(mixed signal) friend needing "space"

[barbarella]

Okay, hope to keep this one short...it comes down to having a good guy friend (let's call him Bob) who I've kissed a couple of times, and who now needs "space"...

 

Started out as friends a while ago, part of a large group who hung out. Bob and I hung out together alone occasionally, I was dating someone else long distance (X). Things go on, I figure Bob likes me, I like him, I tell him, he friendzones me. In the meantime, everyone we meet casually thinks that we're dating - I tell him to correct his friends, he refuses to.

 

Couple of months later, I'm still dating X, Bob and I get very drunk and he admits that he's really liked me all the time (but I was still with X), we kiss all night (while drunk), we go our separate ways. The next morning we agree to be just friends, because he's really comfortable with us the way we are (although I do offer more).

 

Month or so after that, I'm still with X, Bob and I get drunk and make out again (he initiates). Nothing really happens after that, except that Bob starts treating me a bit like his girlfriend - making me dinner, cuddling while watching movies, the whole thing. I break it off with X for reasons having little to do with Bob.

 

Then we go away for a weekend with a group of friends. He tells me, while on this trip, that he's told a couple of strangers who ask that he and I have had "relations" (????). This kind of confuses me. We end up getting drunk and making out (again), and I finally have a drunk chat with him to say that he has to decide what he wants - friends or more? He says there's "someone else" and he's worried that I'm feeling more for him than he's feeling for me. I tell him that isn't happening. Of course, I'm totally lying. Then more cuddling, sitting close to me, hand holding - he initiates it all, I just sit back and let it happen.

 

We come back from our trip away - he starts ignoring me. I try calling him a couple of times, and it becomes clear that he is not speaking to me (and only me). He tells another close friend that he needs some time away from me to "get out of the habit" of thinking of me "in a certain way" - but he never tells me this directly. He actually hasn't spoken more than about 10 words to me in 3 weeks, and he is very careful to not be too close to me (mind you, we've only seen each other 2 times since then and in large groups only).

 

During the 3 weeks, I kiss (no tongue!) someone else in front of Bob while out at a club with friends (I didn't know that he was watching), and go out on one horrible date.

 

Tonight, I see him again at a house party with a couple of friends. Bob actively talks to them but not to me. I'm no longer hurt, I'm totally angry - he speaks to me as little as possible, but I catch him staring at me a couple of times - he doesn't look away, just smiles.

 

?????

 

I'm beyond confused. Do I get angry? Should I get over him? Is he playing me? I really like him, and he's up to this point been a great friend, but I'm so confused that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. If he wanted to friendzone me again, okay, but he's not talking to me - and I don't want to initiate any of those conversations anymore (I just get rejected every time). Should I just wait? Get mad at him? Is this just a pattern? (get drunk, make out, get rejected, Bob screws with my mind, get drunk)?

[monkey00]

your post sounds pretty comfusing, but it seems to me that both of you are screwing around with each other - the mental aspect. With all these mind games and mixed signals.

 

So what exactly do you want out of this?

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

There is nothing worse, in this scenario, than to keep chasing your tail and end up messing yourself in the head because of the mind games, Barbarella.

 

I believe you know exactly what you should do, but need a little encouragement.

 

My Advice: Stop. And think for a minute, Barbarella. Out of all the things you have done with Bob, in one way or another, did you show that you truly cared about him?

 

Answer. No. Do you care about him at all, more than a friend?

 

I think you should be more clear with your intentions. You should communicate with him and let him know how you feel -if you feel anything, that is. You are basically using him -and he, you.

 

Have a serious straight forward talk with him. He is just as confused as you are. He wants to feel that you actually care about him. From your story, Barbarella, you are all over the place in your love life. What do you want?

 

It seems to me that you are lowering yourself and standards to pick up mere scraps a man tosses your way. This is wrong and unhealthy. You can do better. If he doesn't communicate his intentions and feelings with you, then there is no point in sticking around. You move on.

 

On a side note, you might want to sit down with yourself and strategically figure out what you want from relationships and men, as a whole.

 

Sand&Water

[barbarella]

I just wanted to say thanks for this - I hadn't really thought what I wanted out of this, but I think I was also reacting to him rather than being clear about myself (and getting way too confused in the bargain).

 

We had a chat last night, and came to the agreement that just friends is fine (after some more space, though, for both of us). To be honest, I'm fine with this - I don't want to be with someone so able to mess with my mind (and apparently okay with messing with it). I also don't want to be with someone I mess with in turn. I'm not convinced that this is over for him, but it's certainly over for me (and that's all it takes, really) - I now feel like I'm back in control of this part of my life.