Friendship with your ex: Is it possible and how to deal with jealousy?

[djkensai]

Alright, first time post so I'll try to be concise (lol!).

 

I was the dumper in a 1.5 year relationship (ended early January). We got off on a bad foot (my fault) and it more or less doomed the relationship - we stuck it out so long because we really loved each other but her moods and my not being able to deal with/acknowledge my own problems (avoidance issues) made it a painful relationship, especially towards the end.

 

During the following 3 weeks of NC she was able to let go and I did my soul searching and genuinely sorted myself out. I wanted to give it another shot but she was not for it; fair enough, as I later found out she had a crush on someone else.

 

2 more weeks of NC and then I called her out of the blue after my friend died and I spent a few sleepless nights with a spinning head. She was great and comforted me and coincidentally was over the crush (a much older co-worker ). We started seeing each other as friends with pseudo-benefits (affection and sleeping over but no sex:o). Things were infinitely better than in our previous relationship but it soon became obvious I wanted more; I was about to call it off.

 

She is going to teach overseas in January (which I'm fully supportive of) so it's not like things were going to go anywhere for the long term at this point anyway. We hammered out some rules for an open relationship which we were both comfortable with and got on with things. I had to cope with not having anything in the long term but I (thought I) did it.

 

What followed was the best month we ever spent together. The time we spent together was great and eventually escalated to us seeing each other about five days out of the week. However, when she finally had the prospect of a casual sex relationship with someone else I got the jealousy.

 

I'll note now that in principle I have no problem with this; she's only 24 (to my 27) and should live a little before before heading overseas. I've met the guy twice and he seems like a safe dude. My problem is that no amount of rationalization and talking about it (we've been infinitely honest about things - something missing previously) can rid me of the jealousy.

 

What was so great about the past month is that we built a tremendous friendship that neither of us want to lose. But friendships don't work with jealousy. As soon as I felt it coming on I canceled what we had going and as it stands we're going to pass another few weeks of NC while we fill our lives with different things before resuming contact under different terms. We both really want this friendship and what I'm looking for is advice on how to kick this jealousy thing in the next few weeks.

 

One reason I got jealous is that by the end of the month I wanted more again - too much time spent together brought back feelings of wanting something long term, even though it was impossible. Disillusionment of the long-term is something I've dealt with before and already that pain is waning. On the other hand, letting my feelings for her mount again made me vulnerable when something new came up for her. Combined with some of the rules we set out meant I was going to be pushed out a little bit and it is/was hard to take.

 

So, have any of you managed to maintain friendships with exes? If so, how did you do it? How did you cope with jealousy?

 

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[NorCalDave]

Man, I am going through the same thing, and I recently made the decision to go complete NC.

I figure 1 1/2 - 2 months will be good before I show up at our church again.

And I definitely won't initiate conversation.

My ex is not thinking about dating anyone else, she actually told me she doesn't want to commit, date, or be touched by anyone. She's almost 49 (but still UNBELIEVABLY HOT) and getting hormonal too, so she's all over the place emotionally.

So, I am not TOO worried because she's not good relationship material and she's not looking to date, but if she WERE to start dating someone else, I wouldn't be able to handle being her friend.

NO WAY.

I already tried that with her 2 years ago and IT AIN'T FUN.

Seeing her, but knowing someone else was touching and kissing and f-ing her, is wayyy too much to handle for someone still in love.

 

My highschool sweetheart relationship ended 10 years ago and now for the past few years we've been totally cool as friends. She's getting married and I'm totally happy for her.

I honestly don't want more, even though she is totally beautiful and sexy. I'm just, over it.

 

I know if I can get over her, I can definitely get over this one.

It just takes the discipline of NC to do it.

And if my new ex really wants to try to get back into my life, she'll make the effort.

Otherwise, she's not worth it anyways, if she's not willing to fight for me.

[markus34]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]The truth is you have been fooling yourself. You cannot just stop being jealous, and your friendship is just an excuse for both of you to hold onto something you had before. If you want to really be her friend stop talking to her for six months. Than if you want, give her a call. You need to get over the relationship before you start think about having a friendship. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[LakesideDream]

I suppose it's "possible", I can't imagine why it would be worth the effort though.

[justagirlforever]

But friendships don't work with jealousy.

 

So, have any of you managed to maintain friendships with exes? If so, how did you do it? How did you cope with jealousy?

 

No - friendships with jealousy won't work.

 

It can and will only work if both parties have found their romantic closure. Else it will absolutely not work and just cause more pain and confusion.

 

If you can't let go, you shouldn't try to be friends until you've done so.

[djkensai]

I suppose it's "possible", I can't imagine why it would be worth the effort though.

 

It's an expected reaction but it goes a bit both ways. She said she wouldn't date someone if they weren't cool with us being friends. It's really something that we've built recently and both of us want to keep. A good friend for life is not something you want to throw away and I know there are other women out there who will make me happy romantically; what I want is not to have the year and a half back but to maintain the friendship we have.

 

The truth is you have been fooling yourself. You cannot just stop being jealous, and your friendship is just an excuse for both of you to hold onto something you had before. If you want to really be her friend stop talking to her for six months. Than if you want, give her a call. You need to get over the relationship before you start think about having a friendship.

 

Absolutely right but time is not on my side and so where does the six months figure come from?

 

No - friendships with jealousy won't work.

 

It can and will only work if both parties have found their romantic closure. Else it will absolutely not work and just cause more pain and confusion.

 

If you can't let go, you shouldn't try to be friends until you've done so.

 

Yeah, I see what you mean; it seems to be the standard response to this situation.

 

Consensus seems to be that even though it's casual and I have to let go anyway, there is no way to expedite the process - it either happens or it doesn't.

 

I'm still interested to hear stories of people that have tried to be friends with exes - what worked, what didn't and timelines.

 

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[Kwo-ne'-she]

So, have any of you managed to maintain friendships with exes? If so, how did you do it? How did you cope with jealousy?

 

=-_+=

 

Yes, I have managed to remain friends with an ex. Of course, it was only after some time had passed, and we were both "over" each other.

 

Jealousy only arises if you still have feelings for the person, which go beyond "just friends". If either person involved still wants more than friendship, it will be difficult to maintain a platonic type relationship. However, once both people have let go and moved on, it is possible to be friends.

[maryjane101]

Hey i know how you feel! I have recently gotten out of a relationship just like yours and now that hes seeing other girls it makes me jealous! I still want to be friends but it is hard seeing him with different women everyday. I think he's trying to make me jealous and it is working tremendously. I don't know how I can help you but I do know that in the mean time you should see other people and if that doesn't work for you and you can't find anyone for you then work on getting her back! Do everything in your power and if she tries to ignore you then do something she'll notice! Don't yell at her, talk to her sweetly and confort her! She'll know where your coming from! She'll know how you feel! Tell her that she is your life, the air that you breath, and the reason your alive is her. People think that most girls want to hear that but not all of them do. I wish I could be with you to help you through this time that your having right now, but you have to do your best on your own and become more intimite! Good luck to you and I hope you get the girl that's right for you!!!!!!

[foolweasel]

this is actually something i have a lot of experience with.. as i have stayed friends with all but one of my ex's.. and i've been through a recent breakup after a 5 year relationship, and fully expect the same result.

 

you have to go NC for a while.. a long time really. get past the feelings and emotions that are tied to the memories of the times you had together. 9 months at least.. if not more. it helps after you've started dating again.. because it's a bit easier to handle the shock that you might get when you found out she (or he) has started dating again. my previous longest relationship was 1 and a half years, and after about a year of separation.. we found ourselves hanging out again.. with no expectations of getting back together. here we are 10 years post-breakup.. and we talk almost daily. another ex of mine.. works at a restaurant that i frequent.. and we have a great friendship as well.

 

right now i'm in my second week of NC with my last relationship (was at almost a month.. but i forgot to change my address on one of my accounts).. and i'm waiting for everything to cool down before i re-initiate contact. you have to make absolutely sure you're not harboring any wants to get back together and that you've compartmentalized the good and bad memories of being in a relationship with that person. there's a lot of anger, guilt, and sadness between two people after a breakup.. and until those emotions have run their course.. there will always be a great amount of discomfort when you have to interact with them. it's best to let NC do the talking until you're completely over them. THEN.. once you're absolutely positively sure you're ready to be just friends with them.. you can try and re-initiate contact. don't be surprised if the other person isn't open to the idea.. they may still be dealing with it.. especially if you were the dumper. in fact.. if you were the dumper.. it's best to wait for them to initiate contact again.. but make sure it's only to be friends.

 

WARNING: if at any point you find yourself having feelings for that person again after you've moved into a friendship.. stop hanging out so much.. and refocus yourself on whatever is going on in life. unfortunately.. because of our memory.. there's always that little bit of "what if" that you ask yourself when you're hanging out with your ex.. so be careful of that.

 

i guess in a nutshell.. yes.. you can be friends with your ex. not immediately.. because even if you don't feel it's hurting you (which you're probably fooling yourself if it isn't).. it's going to hurt the other person when they need time to heal. NC is the best way to turn a relationship gone bad into a friendship.

[Icantletgo]

Please no friendship!!! REad my other posts to see what DEPRESSION really is.

 

Being friends with someone knowing full well that they don't love you back anymore is PAINFUL and actually torture.

 

I cry every night that I talk to him or see him cause I know he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. I cry whenever he goes out cause I'm paranoid he'll meet someone.

 

Trust me. Cut it off now. Or you'll be miserable like I am.

 

I finally cut things off w/ my ex yesterday (mostly his choice cause he said i was always getting upset and jealous) and I am completely heart broken again. But I know deep down it's for the best.

[markus34]

The six months Is an accurate representation of how long it will actually take you to get over the feelings you had for your ex. If you really want to have a friendship with your ex, than you really need the time apart without communication. If you want some quick and dirty algorithm on how to get over a broken relationship in two weeks, you are really fooling yourself. The only thing that helps is time. So my advice, tell your ex that you will call her in 6 months or so, and from there you can take up this friendship that you have developed.

[District]

the jealousy wont be there is youre really over it.

 

i'm best friends with my first bf. we've been friends for 10 years. but all my other exs i stay nc

[justagirlforever]

I'm still interested to hear stories of people that have tried to be friends with exes - what worked, what didn't and timelines.

 

If you do a search on some of my posts in the past couple of weeks, I've made a number of posts on this specific topic

 

But yes, I'm still friends with 2 of my 4 ex's. With the first of the two, it took me a good few months. Perhaps 6 or so I think. With the second one, it took all of 2 months (tops) to be completely "over" him from moving out. Though admittedly it did take 6 months from the first initial breakup, then going through therapy together, then fianlly breaking up and it took me a while to get my stuff organised and moved out. Despite originally thinking he was the one and only true love of my life and having lived together for 4 years. The max period of NC we had during this period was 2 weeks. It's just one of those things. You can't put a time-line on it. Every person deals with it in their own individual way.

 

But I know this: that for as long as either party holds any hope of ever getting back together again, you are not over that person and can not freely be friends.

[djkensai]

Justagirlforever you talk a lot of sense. Much thanks to you and everyone for posting and giving me food for thought. My personal litmus test for dealing with the situation is: if you would take him/her back then you must stay away.

 

I've had a bit of an epiphany recently: part of the reason I broke up with my gf in the first place was that I decided unequivocally to move back to Montreal in under 2 years' time. Recently, becoming more emotionally involved was undermining my resolve in this regard and causing me conflict and fear. Since this latest falling out I've rediscovered my motivation for moving back and remembered it is my destiny to be there regardless of who I'm with. I feel liberated.

 

I'm not rethinking the decision to go NC for a while, just saying it helps.

 

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