But I just wanna

[strangeway]

Lying is wrong, I know. Its horrible, its unjust, I agree. HOWEVER....

 

I am tired of not having any friends because of my BF'S strict strictness....He is unbearably old fashioned, and yesssssss I knew this all along. HOWEVER.....

 

Part of his strictness is the unwillingness to allow me my friendships outside of our relationship. It never bothered me until I started actually coming out of my shell and forming friendships, which has been within the last year or so.

 

Basically, I am horribly embarrassed and slightly more than a bit agitated over having to make repeated excuses as to why I cannot hang out with them...I am surprised that I have even managed to keep a friendship this long, with all the bull I have fed them.

 

Okay, so the reason for this post is...I know lying is horrible and traumatic for all involved, but I just wanna....lie...and....tell my bf that I am at home slaving away but really I am out with a friend or friend(s)....

 

Would it really be horribly wrong?

 

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

[Island Girl]

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

 

Who suggests talking to him?!!

 

You need to get rid of him completely and get your life back.

 

If you don't you have no one to blame but yourself for your misery.

[Island Girl]

He is unbearably old fashioned,

 

And by the way -- this isn't "old fashioned". It is pathetic, controlling, abusive, and degrading behavior.

 

Your boyfriend is a complete loser.

[littlepiggy1]

Break up with him. He does sound like a control freak.

 

Find someone who will let you be yourself.

[lorr]

For goodness sakes can you not see that your boyfriend is being controlling and manipulative? If anything YOUR allowing him to behave this way towards you and he knows that he can get away with it.

 

Stop being a Stepford girlfriend and get rid of him.

[BeachBlonde]

Okay, so the reason for this post is...I know lying is horrible and traumatic for all involved, but I just wanna....lie...and....tell my bf that I am at home slaving away but really I am out with a friend or friend(s)....

 

Would it really be horribly wrong?

 

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

 

It would only be horribly wrong if you choose to stay with this guy. Since you've tried talking to him already, ask yourself: Do you really want to be with someone who cuts off your social contact so he can have you for himself? What's next, he won't let you talk to your family? This guy is controlling, and it's only going to get worse if you continue to stay with him.

 

My cousin had a bf who was like this....started out very controlling and posessive, then didn't "allow" her to have friends. Then, he had to drive her everywhere and didn't allow her to go anywhere without him. Unfortunately, they're back together together now. I don't know if he's changed, but I doubt it. I can't imagine being in a relationship where your SO controls your decisions.

[Jinxx]

I am tired of not having any friends because of my BF'S strict strictness....He is unbearably old fashioned, and yesssssss I knew this all along.

 

Old fashioned???? Nope -- he is a controlling insecure prick. Dump the jerk and find someone who allows you to be yourself.

[Art_Critic]

Check out the Using Isolation

 

http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Power%20and%20Control%20Wheel.htm

 

You are in an abusive controlling relationship.. You may not know this but in a normal relationship a partner doesn't use Isolation.. ever...that trait is found in abusive relationships

[nicki]

Everyone is right. Isolation is the tool of an abuser. Just the fact that you are walking around on eggshells and considering lying is enough to show you that YOUR behavior is wrong.

 

I was married to an abuser. I know all too well how this works. Right now, you won't leave him no matter what anyone says. But you should still look at your behavior and ask if it is normal and healthy.

 

HE is not making you stay away from friends. YOU are staying away from friends because you don't want to deal with the consequences from him. It's your ROLE in all of this.

 

Just be clear that YOU are doing this. Not him. You can tell him no. You can leave him if he can't handle it. You can stay with him and allow him to systematically destroy your sense of self.

 

Stay educated. ArtCritic posted a very good link. Keep telling yourself that you are in control of your choices, not him. One day, you will see that there is another way to live.

 

One day you will feel healthy and leave. How nice would it be to have a boyfriend who likes your friends, and enjoys time with them and your family? You will NEVER have that with this guy.

 

He will never change into someone better, like the guy you thought he was when you met him. Hope can be a dangerous thing because it can lead to inaction.

 

Stay educated and connected to your friends and family. They are a good barometer that he doesn't want you to have. Why is that do you think?

[AFarAwayPlace]

You're asking if lying would be wrong, yet he's doing major wrongs to you and doesn't care. He deserves nothing and as the others have said, you need to drop this guy.

[norajane]

I agree with everyone else - he is controlling and abusive in doing so.

 

But I'm guessing you won't consider leaving him?

 

Okay, so the reason for this post is...I know lying is horrible and traumatic for all involved, but I just wanna....lie...and....tell my bf that I am at home slaving away but really I am out with a friend or friend(s)....

 

I don't see why you need to lie. Why can't you just go out and be honest about it? So what if he doesn't want you to? What exactly is he going to do about it - what is the consequence of being upfront and telling him where you went and with whom? What are you afraid of?

 

You don't have to ask permission to go out with your friends, and you don't have to ask forgiveness for doing so. Just do what you want. It's your right to live how you want. If he can't handle you having a life of your own, he's not really the right man for you, is he?

 

Would it really be horribly wrong?

 

You would be hurting yourself by doing so - you would be turning yourself into a liar. That makes you untrustworthy. That fuels his anger and insecurity. That makes you the bad guy, which gives him a lot more ammunition to make you feel bad, through your own guilt.

 

It also means that you have to carry the burden of sneaking around and hiding, hoping he doesn't find out. That creates distance between you, which is a barrier to intimacy. Once you start doing that, then your relationship is on its way out.

 

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

 

If he can turn a deaf ear to you, why can't you turn a deaf ear to his demands that you have no friends? So what if he says you can't have friends? Why do you feel you have to mind what he says?

 

What are you afraid of?

[strangeway]

Whoa!! Alot of heaviness from all of your responses! I expected everyone to start ranting about how selfish I was thinking, and how horrible it was to even consider lying. I know, for the most part, most of us here are very pro-truth in relationships, myself included....just recently, I have started to think it might not be so bad to just.....lie...just a little....so I can have a little fun. I know, that sounds so very selfish even to me as I write these words...but..

 

Things have been so serious for me, and I feel like I am just on the sidelines watching my life pass me by....It never really bothered me before, until now...

 

 

You need to get rid of him completely and get your life back.

 

That serious, huh?? Is there any possible way I can just get rid of his behaviours instead of him???

 

 

You all have very good responses, which I will respond to in a bit....I dont think he is as bad as looks, so I will further explain. Maybe you all can help me out.

[Art_Critic]

.I dont think he is as bad as looks, so I will further explain. Maybe you all can help me out.

 

The problem I have strangeway is that Isolation or telling their SO who they can have as friends is ONLY found in abusive controlling relationships..

 

A normal relationship.. even one that has problems doesn't have the Isolation.. that in itself is a sign of the type of relationship you are in..

 

Take it for what it is worth.. but I think you should reevaluate what you want out of this relationship..

His behaviors will NOT change .. in fact they will continue to tighten around you..

[littlepiggy1]

I know, that sounds so very selfish even to me as I write these words...but..

 

You keep saying you think it is selfish of you, but don't you think he's being the selfish one by denying you the opportunity to have friends???

 

That serious, huh?? Is there any possible way I can just get rid of his behaviours instead of him???

 

You can't expect to change someone else. While you haven't exactly described him in great detail, it's not normal at all for someone to restrict someone else's behavior to the point of not being allowed to have friends.

[norajane]

I know, for the most part, most of us here are very pro-truth in relationships, myself included....just recently, I have started to think it might not be so bad to just.....lie...just a little....so I can have a little fun. I know, that sounds so very selfish even to me as I write these words...but..

 

It isn't selfish for you to want to have friends. I wish you'd stop worrying about how selfish you are being and take a good, hard look at HIS unreasonable behavior.

 

You should not have to lie to have a little fun. If you believe the only way to have a little fun is to lie about it, you have much, much bigger problems than lying. You have a bad relationship.

 

Again, why are you afraid to be honest and just go out with your friends without asking permission or beggin forgiveness? What do you think will happen if you go out and tell him about it?

[Art_Critic]

Try and remember that YOU are responsible for what you do and say and THEY are responsible for how they react to it.

[lorr]

Whoa!! Alot of heaviness from all of your responses! I expected everyone to start ranting about how selfish I was thinking, and how horrible it was to even consider lying. I know, for the most part, most of us here are very pro-truth in relationships, myself included....just recently, I have started to think it might not be so bad to just.....lie...just a little....so I can have a little fun. I know, that sounds so very selfish even to me as I write these words...but..

 

Things have been so serious for me, and I feel like I am just on the sidelines watching my life pass me by....It never really bothered me before, until now...

 

 

 

 

That serious, huh?? Is there any possible way I can just get rid of his behaviours instead of him???

 

 

You all have very good responses, which I will respond to in a bit....I dont think he is as bad as looks, so I will further explain. Maybe you all can help me out.

 

Are you being serious about getting rid of his behaviour instead of him?

What on earth makes you think that he's going to change the way he behaves towards you? Your partner should be making the effort with your friends instead of alienating you away from them, and now you have to resort to lying.

 

If you can't see this then somethings seriously wrong with you. Next thing you know he'll start telling you what to wear and what food to eat, and you still wouldn't get it.

[new_stella]

I think going out with the friends is not the only problem here.

 

I think this is the real problem:

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

You should be able to talk. Not lie, talk.

If you can’t talk to him about this basic need of yours, what can you talk about?

[strangeway]

If you can't see this then somethings seriously wrong with you. Next thing you know he'll start telling you what to wear and what food to eat, and you still wouldn't get it.

 

Ummm, Lorr? Who the hell are you to tell me what I would or would not get?? And furthermore, where do you get off suggesting that I am somehow deficient as a person? If you cant offer me advice without being condescending or mocking, then you can just piss off.

 

Now, let me explain first how he is, and then you guys can help me understand what is going on exactly.

 

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

His reason being that he is away from the house because he is working. Working on a future for us. He doesnt think it is fair that I am out while he is working. He thinks I should be working too. I do work. I work more than 40hrs a week. I just dont choose to have a second job like he does.

[Art_Critic]

What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

He sounds like a charming guy...

 

How long do you think you can take being treated in this manner before you set him straight ?

 

I would say that you need to relook at the link I posted earlier..

You are just sugar coating his abusive tendencies..

 

Peace to you strangeway..

I hope you work it out with him

[nicki]

Um, what you have described IS abusive behavior on my part.

 

I know what I'm talking about. This is how it starts. The abuser will always have a reason for his abusive behavior. A reason that sounds like he has YOUR best interests at heart, or at least a reason that sounds like he is a better person than you.

 

For instance,

 

"I was away from home because I was working. You were just out." He is trying to make you feel inferior. Of course you have every right to go out. You don't have to prove to him that you are doing something that is for a better good. He is maniupulating you.

 

My husband did this all the time. I heard the "I'm working for us." blah blah blah. If this guy was working for YOU BOTH, then he wouldn't be treating you like crap.

 

I know you will see it when you want to. Please consider that the only person on this thread that isn't seeing the whole picture is you.

 

Sorry, but denial won't help you. Clear seeing will. Express your anger to your boyfriend.

[Jinxx]

 

Ummm, Lorr? Who the hell are you to tell me what I would or would not get?? And furthermore, where do you get off suggesting that I am somehow deficient as a person? If you cant offer me advice without being condescending or mocking, then you can just piss off.

 

Now, let me explain first how he is, and then you guys can help me understand what is going on exactly.

 

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

His reason being that he is away from the house because he is working. Working on a future for us. He doesnt think it is fair that I am out while he is working. He thinks I should be working too. I do work. I work more than 40hrs a week. I just dont choose to have a second job like he does.

 

Strangeway -- you are in serious denial here. Get some IC. I don't think Lorr said anything offensive to you. The people here are only trying to help you see and realize what you're getting yourself into with this man -- only he is not a man by the way he is treating you.

[sb129]

Strangeway, everyone has valid points, and they are all saying the SAME thing.

 

Your BF has brainwashed you into thinking this is acceptable behaviour.

 

IT IS NOT.

 

Many great points have been made already on this thread.

 

I have been where you are now.

I kept thinking that I would put up with it, because being with SOMEONE was better than being alone. Wrong. wrong wrong.

 

When I finally found the strength to get out, it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders..

i have never looked back, and now I have a wonderful guy who loves me for who I am, and we are so secure in our R, we don't check up on eachother 24-7, and we are in a LDR. I have no idea where he is right now, but I don't care.

 

SW, come on mate. You have to ditch the guy.

[lorr]

 

Ummm, Lorr? Who the hell are you to tell me what I would or would not get?? And furthermore, where do you get off suggesting that I am somehow deficient as a person? If you cant offer me advice without being condescending or mocking, then you can just piss off.

 

Now, let me explain first how he is, and then you guys can help me understand what is going on exactly.

 

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

His reason being that he is away from the house because he is working. Working on a future for us. He doesnt think it is fair that I am out while he is working. He thinks I should be working too. I do work. I work more than 40hrs a week. I just dont choose to have a second job like he does.

 

Its funny that you've got the strength to tell me to piss off. So I think its best you save that sort of comment for him. Next time he's laying down the law about who you can and cannot visit, I hope you can muster up the strength and energy and tell him where to get off.

[sb129]

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me..

 

What is wrong with this picture?

 

Sheesh.