Emotional24 Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 What does it mean when a guy tells you he doesn't know what he wants? We've been together for about a year and a half and now he's telling me this! Do I get rid of him? How can I stay with someone who I know I want to be with but isn't sure about being with me now? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 When a guy tells you that, the very best thing to do is to listen and not second guess it. "I don't know what I want" means precisely that. After a year and a half, he isn't sure that this is the relationship he wants for the long term. I guess it comes down to a simple thing: do you want to settle for being Ms. Right Now, or do you want to break it off and take a chance that you could be someone's Ms. Right? You very well may be his Ms. Right, but it may take the threat of losing you before he really starts to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 You've been dating a year and a half...did the subject of exclusivity just come up recently? Or was there a point in time where you both decided to be exclusive? Not knowing what he wants could mean he isn't ready for committment. And he's had a year and a half of you, so if he doesn't want to committ now, he probably never will, and you should move on. You could wait around to see if he figures out "what he wants", but the more you do that, the more time your wasting when you could be getting to know someone new. If I was you, I would start seeing other people NOW. For one thing, maybe knowing your meeting other guys will force your BF to realize his true feelings about you. I don't want to upset or worry you, but there's a chance that your BF has met someone or other women that he'd like to date, forcing him to feel unsure about his relationship with you. Don't ask him if he's been cheating, just ask him if he's been thinking of seeing other people. If he says yes, then you really don't have a choice but to give him that option. And I suggest you should do the same at that point. You'll never know if the 2 of you date other people, only to realize how much you want to be together. But I think most of the time that it leads to breaking up, unfortunately. If he claims he doesn't want to see other people, yet you want an answer about what he wants, then tell him he needs to make a decision because you have the right to start seeing other people right now, since he is not fully dedicated to you (apparently). Try not to make it sound like a threat, just state it as a fact. You could give him a deadline (months, a year, whatever is appropriate for you) to decide what he wants by this time or this date, but some people turn their nose up at that, others happily abide by it. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Share Posted April 19, 2007 No...we've been exclusive the whole time. He's always been committed to us until now. He's not really happy with his life right now so maybe that has something to do with it? I also thought maybe someone else is on his mind and that's making him second guess his feelings for me but I don't know who or when that could happen. but you never know. I think i just need to cut my losses or at least make him realize he's lost me and hopefully it'll help him realize he doesn't want to lose me. But at the same time it shouldn't have gotten to this point. I know I deserve better. I'm just trying to be strong and see what he does. He needs to go out of his way now if he wants this to work. I know I don't want to start seeing anyone else at the moment. I'm not ready. I haven't been single in a while so if anything, that's what I need to be for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 If there are things in his life that are keeping him from being more committed, I'd think he would let you know. You could always ask him. But it sounds like you are a strong person and as though what he's doing isn't up to par with you, almost like you've made your mind up and want to move on. You should tell him what you said about "going out of his way if he wants it to work". Tell him just that, and he'll either do that or he won't. If he doesn't, there's your answer. You probably feel that he deserves a little time to think things over, etc, which everyone does sometimes. But obviously your at a point where to need to know, or it wouldn't even be an issue. So consider this the turning point of which you will either stay together or you won't. But it sounds like you desire something better and more assuring anyway, so ya might as well get out there and start exploring! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 20, 2007 Author Share Posted April 20, 2007 I'm becoming so bitter with all of this. I don't know how i'll be able to stay with him if he decides to stay together. I'm always going to wonder if he really wants to be with me or not. And I've been looking back on our relationship and there are things about us that aren't what I want in a relationship and they haven't changed so why would they now? I'm just so angry. I'm not calling him. he will eventually...or if he never does, well that just shows me what kind of guy he is. But here he is avoiding me and the situation. That's how he is/was with everything. I hate it! And I hate the thought of him being with someone else too because I still want to be with him. I'm just so frustrated. I'm trying to keep busy and prepare myself for the worse in a way. I'm anticipating the moment he finally calls and to hear what he has to say...what I'm going to say. I figure the only way we won't break up(if he decides he still wants to be with me) is if he proves to me by going out of his way to show me I'm what he wants. I hate to say that because he should of never doubted it but I figure that'd be the only way I could accept him back in my life. Any other way, he needs to go. We need to break up. I know deep down I deserve better than this. I'll just feel better when the decision is clear and I can move forward... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted April 20, 2007 Share Posted April 20, 2007 It's good that you realize, that in reality, you have not even been the happiest you could be in this relationship. And you are disappointed and angry about it, I don't blame you. But perhaps it is no one's fault. Sometimes we realize these things too far into the game but it's always better now than later. Give him a chance, maybe even a few days, without calling him to see if he finally calls himself. At that point he's probably thought things over and may even know what he wants then. Whenever the conversation takes place, this is when you should tell him how you've been feeling about the relationship (what you said about looking back, etc.). Tell him that if he wants to stay with you, you need a HUGE sign of assurance from him..and if he's not up for it, he has to tell you that right now, and if he's not up for it, tell him it's time to call it a day. (in other words, break it off).. It seems you already anticipate that this might be happening, which is actually good. But have optimism about the situation...everything happens for a reason. Every new beginning comes from another beginning's end. I already think trying to work it out with him could just mean more frustration for you (even if he "goes out of his way"...) so maybe it's best to end this for your own benefit, so that you will feel free, and confident in the fact that you can and will be as happy that you want to be again. Link to post Share on other sites
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