How to bring him back to me?

[Faith2]

The love of my life dropped out of post-grad studies at UC and broke up our relationship 4 months ago when he moved back to Germany upon his parents' demands or else they threatened to disinherit him and cut him out of their lives. They don't approve of anything American (including me), and they certainly don't want him to be living halfway around the world away from them. They want him to make his life and career near them in their small town in NW Germany.

 

For the past 4 months he's been living at home with them and half-heartedly interviewing for work in the area. But nothing is happening. His parents are highly critical, overbearing, and controlling (he's their only child). Whenever I've talked to him, he's been depressed and withdrawn.... or else he gives an air of forced jocularity that sounds strained. He's just not the same man I knew. He sounds beaten down.

 

Then this week he got a job offer 600 miles away, in Bavaria. It's the only solid thing that has come along in 4 months and he jumped at it. However, yesterday the company withdrew their offer, and he crashed to the ground.

 

He is both pissed off and badly demoralized. I'm sorry it fell through, simply because it would have finally been his chance to get far away from his parents. But I'm also glad it fell thorough because I want him back.

 

How can I bring him back to the US? He would be so much better off if he finished the postgrad program here. It would put him into an internship and then facilitate his transition into a job. The job market for his skills is fantastic here - lots of opportunities and high pay compared to Germany, which compares poorly in every respect.

 

During these past 4 months, we have been mostly NC with some LC. I still love him like I've never loved anyone in my life. I want him back. But I also know his self-esteem is rock bottom, and he feels devastated and angry now. His overbearing parents track his every move and criticize every step, saying "Do it our way, do what we tell you."

 

How can I help build up his self-confidence again and draw him back to me? Here he could make a good life. Or am I just another voice saying "Do it my way"? So far, I haven't said anything blatant, I've just listened and sympathized.

 

Last night when I talked to him, he was agitatedly going through all the ups and downs of that job offer and withdrawal... he was very angry and hurt by what happened, speaking in a harsh voice while he told me the details. After about an hour I gradually turned the conversation to some reminiscing about our trip to Italy last summer. Then his voice softened and he became calm again. This morning he sent me a very sweet email.

 

I want him back, but I don't know how to say this without risking rejection again. He *seems* determined to stick it out there, to do what his parents demand. Yet nothing is coming together for him... and clearly, by considering that job offer 600 miles away, he's no longer trying to stay close to home. He even said so, but he said he'll broaden his job search to include all of Germany.

 

Can anyone help me with advice? Please don't suggest that I go to Germany. My career is here and unfortunately can't be transplanted, whereas he could work anywhere in the world.

[sb129]

Sweetie I am so sorry for your pain, I know how it feels to miss somebody so bad your heart aches.

 

Unfortunately, I think you know what I am going to say.

 

You can't live his life for him.

 

I know its tough for you to see him making what you think are mistakes, but its his life, and they are his mistakes to make and learn from.

You are up against a formidable adversary- his parents.

 

And if they are giving him the same advice again and again, some of it will stick, whether it is the right thing to make him happy or not.

Trying to come between someone and their family is a minefield, and one I would try and avoid if I were you, however wrong you think they are, you won't score any points with your guy by constantly contradicting or criticising them.

 

Hopefully he comes to the realisation that you are right and that life would be better for him if he came back to the US.

 

But he needs to realise that on his own my dear.

 

Just be as loving and supportive as you can without nagging, and if it looks like he is definitely going to stay in Germany for good, disentangle yourself, and try to get on with YOUR life.

 

PS How come his parents let him come to the US at all if they are so antiAmerican?

[Faith2]

sb129 ~ Thank you for your kind reply. Your words break my heart, but that doesn't stop me from loving him and believing in him. Of course I want the best for him, and I want that "best" to include me.

 

His parents let him come here because his cousin had done the same program 10 years earlier and it gave her a tremendous boost in her career and earning potential.

 

However, he was afraid to tell them that he wanted to do the full 1-year program plus get a 1-year work permit afterward. So when he left Germany, he said he'd be home for Christmas and led them to believe that he meant "home for good." In early December, he finally told them his full plans. When they realized that meant he planned to stay in the US, they exploded and hit him with their ultimatim. He chose losing me over losing them, and he left.

 

But he is very unhappy and unfulfilled. And I am miserable without him, although I've been givng the illusion of keeping busy with lots of interesting things here. I really don't know if that's a useful stratgy or not. I just want my man back again somehow, but I don't know how.

[Ssheena]

Hi Faith. I remember your orginal posting and all that about him sending you all those files etc..and your fathers death etc.

 

You don't mention how old he is or you are but it's really time for him to make some decisions on his own. Without his parents, without you. He is coming across to me as somewhat spineless. I was married to a German and I know that family is important to them but to me what should be important to parents as well as to children is their own happiness. I get the feeling that he is letting life "happen" to him instead of making his own decisions. Maybe he needs to grown up and assume responsibility for his own life.

 

I am sorry that you are in this prediciment. I know you love him and I know you have suffered through both the loss of him and your father which is a double whammy but I'm not sure if he is really that great of guy.

 

Instead of complaining to you, he should do something. Please don't let him leech all your energy and time and love (he is living off you - emotional vampire) without getting what you want from him. I'm just afraid you will end up taking care of him and playing mommy to him and he will continue to let others make decisions for him.

 

Best wishes.

[CaliGuy]

You can't force someone to love you. It's impossible. The only thing you can do is work on yourself and live each day to the fullest.

 

If he wants to come back it will be on his own, not because you willed him back.

 

Sometimes, relationships just aren't meant to be. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can focus on you and the sooner the right person will come into your life.

 

Let him to so that you can focus on you.

[Faith2]

CG ~ He does love me. But he also feels a "duty" to his parents, because he is adopted and their only child. They rescued him, they feel that the adoption confers the right of "ownership" to them, and they expect his obedience. It's a very different system of values than what most of us have in the US, so it's almost impossible to understand or relate to.

 

Saying "let him go" is easy. But the heart holds on strong and deep. I know you know that.

[CaliGuy]

CG ~ He does love me. But he also feels a "duty" to his parents, because he is adopted and their only child. They rescued him, they feel that the adoption confers the right of "ownership" to them, and they expect his obedience. It's a very different system of values than what most of us have in the US, so it's almost impossible to understand or relate to.

 

You earlier said you want your "Man" back. No offense, but he's not acting like one if he is letting his parents direct his life.

 

Saying "let him go" is easy. But the heart holds on strong and deep. I know you know that.

 

Yes I do. It's medicine. It may not taste good going down but in the long run, it's good for you.

[polywog]

Hi Faith,

I just read your thread and my heart aches for you. You got great advice here from everyone, but I tend to agree with Sheena. The situation is sucking the life out of you, and I understand why. My thought is to decide to go No Contact with him for a bit, hard as that will be, so the situation is not static. You can grow on your own, and he'll have the space to figure out what is important to him. Right now, he knows you are waiting, but he still feels loyal to his controlling parents. Nothing is going in any dirrection.

 

If you back off for a while, you can concentrate on yourself and healing, and he can come to figure out what he wants. The risk is that he will abide by his parent's wishes, but who knows. Anything would be better than what's going on now, a sort of horrible limbo.

 

If you can take that risk, at least there will come to be an answer. If he is truly going to just want to please his controlling parents and makes the decision to stay, then that means he is not putting you or himself first and he would ultimately not be the love you deserve. If he decides that you are the most important thing in his life, then that's a great thing.

 

Only by backing away a bit to give the space will you (and he) know the answer. Scary, but worth the risk, in my opinion. You always have LS to support you during the nerve-wracking NC period.

 

Hang in there, and all the best to you.

[Trialbyfire]

Your guy sounds like he's emotionally pretty young if he's still being directed by his parents. No matter what age he is, you have to let him grow up on his own.

 

You know the easy way to get him back. Let him know how much you love him and want him back. Let him know the door's wide open for him to come live with you and be your dependent.

 

Personally, I would steer clear of this type of move because he will never learn how to take care of himself.

[Faith2]

Polywog ~ Thanks, you've given me good advice. All of you have, sb129, Ssheena, CaliGuy, and Trialbyfire.

 

Until we talked last night, I had been doing NC for a week. I contacted him last night about our friend who is dying. He thought I was doing NC because I was mad at him, but in fact I was preoccupied with work and other worries.

 

I didn't even know anything about this particular job interview and offer, which came at the beginning of the week, or about the withdrawal, which came yesterday. He's very bitter because he saw it as his chance to get far away from his parents with a good-paying job so he could finally achieve financial independence from them. Right now, he's completely reliant on them for support. He's trapped.

 

That's why I have mixed feelings. I'm just aching for him to cut the purse strings and stand up on his own two feet. And yeah, he needs a spine to do that.

 

At least now he's looking beyond the immediate neighborhood - they've all recognized that opportunities are scarse around that little town. Maybe if he does get far away from them, he'll finally make some personal growth of his own.

 

That's the "man" he's capable of becoming.

 

I love him and I believe in him.

[polywog]

Polywog ~ Thanks, you've given me good advice. All of you have, sb129, Ssheena, CaliGuy, and Trialbyfire.

 

Until we talked last night, I had been doing NC for a week. I contacted him last night about our friend who is dying. He thought I was doing NC because I was mad at him, but in fact I was preoccupied with work and other worries.

 

I didn't even know anything about this particular job interview and offer, which came at the beginning of the week, or about the withdrawal, which came yesterday. He's very bitter because he saw it as his chance to get far away from his parents with a good-paying job so he could finally achieve financial independence from them. Right now, he's completely reliant on them for support. He's trapped.

 

That's why I have mixed feelings. I'm just aching for him to cut the purse strings and stand up on his own two feet. And yeah, he needs a spine to do that.

 

At least now he's looking beyond the immediate neighborhood - they've all recognized that opportunities are scarse around that little town. Maybe if he does get far away from them, he'll finally make some personal growth of his own.

 

That's the "man" he's capable of becoming.

 

I love him and I believe in him.

 

I totally understand. You are a major catch, from what I can tell here, and if he lets you go I feel sorry for him. And extremely hopeful for you, as you seem me to be so loyal and loving (I relate!). I do hope that he finds a way away from the deadly purse strings (parents). Then he can get more clear.

 

My sister and her husband have lived in a posh village in Bavaria for years (he is not German, he's Australian) and I was not aware that the economy was so bad. Best of luck to you both.

[sb129]

Your words break my heart, but that doesn't stop me from loving him and believing in him. Of course I want the best for him, and I want that "best" to include me.

.

Of course you do. Its totally natural to feel this way.

 

Saying "let him go" is easy. But the heart holds on strong and deep. I know you know that.

I sure do.

 

You have had some great advice, particularly from Ssheena.

 

I really think that concentrating on yourself right now is going to help you get thru this.

Your guy may be the love of your life, but he does have the power to come back to you if he really wants to. I know he feels duty bound to his parents, but if they really cared about his happiness, and being with you in the US made him happy and he let them know that strongly enough, I think they would come around.

 

He may not be the guy you think he is babe, and its very

hard to see someone we love thru anything but rosecoloured spectacles.

 

I can kind of see your BFs point of view in a way, because I live 12000 miles away from my family, and however much you try to fit into a culture that isn't yours, its still strange sometimes.

I used to be with a MM (who left his W for me and then proceeded to make me as miserable as he had made her but thats another story) My family were worried sick about me being in this obviously unhappy R so far from home, and bc he had a kid he said he would never move to my country with me. In the end our R broke down because it was awful for many reasons, but there was definitely a little voice in the back of my head that said "do you really want to stay in this country away from your family forever??"

The honest answer was no, and esp not for a guy who treated me like that.

 

I digress. Anyway, i am now with a guy from my country and we are moving back there together next year, having just been back to check it out to see if thats what we want.

Our families are quite similar, and everything just feels so right. We have NONE of the small cutural differences that became such big issues in my last R. I can't wait to go back.

 

So this may come across as being negative to you, but living in different countries and cultures away from your family can be very hard. People may seem the same as you , but its the subtle differences that you don't see straighaway that can end up having a huge impact on a R.

 

Please bear this in mind. Polywog is right, you do sound like a catch, and you never know what (or who) is round the corner.

Take care of yourself, keep focused, and try the NC thing.

 

Good luck.

[Island Girl]

Hey Faith - you sound much better than the last time you put a thread up.

 

Here's my take --

 

I know what you are going through with the different culture and attitude in Germany. I know first hand.

 

I also know how effected parent/child relationships are by the differences - especially when it comes to the US.

 

His parents are completely unsupportive of him. So he only has you as a positive.

 

One of the best things you can do in this situation is be the one who listens and supports his thoughts and then, as you did, remind him of fun and good times that you have spent together.

Reminders of history together keep us close with people. Like inside jokes or adventures with best friends - they remind us that we are closer and share details that no one else does. It works the same way in romance.

 

I do not think you should be in full contact. I know the problems you have had with his parents and contact should be kept from low to extremely minimal -- but make sure they are good conversations.

 

He has broadened his search for employment. If he does end up taking a job AWAY from them there may be a chance that he will start gaining a bit of perspective and see that living away from them far away but on that side of the ocean would be the same as living away in the US. He wouldn't see them a lot obviously.

 

But I know they threatened to disown him and not give him his inheritance -- didn't they? Or am I confused.

 

If so - this is the only push back.

 

If a man can't stand on his own and be willing to make his own way in the world then there are serious problems within. I understand the cultural things being German raised in Germany brings. However, I could never respect a man who allowed someone -- anyone -- to hold money dangling over his head as a threat to live their way. Like a puppet in a string.

 

I was placed in this position a long time ago when I was very young - just out of high school. Inheritance was mentioned to me in a way that was supposed to sway a couple of decisions in my life because I was choosing a different path. My answer was then as it is now -- if I live my life by others choices I'd never be happy and all the money in the world wouldn't make my life my own again.

 

If this isn't the case -- I apologize for going off on a tangent.

 

I know you really care about him and he has been instrumental to you with your work. I feel he really cares about you as well -- especially in light of all of the effort he put into research for you while you were in NC.

 

There are just influences on his side that need to be addressed. I don't believe there is hop as long as he remains so steadfastly with his parents. If he lives anywhere near them there isn't much hope.

 

I'm sorry. He does need a backbone as another suggested. I completely understand some men are sensitive but they still need to be MEN -- strong and reliable and able to dedicate themselves to the woman of their choice.

 

If you were to marry him --- or live together in a committed relationship - you would have to know -- the two of you are the immediate family and his parents would have to become extended family.

 

I'm just not so sure he understands that or has the content of character to make that happen.

[CaliGuy]

That's the "man" he's capable of becoming.

 

I love him and I believe in him.

 

You seem focused on what he "could" be or "become" instead of what he is now. I mean, it's great and all that you have faith and believe in him but I think this quote sums it up best.

 

"The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

 

In other words, the only thing you have to go on is how he has acted in the past and acted now. There's nothing to suggest that he will change. Not to say he can't but right now that's all you have to go on.

 

Seems to me you are placing a lot of your hopes and dreams on someone who, at least to this point, hasn't really grown up or shown you one iota of potential.

 

Not good odds if you ask me. It's better to find someone who is more responsible and mature now. Because at least then you have something substancial to base your hopes on.

 

As it stands right now, I think if you continue to pursue this guy you will be sorely disappointed when he doesn't become what you think he can become. A lot of people get stuck in the same rut you are in. We all think we can change someone but he has to do that on his own.

 

He is outside your boundary, outside your control. The sooner you realize that and accept it, the better off you will be.

[Faith2]

"The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

 

See CG, that's the thing. All of his past behavior was that he DID stand up to his parents in defiance in order to be with me. He stood up to them SIX times... twice when he flew me to France and to Italy to see him, plus four times when he came to the US. Each visit was longer and more intense... and each confrontation with his parents was stronger and more harsh. He never really imagined they would threaten to cut him off.

 

But when he made it clear to them that he wanted to stay with me in the US, continue his studies, and make his career here... that's when they brought out the heavy artillery. GUILT. They literally brought him to his knees in tears, and it was a terrible thing to witness.

 

I don't know what was actually said between the three of them, but when he went back at Christmas, it was a re-enactment of The Return of The Prodigal Son.

 

Yet while he was here with me, his eyes had begun to open and his hopes took wing. Everything was going so well for him here. So you see, "what he could become" is not just my fantasy. I saw it.

 

I don't want to close the door on him.

 

He is painfully aware of the box he's gotten himself into... and mortified by it. None of his friends live with their parents. That's why he was so bitterly angry to lose that job offer yesterday. It would have been his ticket out of there. Took him 4 months to get a good offer. Now he feels like he's back at square zero.

[Faith2]

Hey Faith - you sound much better than the last time you put a thread up.

 

Island Girl ~ Your advice on my other thread was so helpful to me that I actually printed it out and kept it alongside my keyboard. It kept me safe and sane in NC mode, interspersed with bare-minimum LC for the past couple of weeks.

 

Reminders of history together keep us close with people. Like inside jokes or adventures with best friends - they remind us that we are closer and share details that no one else does. It works the same way in romance.

 

I do not think you should be in full contact. I know the problems you have had with his parents and contact should be kept from low to extremely minimal -- but make sure they are good conversations.

 

Please, if you can, would you give me more pointers about how to do this? I'm trying now, although it was nearly impossible the first 3 months after he left. I was too raw then, and I took it out on him hard. I'd try to be sweet and light, but I'd trip up and then out would pour bitter accusations of the "How-could-you-do-this-to-me" type. Then I would drop back to NC to get a grip on myself.

 

I think I have a better grip now, although it's still a little shaky.

 

He has broadened his search for employment. If he does end up taking a job AWAY from them there may be a chance that he will start gaining a bit of perspective and see that living away from them far away but on that side of the ocean would be the same as living away in the US. He wouldn't see them a lot obviously.

 

I'm hoping for this. I want to go see him. Obviously I can't do that when he's living with (or near) his parents. But if he ends up in a big city like Munich or Berlin (because that's where the jobs in his field are), then I could go see him.

 

He hasn't seen me in 4 months, not even a photo or webcam. I've purposely held back from webcam because I was afraid I'd break down and cry. But now I think I could be strong enough to do it. I'll have to think about this some more and maybe practice a bit. One thing's for sure... his heart totally melts whenever he sees me. It never fails. He loves the way I look, always tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, sweet. I think he needs to see me in order to fall in love again.

 

But I know they threatened to disown him and not give him his inheritance -- didn't they?

 

You're right. This is still a reality in his view. He sees his only way to freedom as getting a job and being financially independent of them.

 

If you were to marry him --- or live together in a committed relationship - you would have to know -- the two of you are the immediate family and his parents would have to become extended family.

 

I'm just not so sure he understands that or has the content of character to make that happen.

 

I'm not so sure either. He has a lot of growing to do. It won't happen unless he gets away from them. He's coming to that realization. He didn't grasp it 4 months ago when he first moved back with them. (Before he came to the US, he had his own place 100 miles away.) Now it appears that he's finally getting fed up with it. The fact that he would be willing to take a job 600 miles away from them - that says a lot for the big mind-change he's gone through in the past 4 months. Plus...his 30th birthday is looming. He doesn't want to turn 30 while still living under their roof... and under their control.

 

I miss him and I want to see him!! I wish we could meet somewhere else in Europe, but as long as he's living with his parents they wouldn't allow him to go.

[sb129]

I miss him and I want to see him!! I wish we could meet somewhere else in Europe, but as long as he's living with his parents they wouldn't allow him to go.

 

really?? they are THAT strict? How old is he? How come you can go to europe but not germany?

 

Couldn't you meet him in his city? His parents wouldn't necessarily have to know

[Faith2]

really?? they are THAT strict? How old is he?

 

Yes, really. He is strictly under their financial control. He has a large trust fund (came into it at age 25), but now his parents no longer "trust" him with that money because he spent many many thousands on travel and tuition to be with me. They view him as The Prodigal Son. The management of the trust fund is back under their control. He has no money of his own. He turns 30 in July.

 

How come you can go to europe but not germany?

Couldn't you meet him in his city? His parents wouldn't necessarily have to know

 

They would know. He doesn't live in a city but rather a very conservative small town where everybody knows everybody and their business.

[sb129]

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

HE TURNS 30 IN JULY AND IS STILL BEING RULED BY HIS PARENTS???????????

 

I am so sorry Faith2, but WTF?

 

If he can't stand up to them now, he never will.

 

I turn 30 this year. And I have been financially independent from my parents for well over seven years. They put me thru university, and I have had a chance to treat them to a couple of holidays as a thankyou. Five years ago I came to the UK, and even when there was a tiny chance I might stay here for good all they have given me is love and support, never threats or anger.

 

Faith I have read your other posts, this guy and the situation you are in causes you so much pain.

 

is it really worth it?

[sb129]

His parents are going to be the spectres lurking in the background of your R forever.

 

I don't think I could cope with that.

 

Sorry faith, but you are an intelligent woman who sounds like she would have no trouble finding another guy (when you are ready).

 

There are just so many obstacles in this scenario.

[Faith2]

I turn 30 this year. And I have been financially independent from my parents for well over seven years. They put me thru university, and I have had a chance to treat them to a couple of holidays as a thankyou. Five years ago I came to the UK, and even when there was a tiny chance I might stay here for good all they have given me is love and support, never threats or anger.

 

You're fortunate to be blessed with a healthy relationship with your parents and a healthy self-image that's probably due in large part to that good relationship.

 

His situation is quite different. His parents are now in their mid-70s.

 

Imagine, if you will, a childless couple in their mid-40s being presented with the opportunity to rescue a 1-day-old illegitimate baby boy by adopting him, showering him with every indulgence, and smothering him with way too much care and control. They "spoiled" him in the very real sense of the word... creating an adult child who has not yet learned to stand on his own two feet because he has never yet had to.

 

He knows this, he knows that it has hindered rather than helped him. That's why he's so unhappy about this job offer falling through. It was his ticket out. Now he's still stuck there until he can find another ticket out.

 

We'll see what happens. I'm not shutting the door on him yet.

[Poboy]

its his guilt feeling of his parents wishes v/s you and your love... if he dropped out and moved there , thats a really big step for someone that involved in his career at nearly 30 which shows he has a much stronger feeling of being with his parents rather than with you and sadly i think its going to remain like that.a strong , career minded , controlling his life kind of person wouldnt do it but a family man ( with immense love for family for what they have done for him ) will and thats what he is ... obligated to taking care of his parents for what they have done for him ... in a way , returning the favour.

 

he can only change his mind when he realises where his life is heading and how he has make the choice between his life and you or his parents. you can play an important role in him relaisng this , but you need to put in lot of effort by convincing him and making him realise this and that , eventually 'He has to make the decision of which way he will go' ... the sooner the better for him and you too. this can go either way in my opinion.

[polywog]

See CG, that's the thing. All of his past behavior was that he DID stand up to his parents in defiance in order to be with me. He stood up to them SIX times... twice when he flew me to France and to Italy to see him, plus four times when he came to the US. Each visit was longer and more intense... and each confrontation with his parents was stronger and more harsh. He never really imagined they would threaten to cut him off.

 

But when he made it clear to them that he wanted to stay with me in the US, continue his studies, and make his career here... that's when they brought out the heavy artillery. GUILT. They literally brought him to his knees in tears, and it was a terrible thing to witness.

 

I don't know what was actually said between the three of them, but when he went back at Christmas, it was a re-enactment of The Return of The Prodigal Son.

 

Yet while he was here with me, his eyes had begun to open and his hopes took wing. Everything was going so well for him here. So you see, "what he could become" is not just my fantasy. I saw it.

 

I don't want to close the door on him.

 

He is painfully aware of the box he's gotten himself into... and mortified by it. None of his friends live with their parents. That's why he was so bitterly angry to lose that job offer yesterday. It would have been his ticket out of there. Took him 4 months to get a good offer. Now he feels like he's back at square zero.

 

Hmmm. You've given more information and thus clarified the situation a bit. Now I am less prone to say total "NC".

 

He's obviously in a spot. And he has shown spunk in the past, you say. I reckon he is demoralized and depressed.

 

He may still need a little space, though to figure himself out. I don't know quite how I'd handle it. Maybe agree to communicate once a week, or longer? That way if you two have a set time to talk/email there can be some space for both of you. I don't know. Maybe someone smarter and wiser than me will have better ideas of what to do.

 

Given what you have said in your last post, I'd have a hard time myself abandonning a guy I loved in his position. Geeez. Others out there in LSville, what do you all think?

[Island Girl]

Island Girl ~ Your advice on my other thread was so helpful to me that I actually printed it out and kept it alongside my keyboard. It kept me safe and sane in NC mode, interspersed with bare-minimum LC for the past couple of weeks.

 

I'm glad I could help you Faith. Really. And I have wondered about what is going on with you lately so I am glad you posted.

 

Please, if you can, would you give me more pointers about how to do this? I'm trying now, although it was nearly impossible the first 3 months after he left. I was too raw then, and I took it out on him hard. I'd try to be sweet and light, but I'd trip up and then out would pour bitter accusations of the "How-could-you-do-this-to-me" type. Then I would drop back to NC to get a grip on myself.

 

First -- about you. You have made the decision that you are not giving up on him. You are not giving up on the situation as it stands. So you need to really get to the point where you actually accept how it is right now.

 

That means no more anger and frustration being brought up because of the past. I know it is easier said than done. But you are beating a dead horse if it keeps coming up. It won't make anything better or different.

 

Just let it go. Your focus and drive needs to be toward tomorrow not yesterday. The future is the only possible place to possibly influence and see change.

 

Conversations need to be supportive of HIS independent choices. The choices his parents AREN'T going going to support are the ones you actually do. So that part should be easy.

 

The recollections of memories will strengthen your connection. They are the good times - the funny things shared together - the romantic moments spent together - places you have gone or seen together.

 

Focus on just one before you get off the phone, IM, or whatever. Bring it up like "you know what I was thinking about the other day" or something like that. Reminisce together and create the warm fuzzy feeling with each other.

 

When he contact stops with you he'll be happy. He'll be left with those fuzzy feelings and a longing to see you. He'll be remembering good times with you -- and from what his living situation seems to be now - he'll be quickly reminded how unhappy he is there without you.

 

The contact still needs to be low so he has to sit miserable with your contact becoming the highlight of his life -- not that he can have it anytime he wants. He has to be longing for it. In his situation I think it won't be hard to achieve.

 

I'm hoping for this. I want to go see him. Obviously I can't do that when he's living with (or near) his parents. But if he ends up in a big city like Munich or Berlin (because that's where the jobs in his field are), then I could go see him.

 

I am hoping he gets something AWAY from them for both of your sakes and soon. But please, under the circumstances, don't just jump at the chance to go see him. He has to show you he is getting his act together a little bit. Hopefully experiencing independence and being ALONE will lead to some realizations for him. You want him to have more of an independent foundation and that means not depending on you either -- at least for a little while he needs to be on his own with his own thoughts.

 

He hasn't seen me in 4 months, not even a photo or webcam. I've purposely held back from webcam because I was afraid I'd break down and cry. But now I think I could be strong enough to do it. I'll have to think about this some more and maybe practice a bit. One thing's for sure... his heart totally melts whenever he sees me. It never fails. He loves the way I look, always tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, sweet. I think he needs to see me in order to fall in love again.

 

Are there any special occasions coming up? If he does get a job elsewhere -- use that. It is a perfect excuse to get a card - glue your picture in the inside left. Make it a large one that encompasses the entire space.

 

Men don't usually have frames lying around and sending a framed picture is presumptuous. He'll be able to stand the card up - probably next to his computer so he'll see it all the time. Whether he is talking to you or not.

 

 

I'm not so sure either. He has a lot of growing to do. It won't happen unless he gets away from them. He's coming to that realization. He didn't grasp it 4 months ago when he first moved back with them. (Before he came to the US, he had his own place 100 miles away.) Now it appears that he's finally getting fed up with it. The fact that he would be willing to take a job 600 miles away from them - that says a lot for the big mind-change he's gone through in the past 4 months. Plus...his 30th birthday is looming. He doesn't want to turn 30 while still living under their roof... and under their control.

 

The thing that worries me most is his age. He is almost 30. He should be a lot more independent than he is -- even in his thoughts.

 

Now -- I am also taking into account that he moved back only 4 months ago and he appears to be seeing "the light". I think you are right and it does say a lot in comparison to what was going on just a few months ago.

 

I just wonder how much the money side is weighing in his decision making.

 

That would be a serious worry for me. A man - worthy of my respect and adoration - would need to be able to let go of anything material if it was what was restricting him from being with me. I just know things can happen very easily and vows like for richer and poorer or in sickness and in health need to really mean just that.

 

I miss him and I want to see him!! I wish we could meet somewhere else in Europe, but as long as he's living with his parents they wouldn't allow him to go.

 

This is striking. They wouldn't allow him to go.

 

So he has to get permission now to go places or take a vacation? -- I'm having a hard time with this Faith. He is almost 30 years old. Please keep in mind that my mother has threatened to disown me in some way pretty consistently since I was 19 years old. It has never stopped me from living my life as I want to live it. It has stopped me from being in contact with her (my choice) a couple of times though never for very long. I was placed in a position when I moved back from the east coast where I had to move back in with my mom for a few months. I still came and go as I pleased and made my own choices.

 

Please just keep this in mind Faith. He has to be very decisive in the end of all of this and you need to keep your eyes open the entire journey.

 

I'm pulling for you. I know you really do care about each other. I just want him to know (and think he should already) that is what life is about.

[Faith2]

Island Girl ~ Thanks so much for everything you've written. Especially thanks for the wonderful photo idea... I'll definitely do that at the first opportunity. He told me he keeps the little seashells I sent him right on his desk next to his computer.

 

He can't just up and take a vacation without their permission because they control his trust fund now, they control the purse strings. He has no money of his own. No job either. Probably no self-esteem at the moment either, now that the job offer fell through.

 

He emailed earlier today and said he wants to phone me tonight (in about 3 hours from now), so I'll follow your suggestion and reminisce about some happy memories before we hang up.