Insecure

[daydreamerz]

I've been really down lately. I just can't seem to figure out how to become confident, or even semi OK with myself, and I know there's no magic answer to this question, but I really don't even know where to start.

 

For as long as I can remember I've always been extremely critical of myself and for a while I believed that I had improved, but in reality I'm still exactly where I used to be. It's something that I've wanted to change my whole life, but I just don't know how. Knowing how insecure I am actually makes me hate myself more. It's probably the thing I hate most about myself.

 

I pretty much analyze every little thing I say and do and then I get angry at myself for the things that I wish I hadn't done. I usually lie in bed for over 2 hours at night because I can't stop analyzing everything that happened to me throughout the day.

 

I get jealous so easily because I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone in my life. It makes me either get mean or just completely close myself off because I guess I fear people closing me out, so I decide to be the one to do it first. I hate this and I feel like such a bitch a lot of the time because I just let me jealousy and insecurities to take hold of me.

 

I realize that it's so stupid and that it's such a self-centered approach to life, but it's how I've always been. I don't really want to go to counseling because I just don't think I'd feel comfortable, but I know I need to make changes. I know that's it's something that will take time and I should probably focus on small things at first, but I'm not even sure how to do that.

 

A lot of the time when I know a situation is going to occur where I'm going to become overcome with jealousy and become very pissy, I will try and force myself to get in a different mindset, but usually I just can't.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking....I guess just for advice from people who have gone though similar things.

[VirtualInsanity]

I get jealous so easily because I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone in my life. It makes me either get mean or just completely close myself off because I guess I fear people closing me out, so I decide to be the one to do it first. I hate this and I feel like such a bitch a lot of the time because I just let me jealousy and insecurities to take hold of me.

 

Yes I'm like that at times.

 

Try to stop analyzing everything. Will do you no good because everyone has flaws.

 

Have you tried self-help books or talking to someone?

[alextop30]

What I want to say is welcome to the loosers club . I know how you feel, I do even though I am a guy been there like really deep in there but eventually came out. I know you dont know where to start because you dont really like yourself and that you need a place to start improving. I dont know but I am guessing that you dont like yourself on the outside too. But that is just recap of my reading and comprehention.

 

Now what you can do - got to take very small steps toward confidence. First I would suggest start doing activities that you enjoy doing something like go outside play sport if you like to do that if you like go to the beach and sit there read a book - something you enjoy. Second try to go out with your friends if you are not the club person or the bar person start small. Going to get some coffee with few frieds from the local starbucks, going to watch a movie - I wouldn't recomend that for interacting with people. What else if you like to dance - go to dance club with some friends- guys there ask girls to dance I know I have a lots of times and very few girls reject. But most importantly when you talk to someone be knowing of what messeges you are giving off and controll yourself - dont just sent them packing because of nothing give them a chanse to meet you and get to know you a little.

 

I have had huge problems, still having some with meeting people - mostly girls I have no problem making friends with guys. But girls would just not give me a chanse so I was stuck - and still stuck havent had a date with a girl for a long time now. But at least I feel better about myself.

 

I really do understand where you are and the very little things that make you happy should be done. And you should stop laying in your bed analyzing the day - I did it too just get up and do something - play video game that is what worked for me when I was like that - read a book problem is I will be reading and I will still be thinking of the **** that I did durring the day. Best suggestion somethign that takes both mind and body concentration so you stop thinking about that.

 

Being comfortable with yourself is very difficult task to accomplish because one of the problems that is hardest to fix are those problems that are about yourself.

 

Hope was able to help seriously keep us posted we want to know how you doing

[VirtualInsanity]

What I want to say is welcome to the loosers club .

 

Oh come on, there's no loser club.

[daydreamerz]

Thanks for the replies. Today didn't really start off very good. A couple of the girls that I live with went out and didn't invite me to come along, which got me really angry. I knew that I was being irrational and that it wasn't something to get upset about but it did and I'm still kind of mad. I take a lot of walks when I get upset because I feel it helps a little but mainly because I just feel like I need to get out of our apartment and get some alone time. I'm trying to be positive and at least put up a front of being in a good mood for the rest of the day.

 

One of the things that I think is really making it difficult to change is the fact that I'm living with 4 of my friends and 3 of them are very insecure themselves. I find myself noticing them reacting in a lot of the ways I react when I get upset and that gets me mad. I know it's hypocritical, but I think a lot of the times we get annoyed by the things in others that we do ourselves, because it reminds us of the things we don't like about ourselves.

 

VirtualInsanity- I've talked to my friends about it a little but like I said they're really insecure themselves so I'm not sure how much that really helps. I've also talked to my mom a little bit about it but she thinks I need to talk to a professional, which I really don't want to do. I've bought self-help books in the past but usually they just end up gathering dust. I'm thinking of looking into some more self-help books but I'm not sure which ones are actually good.

 

alex- thanks so much for your reply. I really think I need to get involved in more activities and meet new people. I love my friends but I think I see too much of them and maybe it would help if I hung out with some other people. I'm just extremely shy and it's really hard to meet new people. I also am constantly thinking that people don't really like me and don't want me around, even if they have given me no indication of this. A lot of the time when my friends invite me to do something I turn them down solely because I want to give them a break from me.

[johan]

I know how you feel. I can also me critical of myself to the point that I'll shut down. It is something that can fix itself over time, as you become more experienced and mature. I don't recommend waiting for that to happen.

 

I think you should be more open to discussing this with a professional. It can't hurt, and it can help. And pretty much any therapist you could go to would have quite a bit of experience with what you're dealing with, because this is a pretty fundamental problem everyone struggles with to some extent.

 

You say you're insecure a lot, and also you mention getting angry several times. You need to recognize that insecurity and anger are not your problems, they are just the symptoms. Low self-esteem is your problem. If you were able to improve your self-esteem, you'd also find that your tendency to respond irrationally with anger and insecurity would go down.

 

It isn't that hard to improve self-esteem, if you are able to identify the subconscious thoughts you're having that are most damaging. You might be able to do this on your own maybe with a self-help book, but a professional would make it easier for you.

 

You'll have to do the following:

1) Figure out what thoughts you have that keep you down.

2) Figure out when you started having them.

3) Reason through the events that caused you to have these beliefs about yourself.

4) Forgive yourself, and use that forgiveness going forward to lessen the self-criticism that is your habit

[VirtualInsanity]

VirtualInsanity- I've talked to my friends about it a little but like I said they're really insecure themselves so I'm not sure how much that really helps. I've also talked to my mom a little bit about it but she thinks I need to talk to a professional, which I really don't want to do. I've bought self-help books in the past but usually they just end up gathering dust. I'm thinking of looking into some more self-help books but I'm not sure which ones are actually good.

 

I'm not sure what self-help books work the best. Depends on the person.

You have to motivate yourself to read the books & try the exercises given.

 

Why not talk to a professional. Being insecure is not something to go through life with. It can keep you from enjoying life to the fullest.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

It sounds like you are trying to be perfect in front of your friends and everybody else.

 

The cure for that is to let it all out in the open.

 

If you think you suck just say so, or if you think you were a goof, messed up some project, totally screwed up, got an F, nobody wants you, your hair is am mess, whatever.

 

Go around the world showing who you truly are, and if they say, oh you messed that up, you say, yeah, I sure did!

 

(Unless it's your boss or some, then just say, I'm working on it)

 

Ariadne