but if he's leaving anyway then I guess I'll only feel frustrated with myself if I don't do something I feel like I should (like pressing for counselling).

 

He hasn't told me why he wants to leave, other than he's "not in love" anymore, but he does still "love me" (I suppose there's a difference - running through sunny flower fields vs. changing poopy diapers and making dinner). So I'm awaiting Monday with a heavy heart since I don't think he'll want to reconsider. And when I'm left alone with my thoughts, I feel maybe I'm wrong, he sounds so normal on those brief phone calls, how could he be planning on leaving??

 

And like I said before, I'm aware of the change in our relationship, but I agree and think that this is an opportunity for taking it to a deepr level of love, but maybe it IS too much hard work for him. Argh!

 

And honestly, the thought of being that cute chatty woman that seems to have a good rapport with men, but is keeping three kids two years apart at home on her own has totally crossed my mind and I'm scared to be her, too. So if this break up goes through, I'm trying to imagine how graceful I can be about being alone for much of my childrens lives... I don't know if I can be. Maybe it'd be easier when they're older.

 

Sigh. Sometimes I'm ok and feeling like I can handle all this, and sometimes I'm just so sad and overwhelmed and mad that he could do this to us. And stupidly I keep thinking of our history! 10 years is a long time to just pack it in without trying, and with our kids and stuff, it makes me mad.

 

Phew I needed to vent. There's more in there (although I'm not quite mad enough yet to want to carry around bats or punch bags - but I'll let ya know how I feel after Monday!) but I'm a little nervous that if I start to let it out prematurely that I won't be able to stuff it back in. How cool and rational will I be then??

[ilmw]

Its along time between today... and Monday.. keep coming on LS for support.. and to vent/rant.. it does help..to know someone is listening.. although not right there infront of you...

[Ladyjane14]

Men who are married with three children seldom just get up and leave for no particular reason.

 

Either there are some really bad problems going on within the marriage that he believes are completely irreparable, or he's got a little something going on the side that's got him wound up to go. The guy's out of town 10 days in 14? I'm thinking y'all don't have a whole lot of time for fussing and fighting, pet peeves, and grudges. You also don't have alot of time to be supportive of each other's emotional needs.

 

Frankly, I'll be surprised if it turns out he's not cheating.

 

Check out Mum's thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t106880/

[umbo]

I also suspect in your marriage that your husband may be cheating as well. I hate to speculate that way but It is not normal to get you pregnant with baby #3 and then want to walk. He seems like a hard worker with a lot of stress some else is destressing him. Investigate more deeply and prepare your self emotionaly. good luck and good hunting.

[mammax3]

Thanks LadyJane for the thread link. A lot of the info was useful and I could feel the heat in my face as I read that bit about cheaters and what they should/shouldn't do. H has been losing weight, becoming distant intimately, getting new tattoos etc. My stomach's in knots.

 

When he first told me, that was my absolute first reaction, that there's an OW. And he's ALWAYS loudly made such a fuss that he'd never do that, it's terrible la la la. I imagine if he's not already involved, then it's pretty close to becoming something.

 

That's interesting about the cheaters will look to blame their spouse. He hasn't exactly blamed me, but I do feel that something went wrong, and how could anyone 'switch' like that so quickly?

 

Also I thought it a good point that men don't usually up and ask for divorce very often. I just said tonight that I see all these horrible and sad marriages all around me and they manage to keep it together-why couldn't h & i manage with all the 'good things' (so I thought) that we had together??

 

Thanks a lot everyone. It sure does help hearing from all of you.

[mammax3]

So I've been thinking about all your opinions on H having an OW, and I checked the one cell bill I could find - there were two repeating numbers on it (both from around home and one from around work) and they were both called WAY more times than he called me.

 

What other 'signs' can I look for? I've already seen some physical ones (like I mentioned before) but I'm feeling a little lost. Is he lost to me forever? I've checked out the Cheaters forum and OM/OW and I'm having a hard time looking for something applicable...

 

Argh! What can I do? Nothing, I'm beginning to see.

 

It seems to me that if it is an OW, then my game plan for Monday should be different - am I wrong?

 

Please tell me your opinions.

[Gunny376]

To be honest? I've been thinking about you and your thread for the last niine and half hours (I work the second shift) and read you post just before I went to work.

 

First off, I apolgize for misleading you into thinking that if you got divorce with three kids that's a life time sentence to being single and alone for the rest of your life until you've got your children grown. There are many, many men that don't care how many children you bring to the marriage by another man. I know I was one of them, and maybe again? Who knows. Its just that having done it twice with two different women, its not personally on the top of my agenda at the present. But, then again getting into another LTR serious relationship isn't at the top of my agenda.

 

I'm inclined to believe that there is someone else. And, give me a bit, and I can give you some other signs to look for.

 

With that said ~ I didn't cheat on my wife ~ she cheated on me. I didn't want the divorce ~ she did.

 

To this day, and its been seventeen years ~ I still don't have a clear pretty picture as to why I'm divorced? All I ever got was the standard issued 1. I love you, but I'm not in love with you, 2. "Youi've got to change" (With zero imput ~ guidance as to what changes I needed to make?) and 3. "You're a workaholic"

 

Knowing what I know now about the Marine Corps ~ I wouldn't recommend any Marine marry before they pin on either Gunnery Sergeant stripes or Major. The Marine Corps is a very demanding and jealous misterress. The Corps tried a couple of years ago, to make it regulation that you had to be at least a Corporal to get married. The FemiNazi's went wild.

 

My idea and concept of marraige was based upon my Grandparents model, as they raised me as an only child alone in the pine thickets of Alabama. Basically its an outdated model of marriage in these modern times. But it was basically that I didn't cheat, didn't beat the wife, didn't beat the children, didn't gamble, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, brought home the bacon ~ then everything was good.

 

There's a thread on her that got locked down, that a4a and I went back and forth about what a marriage is. It didn't get nasty (well too much)

 

a4a and others taught me a lot with that thread. And, I'm not trying to open it back up here, nor re-hash it. But, there's a lot of pressure on men being men and being good fathers, and being good husbands ~ but a lot of that is tied into being good providers and having good jobs.

 

I'm learing a lot from LJ (Lady Jane) about the emotional aspects, and mind you! You're talking to a guy where the clerks at Books A Million and Barnes and Noble know me by my frist name.

 

OW? Most definately possible! Most definately likely.

 

You and the DH are at a crisis point. As I was during my first enlistment in the Corps. I got into some trouble, not because of something I did as a young PFC, but because I made a bad choice of friends. They went down, they drug me down.

 

I "Requested Mast" to speak to the "Old Man" the Commanding Officer. I told him:

 

"I don't care if you bust me, fine me, take my hard earned stripes. Put me on Mess duty or guard duty for days, weeks, months, years! I don't care! I don't care if I'm a four year private, with a hash mark (four years service) and not a chevron of my "Dress Blue" blouse. I signed on to be a man and to be a Marine! (BTW ~ 1st Sgt Versinnia accomdated me for the next 4 years! :laugh: I can laugh about that now! I roofed his house, painted his house, babysit his kids, etc ~ but "Hey?" the man stood up and safed my azz!

 

The point of all this you've got to make a stand! You've got to quit running from yourself.

 

You're so close to true love ~ real love! Don't let it slip away!

 

Suck it up, deal with it, and carry on!

[Trialbyfire]

Some good advice here.

 

If you want places to look, check out emails, text messages, credit card bills (florists, lingerie, jewelry shops, massage parlours since hotels would be a normal thing for someone who travels a lot) and bank statements (unusual patterns in withdrawals). Affairs can be expensive.

[mammax3]

Thanks Trial By Fire. I get the mail (and I can have the first opportunity to open it since he's rarely home to get to it first) but I didn't think to start checking until last night, and that's why I can only find one cell bill. I can't, however, find any Visa or bank statements mailed here, I'm trying to imagine if he's asked for them to be sent somewhere else, or am i just being paranoid??

 

No, You didn't mislead me Gunny, that was one of my first pathetic thoughts "Who'll want me now??" and then decided I've got A LOT of time to explore that path, and I don't need to muddle current things with those types of thoughts. Thanks in advance for finding some other signs to look for, and your slugger-ish ( ) honesty in saying that you do think it's an OW.

 

The more and more I think about it (and I did think about it all night!) the more sure I become that there is someone else. There IS nothing terribly wrong with our relationship, it's just tense due to travel. Late last night (early this morning) I was ready to call that number and try to bust him, but that moment has mercifully passed and I'm going to wait until he's home and see what I can dig out. I'm a terrible liar and can't act worth beans so I'm hoping any strain he detects can be attributed to our current stressful situation, not due to the fact I think he's a lying sod. I'm beginning to think I can be normalish (mostly for the kids sake, but also to lull him into a sense of false security ) but I'm worried that when I see him I'll be all turned out in rage like some of the other reactions I've read about on here.

 

I'm not too sure how to take a stand. Or, maybe more accurately, I don't know what I want to stand on. How sad is that??!

[sumdude]

As far as an OW. Until you're absolutely sure...say nothing! At this point pull back from him a bit. Don't ask questions, don't get clingy, start prepping yourself for whatever comes. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself stronger than the situation, stronger than him. Have patience like crazy. I don't even know if it's worth the stress to do the detective work..

 

I tell you all this because when those things started happening to me...when I was suspicious..when I was snooping...when my wife started asking for space and complaining that I was to 'clingy', I made the hang up calls to the mystery numbers... my actions likely helped push her out the door in no time. What might have been an idea or fling may well have been pushed further by my weakness. It creates the us against him/her mentality for the affair couple and brings them closer together.

 

Good luck..

[mammax3]

The number is for a female. <<bleep>>

 

I'm sick and I don't know what to do.

 

All those times that he's called her... <bleepin' bleeper>

 

Please help.

[stillafool]

I am so so sorry you are going through this especially being pregnant with your 3rd child. How pregnant are you? How old are you and your husband?

 

You would do right to keep your temper in check until you get more evidence. Jumping on him right now will definitely push him closer to the OW. Try to stay calm and upbeat if not for you do it for the baby. When he does get back in to town - try to have your hair washed and done and wear some makeup. I know your heart is hurting and you probably don't feel like doing this but it will give you power and make you feel better. Sleeping is probably hard for you right now but try to eat if you can for your baby.

 

He is definitely going through something but so are you. I know the stress of 3 kids and a wife is probably getting to him - but what about you?????

He seems to have found him a little something to make him feel younger and better about hisself, but I bet when you have your baby and get back to your normal self he is going to miss his family and want to come home.

He is being so selfish right now.

[2sunny]

The number is for a female. <<bleep>>

 

I'm sick and I don't know what to do.

 

All those times that he's called her... <bleepin' bleeper>

 

Please help.

 

bring the phone number up on a search (you have to usually pay a fee) and find out her name, address etc.

 

find out who she is and where she lives. can you check his e-mail? when he gets home - look around in his car - whithout him knowing - of course....

 

who's to say that he is not with her when he says he is travelling... drive by her house...

[big_tony]

bring the phone number up on a search (you have to usually pay a fee) and find out her name, address etc.

 

find out who she is and where she lives. can you check his e-mail? when he gets home - look around in his car - whithout him knowing - of course....

 

who's to say that he is not with her when he says he is travelling... drive by her house...

 

 

I think I should say something about this. I've been doing the same thing as 2Sunny describes. It does NOTHING more then to get you more upset. I checked her email accounts, myspace (no adult should have a myspace account), etc. I saw things, for my own wellbeing, should have never seen. Granted, I stopped doing this only 24 hours ago, but checking in, snooping, etc is only going to get you more upset at him, and HEATED at the OW, if indeed there is.

 

In my situation, I intercepted an email from her and another guy about going to a party last Sunday, if you read my post @: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117469/ you will get the idea of what I did to intrude on my Wife. It hasn't been a pleasant time @ all, but going thru her stuff 1. is an invasion of her privacy and 2. Is messing w/ my head, probably over nothing.

 

Tony

[ilmw]

I think I should say something about this. I've been doing the same thing as 2Sunny describes. It does NOTHING more then to get you more upset. I checked her email accounts, myspace (no adult should have a myspace account), etc. I saw things, for my own wellbeing, should have never seen. Granted, I stopped doing this only 24 hours ago, but checking in, snooping, etc is only going to get you more upset at him, and HEATED at the OW, if indeed there is.

 

In my situation, I intercepted an email from her and another guy about going to a party last Sunday, if you read my post @: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117469/ you will get the idea of what I did to intrude on my Wife. It hasn't been a pleasant time @ all, but going thru her stuff 1. is an invasion of her privacy and 2. Is messing w/ my head, probably over nothing.

 

Tony

 

Good advice Big T.. snooping will just drive you nuts...

[Gunny376]

I think I should say something about this. I've been doing the same thing as 2Sunny describes. It does NOTHING more then to get you more upset. I checked her email accounts, myspace (no adult should have a myspace account), etc. I saw things, for my own wellbeing, should have never seen. Granted, I stopped doing this only 24 hours ago, but checking in, snooping, etc is only going to get you more upset at him, and HEATED at the OW, if indeed there is.

 

In my situation, I intercepted an email from her and another guy about going to a party last Sunday, if you read my post @: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117469/ you will get the idea of what I did to intrude on my Wife. It hasn't been a pleasant time @ all, but going thru her stuff 1. is an invasion of her privacy and 2. Is messing w/ my head, probably over nothing.

 

Tony

 

Got to go with the Big Guy on this one. All this snopping is self defeating and just brings more un-answerable questions etc. It accomplishes nothing but to add more hurt and confusion to the situation.

 

You don't need a "Cheaters" type investigation to know ~ you have three children with someone, lived with them for ten years ~ you know!

[2sunny]

Got to go with the Big Guy on this one. All this snopping is self defeating and just brings more un-answerable questions etc. It accomplishes nothing but to add more hurt and confusion to the situation.

You don't need a "Cheaters" type investigation to know ~ you have three children with someone, lived with them for ten years ~ you know!

 

true - but he obviously is not being honest with her... sooooo, she has a right to find out what really is going on here.

[big_tony]

Let's delve into what can and maybe will happen if she does this to him.

 

She checks his email, finds nothing. Goes thru the car, finds nothing. Check out anything else he has ties to, and finds out nothing. She is going to be invading his privacy over and over and over again because there is no evidence to show there is another W. (Welcome to my world before the breakup, I have serious jealousy issues) You will now make it your mission to check his email, and his car on a daily basis to feed the need.

 

Or

 

She checks his email, and finds something, and the same w/ his car. She confronts him, and then what. Not only has she found out that something indeed has been going on, but now HE knows that SHE has been going thru HIS stuff. So, you get the double whammy. You find out 1. He has something going on, and 2. You've broken his trust in you for spying. (welcome to my world as of late, I f'ed up big time a couple days ago for doing this exact thing, and got the Don't call me, don't write me, etc from the W) You can kiss it goodbye at this point.

 

Be careful.

[Gunny376]

true - but he obviously is not being honest with her... sooooo, she has a right to find out what really is going on here.

 

Its self defeating! It'll wrench your guts out!

 

Jealousy isn't about the other person ~ its about your own personal insecurities, and inadequacies. Its about your feeling threatened in the face of any and all potential competition.

 

Its you pointing a finger at someone while having three pointing back at yourself!

 

In short jealousy is about YOU!

[big_tony]

Jealousy isn't about the other person ~ its about your own personal insecurities, and inadequacies

 

Gunny said it best.....