But I just wanna

[norajane]

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

That is his opinion. So what? First of all, you are neither a wife, nor a mother, so what you choose to do in your free time is your business. Yes, of course if you had a baby at home and were always running off to be with friends, that would be suspect. However, even with a child at home, there is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself every now and then.

 

And without children, there is certainly no reason you have to stay home and cook and clean all the time! How dirty is your house, for pete's sake? How much cleaning really needs to be done? And cooking? For whom? Like he can't make his own meals? He can't order a pizza?

 

Pay heed, because he is telling you exactly how things will be if you ever get married and have kids. He will demand that you chain yourself to the house for the rest of your life being his housekeeper and maid.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

If he wants to go out for four hours without you, so what? Let him. Big deal. This is nothing but an empty threat - empty because he won't do it, and empty because even if he did, it means nothing.

 

His reason being that he is away from the house because he is working. Working on a future for us. He doesnt think it is fair that I am out while he is working. He thinks I should be working too. I do work. I work more than 40hrs a week. I just dont choose to have a second job like he does.

 

He doesn't need a second job, does he? That is his choice. He could be coming home and spending time with you, taking you out to dinner, cultivating friendship both of you can enjoy. Life does not consist entirely of work. This is another thing you need to pay attention to - this is how he will be your whole relationship, and he will hold his work over your whole relationsihp.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with everyone else. He's manipulated you to suit his personal need to control and to take care of all his personal needs...period.

 

Watch out, it will only get worse. Get out...even better.

[strangeway]

First of all, I am sorry if I come across as a ignorant person lacking in braincells to some of you. I just came on here seeking advice. It didnt occur to me that it was necessarily abusive behaviour.

 

 

He doesn't need a second job, does he? That is his choice. He could be coming home and spending time with you, taking you out to dinner, cultivating friendship both of you can enjoy. Life does not consist entirely of work. This is another thing you need to pay attention to - this is how he will be your whole relationship, and he will hold his work over your whole relationsihp.

 

NJ, everything you said spoke to me. It just seems like giving up, after 3 years to just up and leave...But I will be carrying all of everyones words inside of me this weekend, as it will be a long one...I always hate weekends!!! Even when I am not alone, I feel alone.

[Art_Critic]

First of all, I am sorry if I come across as a ignorant person lacking in braincells to some of you.

 

Oh gosh no Strangeway.. That isn't the way I read you..

We are trying to help and not add misery to your issue..

[norajane]

NJ, everything you said spoke to me. It just seems like giving up, after 3 years to just up and leave...But I will be carrying all of everyones words inside of me this weekend, as it will be a long one...I always hate weekends!!! Even when I am not alone, I feel alone.

 

Why do you hate weekends? That's when you two spend time enjoying each other, or it should be. It's springtime! You two should be out bike riding or taking a picnic to the park, going out for a movie, or out to dinner, inviting friends to your home for dinner or drinks, hanging out and watching DVD's or listening to music and maybe cooking a meal together.

 

Don't you have any fun with this guy at all? Is this how you want your life to be?

 

It doesn't matter if you've spent 3 years with him. What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

[Salicious Crumb]

Lying is wrong, I know. Its horrible, its unjust, I agree. HOWEVER....

 

I am tired of not having any friends because of my BF'S strict strictness....He is unbearably old fashioned, and yesssssss I knew this all along. HOWEVER.....

 

Part of his strictness is the unwillingness to allow me my friendships outside of our relationship. It never bothered me until I started actually coming out of my shell and forming friendships, which has been within the last year or so.

 

Sounds like he has been burnt before by a GF that goes out with the friends and the friends are a bad influence.

 

Is that fair to you?...no. He should trust you until you give him a reason to not trust you.

 

But if what I say is the case and he thinks your friends will be a bad influence...I can sympathize a little. I was just the opposite. I have never been a strict husband. My wife had her friends and it didn't bother me that she went out with them...until her friends started covering for her whereabouts and asking her to go out with them more an more.

 

But that isn't your situation....or at least I hope it isn't.

 

Basically, I am horribly embarrassed and slightly more than a bit agitated over having to make repeated excuses as to why I cannot hang out with them...I am surprised that I have even managed to keep a friendship this long, with all the bull I have fed them.

 

Let me ask you this...what is your idea of "hanging out"? Is it going to the movies with your friends? shopping? going to a concert?

 

or is it going to nightclubs or bars?

 

Okay, so the reason for this post is...I know lying is horrible and traumatic for all involved, but I just wanna....lie...and....tell my bf that I am at home slaving away but really I am out with a friend or friend(s)....

 

Would it really be horribly wrong?

 

Yes...because if he finds out otherwise, you will have then given him a reason to not trust you. Not a good foot to start out with.

 

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

 

Then maybe he isn't the one for you. Has he ever said anything like, "you go out with your friends and we are through"?

 

Maybe you should just tell him you shouldn't be together.

 

Its up to you...but I do think it is unfair of him to not want you to see friends....unless the friends are male...then I could understand.

 

But it sounds like he has been burnt by gf's and over-influential friends..maybe you ought to ask him about that?

[littlepiggy1]

Now, let me explain first how he is, and then you guys can help me understand what is going on exactly.

 

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

His reason being that he is away from the house because he is working. Working on a future for us. He doesnt think it is fair that I am out while he is working. He thinks I should be working too. I do work. I work more than 40hrs a week. I just dont choose to have a second job like he does.

 

The guy sounds like a complete tool. Seriously, you can try to defend him or rationalize it all you want, but I don't think you're going to anyone on this forum to agree with you that the guy is anything but a tool.

 

You came here because you are unhappy and want to be able to have a life of your own. To do that and be truly happy, you must first cut the strings that bind you.

[sb129]

First of all, I am sorry if I come across as a ignorant person lacking in braincells to some of you. I just came on here seeking advice. It didnt occur to me that it was necessarily abusive behaviour. NJ, everything you said spoke to me. It just seems like giving up, after 3 years to just up and leave...But I will be carrying all of everyones words inside of me this weekend, as it will be a long one...I always hate weekends!!! Even when I am not alone, I feel alone.

 

Oh gosh no Strangeway.. That isn't the way I read you..

We are trying to help and not add misery to your issue..

 

I don't think you have any brain cells missing- how can I when I know EXACTLY what you are going thru. Its easier for me to see it now, when I was in your situation it took a long time for me to come to the realisation that I was in an abusive R. And I am a smart (??!!) educated woman. It can happen to anyone.

Three years is nothing compared to a lifetime of misery! How old are you? My guess is you still have loads more years ahead of you, so why waste them being unhappy and dreading the weekends???!!!

There are many people out there you could spend your life with that will make you happy (and when you ARE happy, you will look back on this time and wonder to yourself "what was I thinking??") you just need to go out and find them! Restricting yourself to the company of ONE person is very unhealthy... unfulfilling, and boring!!! Even the most loved up couples in the world need their own friends and interests!

 

NJ is a very wise woman, and articulates her opinions and advice beautifully.

Listen to her.

 

Don't you have any fun with this guy at all? Is this how you want your life to be?

 

It doesn't matter if you've spent 3 years with him. What matters is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

[Island Girl]

Things have been so serious for me, and I feel like I am just on the sidelines watching my life pass me by....It never really bothered me before, until now...

 

You are starting to see how far his isolation tactics have progressed.

 

It started small. Now it has snowballed.

 

 

That serious, huh?? Is there any possible way I can just get rid of his behaviours instead of him???

 

Hmmm. Let's see if he is willing to work on changing:

 

By the way, suggesting "talking to him" does not work in this scenario. I have, many many many (mutiply by at least 100) times but he turns a deaf ear to me.

 

I'd say from your answer --- no. There is no possible way to get rid of his behaviors instead of him.

 

Clearly talking to him has no effect. You've tried at least a hundred times by your own admission.

 

He "turns a deaf ear to you".

 

You all have very good responses, which I will respond to in a bit....I dont think he is as bad as looks, so I will further explain. Maybe you all can help me out.

 

You don't think so, huh? You talk -- he turns a deaf ear.

 

That means there is NO communication. Zero.

 

That is REALLY REALLY bad.

 

He never said "I forbid you to have friends". What he does do is imply that I will be unfit as a future wife, or mother if I were to go out with friends instead of staying home to clean or cook.

 

Apparently he does more than "imply".

 

Your words tell a different story:

 

I am tired of not having any friends because of my BF'S strict strictness

Part of his strictness is the unwillingness to allow me my friendships outside of our relationship

 

Using the words "unwillingness to allow" means he does a lot more than just imply these things.

 

Your actions speak volumes:

 

Basically, I am horribly embarrassed and slightly more than a bit agitated over having to make repeated excuses as to why I cannot hang out with them...I am surprised that I have even managed to keep a friendship this long, with all the bull I have fed them.

 

So here is where you have to be honest with yourself. How many times has this happened?

 

How many times have you made these excuses in the last year?

 

Why do you make excuses? Why do you not tell them how your boyfriend is? Because you are embarrassed?

 

Come on. Be honest at least with yourself. You know inside that this is abusive and would not be seen in a favorable light by others.

 

You know your friends would tell you not to put up with this behavior and to leave him.

 

Another thing he does is imply that if I decide to go out at lets say, 5:00pm while he is at work, and not come home until 9:30pm, which is before he comes home from work, then, at that point, when he comes home at 11:00pm, he will come home and go out for 4 and a half hours (the same time I went out while he was working) alone and without me.

 

Again -- he does more than imply. His actions are punishment.

 

He wasn't along with you because he was at work. You aren't along with him because he is attempting to punish you and leave you VERY alone so that you will think twice about doing it again.

 

This further isolates you and makes you even more dependent on HIM for human interaction.

 

His reason being that he is away from the house because he is working. Working on a future for us. He doesnt think it is fair that I am out while he is working. He thinks I should be working too. I do work. I work more than 40hrs a week. I just dont choose to have a second job like he does.

 

Again -- this is something that should be acceptable and he punishes you for not conforming to his way of thinking.

 

It didnt occur to me that it was necessarily abusive behaviour.

 

It often doesn't occur that behavior is abusive. It starts small and builds.

 

A man that beats his wife did not start out beating her -- it started with a slap and she stayed. It gets progressively worse all the while the man is convincing her it is her fault.

 

Like he does with isolating you.

 

Well, I hope it rings clearer now.

 

Here's a link, read the statements and answer truthfully, I think you'll see what everyone is trying to say very clearly to you:

 

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm

 

 

It just seems like giving up, after 3 years to just up and leave...

 

It is not giving up. STAYING is giving up. Giving up a life.

 

Leaving is embracing the life you could have with friends and supportive people surrounding you. You don't have that now.

 

I always hate weekends!!! Even when I am not alone, I feel alone.

 

Because he isolates you even when you are with him.

 

When you talk or have something to share -- he doesn't listen and there is no one else.

 

You are alone all the time. Because of him and this relationship.

 

Your friends would love to have you around. He doesn't -- he shuts you out, controls you, and manipulates you. When you speak you are talking to a wall.

 

Of course you feel alone. And this man that claims to care about you has orchestrated your situation and wants you to remain alone.

 

End it and embrace the world that wants to hear your voice and let's you be yourself.

[justanothermother]

I am with a control freak and have two kids by him... get out now. I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back to the point where you are and leave....

[strangeway]

Wow.....ALOT to think about.....Some of this stuff is pretty heavy, and while I consider myself to be intelligent, I just hadnt classified some of these things between him and I as abusive for some reason. Some of this stuff is obvious, but I guess I just got caught up in living every day, day to day, that my love for him allowed me to overlook the most obvious of things.

 

But, the thing is, most times when I tell him that so and so asked me to go out for lunch or dinner, he starts rattling off a list of things that need to be done, "so how could I possibly have time to go out" with all of these things still left undone?

 

He doesnt necessarily say no, and he is right, there are things that could be done in place of going out to eat with a friend, but it just freaking sucks having to stay home to do them. I try to stay ahead and on task, so everything gets done in time so I can have free time to spend with a friend, but it seems that it never gets done on time, and if it does, there is always more to do.....its soooo frustrating!

 

Its like he always finds that one little thing that wasnt done that still needs to be done...like he has radar for that one little thing!! So thats usually how I get stuck alone. If I would have finished earlier, maybe I could go out, but it seems that there is always more to do.

 

But if what I say is the case and he thinks your friends will be a bad influence...I can sympathize a little.

 

I could too, Salicious, but thats not the case with us. He knows one that I work with, and she has a good reputation, is intelligent, married, successful, etc....

 

Let me ask you this...what is your idea of "hanging out"? Is it going to the movies with your friends? shopping? going to a concert?

 

or is it going to nightclubs or bars?

 

My idea of hanging out is watching a movie and painting our nails, or cooking dinner, or having ice cream..maybe going shopping to buy clothes but I cant spend much because he likes to save money and its a pain having to itemize how much everything was with him, and besides shopping irritates me after a while....and its kind of embarrassing when she buys what she likes and I have to stick to the $5 and under rack!! ha ha ha!! But yea, just hanging out and laughing would be my idea of a good time.

 

Has he ever said anything like, "you go out with your friends and we are through"?

 

No, he has never said that.

 

 

 

Originally posted by Island Girl: So here is where you have to be honest with yourself. How many times has this happened?

 

How many times have you made these excuses in the last year?

 

Why do you make excuses? Why do you not tell them how your boyfriend is? Because you are embarrassed?

 

Come on. Be honest at least with yourself. You know inside that this is abusive and would not be seen in a favorable light by others.

 

You know your friends would tell you not to put up with this behavior and to leave him.

 

Honestly, In the last year I have made more than a few dozen excuses, to various friends and my cousin, who is my only family member. I dont tell them because I dont want them to get angry and fight my battles for me. Besides, they might agree, maybe at some point, they themselves have had lots of stuff to work on at home, and it is true, its not a lie...there is plenty of stuff I could be doing at home instead of blowing a whole night out and spending money on top of it.

 

So I guess there really is no happy medium for us then...

[littlepiggy1]

He doesnt necessarily say no, and he is right, there are things that could be done in place of going out to eat with a friend, but it just freaking sucks having to stay home to do them. I try to stay ahead and on task, so everything gets done in time so I can have free time to spend with a friend, but it seems that it never gets done on time, and if it does, there is always more to do.....its soooo frustrating!

 

Its like he always finds that one little thing that wasnt done that still needs to be done...like he has radar for that one little thing!! So thats usually how I get stuck alone. If I would have finished earlier, maybe I could go out, but it seems that there is always more to do.

 

It doesn't sound like it's about getting things done at all. The reason there is always "one more thing" is because he doesn't want you to go out and have a good time. It's his method of control. And you are falling for it hook line and sinker.

 

Honestly, why do you want to be with such an un-fun loving person? This guy sounds like a vampire, sucking the life and enjoyment of life right out of you.

 

In fact, he sounds exactly like my father. He's a man who spends all of his time working and/or doing some sort of labor and never takes time out to enjoy life. And he is reflective of this, because knowing him he seems to hate life. And if others around him (particulaly my mother) seem to be enjoying things too much, he gets angry over it.

 

Don't get sucked into that. Take time out and ENJOY yourself. Life is about balance. Yes there are times when we need to do chores, work, etc. But there are also times you need to relax and have fun. Otherwise, what is the point of living?

[strangeway]

Littlepiggy, I too think he is a workaholic. Thats the only time he feels happy, is when he works his azz off. It is what he enjoys. When I feel down sometimes, I think about worse things that he could enjoy, like drugs, drinking, porno, and prostitutes. Then I feel better. Thats a point he likes to bring up alot too.

 

His cure-all for problems and fights between us is taking me to a restaurant. Then everything is supposed to be better because he took me out to eat. It isnt. And I know that is selfish, because I rarely get to go out or do anything, and I should appreciate it, but eating out once every 2 or 3 months is starting not to cut it. Neither is him taking me out to eat every time we have a problem, as if just eating out magically makes the problem disappear. It doesnt.

 

 

Don't get sucked into that. Take time out and ENJOY yourself. Life is about balance. Yes there are times when we need to do chores, work, etc. But there are also times you need to relax and have fun. Otherwise, what is the point of living?

 

I agree, and I do want to take time out to enjoy things, but its like pulling teeth just to get to that point, to be able to have 5 minutes chore free, before i am up and running again.

[strangeway]

So I guess then, lying is not the answer....I knew it wasnt, but I am honestly getting burnt out with all of this, and at times I just want to rip my hair out. I couldnt see any way around this unless I flat out lie so I can take some time out to relax and have fun.

 

As most of you pointed out, I am letting him do this to me. I dont know. I guess I will try to just sort this out on my own, and hopefully I will come to a conclusion that will make both of us happy.

[norajane]

maybe going shopping to buy clothes but I cant spend much because he likes to save money and its a pain having to itemize how much everything was with him, and besides shopping irritates me after a while....and its kind of embarrassing when she buys what she likes and I have to stick to the $5 and under rack!!

 

Uh, didn't you say you had a job where you worked more than 40 hours a week? Why is he controlling how much of YOUR money YOU spend? Why does HE get to control how much YOU spend? Why are you giving him that control?

[sb129]

Strangeway, It sounds like you are realising just how bad the situation is.

 

I am sorry if out advice was harsh, but I can't bear the thought of anyone being in a R that is this abusive.

 

It IS abuse- emotional... and it can be just as damaging if not more than physical.

 

I don't think he will change.

 

Will you? Its a tough thing to do, and you will need to draw on all your strength to leave him, but I don't think you can realise your full potential as a loving human being as long as you stay in this R the way it is.

[Salicious Crumb]

I could too, Salicious, but thats not the case with us. He knows one that I work with, and she has a good reputation, is intelligent, married, successful, etc....

 

My idea of hanging out is watching a movie and painting our nails, or cooking dinner, or having ice cream..maybe going shopping to buy clothes but I cant spend much because he likes to save money and its a pain having to itemize how much everything was with him, and besides shopping irritates me after a while....and its kind of embarrassing when she buys what she likes and I have to stick to the $5 and under rack!! ha ha ha!! But yea, just hanging out and laughing would be my idea of a good time.

 

 

 

No, he has never said that.

 

.

 

Well then if that is all the case, then he needs to lighten up. He should trust until there is a reason to not trust...and he is being unreasonable.

 

Unless you are going out to nightclubs and coming home 3 or 4 am, or if your friends were the type that would encourage you to hook up with other guys...things like that...I can see....but this is clearly not the case with you by what you have said.

 

You might want to have a good talk with him and let him know that he might possibly drive you away....that is if you can have that conversation with him and you are considering leaving.

[Roadster Man]

It just seems like giving up, after 3 years to just up and leave...

 

Strangeway,

 

There's an economic theory called "cutting your losses" and not throwing good money after bad.

 

Let's take my old roadster. I don't NEED it, it's my hobby car. That and it's about 42 years old and fun. A little MG.

 

Every week it seems there's another little part that needs tinkering with, adjusting, or more often replacing. This week, some belts. Next week a flat tire, and soon after that I need a valve job.

 

Somehow this car I bought for 2 grand has now cost me about $8,000. Two weeks ago I installed a new engine, and now the transmission is making a bad noise.

 

There has to come a point where I look at things and say "ok, I have spent $10,000 for a vehicle that is not worth ths much, and at this rate I will have spent another 10 grand in another five years."

 

If I decide "now is the time to sell," then I will be "out" that eight grand that I "invested" in the machine, however I will stop throwing money and parts at the car, and have that money to spend on something more reliable, like a Miata or something.

 

If I decide "well, I"ve already put 8 grand in this, it would be a shame to just walk away from all that work I put into it, and a waste of all that money" that's fine, but I also have to accept the fact that I am going to continue to spend every other weekend covered in grease and lying down UNDER the car instead of looking through the windshield wiht the wind in my hair.

 

So I guess it comes down to this: Would you rather be a mechanic, or a driver?

 

I know it hurts to hear all this. I've been there too. Twice, actually. It is a VERY hard decision to make, especially once you realize that he's NOT right, but you are, and that you have the opportunity to take control of your life and DRIVE!

 

My time for that didn't come until last December. I have NEVER looked back, no matter how much I thought I loved her... I was tired of being told when I could go to the store, how long I could spend in the garage with my hobby, who I could talk to on the phone and for how long, and as they say, Etc.

 

Life is good... please listen to these folks here. I'm a new poster, but I've been lurking for about a year now, and if not for some advice I eavesread, I'd be lost on a lot of things.

 

RM