No Contact? I WISH I had that luxury!

[Sk8away]

I've been lurking here for months, scrolling through hundreds if not thousands of posts, hoping to find anything even remotely close to the weirdness I’ve gotten myself entangled in during the past year. So far, not one thread even comes close. Things have taken an unexpected term, and I'm struggling to cope with a situation I thought had finally been resolved. It’s taken me months to finally screw up the courage to get this off my chest, so here goes. Please feel free to weigh in with your thoughts, ideas and perspectives, if you like.

 

 

 

He was never a boyfriend, not even an ex-bf. We never dated, never slept together, never went out anywhere as a couple. We never shared a kiss or held hands. He was just a crush—a crush that became an unhealthy obsession, and now a situation has developed that makes it impossible to maintain NC with him.

 

This isn’t going to be short, so please bear with me.

 

I am a very attractive, high-energy and physically-fit 44-year-old woman living in a large city. Thanks to years of a healthy, active lifestyle, I look much younger than my years (I was a swimsuit model in my 20s and still remain a petite size 2) and people usually do a double-take when they learn my real age—they usually mistake me for early 30s. I have one successful career behind me and recently embarked on a second equally successful career. I am well-regarded and well-liked at work, by my neighbors, and by the people I do volunteer work with.

 

Last summer, I separated from my husband of 6 years. While he's a very good man, our marriage had been neglected for some time and he was/is in deep denial about dealing with our issues--one being our deplorable and almost non-existent sex life. My husband is 11 years younger than me and (ironically for me at least) this was the one area of our marriage that had sadly been going steadily downhill for years. My husband is a very attractive and very fit guy, but unfortunately years of sexual frustration led to me to losing my sexual attraction to him. We remain on friendly terms, but neither of us know if we can (or want to) go forward with our crumbling marriage.

 

I just want to add here that, while I have been sorely tempted many times during these “dry” years, I have never cheated. But last summer, I nearly slipped--and that's how I've ended up in this weird and uncomfortable situation.

 

The source of my current angst, who I'll refer to as "Heathcliffe" here, was dark, brooding and, I thought, heart-stoppingly beautiful. We were neighbors. I’d moved onto the floor above his several months before he actually “landed”on my radar. I vaguely recall seeing him around once or twice—in the elevator, perhaps, or at the grocery store around the corner. And I remember one morning sitting opposite from him across the aisle on the bus we both rode to work downtown. He didn’t make much of an impression on me, and yet I remember that incident very clearly.

 

But my indifference changed one warm evening last June. We happened to pass each other by three times on the same street—and each time our eyes locked. I could see the physical impact I was having on him. It was instant, mutual, pure animal-sex attraction.

 

After that, I started bumping into him everywhere and we'd exchange looks and smiles. I realized later that these “meetings” weren’t entirely accidental, and I was flattered and amused that he went through so much trouble to see me. I wondered why I never noticed how beautiful he was—he had perfect features, perfect skin and teeth, and his hair…his frame was slightly smaller than average (he later told me he was 5’9 but I think he’s a little shorter—but I’ve always been attracted to short men anyway). He was a bad dresser and wore lots of maroon (a color I hate), which I found amusing and even endearing. I also guessed he was much younger than me. But it was, after all, just a crush. Still, his sweet smiles and his way of looking deep into my eyes made my tummy flutter and gave me something to look forward to every day.

 

It was several weeks before Heathcliffe finally took the initiative and introduced himself one day as we walked home from the bus stop. He was tongue-tied and seemed shy, nervous and awkward, which I found endearing. The conversation never went much beyond his introducing himself and asking my name and asking what I did. I continued to see him around, Although I kept expecting him to, Heathcliffe never asked me out or asked for my phone number. My husband and I were living apart by this time and Heathcliffe never saw me with anyone. And until he moved out of my building, I never saw Heathcliffe with anyone either. He was always alone.

 

Once night, after not seeing him for two weeks, I bumped into Heathcliffe again outside our building. As the conversation warmed up, I told him I was curious about him because I always saw him by himself and I am attracted to solitary things. I asked him many questions about himself and was genuinely interested in his answers. When I suggested we meet on the roof in an hour and continue our conversation, he seemed delighted.

 

It was a lovely summer night, hot and balmy. Heathcliffe was already waiting when I arrived, nervously pacing the roof deck when I slipped out to join him. For the next four hours, the conversation was mainly a one-sided monologue about him. You could say the red flags were immediately flying, and I was quite surprised that someone—especially someone so obviously smitten—would reveal so many personal details of his life to someone he barely knows.

 

He told me that he was 26, that his parents had divorced when he was very young and how "rough" his childhood had been; how he didn't lose his virginity until he was 22 or 23; how he’d only had one girlfriend in his life so far, how he got engaged to her (the girl he lost his virginity to)h, how it ended after a year (I think), how, after the breakup, he "had some problems" (again, I didn't get a chance to ask but I assumed it meant he had a nervous breakdown or suffered major depression), how he'd had only one other unsatisfactory sexual encounter, how he’d recently been at a conference and a woman in the hotel bar started a conversation with him, how he’d tried to pick up this or that woman in the bar where he often went to eat his meals and how they’d rejected him and what they’d said; told me about a drunk woman in same bar who offered him a BJ one night (my b.s. sensor started beeping at this point, lol) and how disgusting he thought she was (WHY would a guy offer details like these to a woman he’s just met and is trying to impress?), told me about being rejected two months earlier for a job he really wanted and thought he would get and seemed angry and almost obsessive about not getting it (I told him that EVERYone gets rejected and that it’s not something you take personally). He told me he wanted to “help people” (in my experience, this was a statement I heard so often from people who needed “help” themselves that it became a red flag). Why don’t you volunteer? I asked him (something I do and get immense satisfaction from). I don’t think he even heard my suggestion, as he kept rambling on.

 

He asked my age (I never lie about it and told him) and was very surprised because he'd guessed I was in my low- to mid-thirties. He told me I was "very, very, very sexy," complimented my skater legs, told me I was very mysterious (I hate that crap and told him so—I’m way too candid to be much of a “mystery” for long) and wanted to know whether I had a boyfriend. I told him no, that I had a husband and that we were separated. That was the only and last time he ever asked me about my status.

 

During the last two hours, he sat very close to me, with his leg pressed against mine, and a couple of times I thought he was going to kiss me. I wasn't certain that I wanted that to happen at this point, because I’m too old to ignore the red flags—and this guy has raised quite a few by this time that told me he was very lonely, very needy, emotionally immature and had some deep-rooted issues. He certainly had a lot of baggage and a lot of insecurities—and those were things I really don’t want to deal with anymore.

 

And, because nothing is ever black and white, he was also a decent person, I thought, in spite of his issues. He doesn’t drink much, doesn’t smoke or do drugs, has a decent position at a large non-profit downtown, has (or at least I thought at that time) very nice manners and was pretty articulate.

 

And…I was VERY physically attracted to him. I wanted him to kiss me. But I wanted to process this barrage of information first before I let things move to the next level see. I wasn't looking for a "relationship" here--I was looking for a casual, no-strings attached thing, with no emotional drama. At age 24, this would have been unthinkable for me. But at 44, I am very confident and secure in myself, am comfortable with my sexuality and see nothing wrong with mutually consenting adults entering into a mutually satisfying and beneficial relationship. I'm also very attracted to guys much younger than me (26-33 range) and amazingly, they are very attracted to me too. I also find Heathcliffe's lack of experience tantalizing and refreshing—a new experience for both of us. gBut even though Heathcliffe was beautiful and yes, I wanted him in a very physical way, I was still cautious about getting involved with a potentially emotionally unstable person. And I didn’t want a one-night stand—just a brief and satisfying encounter.

 

I finally suggested it was time for us to go back down to our respective apartments and Heathcliffe hinted at me coming over to his apartment (I graciously declined). He asked if he could hug me (I said yes) and he held me in a very nice way for a long time. Afterward, I reached up and touched his cheek—a totally impromptu gesture—and said goodnight. Nothing was ever mentioned about getting together, or of future meetings. We just floated back to our separate apartments.

 

A week went by, then two. I hadn't seen Heathcliffe since The Night On The Roof. One Saturday afternoon, I grabbed a Frisbee, walked down to Heathcliffe's floor and knocked on his door. He wasn't home, so I ran back to my apartment, scribbled a hasty note asking him if he'd like to join me to play Frisbee in the park and jotting down my phone number. I stuck it in his doorjamb, then headed off to the beach.

 

He called me the following afternoon. He'd been out of town and had just gotten back. He apologized for missing out on Frisbee and asked me if I would meet him on the roof again later that night. Looking back, I wish I'd said I was busy.

 

I meet him at the appointed time and everything started off great. He starts by telling me how he’d cleaned his entire apartment right after he came home and found my note, and right before he called me—even the refrigerator. Then he kept saying, “This has been a really great day.” When I asked him why, he just kept smiling and repeating, “It was just a really great day.”

 

I'd been thinking about him nonstop for two weeks, weighing the pros and cons of taking things to the next step. He didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, didn't sleep around, didn't have a girlfriend, lived only one floor below me, was as attracted to me as I was to him. I was determined that we would share at least a first kiss that night, then move on to the inevitable slowly and unhurriedly, savoring every moment along the way. The conversation was going well until suddenly, he made a complete 180 and started to freak out on me.

 

”What are you looking for?” he asked--and I was taken aback by the abrupt change in the conversation and his tone. I told him that I'm not looking for anything--I'm just enjoying a beautiful summer night on the roof with him.

 

Then he starts rambling about how, if we had slept together the first night, he thinks "it would've been pretty good" (as if he would even know) but that it would have been only a one-night stand. He implied that I had tried to lure him into my apartment—and my jaw nearly dropped. HE had tried to lure ME to HIS apartment and I had turned him down! The idea of inviting him into my place would have been unthinkable and distasteful to me, since my husband had once shared it with me and it would’ve felt just plain wrong!

 

By now, I was beginning to feel offended. I asked Heathcliffe what he wanted, since he was the one who had invited me up to the roof that night. "I just want a friend that I could sit up here with and talk to once in a while," he replies (oh, fine, I thought, you mean you want someone to be your shrink and listen to YOUR problems all night). Then he whines that I'm older and more experienced than he is, and that he's "picky." I decide I've had enough--the night is ruined, the mood spoiled, how things went so wrong, I still don't know--and I was starting to get upset. I very calmly told Heathcliffe that he was out of line and had no right to talk to me like that. I wished him good night, turned on my heel and left, leaving him sitting alone on the roof. He never even tried to follow.

 

Back in the quiet safety of my apartment, I felt like someone had sucker punched me. What the hell just happened up there? I kept wondering. I replayed the evening over and over again, trying to figure out what I’d said that set him off. I was pretty sure I hadn’t said anything. I was completely baffled, angry and hurt by his behavior. I didn’t deserve to be talked to like that!

 

I didn't bump into Heathcliffe again until two days later, on the street. He acted cool, asked me how I was, and pretended like nothing had happened and I did the same. But I felt deflated.

 

The coolness continued for a few weeks, then I started bumping into him again, like old times. Only now he would alternate between smiling deeply into my eyes, being cold and curt, or totally blanking me altogether. Nothing was ever said again about that night on the roof. If we happened to be in the elevator together or waiting at the bus stop, he would act extremely uptight and uncomfortable.

 

The blanking started while we waited together at the bus stop in the mornings. If you have never experienced someone deliberately ignoring and blanking you for no apparent reason, let me tell you that it’s probably the most hurtful and disrespectful thing you can do to another human being. I have a warm and friendly nature and it’s almost inconceivable for me to behave like this to another, so when it first started, I naively assumed Heathcliffe really hadn’t seen me and actually went up to him and said hi. But his cool and barely friendly attitude quickly clued me in that his behavior wasn’t accidental at all. At first I was hurt and puzzled by this deliberate blanking. I ‘d never been anything but warm, friendly, empathetic and receptive toward this guy, so why was he blanking me? I hadn’t rejected him—in fact, it was more like he’d rejected ME, but I am a confident woman and would never hold that against anyone. I’d spent four hours on a roof mainly listening non-judgmentally to his litany of problems, shown genuine interest in him as a person, and given him lots of positive reinforcement. My woman’s intuition told me he was still tremendously attracted by me, and that that might also explained the hot part of this hot-and-cold behavior. But why was he suddenly acting like I was invisible?

 

In late August, I was sitting on the roof late one Friday night (I had been going up to the roof at night to ponder life months before I first invited Heathcliffe to join me) when HE suddenly shows up. He came over and waved hello. “What are YOU doing up here?” I asked him with a friendly smile. He mumbled something, and I asked him three times to repeat it, because I couldn’t hear what his answer was. “I’m not repeating it again!” he said angrily (funny how I heard him that time!) then stalked off to the other side of the roof and stared broodingly into the distance. After a while, I walked over and we started to talk. When I asked him why wasn’t he at one of the bars he told me he hangs out at on the weekends, he got upset again. “I wish I hadn’t told you that,” he groaned. “Now you think I hang out at bars.” He was very aloof, almost hostile, and his body language communicated “don’t come too close.” We talked about some mundane things (he was thinking of visiting Colorado and wanted to know if I’d been there) and I told him about my volunteer work (for once, he actually listened to ME talk). I had invited him to sit next to me on the roof. He complied, but he maintained his space and aloofness. After half an hour, he said, “I’m going back down.” I told him I had to go down too to switch my laundry. We walked down the two flights of stairs to my floor in silence. “Have a good night,” he told me as he left me on my floor and headed down to his.

 

We continued to bump into each other, and his behavior gradually became more cold than hot. I found that I was beginning to obsess over the reason for this and freaked out. Instinctively, I started to pull back: gradually changing my pattern so I didn’t have to run into him as much. When I did, contact was limited to "hi's" and a polite nod of the head and conversation kept as brief and impersonal as possible.

 

I need to backtrack for a second and mention the other weird behavior that had been going on since the second encounter on the roof. I started noticing he was hanging out in the park, directly across from our building, at night, looking up at the roof. Several times I observed him walking down the alley behind the building and turning to look up at the roof. As the days grew shorter, he began getting off at the next bus stop instead of his usual one because it allowed him to walk past the front of my building—and I would see him walking slowly by staring directly up at my apartment windows! He would ignore me at the bus stop and on the bus—but when we got off, he would walk slowly behind me (our offices are across the street from each other).

 

In October, we got off at the same bus stop together on the way to work and I could see Heathcliffe wavering between ignoring me and acknowledging me. I was in a good mood that morning so I smiled and said hi. We started talking and he immediately told me how he had a cold and wasn’t feeling well. I just happened to have some Chinese tea in my bag that I was bringing in for colleagues who were battling bronchitis and colds and I gave two of them to Heathcliffe and told him I hoped they would make him feel much better. “See you!” I said, gently squeezing his arm as we parted ways. He reacted to that immediately, and gave me such an expressive look that I had to look away.

 

He thanked me for the tea a month later, apologizing for not thanking me sooner because he hadn’t seen me around (this after he’d blanked me three or four more times since the tea day). That was the last time we actually spoke for the next few months. In the months that followed, Heathcliffe’s “avoidance” got weirder and weirder. He always looked depressed whenever I saw him and walked around with this tragic expression on his face. Sometimes, he would cross the street to avoid passing me. Sometimes I would be waiting at the bus stop and he would walk past me close enough to barely brush against me, but continue to pretend he didn’t see me. He began taking the freight elevator instead of the main elevator in our building. Once, right before Thanksgiving, he took a seat directly across from me on the bus and stared fixedly at a point just over my shoulder with this strange expression on his face. It weirded me out so much that I immediately got up and switched to a seat in front of the bus, where I could avoid looking at him.

 

The effect this behavior has/had on my peace of mind in the last six or seven months has really floored me. The bus incident must have triggered my “fight or flight” response because I went into super-extreme avoidance mode. I’m embarrassed to admit how far out of my way I went to avoid running into this guy. I dreaded taking the elevator in the morning and actually started leaving as much as an hour early just to avoid running into him between the apartment and the bus stop. I stopped going to the grocery store around the corner and shopped in a different neighborhood a mile away instead. I was always tense, always alert, always watching out for him, always ready to duck down a side street, pop into the dry cleaners, etc. Once, I even ducked into a Thai restaurant and ordered food I didn’t even feel like eating because I saw him two blocks away heading in my direction. I began to leave work 15 or 20 minutes early just so I could catch the earliest bus home (even though he usually didn’t leave his office until half an hour after I left mine).

 

I didn’t understand why I was acting this way. Something in his behavior had triggered some weird, painful reaction in me. The last time I felt/acted like this was after an extremely painful breakup with a dysfunctional boyfriend many years ago. In fact, even though nothing ever happened between us, it felt like I was going through a bad breakup and the accompanying withdrawal. It sounds crazy, I know, but it was (is) a very real and extremely uncomfortable situation for me.

 

He, too, seemed to be taking extreme and bizarre measure to avoid running into me (and yet I still saw him looking up at the lights in my window when he walked home from the bus stop). In the mornings, he would refuse to get on the bus if I got on it first and if I got on the bus after he did (never knowingly—the bus often waits a few minutes at the stop for late-comers to catch up) he would get off at the stop after ours just to avoid me.

 

The night before last Thanksgiving, I dreamed that Heathcliffe moved out of the building. I woke up feeling terribly sad but also realizing it was inevitable. It was obvious that he was really uncomfortable too. I remembered that he’d told me, back in July, that he’d just renewed his lease, so I guessed the move would probably take place in May or June. I wondered if I could last that long.

 

I managed to avoid running into him through the holidays. Then, one early January morning, the elevator stopped on his floor. He stepped inside in silence and he seemed tense and nervous. A girl from his floor got in (big sigh of relief!) and started asking him how he spent his New Year’s. He apparently spent it alone, and then spent New Year’s Day watching the game. This becomes more significant later. He and I never looked at or spoke to each other, and the ignoring game continued until the last day of February.

 

I had left work early that day, as usual, and was waiting at the bus stop. As usual, I had one eye peeled for a possible “chance encounter” even though I knew the odds were very unlikely (he’s been at that bus stop at the same time only one other time—the day he introduced himself to me). So after looking around and making sure the coast was clear, I relaxed and turned to watch the approaching buses.

 

Suddenly, I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye—Heathcliffe! Then he stepped in front of me with a nervous smile on his face. “Hi, how’ve you been?” he asked. “Fine,” I replied, at the same time telling myself that something was up. “How about you?”

 

Well, I guess it was the opening he needed. “I’m moving out of the building,” he said and then rambled on.”Oh, I felt it was time to move on, you know, and blah, blah, blah” – It sounds like he’s reading from a prepared script, I thought.

 

:"So are you moving to(name of city where the job he didn't get was)?”

“No, I’m staying in (our city),” he replied, still smiling.

“In (our neighborhood)?”

“Yes,” he replied, while acting very coy about where he actually lived and adding that he would still be able to take the Numbers X and XX buses (the Number X runs through both our neighborhoods). He also didn’t mention when he was moving, but I guessed it was probably the next day (March 1).

 

Suddenly, I was tired of playing 20 questions. What did I care where he was moving? And why am I talking to this guy after he’s been so rude to me? And WHY is he telling me after ignoring me all these months? Is he looking for a reaction or response of some kind? And where the hell did he come from? I’d looked around only a moment before and hadn't see him. I still don't know how he suddenly appeared out of thin air like that!

 

 

Suddenly, I started to feel weird again--the fight-or-flight response was kicking in. “Well, good luck,” I said abruptly and boarded my bus. He got on right behind me, to my surprise and rode in silence in a seat almost directly in front of me.

 

As the bus headed home, I tried to figure out the reason he’d decided to approach me to tell me he was moving out of the building, after he’d spent months avoiding me. Had he deliberately gone to the bus stop looking for me, knowing that I’d be waiting there at that specific time? I was convinced the uncomfortable situation between us was no small part of why he was moving out. Then how to explain his approaching me?

 

I also felt a mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness that a sweet crush had turned into an inexplicable nightmare—and relief that, finally, it would soon be over.

 

Suddenly, I didn’t want to get off at the same stop with Heathcliffe, didn’t want to exchange another word with him, didn’t want to walk into our building together. The sooner I could establish NC, the better. So I got off a mile before our normal bus stop and decided to walk the rest of the way home.

 

Up until now, I hadn’t told a soul about Heathcliff—out of embarrassment, mostly, but also because I didn’t know where to start. Now I dialed my closest female friend. “I need to talk…” I began.

 

For the next hour, I poured everything out, apologizing for not telling her sooner. Fortunately, she’s been through a lot herself, is kind and non-judgmental. She was very understanding--I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Suddenly, relief outweighed sadness—and I couldn’t wait for Heathcliffe to move out so I could put this whole uncomfortable situation behind me.

 

The next day, I called directory information and discovered that Heathcliffe’s phone service at his new address had been connected just that morning (his new place is exactly a mile away from my building). The building is owned by the same management company, and he apparently was allowed to break his lease early so he could move into another one of their buildings.

 

That night, I deliberately stayed out until almost 11 p.m., in case Heathcliffe was moving out that night. By March 2, I decided the coast was clear and started breathing easier again. By coincidence, I had scheduled a two-week vacation to begin a day later. By the time I return, I will have put all this behind me and it will be a new day, I promised myself. I decided to avoid taking the Number X bus entirely and also avoiding his office building just to prevent the likelihood of any more chance encounters. Now that he no longer lived in the building, it would be easy to avoid him. And I wanted absolutely no contact with this guy again, if I could avoid it.

 

The vacation was great, and it was the first time I’d truly unwinded in almost a year. After I returned, I was surprised to discover that I was still wary whenever the elevator door opened and that my eyes continued to scan the streets, keeping their vigil.

 

One week goes by, then two. I no longer leave my building an hour earlier than necessary in the mornings, I'm no longer afraid of the elevator door opening, and I’m making frequent trips to the corner grocery again. Life is beginning to feel normal again.

 

One evening three weeks after I'd returned, I was coming home when I spotted Heathcliffe walking down my street with a girl. It looked like they were holding hands, but I was too far away to tell. The moment Heathcliffe spotted me, he suddenly became very animated—laughing, smiling and looking into the girl’s eyes. What the…? I thought. The girl was dark and petite like myself and she looked attractive from a distance. I didn’t get a good look at her, but she looked familiar, and I assumed she was someone who lived in the building. Fortunately, they were leaving the building and I didn’t have to cross their paths. But I was in shock. Heathcliffe had apparently started dating someone in my building before he moved out.

 

A few mornings later, I was riding the Number XXX bus. At an intersection approximately halfway between my building and Heathcliffe’s where the Number XXX turns off, I spotted Heathcliffe at another stop,waiting for the Number One. I saw him before he saw me--and he was watching the buses as they turned into the intersection (it was a gloomy morning and the buses are well-lighted inside). As my bus inched its way into the intersection and waited for traffic to move, he immediately spotted me. Our eyes locked and we remained like that, expressionless, for almost a minute until finally I looked away and the bus began to move again. It was a weird experience, but what’s weirder is that Heathcliffe had walked more than half a mile in drizzly weather to reach that particular bus stop (the only one that my bus passes as it turns into the intersection), when two other downtown bus line run practically by his door!

 

Over the next couple of weeks, my suspicions were confirmed. Although I haven’t seen them together again, Heathcliffe has been here almost on a daily basis—going in and out of the building, etc. It looks like he rarely spends any time at his new apartment and goes straight from work to his new girlfriend’s place, apparently, because he’s always in his work clothes. Yep, and he’s right back ignoring me again.

 

I think it’s likely this is a new relationship because one, would he have given notice in January if he had already been seeing someone in the building and two, he obviously wasn’t hooked up over New Years and three, I never saw him with anyone, let alone this girl, until after he moved OUT.

 

So you see, he has moved out of my building, but I will still continue running into him—in the elevator, in the lobby, in the grocery store, on my street! No contact? I can only wish!

 

 

A week ago, he was returning to the building from the grocery store and saw me untying my bike in front of the building, First he looked right, then left, then up, then down (and if he could’ve swiveled his head 180, he would’ve done that too!) He looked everywhere but at me, and wore the most sheepish, almost guilty look on his face!

 

Suddenly, my feelings shifted. All I could feel toward him was anger, resentment and hostility. Why is he still around my building after he was in such a hurry to move out? Why is he ALWAYS at her place and never at his own? If he was dating this girl before he moved out, why did he bother to tell me he was moving out of the building when he knew he was going to be around all the time anyway? Wouldn’t that have been the perfect time to tell me that his new girlfriend lives in my building? And if he was so uncomfortable around me that he was going so far out of his way to avoid me, WHY IS HE GOING IN AND OUT SO OFTEN--AND DURING THE HOURS HE KNOWS HE’S MOST LIKELY TO RUN INTO ME?

 

Don’t get me wrong—he has a right to date anyone he wants and I have no grudges against his girlfriend (I don't get jealous of other women--and I’ve probably even spoken to her in the elevator, as I am very friendly and talk to everyone) but did he have to start dating someone in my building?! I feel like spitting on him and telling him what a loser he is every time I see him (I won't, of course--it's not my way and anyway, I'd probably only feel worse).

 

 

Now all the tension and irrational fears are back. I’m leaving earlier than usual in the mornings again, and I refuse to go to the corner grocery.

 

I am wondering if anyone else has found themselves in a similar situation and can share their experiences. And can anyone offer any insights into this guy’s behavior? Is this the normal way a 26 or 27 year old guy acts? I would’ve thought he would be just as eager to stay away from any reminders of me as I am of him. Could part of New Girl’s attraction for him be that she lives in the same building as me?

 

What I really dread is being in the elevator with Heathcliffe and his girlfriend, or encountering them in the neighborhood and having him introduce us (believe me, I think he’s squirrely enough to do something like that). Because I think blanking someone is disrespectable and unacceptable, I put Heathcliffe on ignore a long time ago (the incident at the bus stop caught me by surprise, and I am incredibly uncomfortable anyway with doing that to someone—I feel awful even though I believe I’m justified in doing it). What would I do in a situation like that? How do I handle this situation now? Moving out isn't an option until my lease is up in October.

 

 

Most of all, I just wanted to unburden myself here and see if putting it all down on paper would help me make some sense of it all. It hasn’t, really, but I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders just the same. Thanks for “listening” if you’ve gotten this far!

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not even going to try to figure out this situation but what might help to improve things is for you to move a distance away.

[ShoeGirl]

I don't know what to say about his behavior, very odd that's for sure. The fact that he started to invoke a fight or flight response in you should tell you something, to get away from him. When you start getting the fight or flight response what are you afraid of? Do you think he would hurt you?

 

When is your lease up? If it is up soon move into a different neighborhood, if it is not almost up can you possibly break it early and move to another of the company's buildings (assuming that they have more than the one you already live in and the one he now lives in)?

[Ssheena]

Wow... It would make it a lot easier for me if you could just take the novel you wrote and give me the cliff's notes versions.

 

WTF? The guy is a wacko and I would recommend not even giving him an iota more of your time or attention. All he does is talk about himself and he sounds to me like the textbook NPD (narcissist Personality Disorder)...

 

You are so much better off without having anything at all to do with him.

[sb129]

Why do you even care so much? That story was almost about nothing. Far too many irrelevant details.

I know it may seem like a big deal to you, but it really isn't. So you bump into someone you were attracted to.

You make it sound like he is stalking you. Maybe its a coincidence that he found the new girl in your building.

 

Nothing even happened between you, he sounds like an immature egotistical dickhead, if you play with fire (ie hit on men alot younger than you) then you shouldn't be surprised if you get burnt.

Yes 26- 27 year old men can be obsessed with sex, and themselves. There are exceptions obviously, but it sounds like this guy saw you, found you attractive (and really, did you need to go on about HOW hot you are?) and thought he would try his luck. What a great thing to brag to his buddies about if he boned a 44 year old hottie.

 

You played straight into his hands by encouraging him and touching him. Were you expecting something meaningful to happen? You should have walked away from the very beginning, and not even listened to his original litany about himself.

 

You are making this into a problem. I can't believe you are letting him get to you like this.

Rise above it, show your maturity, and ignore him.

Be the better person.

[AFarAwayPlace]

I enjoyed the read, didn't mind the length, it definitely helped to get a feel for the guy, after reading it all, I felt he has a mental disorder, bipolar comes to mind. I don't think anything you did differently would have effected the outcome, I think it's just him. Especially the part where he accused YOU or trying to lure HIM! WTF! It was clearly the other way around. Definitely read up about bipolar or even schizophrenia, either/or sound like something "Heathcliffe" may be affected by.

 

sb129, she didn't go on about how hot she is, I believe she mentioned being attractive once, twice? Also, she said she's been reading here for months and just wanted to unburden herself, your response feels like you're attacking her. I think you're wrong, the guy seems disturbed for sure and I'd be wondering the same things as Sk8away.

[sb129]

If she does that it just perpetuates the problem in her mind.

 

I think she should draw a line under it and thank her stars she didn't give into that "animal" attraction and have sex with him.

imagine what he would be up to if she had!!

 

If it is THAT bad, report him to the cops, or move.

[sb129]

Ok, so attack me then. I am not "wrong" its just my perception of the story.

 

I am a very attractive, high-energy and physically-fit 44-year-old woman living in a large city. Thanks to years of a healthy, active lifestyle, I look much younger than my years (I was a swimsuit model in my 20s and still remain a petite size 2) and people usually do a double-take when they learn my real age—they usually mistake me for early 30s. I have one successful career behind me and recently embarked on a second equally successful career. I am well-regarded and well-liked at work, by my neighbors, and by the people I do volunteer work with.

Ok great, but do we really need to know such details? I look good for my age would have sufficed. The above paragraph to me comes across as conceited and boastful, and doesn't endear me to the OP.

 

 

The thing that I find wierd is that this is SUCH a long post about something relatively minor. The woman has been thru a divorce, which was skimmed over yet she devotes paragraphs and paragraphs to some nutter who lived her building who she misread, and now bumps into alot. So he has mental health problems (you think). So what? He is entitled to live his life.

 

She needs to stop obsessing over this, ignore him, forget him and move on.- or if it IS GENUINE stalker-like behaviour, get a restraining order.

Its not that complicated.

 

Perspective anyone?

 

Next thing we know Heathcliffe will be being compared to Mr Cho, and everyone will be running for the hills.

 

Note to OP: I know you are new to LS, but long, ultra (unnecessarily) detailed posts like that will get you fewer responses. Speaking from experience.

[Trialbyfire]

I think there's some strange obsessive behaviour going on here. Strong mixed signals cause strange reactions. It's almost high school. "I don't want him to know I find him very attractive".

 

He obviously knows that you find or found him attractive. You pulled him hard and then pushed him away, still being friendly. Since he appears to be an immature guy (self-centered), it would only makes sense to someone like that, that it's all about him, probably thinking that you are obsessed with him, hence the deliberate ignoring and the girlfriend.

 

End result of this whole thing, major drama over something insignificant.

 

Move away somewhere, where you don't have contact with him. It might help to sever this obsessive behaviour, whether it's only from your side or both of you. Mind games bring more mind games.

[Ssheena]

I seriously thought/think this was just an story as it is written as such. "our eyes locked" etc., etc. reminds me of fan fiction.

 

I too, thought the OP went way more into detail about how she looks etc. The whole thing is way to contrived to be "real" to me.

 

However, it very well could be, I'd like to see Sk8away respond to what we have written.

 

(my BS detector is on high though).

[Dubb]

I seriously thought/think this was just an story as it is written as such. "our eyes locked" etc., etc. reminds me of fan fiction.

 

I too, thought the OP went way more into detail about how she looks etc. The whole thing is way to contrived to be "real" to me.

 

However, it very well could be, I'd like to see Sk8away respond to what we have written.

 

(my BS detector is on high though).

 

I was thinking that also but sometimes people play situations so many times over in their head in hopes the can make sense of it all. When it comes time to tell the story to others they feel that every detail does matter.

[Lukkyu]

It could be BS, but some how I doubt it. If true, I would call the cops and file a restraining order, dude sounds like a serial killer.

[sb129]

I seriously thought/think this was just an story as it is written as such. "our eyes locked" etc., etc. reminds me of fan fiction.

 

I too, thought the OP went way more into detail about how she looks etc. The whole thing is way to contrived to be "real" to me.

 

However, it very well could be, I'd like to see Sk8away respond to what we have written.

 

(my BS detector is on high though).

 

Me too.

I got sucked in by BBG's flowery descriptive prose initially, so anything as well written as the above story (and its extensive details) sets my radar going.

 

 

I also have an issue with the OP calling no contact a "luxury".

 

It isn't a "luxury" to the hundreds of people on LS who are going thru NC. Its a very very painful and difficult part of a breakup.

Some people on here are really struggling with NC, so don't devalue it by calling it a luxury.

And comparing your situation with that of an actual breakup of a bona fide relationship is generous to say the least.

[woe_is_me]

you're 44 .. he is 26 or 27...? What are you thinking!?

 

And your husband is 11 years younger also?

 

Hmmm.. you should probably get some counselling.

 

oh..and a car might be handy.

[Island Girl]

I got sucked in by BBG's flowery descriptive prose initially, so anything as well written as the above story (and its extensive details) sets my radar going.

 

Who is BBG...?

 

---

 

It was well written - love the name -- Wuthering Heights is a favorite of mine.

 

Anyway,

 

This guy has serious issues. He has been flipping around so much.

 

He may be capable of a lot as his complete denial of seeing you occasion after occasion even when he has been close enough to brush past you.

 

He is a creep. Your radar for red flags was right on and I am shocked you didn't drop contact right after the initial time on the roof.

 

His behavior is not normal for anyone - male or female no matter their age.

 

Stay away from him every way you can. If you find yourself compromising so much (it sounds like you already are) MOVE. Because it doesn't matter where he lives - as long as he knows where you live it is a problem.

 

Document his behavior (even a journal entry of time date and activity counts) and if you move and he shows up around there (after following you from work) then go to the police immediately.

[dr strangelove]

What the hell is up with you and the cops island girl

 

Thats a bit of red flag you should chill out

 

Its bobvious to me this whole situation cause ive met women like this.. she is very passive agressive and old school

 

This gentleman did want a girlfriend but he was shy, and didnt understand the sophisticated signals she threw out

 

Then he probably met a girl that was more clear and perhaps even got physical with him quickly.. y a wishy washy women are a pain

 

He even went as far to ask her what she wanted.

 

His behaviour is weird? uh right.. you seriously need to chill out this is the second or third post I have seen where you counsel someone to contact the police

 

Great advice

[Island Girl]

What the hell is up with you and the cops island girl

 

Thats a bit of red flag you should chill out

 

Its bobvious to me this whole situation cause ive met women like this.. she is very passive agressive and old school

 

This gentleman did want a girlfriend but he was shy, and didnt understand the sophisticated signals she threw out

 

Then he probably met a girl that was more clear and perhaps even got physical with him quickly.. y a wishy washy women are a pain

 

He even went as far to ask her what she wanted.

 

His behaviour is weird? uh right.. you seriously need to chill out this is the second or third post I have seen where you counsel someone to contact the police

 

Great advice

 

Get the context right --

 

The first post was from a person dealing with an ex who had come to her house and THEN thought he or possibly someone else WAS BREAKING INTO HER HOUSE.

 

This one --- I state she should move and then if he resurfaces at her new place -- she should call the police.

That would be stalking which is against the law -- because people actually get hurt by crazies that exhibit just this same kind of behavior.

 

And here you are defending this weirdo -- see a bit of yourself maybe?

 

Seek help.

[dr strangelove]

Get help?

 

hmm wait I better watch it, if I write anymore you might call the cops on me..

 

That advice is not meant to be thrown around lightly. Who knows what the guy in the story is have you met him?

 

The lady is a typical passive aggressive. Shes even more irked that he got snapped up

[sb129]

Calm down children.

 

I gave advice to go to the cops too IF his behaviour was threatening her in any way, as IG is right, stalking IS illegal.

 

IMO, there is something fishy about this whole post, ESP since the OP hasn't returned to respond. I also think she may be making a big deal out of nothing but IF she isn't and the guy IS stalking her (we are only hearing one side of the story remember) I think that going to the cops is an appropriate measure.

 

Who is BBG...?.

 

Bellababygirl- remember the phony who told us she was pregnant to her MM who she said was some hotshot senator? Whole thing was for "research" for her "novel".

[woe_is_me]

 

IMO, there is something fishy about this whole post, ESP since the OP hasn't returned to respond .

 

 

Thats what i was thinking sb

 

Maybe it's taking her this long to type a reply ..the last one was so loooonnnnnnnng...

[Sup]

After Skimming, (mostly) your BOOK! I suggest to Divorce your husband BEFORE you do ANYTHING with this guy. Or, go to marriage counseling with your husband.

[2ndIINone]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Booooooo... I could've saved 5 relationships here on LS in the time it took to read that story.

 

What? No sadness? no funny parts? No divorces... not even sex up on the damn roof? Ya could've added that in just to spice that story up a bit ya know. Shheeeesh.

 

What I gathered.... you're fixated on 'looks' and you like attention and have one hell of an imagination.

[bones]

I agree that this guy is either bi-polar or has some other mental health issues. It is unfortunate. There are few if any affordable resources for such individuals, and they are sick, just like those with other diseases.

 

Feel sorry for him, but stay away. There is nothing but toxicity and heartache in the situation. Involving the authorities may be premature-- but keep your radar up and watch where you go alone.

 

As for the length of your post -- I was able to skip parts and still get the critical stuff. This is a place we seek encouragement-- so don't let the criticism get to you.

 

As for your attraction to men 10 years younger-- so what. I'm 43 and also a very fit sk8er. It is sometimes hard to find men my age with the energy to keep up with my degree of physical activity. (and I don't mean sexual.) By our age a large percentage of men are overweight, under-active and therefore not terribly fun for high-energy, fit women. I'm lucky to have a husband that is also fit, plays ice-hockey with men 1/2 his age and still acts 28! 40 is the new twenty!

 

Bones

[Teddy and Jane]

You're definitely one of those cougar gals.

Look, hon, you say you're all secure with yourself and such, but you're not, or you'd be confident enough to see that it's not going anywhere with him and he's not interested.

[Calibabe2007]

Wow! What a story!!! It seems to me like Heathcliffe has moved on. He has a girlfriend. So let him live his life!!! The OP sounds like a woman obsessed. Some counseling might be a good start. She needs to just let this thing go and let Heathcliffe live his life - without spitting on him!!!