Massive Disappointment

[Guest]

I'm probably going to get a lot of negative feedback about how shallow this seems, but to me it's more about the fact that it seems to show how little my fiance knows me.

 

I am a great romantic. I always have been and when my fiance and I had been together for about two years he took me to Paris (the only romantic occassion he's ever made an effort for) well, as you can imagine I was over the moon and given we had talked about getting engaged...well, let's just say I rather stupidly got my hopes up. He didn't propose and I told myself off for being so ungrateful and that I should have appreciated being taken to Paris period! On the last night, when the realisation sank in he wasn't going to propose, I felt my mood sink a little and he asked me what was wrong, to which I made a little joke and told him "I thought you were going to propose!".

 

Then he told me that he was going to! and he had it all planned for our anniversary (which was two months away from then). He told me he had spent hours planning his proposal for our anniversary and he couldn't wait to see my face etc...

 

So I waited for our anniversary. Waiting for the proposal. Getting excited (after all, he had told me he had "big plans" for our engagement). I got the bus home from work, met him at home and then asked what we were doing that evening ie should I dress up etc. To which he played on his PS2 and simply told me to wear whatever I wanted and he was thinking about going to the pub for a bit then having an Indian takeaway. The night dragged on in our local and then I realised he wasn't going to propose and on the way home I couldn't stop the odd tear of disappointment. When he asked what was wrong, and I reminded him of what he had told me in Paris, his face dropped and he told me he had "forgotten" and "it was the last thing on his mind". FYI, we hadn't been through a rocky patch or work stresses or anything like that. We were happier than ever.

 

Finally, New Year's Eve, a friend tipped me off that he was finally going to propose. But not before he had gotten so blind drunk he couldn't see, started an arguement with me and then he did it. Absolutely smashed, arguementative and in the street outside the local pub, with a ring that I can't understand why he chose. It's just not my type of jewellery, yes it is cheap at £72.00, but it's an awful, nothingness of a style. I'm just so disappointed in everything.

 

Please help

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Proposing to you was the furthest from his mind, even after he said that he was going to propose on your anniversary? And then when he finally does propose, he does it in a drunken rage? Man this guy sounds like a real keeper

 

Unless he appologized to you shortly thereafter and amended his proposal, I don't think I would say yes!

[hardcase]

Well...when you told him in Paris that you thought he was gonna propose and he said he planned on it on your anniversary....I thought..now doesn't she feel like a heel.

 

But then he doesn't do it on your anniversary. If the man says he's gonna do something..then he needs to do it.

 

I think:

 

1) he is just an immature little boy that won't follow through with anything (playing PS2 when he is suppose to be planning a proposal..LOL)

 

or 2) something happened between Paris and your anniversary. Did you guys have a fight or something?

[Enema]

Sometimes when I'm planning something for my partner, if she asks about it or guesses what's going to happen when, it turns me off completely and I don't want to do it then as the surprise is ruined.

 

Not sure if that's the case, it sounds like there are other issues going on with this guy.

 

You seem really focused on huge romantic gestures and getting married. You can't expect him to be similarly on the same page, these things aren't important to rational people.

[Teddy and Jane]

After two years, you deserve to have a lovely proposal, decent ring, and soon after, set the date. Period.

Now....time for the "talk." You calmly and rationally sit him down and tell him that your goals of your life are to have marriage and start a family. If he is not intending to do that with you, and he has different goals, it is time for you to go your separate ways.

If he balks at that idea, and puts it off, or makes excuses, you have to be strong and say 'Good-bye.'

It seems like he is taking the whole proposal thing as a joke, with the crappy ring and the drunken stupor.

I would seriously consider if this is the kind of man I would want to marry.

There are great men out there if he isn't willing to be a man about it.

[rainfall]

After two years, you deserve to have a lovely proposal, decent ring, and soon after, set the date. Period.

Now....time for the "talk." You calmly and rationally sit him down and tell him that your goals of your life are to have marriage and start a family. If he is not intending to do that with you, and he has different goals, it is time for you to go your separate ways.

If he balks at that idea, and puts it off, or makes excuses, you have to be strong and say 'Good-bye.'

It seems like he is taking the whole proposal thing as a joke, with the crappy ring and the drunken stupor.

I would seriously consider if this is the kind of man I would want to marry.

There are great men out there if he isn't willing to be a man about it.

 

After only two years? Wow.....

Some people have a different time table of how long you should be with someone before marraige. Maybe when she asked him about it he kinda freaked because he isn't really ready for marriage and only said that he was gonna do it on the anniversary to buy him some time.

Now I am not saying what he did was right, but I don't think its a reason to end the relationship without at least talking to him and see whats going on.

[Teddy and Jane]

After only two years? Wow.....

Some people have a different time table of how long you should be with someone before marraige. Maybe when she asked him about it he kinda freaked because he isn't really ready for marriage and only said that he was gonna do it on the anniversary to buy him some time.

Now I am not saying what he did was right, but I don't think its a reason to end the relationship without at least talking to him and see whats going on.

 

It depends on their age. If she mid twenties' or later, why should she spend more years on a guy who will never give her what she wants, marriage. Yes, she needs to have a talk with him. If he's not ready now, he never will be.

[rainfall]

It depends on their age. If she mid twenties' or later, why should she spend more years on a guy who will never give her what she wants, marriage. Yes, she needs to have a talk with him. If he's not ready now, he never will be.

 

 

I gotta say I disagree. Just because someone doesn't want the 2.5 kids and marriage thing today doesn't mean they never will. Maybe he just doesn't ever wanna get married, but regardless she should talk to him.

[Enema]

Agree with rainfall.

 

Marriage isn't something you should rush into simply because your clock is ticking.

 

If things in the relationship are going great and the only perceived problem is that you're not married, it'd be foolish to split up.

[Teddy and Jane]

No, it's not. Two years is long enough, unless you're really young. He either is crazy about her and wants to marry her or he isn't that crazy about her and doesn't want to marry her. She needs to be upfront about what she wants, and if he doesn't want to give it to her, it's time for her to cut bait. Why should she be with him 5 years later with no marriage, no kids...if that is what she wants, that is what she wants so no, it would not be wise for her to stay with him if he doesn't want marriage and a family like she does. You have to be with someone who has the same goals longterm or it won't work. It just makes sense. If he really loves her, he will marry her. If not, it's best it end now.

Life is too short to waste on a guy who doesn't want what you want in life.

Plus he gave her a crappy ring. Give me a break. He's lead her on for a long time now, teasing with proposing, etc. then gets her a crappy ring. He didn't make any effort on the process of ring buying so it shows how much effort he'll put into really committing...a half-assed one.

[rainfall]

No, it's not. Two years is long enough, unless you're really young. He either is crazy about her and wants to marry her or he isn't that crazy about her and doesn't want to marry her. She needs to be upfront about what she wants, and if he doesn't want to give it to her, it's time for her to cut bait. Why should she be with him 5 years later with no marriage, no kids...if that is what she wants, that is what she wants so no, it would not be wise for her to stay with him if he doesn't want marriage and a family like she does. You have to be with someone who has the same goals longterm or it won't work. It just makes sense. If he really loves her, he will marry her. If not, it's best it end now.

Life is too short to waste on a guy who doesn't want what you want in life.

Plus he gave her a crappy ring. Give me a break. He's lead her on for a long time now, teasing with proposing, etc. then gets her a crappy ring. He didn't make any effort on the process of ring buying so it shows how much effort he'll put into really committing...a half-assed one.

 

Two years in not that long of time to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Why should he rush into something he is not ready for just to keep her? Why the rush for marriage why not enjoy dating and take the relationship as is?

[Teddy and Jane]

Getting engaged and married after two years of a relationship is not too soon. What, is she supposed to wait until she's 40 or something, then he says he doesn't want to get married?

He loves her or he doesn't.

It's all about wanting the same things. If he doesn't want to get married now, he never will be.

It's kind of sad women would think to hang around if she wants to get married and he keeps putting her off (not saying this is going to happen in the first place.) It's just catering to the guy, let him have his cake and eat it too, have the milk without buying the cow. Forget that.

It doesn't take two years to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, that is not rushing at all.

She needs to have the talk with him about what they want and move from there. If he wants to get married, he'd better be prepared to do so by a certain date, or he's not serious about it anyway and she's best to move on and quit wasting time with the guy. He's put her off enough. Plus it sounds like it's all a big joke to him, getting drunk, starting an argument with her...then proposing with a crappy ring? she needs to decide if she wants to be with a guy who would treat her and marriage so lightly.

[rainfall]

Getting engaged and married after two years of a relationship is not too soon. What, is she supposed to wait until she's 40 or something, then he says he doesn't want to get married?

He loves her or he doesn't.

It's all about wanting the same things. If he doesn't want to get married now, he never will be.

It's kind of sad women would think to hang around if she wants to get married and he keeps putting her off (not saying this is going to happen in the first place.) It's just catering to the guy, let him have his cake and eat it too, have the milk without buying the cow. Forget that.

It doesn't take two years to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, that is not rushing at all.

She needs to have the talk with him about what they want and move from there. If he wants to get married, he'd better be prepared to do so by a certain date, or he's not serious about it anyway and she's best to move on and quit wasting time with the guy. He's put her off enough. Plus it sounds like it's all a big joke to him, getting drunk, starting an argument with her...then proposing with a crappy ring? she needs to decide if she wants to be with a guy who would treat her and marriage so lightly.

 

If marraige is so important to her that she has to be married by x date then she should leave him and find someone who thinks like her. She needs to talk to him and see why he is acting this way. Maybe he just isn't ready for the whole marriage and 2.5 kids thing. See when he feels he *might* be ready.

Regardless of whether I think she is or is not rushing him, I do think she needs to sit him down and have a long talk about his actions and where he sees the relationship going and if they can't reach a compromise then they should break up.

[Teddy and Jane]

Absolutely, she needs to give him the "talk" soon. Yes, she really shouldn't settle for less than what she wants. If he doesn't love her enough for the ultimate commitment, then it is fair that she leave.

[rainfall]

Absolutely, she needs to give him the "talk" soon. Yes, she really shouldn't settle for less than what she wants. If he doesn't love her enough for the ultimate commitment, then it is fair that she leave.

 

Just because you don't want to marry someone does not mean you do not love them. What about the couples that choose not to get married but rather just to know that they want to be together forever? Are you saying they don't love each other?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Just because you don't want to marry someone does not mean you do not love them. What about the couples that choose not to get married but rather just to know that they want to be together forever? Are you saying they don't love each other?

 

Yes, but we are talking about this specific person. SHE does want to be married and has made that objective clear. I don't think she deserves to be criticized for that choice. To some people, marriage is a very powerful symbol of love and committment. To belittle their viewpoint is just as intolerant as criticizing couples who choose to forgo marriage but remain in a committed relationship. Since marriage and a proposal are important to HER, she should find out whether her boyfriend shares her values.

 

I might add, that although two years may not seem enough time to know whether or not someone is right for you, why would 3 or 4 or 5 more years make a substantial difference? I have seen relationships that have been in the dating stage for 7 years only to end in break-ups. From a woman's point of view, it seems that most of the problems that led to the breakup could have been identified early on if a discussion about the future was had. I think sometimes there is a tendency to bury underlying issues, pretend its fine the way things are, in a futile hope that the relationship will lead to marriage. I have seen men and women fuel this with phrases like, "We'll get engaged when the time is right" (vague), "Just let me get settled at my job first" (could take years!), "why should things change? they are great the way they are" (if someone brings up change, that means that things aren't as great as you think, someone is unhappy), etc.

 

Bottom line: If you want to get married and he's shying away from the issue, he probably isn't ready for that committment yet. You can either wait and hope he changes his mind (if you do, set a mental date to walk by) or leave him and try again with someone who is looking for marital bliss. I wish you the best of luck, either way.

[rainfall]

Yes, but we are talking about this specific person. SHE does want to be married and has made that objective clear. I don't think she deserves to be criticized for that choice. To some people, marriage is a very powerful symbol of love and committment. To belittle their viewpoint is just as intolerant as criticizing couples who choose to forgo marriage but remain in a committed relationship. Since marriage and a proposal are important to HER, she should find out whether her boyfriend shares her values.

 

 

 

I never belittled her. I just said that maybe after only two years he isn't ready. If she doesn't want to wait for him to be ready then she needs to leave, but she shouldn't expect him to marry her before he is ready.

[CaterpillarGirl]

I never belittled her. I just said that maybe after only two years he isn't ready. If she doesn't want to wait for him to be ready then she needs to leave, but she shouldn't expect him to marry her before he is ready.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh towards you there. Personally, I think 2 years is enough time, but all that matter is what the people in the relationship think. If, as you point out, their opinions differ on this, I too think it is best they part now.

[Mirage222]

It depends on their age. If she mid twenties' or later, why should she spend more years on a guy who will never give her what she wants, marriage. Yes, she needs to have a talk with him. If he's not ready now, he never will be.

 

Because I am in this same situation with someone of almost 4 years .... he is not a moron like "Guests" boyfriend is and that is why next month when I leave him for good It will hurt like hell. But, he does not want to marry me and I want that so... I move on.

 

Guest, I don't know how old you are but you really do not need this guy in your future. He lacks respect for you and that sucks!! I would throw his tinker gum ball machine ring back at him and say see ya!

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

My two cents...

 

I was with a guy all throughout college (freshman until we were seniors)... we broke up. I was with a guy for four years after I graduated from college.... we broke up. I started dating a guy this past January and we were engaged by April. My point: stop wasting time with guys if there's no marriage in your future if marriage is what you want. Don't make my stupid mistakes. If you're in your upper twenties or thirties it doesn't take two or three or four years to know if you want to marry someone. My fiance and I knew right away.

[BeHappy]

that's so true. I wasted 10 year of my life with a jerk who does not know if he wants to marry me. In the end, we broke up. I think if they want to marry you, they know. You don't need to wait.

[Phoebe]

Just because you don't want to marry someone does not mean you do not love them. What about the couples that choose not to get married but rather just to know that they want to be together forever? Are you saying they don't love each other?

 

The problem though is when one person wants to get married and the other doesn't. It sounds like they need to have a serious talk about what they want in their future. It also sounds as though she's a bit of a romantic, he should have known this about her and pulled out all the stops for the engagement. He may love her, she may love him, but at the end of the day I think he already disappoints her and that's no way to start a marriage.

[justagirliegirl]

I think 2 years is plenty of time to know. Really what difference will another 3, 5 or 10 years make other than wasting her time.

 

She wants to get married. She has made that clear to him. That is what she wants and he knows that. If he has no intentions of doing so and is just stringing her along that is just wrong. Plenty of men seem to have No problem stringing a woman on for years and then marry the next girl 6 months after they meet.

 

It is ok if he isn't ready. He doesn't have to but it is unfair to make her stay with him waiting around for nothing.