More whining about husband & drugs

[Carbine]

Hey, I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive. I've read a few threads like this and I think you're in a better position than the others I've read about because a) you're not taking an authoritarian 'it's me or the drugs' stance. I think a lot of people liken drug use to infidelity, which is not the case at all. It doesn't mean that he loves you any less, or is any less committed to you, and b) he's being somewhat honest with you about his activities.

 

Firstly, his drug use is his problem and his choice. You don't know the full extent of the issues that lie behind his addiction, and if you interfere, believe me it will not help things. He doesn't have to involve you in these underlying issues and you shouldn't push to be involved. Having a family member/spouse there for support can be beneficial, but by you getting too close and trying to pull him out of his addiction then you run a fairly good risk of stuffing things up further.

 

You have to seperate your use from his. Focus on getting yourself clean first. You sound like you genuinely want to get clean, so I don't think it will be too hard. You can insist that he doesn't use in front of you, that's fair. By being clean, strong and getting on with your life you will set an example that will not go unnoticed.

 

At the end of the day, you can only look after yourself. If you chose to be in a relationship with him then you have to make allowances for his habits - good, bad and in between. Drug addiction is probably one of the more difficult things to have to deal with, but you can get through it by being strong within yourself, supportive and non-judgemental. One thing you need to realise is that until he's ready to ask for help, there's not much you can do. When he does reach out, there is all the professional help in place for him to rely on. This is not your job or your responsibility. You can be supportive but that's it. As much as you want to believe that you can get him through this, you can't. Drug addiction is convoluted by hundreds of issues and underlying factors which you do not have the training or resources to cope with. If you overstep the mark, you'll end up hurting both of you in the long run.

 

Good luck.

[dbtmarley]

You have been given some good feedback thus far, but I wanted to add one thing. If he has been using before you meant him then you truly do not know the real him. People married to addicts often complain that they do not know or want to be with the person they are sober. If he gets clean you may dislike that person as much as when he used. Essentially I am just saying you may not really even know this man due to his drug use.

[milvushina]

Hey, I know this is older but I had stopped reading this, and had no idea others had commented till late June! Marley said

 

"If he gets clean you may dislike that person as much as when he used. ."

 

That was another fear of mine. I would see him sober for two-three weeks at a time and loved his company; then the binges, and he would be, not mean, but real insensitive and snappy. But I did worry what effect going completely sober would have, would he turn out to be a repressed hard core Republican or something (kidding).

 

Anyway, he has improved by leaps and bounds. I think the catalyst was the "really bad weekend" I wrote about, I believe in April. Now he likes to take an anxiety pill on occasion, not every day, or binges. He told his friends he's no longer prescribed, which made them stop supplying him.

 

And the one friend, the girl, that I had such a problem with, I feel differently about now. She calls or visits once a month, not 4 times a week. They used to use coke and meth together, but my husband quit two years ago, and she's quit now. She has stopped showing up when I'm not home, and no longer trades pills with him. I've always liked her personality but now the problems I did have with her feel resolved.

 

I think it took the hubby a while to go from irresponsible, fairly depressed, bachelor who used a lot of stuff to a responsible man who wants to be clear headed, successful at work, treat his wife well and one day be a father. I am very proud of him. Where he is now is fine, like a person who likes to have some drinks every other weekend, except he doesn't drink.

 

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input. I was tired of what I had been putting up with and I was feeling discouraged about finding a good compromise. It was nice to be able to talk about it here. I'm glad things have gotten better, to our mutual satisfaction, and I really don't see us backsliding. We've worked too hard, on alcohol for me, and uppers and downers for him, smoking and even compulsive spending for both of us!

 

It feels good to update, especially if folks like DDL, RP, sb and Marley are interested in hearing it. Marley, your advice still lurks a bit in my mind. But I am 99% sure that won't be the case.

[sb129]

Hey M, so glad to hear that things are going so well.

Of course I am interested!

 

sb

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for the positive update, Milvushina. I'm glad that things are improving and that you are happier with the outcome. I hope both of you keep up the good work.