?? for the dumpers

[frd150]

Ok,

 

I do not want to sound hostile so please do not take it that way.

 

I do appreciate your comments and opinions.

 

But where do you see me asking her back? I have not asked her when. She knows my feelings. Put it out there for her a while ago only to get a no.

 

I am not an emotional mess anymore i just am honest here on LS. I go out (with girls) and i stay busy. I am not a mind reader and if i do what you say and get shot down i may just end up taking a step or two back. She left and yes she may be dropping hints but who knows . I have swallowed my pride now she needs to be the one to ask for another try. Maybe it's more like "Do you want me as your girlfriend again?"

 

This goes back to my very first question on this thread....

 

Don't you think?

 

BTW mint milanos rock! DS, will have to send you some.

[dr strangelove]

My friend had this great explanation of how everything works..

 

Im tired right now... and im frustrated because you have it so easy but you make it so hard

 

Let me ask you brother, do you want to change places with me? One day my ex stopped calling and when I did hear back from her it was nasty email. And I dont know where she is or how to reach her by phone.. probably she realizes if I could find her I could have her back pretty easily.

 

But no I have really nothing to work with

Where as you

and many men on here have piles to work with and yet you still come up short.

 

I dont have time to go back in your threads ..sorry

 

But I did ask you if you would take my advice and you said yes

 

I have to laugh because now your ex is getting somewhat desperate even.. I mean who goes over to someone's place to just to straighten up towels..Im surpirised you couldnt see right through that.

 

If I was you, and im not you though and that is the kicker, the sad reality.

I would call her and find some excuse to have her over like

could she help me laundry

or

I cant remember how to make Macaroni and cheese

or

Can you help me organize my sock drawer

 

Man I .. I almost want to cry Id give almost anything to have my ex around now

 

You could and you seem

You waiting for some holy sign

 

Well there is no holy sign

No burning bush

No jesus in a piece of toast

No potato chip that looks like scooby doo

 

Just have her over and dont say much..

let your body and hands do the talking does that make sense

 

God this is killing me telling you what to do, I feel like a beggar telling a rich man how to eat soup

[confuzd]

hey island girl, cali guy, and even you frd150.

I love the advice you gave frd 150 can you look at my post and offer me some advice as well. I am really struggling over here thanks.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1239804#post1239804

[frd150]

Its been a while and she still calls me but today i am feeling quite depressed.

 

Over the weekend i get a call from her saying that she would like to pick up a couple of things she had left behind. she said that she was going to be in the area and she was already on the road. I did not get the message until later since i was busy. After the third attempt from her to get ahold of me i answered. I told her that i would be leaving soon and that i could just put the items on my porch for her to pick up later. She said "oh no i will turn around and come by if that is ok". I said sure. She called me as she was pulling in and i said that i could bring the stuff out and she said "Can i just meet you inside"? I said sure as i thought that maaybe just maybe she wanted to talk about something positive. Nope, She, i think was there on a mission. A little "sniffing around". She seemed to get a bit sentimental. First she checked my fridge to make sure i was eating. She noticed that not only was i eating but i was eating healthy. Funny thing she was in my guest bathroom and noticed that there was som "girl" shampoo in the shower. "Whos is this"? she asked. She then looked imediatly in the medicine cabinete. For what? Who knows? She then went straight into my bedroom and looked in my closet. For the record i have a new roomate and his girlfriend stays at my house a couple nights a week. Shampoo is hers. I wish it was someone elses if you know what i mean.

 

She proceded to grab her stuff after about an hour but the funny thig is she put it back. She said that she just wanted to keep it there. She said it with a sad voice. Ok, i know that i should have demanded she take it but i took it as her maybe thinking she may come back. Yeah, i know Wake up frd. We chatted for a bit then i had to go. She gave me a couple of really nice hugs inititated by her and she was gone.

 

 

I told this story to a couple of different women in the last couple of days and seperatly they concluded the same thing. Status Check visit. She was checking if i had moved on yet. If maybe i had another girl. One even said that "she might as well have had her panties around her ankles":D A little optimistic in my opinion.

 

A couple days later i had lunch with her best friend that i had previously mentioned and i found out that she indeed had been talking to a guy introduced to her by some sl*t that she works with. I do not throw insults around unless i can validate them so belive me when i say it she is a sl*t. For the sake of this paragraph well call her M in case she comes up again. Well her best friend said that she saw first hand that things are not going well and that she is pretty sure it ended before it got serious. I can only hope but i am not banking on it. Also for the record I myself am very good friends with her best friend starting from before me and my ex started dating. Well her friend and i discussed alot about my ex. Things that i did not know that helped me to better understand the whys. To this day there is no real concrete reason for all of this in anybodys mind including my exs. It just happened. And i am sure M is not helping any of this. In fact she is trying to sabatoge the relationship between my ex and her best friend. Misery loves company i guess.

 

 

My ex has called me everyday this week on her own so i decided to call her today. There is this new place that opened up that I went to last night and she herself is excited about. I politly said "well maybe you and i should go check it out". She glazed over it. I just thought i would test the waters myself since she herself has mentioned getting together in the last three weeks or so. The conversation ended with a can i call you back from her. She needed to get back to work.

 

 

Today i feel worse than the other day when i found out that she had been dating. Ijust have fallen into a muck that came out of nowhere. Her best friend said that she is back after the same type of guys she had always dated. Controlling,womenizing and overwieght. I'm just so sad today:(.

I would think that this far out i would be past all this.

 

How can she be looking at wedding dresses one week and leaving the next?

 

I have recently dated a couple of very sweet girls but i keep comparing them to my ex. I have never felt anything like this after any other break up.

 

This weekend there is a big event in her family. I have these visions of some new guy in my place at the event. Hanging out with her family who i grew to love so much. Nothing seems complete anymore even so many months out.

 

Sorry i keep pestering you guys with this.

[hope4best]

Sorry, should have read more before posting.

 

Long story short, I left my ex, I would do anything to change that. I am willing to make huge sacrafices if it means making it work. I told him today, we are going to meet to talk Monday, it could go badly, maybe it won't. I put myself out there regardless of pride, ego, or whatever, because if there is any chance at all, at least I will know I did everything I could to try to take it and make our marriage work, and if he tells me to go, then I will know that the door really is closed forever.

 

I can't tell you what to do, just what I feel I need to do. Good luck.

[frd150]

Sorry, should have read more before posting.

 

Long story short, I left my ex, I would do anything to change that. I am willing to make huge sacrafices if it means making it work. I told him today, we are going to meet to talk Monday, it could go badly, maybe it won't. I put myself out there regardless of pride, ego, or whatever, because if there is any chance at all, at least I will know I did everything I could to try to take it and make our marriage work, and if he tells me to go, then I will know that the door really is closed forever.

 

I can't tell you what to do, just what I feel I need to do. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

Hello hope ,

 

Sorry i do not know your story but i will read back after this.

 

I could only hope that my ex thinks as you do but it is a real longshot. Like you I feel that i did everything i could. Maybe im missing something.

 

 

I wish you the best and i hope to read a success story from you real soon.

 

Good luck to you.

[4peace]

here is my deducement:

Please do not take it the wrong way, but Dr. Strnglove is trying to say, Go For It!! She is obviously wanting to see if you and her still have something more or still have feelings. Women want to be needed remember. (If only! I personally do not have the same choice, not at the moment, going on six months no contact and I broke it off but for very different reasons.)

 

You should take her up on her little invites and see for yourself if you still have an attraction to her. Just make time in your schedule. If you don't make time you will never know, at least she is giving you the chance to know. And you need to know. Do this for only you without ego involved, genuinely see if she is making a concertive effort to be back with you for who you are. If you are not feeling it then make the night short.

 

Does this help? I hope so. If my ex boyfriend was calling or ever called after I broke it off, i would have jumped at the chance to see if things had changed.

 

You see when either person expresses an interest in the other and both parties are somewhat interested, then GO FOR IT. Do not however accept things back without new boundaries if those were broken in the first place. I mean if there was trust broken or dis-interested behavior. Just be YOU.

 

hope this helps, try not to be stuck in the past but live in the moment. what are you feeling within her presence? Allow yourself the chance to find out that at least. Sure, you may have been hurt by something she did in the past or didn't do but you and she are only human. Let the past remain in the past.

 

Hope this sincerely helps.

4peace

[frd150]

here is my deducement:

Please do not take it the wrong way, but Dr. Strnglove is trying to say, Go For It!! She is obviously wanting to see if you and her still have something more or still have feelings. Women want to be needed remember. (If only! I personally do not have the same choice, not at the moment, going on six months no contact and I broke it off but for very different reasons.)

 

Funny thing is that she decided that she was done after i sat her down. I went into imediate no contact. Not to play games but to begin to heal if i could. Oh, I do need her, she was my best friend. I was talking with my roomate last night about how my life has changed and how i wished she could see and experience all the positive things that came out of this whole mess. I could only hope but not expect that my ex feels the "if only" feeling. Btw if I was easily offended and not open minded i would not be here anymore. I appreciate your comments.

 

 

You should take her up on her little invites and see for yourself if you still have an attraction to her. Just make time in your schedule. If you don't make time you will never know, at least she is giving you the chance to know. And you need to know. Do this for only you without ego involved, genuinely see if she is making a concertive effort to be back with you for who you are. If you are not feeling it then make the night short.

 

I want nothing more so I promise that if she makes a move i will take her up on it no mater how small it is. I will make the time. I cannot however ask her again each incident of rejection rips away part of the scab over my heart.

 

 

 

Does this help? I hope so. If my ex boyfriend was calling or ever called after I broke it off, i would have jumped at the chance to see if things had changed.

 

I wish she felt as you do.

 

You see when either person expresses an interest in the other and both parties are somewhat interested, then GO FOR IT. Do not however accept things back without new boundaries if those were broken in the first place. I mean if there was trust broken or dis-interested behavior. Just be YOU.

Yeah, I recognize that and what i did (my part in this). Hell, I would not want to be with me either. Man I was a douche bag. But it was not only me she had her part in this too.

 

It comes back to why this far out and after telling me to essentially kick rocks she is still calling me and now coming over. I have to think that there is still an interest or doubt on her part. Ill do better than just be "you" i am now a new me because of all of this. All the petty cra* i worried about (that contributed to all of this) just is not as important anymore. Whats important are the people in my life. Family and friends. Since she left i have lost two friends tragically, One is fighting cancer and another was just hospitalized with bacterial meningitis and it does not look good. The little worries do not mean as much anymore.

 

hope this helps, try not to be stuck in the past but live in the moment. what are you feeling within her presence? Allow yourself the chance to find out that at least. Sure, you may have been hurt by something she did in the past or didn't do but you and she are only human. Let the past remain in the past.

 

Yes she has hurt me like no other but she had her reasons and i do not think that she was thinking about how I would be affected by all of this. I do not think she wanted for me to be this hurt.

 

When i saw her she showed that she was happy but i think underneath she was torn up abit. I think the happiness was somewhat of a front. She had her game face on.

 

 

Hope this sincerely helps.

 

All of it helps. thank you for responding

[dr strangelove]

Ok here im going to throw you a bone

 

You want to go out with your ex? pseudo ex..?

 

try this .. get something for her.. a sandwich or maybe she likes soup or pasta who knows

 

Take it to her work and drop it off for her with a liitle note.. make sure it has a napkin and a fork or spoon if its pasta or soup.. Maybe do it up with a bow

The nicer you can make it look the better

 

Sorry I cant think of what to write.. the words are not coming to me right now

 

You really are missing the boat somehow.. you have to be a bit more suave

 

You should flirt with her a bit more I think kiss her hand or her cheek.. and then pull back and say oh damn I have to go.. give her a little but not too much.

 

Or do that thing with the lunch or other things.. I wouldnt send flowers or crap like that regular things it will keep her guessing..

 

Let her do more talking then you.. and maybe dont say hey we should go here

try it in a more omantic way or wait till u she is like shocked by something u did or just say hey im going here..maybe she will invite her self along.

[confuzd]

 

by some sl*t that she works with.

LMAO I think every wife has one of those friends.

[frd150]

LMAO I think every wife has one of those friends.

 

Yeah I know its pretty common. This girl I know has not helped our situation. She just wants my ex for herself.

[frd150]

As I mentioned before I have remained good friends with her best friend and

[frd150]

As I mentioned before I have remained good friends with her best friend and Husband. I have also been fortunate enough to become part of a pretty good group of friends myself seperate from them.

 

Well,yesterday I was headed to a baseball game with said new group of friends and I realized that i had a couple of extra tickets. I decided what the heck I'll give her best friend a call being that her husband is a big fan of one of the teams. They accepted and met up with all of us at the stadium.

 

We all had a great time and it was like these two seperate groups in my life had known each other for years.Not hard as this group made me feel the same way post break up.

 

We proceeded to dinner and i never felt like i had to be a mediator. It felt good to watch all the joking and laughter going on around me.I'm a lucky guy despite all of this and for the first time in a long time I realized that truly I am not alone. I had a table of ten people that cared about me. I just wish she was there with us.

 

My ex would have had a great time. You see unlike my exs new friend or friends mine are not hostile towards her they know her and would want nothing more than to have her with us when we are together but they see the bigger picture and that is that they want me to be happy with or without her.

 

Well now i might have created a monster as her best friend and husband have already agreed to come out to a couple of future get togethers.

 

Its funnly as we were leaving my exs best friend stopped my in the parkinglot and huged me. She said "frd,see how lucky you are?" "You have all of us now". "You'll get what you want it just might not be what you expect or when you expect it". I knew what she ment.

[dr strangelove]

I dont think you ever intend to get back with your ex.. if you did you would have nothing to chat about on here..

 

Good luck with that

[frd150]

I dont think you ever intend to get back with your ex.. if you did you would have nothing to chat about on here..

 

Good luck with that

 

So its that easy just like you say? No I do not ever want to get back with the girl i wanted to marry. Com'on dude. Not every situation is like yours they are not all the same.

 

yeah I can end this once and for all by going to her,getting down on one knee with a flower in my teeth. The stuff of movies. I posted a bit ago about taking her up on her next hint or offer or whatever. I will.

 

I cannnot help that you are frustrated with me but I am not you.

 

Maybe it tough love your giving me?

 

I come here so as not to burden those around me.At least it keeps it to a minimum.

 

Let me ask you why you come here?

 

No offence just curious. I appreciate your efforts do not get me wrong and like i said I will jump on the next little hint. Countdown begins now.

[Island Girl]

I haven't been here in a while -- but I have thought about you frd150.

 

How is everything going now -- any updates? Are you doing well?

[frd150]

Wow,

 

I did not think I would ever here from you again.

 

Well I still hang around here and help where I can. Let me tell you, time really does heal. Its alomost like you have no choice but to let it.

 

She still calls about twice a week but my call log proves that I have not called her at all. I am begining to wonder if I am making a mistake. Shes mellowed out but last time I saw her she looked really tired and run down,shes also gained some weight. Not that I would ever care about that,never did. I still miss her but Ive been good at not thinking about it so much.

 

Oh, I am not sure if I had ever told you that she was talking to (seeing,what ever) this guy who was treating her like crap. I.E. she was out to dinner with her best friend one night and he called her and gave her sh*t for just having dinner with her friend. Her best friend asked her "Is this what you want to go back to? You know frd would never treat you like this." And shes right. I never questioned her, I had every reason to trust her.

 

 

So, now I spend 6 days a week in the gym. My colors back even. Man I was looking pretty wasted. I went on some pretty cool vacations and I have a new roomate. Im preping myself for what may come next.

 

 

Hows life on your end? I hope you and your husband are doing well.

 

Let me tell you ive been reading alot on here and there are some people who could really use your help. Some of the advice they get is good but some is not so good.

 

 

Well, thanks for thinking of me. It made my day.

[Island Girl]

I am glad things are better. Got some color, working out a lot, I am sure you are looking good! Yeow baby! I'm sure you are turning heads and when you are ready you'll have your pick.

 

What is it that makes you think you are making a mistake with your ex?

 

To me, the fact that she is or was dating someone who was treating her like crap and putting up with it would speak to what you really don't know about who she is. And that isn't a slight to you in any way, I just mean that she is still "becoming" and does not yet have a clear idea of who she is or who she wants to be. Does that translate?

 

If you are getting clear signals that she wants you back, well, that is certainly up to you but I would caution you to look at the picture in front of you without the memory of what you knew. And that can be difficult becomes sometimes we see what we want to see.

 

My husband is fine but still thousands of miles away. It has been over 4 months since the paperwork was submitted and it will be another 4 months until Immigration starts processing it. Then it could be as early as 6 to 8 months and he's here. Whoo hoo. Or as much as a year. -- And, although I can't really stand to think about it, they can always say "no". So we will see.

 

I'm glad it was such a pleasant surprise to get a follow up. You sure are a great guy frd150. Whoever ends up with you is one lucky girl. I know I have said that before but it is so true. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

[frd150]

I am glad things are better. Got some color, working out a lot, I am sure you are looking good! Yeow baby! I'm sure you are turning heads and when you are ready you'll have your pick.

Thanks...Im a ways away from the goal i set for myself but seeing results is whats keeping me going.

 

What is it that makes you think you are making a mistake with your ex?

 

I guess there is that part of me that still has hope. I mean she calls for no reason about twice a week. Why. Is this my cue and im missing it? Now I know that she needs to be women enough to come out and tell me what she wants but that thought is still looming. Sorry:(

 

To me, the fact that she is or was dating someone who was treating her like crap and putting up with it would speak to what you really don't know about who she is. And that isn't a slight to you in any way, I just mean that she is still "becoming" and does not yet have a clear idea of who she is or who she wants to be. Does that translate?

 

Yup. Others have told me the same. But in the mean time shes missing out on the real thing. She will regret this someday. I know that I did all that I could do and I have no regrets. Yes, I know that I will meet someone and be as happy or happier than I was with her.

 

If you are getting clear signals that she wants you back, well, that is certainly up to you but I would caution you to look at the picture in front of you without the memory of what you knew. And that can be difficult becomes sometimes we see what we want to see.

Well she had us all fooled. If you would have met her you would have loved her,promise. Everyone did. Your right maybe shes evolving and yes she is confused,theres no other explanation.

 

 

My husband is fine but still thousands of miles away. It has been over 4 months since the paperwork was submitted and it will be another 4 months until Immigration starts processing it. Then it could be as early as 6 to 8 months and he's here. Whoo hoo. Or as much as a year. -- And, although I can't really stand to think about it, they can always say "no". So we will see.

 

What?? Why?? I thought that if you were married that was it. You see all these guys with Asian and russian brides. How come it seems so easy for them? Ill pray for a good outcome. Ugh....the government.

 

I'm glad it was such a pleasant surprise to get a follow up. You sure are a great guy frd150. Whoever ends up with you is one lucky girl. I know I have said that before but it is so true. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

 

 

Thanks IG. I can say the same about you. Your husband is a lucky guy. Im putting so much work into self improvement and anything less than the best would be a comprimise. I guess I just thought I already had it. I will treat whoever it is like a queen...I promise.

[heartoutside]

Only if you treat yourself like a king first....remember that....

[frd150]

Thanks heart, I will.

[daphne]

I think she may have ended up with this loser because he paid more attention to her. Now it sounds like not such good attention, but she may have been starved for it. I'm wondering if you'd take her back if she came around..

[frd150]

I think she may have ended up with this loser because he paid more attention to her. Now it sounds like not such good attention, but she may have been starved for it. I'm wondering if you'd take her back if she came around..

 

 

I guess bad attention is still attention. Daph, She had an equal part to play in this. The difference between her and I is that she has not fully owned up to it.

 

I devoted every free moment to being with her and I know now that just being with her was not enough. I just wish she would of told me.

 

I love her still, I love her enough to respect her wish to be on her own. I do not bother her (respect) but I still get the calls. About two a week.

 

You know Im alot better than when we first chatted. I cannot say that I would and I cannot say that I wouldnt.never say never I guess This would always be in the back of my mind. Honestly I do not think it will ever be an issue that I will have to face. Ive learned alot from this. I will not let all this heartache be for nothing.

 

 

How about you? Did you shake that guy? I know that you were abit bothered a while back.

[daphne]

Fred,

 

I always knew that you'd be ok, regardless. You have the rare ability in a man to recognize accountability without taking all of the blame. It seems that men are either unaccountable and want something new with no work, or bend over backwards. I'm glad to hear that you're getting on with your life. You can use what you've learned next time, and hopefully you'll meet someone with better communication skills. Women aren't always better at it than men.

 

So far, so good. I haven't heard from him since that last post. It's funny that his attempt to make me jealous worked for a little while. But I held fast and gave myself a week or two and shook it. I had to look at things logically. This guy was not a good investment in the relationship department. It would have been different had he treated me well, but he didn't. Good thing too, because he was too toxic to have a healthy relationship.

[frd150]

Fred,

 

I always knew that you'd be ok, regardless. You have the rare ability in a man to recognize accountability without taking all of the blame. It seems that men are either unaccountable and want something new with no work, or bend over backwards. I'm glad to hear that you're getting on with your life. You can use what you've learned next time, and hopefully you'll meet someone with better communication skills. Women aren't always better at it than men.

 

Thanks. I never thought id be ok at the begining but who dosent have those thoughts after something like that. We just want to wallow in self pitty with all of the why me's.

 

I would rather know about something and fix it than sweep it under the rug to rot. Yup, I need to find someone who has the same thinking. In my opinion turning and running is only the last option. your right, women are not always better at it but I know that my chances of finding someone who can communicate are in my favor (optimism).

 

 

So far, so good. I haven't heard from him since that last post. It's funny that his attempt to make me jealous worked for a little while. But I held fast and gave myself a week or two and shook it. I had to look at things logically. This guy was not a good investment in the relationship department. It would have been different had he treated me well, but he didn't. Good thing too, because he was too toxic to have a healthy relationship.

 

Good for you. Obviously I do not know you but from what I gather here you only deserve the best. Your a kind soul:).

 

I'm almost there. Im almost ready for the next. I still need a little more self improvment. I do not want to go into the next all gung ho and smothering...I just want to be myself with a bit more attentivness.

 

Thanks for the Advice Daph. You've always been great.