He wants to leave

[mammax3]

stillafool,

I'm 30 so's he. I'm 8 months pregnant.

 

Bigtony, gunny and 2sunny, I've been bouncing that around my head for the past oh, 4 hours. also whether or not to call all the people we know (especially his mother) and tell them what he has done. I honestly don't feel embarassed or anything (maybe I should?? ) and I've so far done a good job of keeping the mental pictures out of my head. Really, the phone calls are proof enough, I just don't think I want to believe it.

 

Our ten years together had been so honest and open... and tight. Man, we were so tight. And then the kids came, and the responisibilities of the house, and sheesh... I dunno. I've never been jealous, at I don't know if I am now. I'm still working through my emotions. A lot of it is centered around the kids, surprisingly. I'd still like to see what he'll say on monday, so I think overall I'll wait to do anything. Not because I'm waiting to be decieved, I'm waiting to see if he has the decency to cough it up. Patience - I do not have THAT trait in spades!

 

My mother thinks this is a good thing, as she said that I need someone to "get in the harness with me" since she didn't think it was that equal of a relationship, i guess.

[sumdude]

Jealousy isn't about the other person ~ its about your own personal insecurities, and inadequacies

 

Gunny said it best.....

 

 

Yes he did....from personal experience I know that it's true. I know that my insecurites made my greatest fears come true. A self fulfilling prophesy...mostly done subconsciously....

 

A VERY VERY hard lesson to learn. But learn we must..

[sumdude]

stillafool,

I'm 30 so's he. I'm 8 months pregnant.

 

Bigtony, gunny and 2sunny, I've been bouncing that around my head for the past oh, 4 hours. also whether or not to call all the people we know (especially his mother) and tell them what he has done. I honestly don't feel embarassed or anything (maybe I should?? ) and I've so far done a good job of keeping the mental pictures out of my head. Really, the phone calls are proof enough, I just don't think I want to believe it.

 

Our ten years together had been so honest and open... and tight. Man, we were so tight. And then the kids came, and the responisibilities of the house, and sheesh... I dunno. I've never been jealous, at I don't know if I am now. I'm still working through my emotions. A lot of it is centered around the kids, surprisingly. I'd still like to see what he'll say on monday, so I think overall I'll wait to do anything. Not because I'm waiting to be decieved, I'm waiting to see if he has the decency to cough it up. Patience - I do not have THAT trait in spades!

 

My mother thinks this is a good thing, as she said that I need someone to "get in the harness with me" since she didn't think it was that equal of a relationship, i guess.

 

 

Well I wouldn't recommend shouting this out to the hills.. all will come out in the wash eventually. In the end it will make you look bad regardless of the facts. Especially if you call his mom.

 

Be firm and businesslike about the marriage then. Attempt to get the two of you into marriage counciling. See if there's any way he'll and you will WORK on making the marriage better. For cryin out loud you're pregnant!

 

Otherwise.... you might have to cut your losses. Make sure you get ALL the child support you'll need during separation etc. Any judge on the planet will award you just about everything considering your situation. Don't expect him to 'fess up, they rarely do.

[Gunny376]

stillafool,

I'm 30 so's he. I'm 8 months pregnant.

 

Bigtony, gunny and 2sunny, I've been bouncing that around my head for the past oh, 4 hours. also whether or not to call all the people we know (especially his mother) and tell them what he has done. I honestly don't feel embarassed or anything (maybe I should?? ) and I've so far done a good job of keeping the mental pictures out of my head. Really, the phone calls are proof enough, I just don't think I want to believe it.

 

Our ten years together had been so honest and open... and tight. Man, we were so tight. And then the kids came, and the responisibilities of the house, and sheesh... I dunno. I've never been jealous, at I don't know if I am now. I'm still working through my emotions. A lot of it is centered around the kids, surprisingly. I'd still like to see what he'll say on monday, so I think overall I'll wait to do anything. Not because I'm waiting to be decieved, I'm waiting to see if he has the decency to cough it up. Patience - I do not have THAT trait in spades!

 

My mother thinks this is a good thing, as she said that I need someone to "get in the harness with me" since she didn't think it was that equal of a relationship, i guess.

 

To me its not a questions of exposing the affair? HELL YEA!

 

Its only a question of the right time and place? That's the kicker!

 

You call a Bully ~ a bully

You call a liar ~ a liar

You call a theft ~ a theft

You call an azzhole ~ an azzhole

You call a sorry azz ~ a sorry azz!

You call a crook ~ a crook

You call a child molestor ~ a child molestor

You call a murder ~ a bloody damn murder!

You call a cheater ~ a cheater

 

If that freaking hurts their feelings? Too sad ~ too bad! Hate to be you!

 

The politcally correct BS has gotten way out of hand

[mammax3]

Hmm. they rarely fess up? I was hoping it would be different (isn't that the cliche of those who are cheated on?) I guess our history really doesn't matter. Seriously, two people couldn't have been as close as we were. And I know he felt the same. So Gunny, when you say that I know him. Cuz I do. His behaviour is too sudden and too off the rocks for it just to be he's 'confused' or 'scared' or even nervous about our hectic near future with three little kids under 5.

 

Although maybe it was those things that 'drove' him to her. maybe it was because I'm the only partner he's ever had. who knows? And I think that contemplating THOSE thoughts will make me crazy too.

[Gunny376]

I dunno. I've never been jealous, at I don't know if I am now.

 

All day strong ~ says you've got your self esteem and self respect intact. Hard to find in a person ~ man or woman. Your guy be a fool to throw you to the curb, the next guy (and there will be a next guy) will be like ~ "Where have you been all my life!"

 

The one that cares the least is the one that controls the relationship ~ that'd be you BTW.

 

You're coming across as mentally and emotionally strong ~ little wonder that he's the one coming across as the emotionally and mentally weakling. I get the comment that your Mom made.

 

More and more ~ extramartial affair or not ~ its starting to sound as though he's just overwhelmed with the noraml day to day reality of life.

 

The comic strip "Baby Blues" is doing a series about life before and after having children. Pretty funny stuff ~ because it mirrors the truth of day-to-day living.

[ilmw]

Hmm. they rarely fess up? I was hoping it would be different (isn't that the cliche of those who are cheated on?) I guess our history really doesn't matter. Seriously, two people couldn't have been as close as we were. And I know he felt the same. So Gunny, when you say that I know him. Cuz I do. His behaviour is too sudden and too off the rocks for it just to be he's 'confused' or 'scared' or even nervous about our hectic near future with three little kids under 5.

 

Although maybe it was those things that 'drove' him to her. maybe it was because I'm the only partner he's ever had. who knows? And I think that contemplating THOSE thoughts will make me crazy too.

 

Ok...although it may seem that your H may be having an affair... you do not know it as a fact. By convincing yourself.. he is.. is not.. very proactive in maybe saving.. a shaky marriage.

 

There is nothing wrong with hoping for the best and preparing for the worst....

 

Wait until.. he gets back... and have a serious.. sit down talk. See what he has to say... Just don't jump the gun... cause it could really screw things up... if a) he is not cheating b) he is considering it... and you just pushed him into it..

 

Have you gone to the marriage builders web site??

 

Wait and see... k.. and try and calm down... If he is cheating.. you will have time.. later.. to do what you have to do.. but until then... there is nothing you can do... Just try and maintain.. and positive frame of mind.. the best you can.. and if it helps.. be around positive people... who.. will lift you up... not.. drag you down... with petty bitterness (there own).

 

ilmw

[big_tony]

stillafool,

I'm 30 so's he. I'm 8 months pregnant.

 

Bigtony, gunny and 2sunny, I've been bouncing that around my head for the past oh, 4 hours. also whether or not to call all the people we know (especially his mother) and tell them what he has done. I honestly don't feel embarassed or anything (maybe I should?? ) and I've so far done a good job of keeping the mental pictures out of my head. Really, the phone calls are proof enough, I just don't think I want to believe it.

 

Our ten years together had been so honest and open... and tight. Man, we were so tight. And then the kids came, and the responisibilities of the house, and sheesh... I dunno. I've never been jealous, at I don't know if I am now. I'm still working through my emotions. A lot of it is centered around the kids, surprisingly. I'd still like to see what he'll say on monday, so I think overall I'll wait to do anything. Not because I'm waiting to be decieved, I'm waiting to see if he has the decency to cough it up. Patience - I do not have THAT trait in spades!

 

My mother thinks this is a good thing, as she said that I need someone to "get in the harness with me" since she didn't think it was that equal of a relationship, i guess.

 

 

 

ACK. Your mother said what???? You should Do What????

 

What is your suspisions are empty? You've just committed adultry, based on 0 real proof. If you want a divorce, badda bing. You just set yourself up for one. Be the better person. Talk it out, ask him. You will be able to tell if he's being honest or not.

[mammax3]

Gunny: "More and more ~ extramartial affair or not ~ its starting to sound as though he's just overwhelmed with the noraml day to day reality of life."

 

I wholeheartedly agree. LadyJane said that with him gone so much ALL the time, there's not much room for fuss and bickering, but not any room for affection and love (sorry, I can't figure out quotes here), and so not any time to support each other with the overwhelm-ness of everyday life. He's been pulling away, and I've been letting him, resenting him for 'getting' to escape these day to day realities that I cannot escape from (even in sleep). So while we should have been pulling together (and re-hitching the harness, so to speak ) we've been pulling the wagon in different directions. Does this make sense? I'm so glad to be able to think out loud.

 

Coming from this perspective, I can be positive and optimistic. But I haven't taken his feelings and desires into account. I just can't believe he'd been willing to end it with me due to less than a year of insanity. I'd like to believe that this is our wake up call (is it becoming obvious that I'm sitting on both sides of the fence here??) and we've got this opportunity to take our 'love' to the deeper level which I really want to. I don't know why.

 

(Quick background, he abhors affairs as that's how his mother and father divorced - quite messily - and we've had friends who've had affairs and stuff. He's always been quite against them...)

 

And I don't know why he doesn't want to take it to that level. ilmw - you are right too. And other than my immediate family, I haven't called anyone else, and I think it's just prudent to wait until I hear from him on Monday. He probably IS confused and scared. Me too. Moreso if he leaves! But since he's been essentially out of our family due to travel he probably feels quite alienated. And he can't work like this forever. Unless he moves out there, I suppose.

 

Anyway, I could volley like this all afternoon. I'm really glad I came upon this website (i can't even remember now) and that you're all here. Really. It's so good to get it out and get feedback.

 

Thank you.

[Ladyjane14]

Hmm. they rarely fess up? I was hoping it would be different (isn't that the cliche of those who are cheated on?) I guess our history really doesn't matter. Seriously, two people couldn't have been as close as we were. And I know he felt the same. So Gunny, when you say that I know him. Cuz I do. His behaviour is too sudden and too off the rocks for it just to be he's 'confused' or 'scared' or even nervous about our hectic near future with three little kids under 5.

 

Although maybe it was those things that 'drove' him to her. maybe it was because I'm the only partner he's ever had. who knows? And I think that contemplating THOSE thoughts will make me crazy too.

 

 

Cheaters don't usually "fess up" until they feel like they HAVE to. If they do decide to tell the truth, they have a motive for it. Sometimes, it's because they want to repair the marriage and can't tolerate the guilt. Sometimes, it's because they figure if they lay it on the line, the betrayed spouse will finally let them go.

 

Even when you do get the confession... you're unlikely to get 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth' unless you're in the recovery phase. So, you might bust a guy for talking on the phone, and he'll admit that it's an inappropriate "friendship" or that they only had sex a couple of times... when all the while he's been telling her "his marriage is dead" and "he's only there for the children".

 

The point is... they usually only admit as much as they're busted with and not a whole lot more.

 

I've got to disagree a little bit with the guys today. Sure, if you're definitely getting a divorce, or if you already know the pertinent facts... continuing to investigate is damaging. It can become compulsive and can keep your emotions stirred up in a negative way.

 

But when you don't have ANY of the data... how can you make the best decisions for you and your family?

You can't fight what you can't see.

 

It pisses me off to no end to read stories from cheaters and stories from their adultery partners in which the betrayed spouse is DELIBERATELY gaslighted in order to grease the wheels for their crappy affair.

 

Here's "THE MASTER PLAN".... In order to simplify relationships with family and friends and in order to get the best settlement on financial matters and child custody, the adulterers will keep their affair on the "down-low" until AFTER the divorce is finalized. Then, they'll act like they just met and started dating. :sick:

 

And dude... you can go to the OM/OW forum and read tons of threads right now, and have no trouble at all confirming the fact that these people do it without hesitation. They don't even feel bad about it most of the time.

 

Why do they do it???? Think about it. Why go to all that bother?...

 

It's because they're PROTECTING themselves and their affair. And if they feel the need to "protect" it.... it's vulnerable.

IOW, there are weaknesses in it which YOU can exploit.

 

I think if I were you... I'd investigate until I had facts, and I'd keep my investigation quiet so as not to tip him off. If he's having an affair and he thinks you're on to him, he's likely to take that affair underground which will increase the difficulty level for you to attain evidence.

 

And evidence is important.

One, a cheater will lie until you rub the truth on their nose and make it impossible for him to lie any more. Should you attempt reconciliation, you're getting nowhere fast if your foundation is a tapestry of LIES.

And... Two, evidence of adultery can be a huge asset for YOU at settlement should this thing go to divorce court.

 

I would follow 2Sunny's advice about reverse look-up on the phone numbers. I'd contact my cell phone company for detail records, and I'd contact my bank and credit card companies for back statements. If he uses the home computer, I'd put a keylogger on it.

 

And then.... I'd act 'dumb as a stump' until I had enough evidence to turn over to an attorney and sue him for divorce on grounds. Once he knows you've got the trump card... he'll have no choice but to negotiate with you for either a fair divorce or an honest attempt at reconciliation.

 

Hey... it worked for me, it can work for you too.

[Gunny376]

Cheaters don't usually "fess up" until they feel like they HAVE to. If they do decide to tell the truth, they have a motive for it. Sometimes, it's because they want to repair the marriage and can't tolerate the guilt. Sometimes, it's because they figure if they lay it on the line, the betrayed spouse will finally let them go.

 

Even when you do get the confession... you're unlikely to get 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth' unless you're in the recovery phase. So, you might bust a guy for talking on the phone, and he'll admit that it's an inappropriate "friendship" or that they only had sex a couple of times... when all the while he's been telling her "his marriage is dead" and "he's only there for the children".

 

The point is... they usually only admit as much as they're busted with and not a whole lot more.

 

I've got to disagree a little bit with the guys today. Sure, if you're definitely getting a divorce, or if you already know the pertinent facts... continuing to investigate is damaging. It can become compulsive and can keep your emotions stirred up in a negative way.

 

But when you don't have ANY of the data... how can you make the best decisions for you and your family?

You can't fight what you can't see.

 

It pisses me off to no end to read stories from cheaters and stories from their adultery partners in which the betrayed spouse is DELIBERATELY gaslighted in order to grease the wheels for their crappy affair.

 

Here's "THE MASTER PLAN".... In order to simplify relationships with family and friends and in order to get the best settlement on financial matters and child custody, the adulterers will keep their affair on the "down-low" until AFTER the divorce is finalized. Then, they'll act like they just met and started dating. :sick:

 

And dude... you can go to the OM/OW forum and read tons of threads right now, and have no trouble at all confirming the fact that these people do it without hesitation. They don't even feel bad about it most of the time.

 

Why do they do it???? Think about it. Why go to all that bother?...

 

It's because they're PROTECTING themselves and their affair. And if they feel the need to "protect" it.... it's vulnerable.

IOW, there are weaknesses in it which YOU can exploit.

 

I think if I were you... I'd investigate until I had facts, and I'd keep my investigation quiet so as not to tip him off. If he's having an affair and he thinks you're on to him, he's likely to take that affair underground which will increase the difficulty level for you to attain evidence.

 

And evidence is important.

One, a cheater will lie until you rub the truth on their nose and make it impossible for him to lie any more. Should you attempt reconciliation, you're getting nowhere fast if your foundation is a tapestry of LIES.

And... Two, evidence of adultery can be a huge asset for YOU at settlement should this thing go to divorce court.

 

I would follow 2Sunny's advice about reverse look-up on the phone numbers. I'd contact my cell phone company for detail records, and I'd contact my bank and credit card companies for back statements. If he uses the home computer, I'd put a keylogger on it.

 

And then.... I'd act 'dumb as a stump' until I had enough evidence to turn over to an attorney and sue him for divorce on grounds. Once he knows you've got the trump card... he'll have no choice but to negotiate with you for either a fair divorce or an honest attempt at reconciliation.

 

Hey... it worked for me, it can work for you too.

 

Ok, I can go with this ~ just try and not to get too emotional about it, which you seem to have a good handle on ~ and exert some self control and self discipline over yourself and not allow yourself to get obssessive about it.

 

As for the lifestyle overwhelming him ~ that's fertile ground for an affair. Most affairs are fantasy based ~ an escape from the day to day reality of their lives.

[Ladyjane14]

So while we should have been pulling together (and re-hitching the harness, so to speak ) we've been pulling the wagon in different directions. Does this make sense?

 

It makes PERFECT sense.

I think this will likely turn out to be the leading cause for the marital problems.

 

Quick background, he abhors affairs as that's how his mother and father divorced - quite messily - and we've had friends who've had affairs and stuff. He's always been quite against them...

 

Don't let this mislead you. I don't want you to panic and embrace the idea that he MUST be cheating... but I don't think it's wise to ignore the possibility of it either. You'd be surprised at the number of adulterers and OM/OW who state in their very first post here at LS... "I never thought I'd do something like this. I was always so against cheating."

[ilmw]

It makes PERFECT sense.

I think this will likely turn out to be the leading cause for the marital problems.

 

 

 

Don't let this mislead you. I don't want you to panic and embrace the idea that he MUST be cheating... but I don't think it's wise to ignore the possibility of it either. You'd be surprised at the number of adulterers and OM/OW who state in their very first post here at LS... "I never thought I'd do something like this. I was always so against cheating."

 

I totally agree with you LJ... its just seemed she was convincing herself this is how it must be.. without.. any real evidence.

 

M3.. just go slow.. be smart...

[Trialbyfire]

Cheaters don't usually "fess up" until they feel like they HAVE to. If they do decide to tell the truth, they have a motive for it. Sometimes, it's because they want to repair the marriage and can't tolerate the guilt. Sometimes, it's because they figure if they lay it on the line, the betrayed spouse will finally let them go.

 

Even when you do get the confession... you're unlikely to get 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth' unless you're in the recovery phase. So, you might bust a guy for talking on the phone, and he'll admit that it's an inappropriate "friendship" or that they only had sex a couple of times... when all the while he's been telling her "his marriage is dead" and "he's only there for the children".

 

The point is... they usually only admit as much as they're busted with and not a whole lot more.

 

I've got to disagree a little bit with the guys today. Sure, if you're definitely getting a divorce, or if you already know the pertinent facts... continuing to investigate is damaging. It can become compulsive and can keep your emotions stirred up in a negative way.

 

But when you don't have ANY of the data... how can you make the best decisions for you and your family?

You can't fight what you can't see.

 

It pisses me off to no end to read stories from cheaters and stories from their adultery partners in which the betrayed spouse is DELIBERATELY gaslighted in order to grease the wheels for their crappy affair.

 

Here's "THE MASTER PLAN".... In order to simplify relationships with family and friends and in order to get the best settlement on financial matters and child custody, the adulterers will keep their affair on the "down-low" until AFTER the divorce is finalized. Then, they'll act like they just met and started dating. :sick:

 

And dude... you can go to the OM/OW forum and read tons of threads right now, and have no trouble at all confirming the fact that these people do it without hesitation. They don't even feel bad about it most of the time.

 

Why do they do it???? Think about it. Why go to all that bother?...

 

It's because they're PROTECTING themselves and their affair. And if they feel the need to "protect" it.... it's vulnerable.

IOW, there are weaknesses in it which YOU can exploit.

 

I think if I were you... I'd investigate until I had facts, and I'd keep my investigation quiet so as not to tip him off. If he's having an affair and he thinks you're on to him, he's likely to take that affair underground which will increase the difficulty level for you to attain evidence.

 

And evidence is important.

One, a cheater will lie until you rub the truth on their nose and make it impossible for him to lie any more. Should you attempt reconciliation, you're getting nowhere fast if your foundation is a tapestry of LIES.

And... Two, evidence of adultery can be a huge asset for YOU at settlement should this thing go to divorce court.

 

I would follow 2Sunny's advice about reverse look-up on the phone numbers. I'd contact my cell phone company for detail records, and I'd contact my bank and credit card companies for back statements. If he uses the home computer, I'd put a keylogger on it.

 

And then.... I'd act 'dumb as a stump' until I had enough evidence to turn over to an attorney and sue him for divorce on grounds. Once he knows you've got the trump card... he'll have no choice but to negotiate with you for either a fair divorce or an honest attempt at reconciliation.

 

Hey... it worked for me, it can work for you too.

 

Excellent advice, as well as the advice incorporated in the your next post about not getting too wrapped up in something that may or may not be true.

 

I went with my gut-feeling and started to check. Sure enough, it was true. But...never confront before you have hardcore evidence.

 

Keep in mind that sometimes affairs are only emotional affairs which haven't or will never evolve into the physical.

[mammax3]

I'm feeling a little denial right now. He just didn't seem to be the 'type' of guy who'd do this. (begs the question: who IS the type?! I know.)

 

Thanks LadyJane for all your input. I am remaining on the d/l until I see him on monday. And I'm beginning to put some plans into place and ideas of how I'd like his three days home to go. I really would like to see how his return goes and what he says. I'm going to go to the bookstore and see what I can find... IS it possible for him to come back? I know you can't actually answer. I just wish I knew if it was 'just emotional' or 'just for sex' or short term fling or what.

 

LJ: "It pisses me off to no end to read stories from cheaters and stories from their adultery partners in which the betrayed spouse is DELIBERATELY gaslighted in order to grease the wheels for their crappy affair. "

 

Thanks for clearing up my unasked "BS" question. What does this quote mean? What's gaslighted? I have checked out OM/OW but I'm having a hard time finding pertinent info, given I don't think this would have happend had he been home more - am I being naive? I can't check out his car for hair, or lack of kids toys, or drive by her place or look for hotel bills or frequesnt bathing since he's never home. All this is happening like, a thousand miles away. And I'm too pregnant to fly there myself. I'm thinking a PI. Any opinions about that?

 

Another question right now: I'd like to ask him not to return to work due to a family emergency - since this IS an emergency. And see what he says. His response would tell me a lot, I think, and I think it would send him a message too. What do you all think?? We'd be able to afford the lack of pay for a little while, and if not, sheesh, what's a week's pay vs our marriage?

[stillafool]

I definitely think there's a chance he will come back to you. You said the two of you were as tight as can be and you're 8 months pregnant. Maybe because the guy hasn't had sex he's half crazy right now. I say even if he is cheating, after the baby is born and you are back to you again, he will want his family back. Listen to Ladyjane, she has some excellent thoughts on this too. You seem to be handling this very well by not getting too emotional.

[Ladyjane14]

IS it possible for him to come back? I know you can't actually answer. I just wish I knew if it was 'just emotional' or 'just for sex' or short term fling or what.

 

Sure, it's possible. Lots of marriages recover from infidelity and all sorts of other problems. It takes alot of work and alot of commitment... but it's definitely do-able.

 

Now, as far as "emotional" vs. "sexual" in terms of affairs... if it's just a sex partner, I can't imagine that's much impetus for a man to leave his family. Usually, it's the emotional elements of an affair that causes a person to be able to rationalize going that far, especially when that person has a history of being very much opposed to infidelity.

 

What's gaslighted? [/i]

 

"Gaslighted" is when a person deliberately makes somebody crazy. The victim knows there's something going on, but they're unable to prove it.

 

It's a horrible thing when all the pieces of the puzzle are right there in front of you except for the one lousy piece that allows you to make sense of the picture. The adulterer's stance is often, "What she doesn't know, won't hurt her".

But in reality, on an intuitive level the betrayed spouse already knows enough to drive her nuts. She just can't prove it or make sense of it or ADDRESS it. She's helpless. Her house is on FIRE but she can't see the flames.

 

I'm thinking a PI. Any opinions about that?

 

They're expensive. I think if I were you, I'd sift the paper trail for a while.

 

I'd like to ask him not to return to work due to a family emergency - since this IS an emergency. And see what he says. His response would tell me a lot, I think, and I think it would send him a message too. What do you all think?? We'd be able to afford the lack of pay for a little while, and if not, sheesh, what's a week's pay vs our marriage?

 

I don't think you can draw any definite conclusions from his response on that. If he says it's a bad time at work... it might just be a bad time at work.

 

But still it's a good idea if for no other reason that the fact that you two could really use the time together to address the crisis in the marriage. Don't bring up other women or cheating. Don't tip your hand and act all suspicious without hard evidence. Talk to him from the standpoint of what's best for your family and what's best for you as a couple instead.

[annabelle75]

As far as an OW. Until you're absolutely sure...say nothing! At this point pull back from him a bit. Don't ask questions, don't get clingy, start prepping yourself for whatever comes. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself stronger than the situation, stronger than him. Have patience like crazy. I don't even know if it's worth the stress to do the detective work..

 

I tell you all this because when those things started happening to me...when I was suspicious..when I was snooping...when my wife started asking for space and complaining that I was to 'clingy', I made the hang up calls to the mystery numbers... my actions likely helped push her out the door in no time. What might have been an idea or fling may well have been pushed further by my weakness. It creates the us against him/her mentality for the affair couple and brings them closer together.

 

Good luck..

 

I don't agree with this at all. The fact that he has suddenly decided to walk away from his pregnant wife with next to no explanation why, gives her the right to ask. This is not a time for playing games. She has every right to be suspicious and has a right to know. This not a situation where he is asking for space "to figure stuff out," he has already stated that he is leaving the marriage.

 

What's the worse that could happen? He'll be offended? When he made the choice to leave, he opened himself up to this kind of scrutiny.

[mammax3]

Well, i had emailed him a Q and his response was that he wants to leave. I'm just waiting until monday to see if he has the kahoonas to say it to me. otherwise, i'm just going to wait and see.

 

my mum is appalled that i'd want to keep the relationship (Do you want a man like this to raise your children??) and although she sees that it's due to the absense, she thinks this behaviour/careless side of him would have come out eventually, and maybe it's best for the kids.

 

I don't know what I think. I can kind of agree with her, she also thinks he's shallow and superficial and can't emotionally connect with anyone. And trust me, she's not just saying that because of the last 2 weeks. I just always thought it was different with me, since we were so tight. But overall I think she's right - and it's a sentiment that;s been expressed by others. So why do I want to stay with him? Maybe I'm scared to do parenting alone, or I'm too stubborn to believe that the last 10 years with this man has been brought to this... Although I do have 2.75 terrific children, and maybe that's all our marriage was supposed to bring.

 

Is it too early to wax philosophical? I suppose I should wait until I hear from him... I am intensly curious to see what the <bleep> he could possibly say to me.

 

And what you see here folks, is really how I'm doing. I seem to be okay in these early stages - which is NOT to say that I haven't been crying on and off all day, and all week... But there's more than just me here and I really do need to make sure my babies are okay and well cared for. Sigh. Poor little cuties.

[mammax3]

I'm so glad that you are all here for me to think to.

 

I've done some beginning reading on marriage builders (thanks for the suggestion!) and I want to keep the marriage. I'm feeling quite behind the 8 ball and like i don't have the upper hand. She sees him the most and they've already established their loving give and take, whereas he and I would need to try and rebuild that on 1/4 of the time they have together... and he says he doesn't even want to... <<gulp>> Do I have hope?

 

I have 3 days to try (?) and convince him not to leave and I'm unsure how to do that. I've also xposted in Infidelity...

 

I think he still loves me and the kids, but is too addicted to this other woman to see it as what it will do for us. I also imagine she's whispering in his ear to leave us or she'll leave (maybe i shouldn't imagine..)

[mammax3]

Ok. I've decided.

 

I'm going to find out what he'd like to say about our marriage (maybe he'll even admit to the A? Haha) and I'll try and get a feel for him.

 

After the initial conversation,

At some point I'll tell him I know about her.

 

At some point I'll insist that we get counselling and he come home.

 

Maybe it'd help to hear from his friends and family how badly he's screwing up? (need advice in that regard, not that I can choose what his family and friends do or say, tho)

 

He's quite sure right now that he wants out - I don't think I can change his mind by pleading etc nor will any plans work while he's not at home. I'd like to go to a lawyer and find out how much it'd cost him, cuz that's something that'd snap him awake.