?'s on so called "friends" turning their backs on OW

[HappyHappy]

This started as a response to soxprincess about being judged negatively when you are the OW, and now I would like thoughts and feedback on what happened to me after breaking up with my fiance and getting involved with MM. So, here's the story mostly...

 

My ex fiance did a job on me (I broke up with him and then got involved with the MM). Ex fiance took very little responsibility for the failure of our relationship (takes more now from what Ive heard), but just vilified me to anyone and everyone he could find..blaming everything on MM. He "borrowed" my blackberry, and phones with caller ID and called everyone he could think of to just make up awful things about me. Ok, so he saw himself as a jilted lover and this was his irrational and immature way of dealing with things (he also stalked me, and slashed MM's tires, so he was just unbalanced).

 

BUT, what has gotten me the most over these few years is how I got treated and sort of "dumped" by people who I thought were friends, because of my A. Here's the killer: these actions were from "friends" who themselves had been in affairs! In all of my examples of the people I know, they were in a bad marriage etc., all had kids involved, they made decisions to leave the marriages and some of these people have married the person they were having the A with or are still exclusivly involved with the person. I was so supportive to these "friends" of mine while they were going through these things, but when my turn came, I got a bunch of judgements and backs turned on me. And I was not married and had no kids involved in the relationship I chose end. Its funny, because while I was involved with ex finace, all the "friends" would comment that I needed to leave him because we were really unhappy and what a toxic relationship it was etc....I will never figure this out, but those actions were most hurtful.

 

I know that those people didnt want to be put down or judged for the decisions they made that they felt were best for them, but the same rules didnt apply to me. I did find out later that there were some jealously issues involved on the part of some of these so called friends. Wish I had seen some of that earlier and it would have saved me some heartache.

 

Looking back, I did get comments from some of these women like: "I wish I had your life...education, career and you own your home...If I had that I'd be out of this miserable marriage". All of these women did leave eventually, but it was once they began an affair and had arms of some security I guess to fall into.

 

I just still cant figure why their decision was OK, but mine it seems wasnt, and I wasnt even married with kids like them!

 

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Don't get me wrong, I have some friends who have been beyond wonderful, but some of these who turned their backs on me were very close friends and even though its been almost 3 years, I'm still puzzled.

 

The only thing I can add that maybe made a difference is that ex finance was poor as a mouse and I pulled the financial weight throughout the relationship. So, we were sometimes limited with things like taking extravagant trips with these other couples....we did take some, but if these other couples were taking 10 trips a year, we were able to maybe join them for 5 of them. I never thought this was any big deal and it was nice to do a few trips and things (when were werent ruining the trip by fighting). Now fast forward to the relationship with MM. MM is very wealthy and it shows in his every action, everything we do and every gift giving occasion.

 

I wonder if those "friends" were just content with me being limited and contained in the other relationship...and for some reason couldnt handle this "over the top" life/relationship Im in now. It did sort of seem like they were shocked or taken aback with MMs generosity....generosity that they also benefited from because MM is just a very giving, kind hearted person.

 

Any thoughts?

[norajane]

Here's the killer: these actions were from "friends" who themselves had been in affairs! In all of my examples of the people I know, they were in a bad marriage etc., all had kids involved, they made decisions to leave the marriages and some of these people have married the person they were having the A with or are still exclusivly involved with the person. I was so supportive to these "friends" of mine while they were going through these things, but when my turn came, I got a bunch of judgements and backs turned on me. And I was not married and had no kids involved in the relationship I chose end.

 

My guess is they saw themselves as being in a bad situation in their marriages and they chose to end their marriages and be with their true loves. That they had an affair while still in the marriage is virtually forgotten and irrelevant to their thinking...the marriage was dead, they got out, and now they are with their new partner.

 

In your case, they see you as the brazen hussy who is destroying a marriage and it's not about luuuuuvvvv.

 

They see you as the kind of person who is a threat to their own marriages, an OW their partners might take up with.

 

Yes, it's hypocritical, but they probably don't think they did anything wrong because their affair didn't ruin their marriage - it was already ruined.

[puddleofmud]

It would seem that these persons have no longer chosen to be "your friend" and so be it.

It is sad, but does it really matter? You said you do have some friends who've stuck by you--so does anyone who didn't give you the same act of kindness deserve to be called "friend"?

The balance of friendship is not material wealth--so who cares what generous gifts you and whomever have given? Do these materialistic things mean that these persons are to be held hostage as to those gifts?

Not, at all, if you gave them in the true Spirit of giving?

Perhaps some have just changed as persons? Perhaps some are bored of their lives and envious, perhaps some don't wish to reminded of their own pasts, perhaps some are just oblivious as to their actions, perhaps some don't care for your current partner, perhaps some are so burdened w/ their own crap they can't deal with yours....it could be a million unique things.

BUT, if friends can't be honest and so called "friends" who continually evade, ignore, smile sweetly, etc....Then it's high time to place so called friends on your "B" list for Christmas card distribution.

[HappyHappy]

I guess your right puddleofmud....believe me I dont call these people friends any longer. And maybe the grass wasnt so green on the other side of the fence they were anxious to get to or something...maybe they are just as unhappy now as they were in the original marriages...maybe they left for the wrong reasons...who knows. I know they didnt express any of that at the time.

As far as gifts....it was all done out of love and the spirit of giving. Period. Things like....a Christmas when my so called good friend (this woman and I had been close for over 15 years and called each other sister) was in a bit of a financial crunch because of over spending, and my MM and I got her young daughter the newest IPOD, a couple of Juicy sweat outfits and some UGGS....things Mom wanted to get her, but was just stretched too thin that year for the extra "fun stuff". We were happy to provide her daughter the things mom wanted her to have...I even told mom she could put her name on them, just let one item be from me because I always bought gifts for this child since she was a baby. It would have been unusual for her not to have a gift from me. If the so called friend took that out of context then she was just looking for something.

I just feel that true friends are there for you through the best and the worst. I was REALLY there for these people when they went through their crap...I was the home they stayed at during transition from marriage through divorce, I was the "cover" for them while they were having the affairs, I loaned them money to move into their first post divorce places, I watched their kids late night while they snuck out with the lover. I was a good shoulder to lean and cry on...I just wanted them to find what made them happy because they were so unhappy in the marriages. I was a good friend. I just expected that they would be there for me too...I didnt need a place to stay, I didnt need to borrow money, I just needed an ear or shoulder...but I didnt get that so I guess I found out that they werent true friends, but it still hurt. No matter how you slice it, it just hurt.

[Virgo1982]

I have a friend who's in a bad relationship. She's 24 with 2 kids. Her and the boyfriend have been together for 5 years. He's cheated on her in the past and done some things that made both of us question how much respect he has for her. I've been told that I'm too hard on guys. So, when she'd come crying, I'd simply listen. But then one day he did something that was totally inexcusable...

 

He leaves whenever he wants to go wherever it is that he goes to do whatever it is that he does. She can not take a bath without the children. We were prepared to attend a poetry reading. We harldy get to make plans, with her having a toddler and an infant, but everytime we make plans, he does something to sabotage them. So, this particular time, she called to ask if he could stay home and watch the kids for a few hours and he hung the phone up in her ear. I finally said to her, "why do you put up with this? why does he always manage to ruin your plans?" She broke down and began to complain. Then, she put him out of the house. Then, when she felt lonely, she allowed him back and became resentful toward me for saying what i said.

 

With that being said, you can only imagine what happened when I told her I was involved in an affair. She tries to be a friend, but winds up getting her digs in. Her philosophy is simply that in every affair, the ow is a sex object only. She makes this clear when she speaks in general. When I used interrogation tactics and pose her statement in the form of a question, she begins to stumble on her words because it's clear how she wants to feel about my situation. When faced with the facts of the relationship, she says it's scary. Why? Because it threatens her comfort. I could very possibly be on the other side someday. That's life. I've been able to bite my tongue to spare her feelings, support her, and offer help when needed. That's what friends do. Has she been a friend to me? I don't think so. Friends are honest to you and themselves. Friends don't envy you. Friends don't tell you all of the horrible things their mate has done, then tell you you're jealous of their family after they reconcile.

 

Thanks for reading.