Brazilian Affair turned sour. HELP!!

[gromenauer]

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Hi everybody,

 

First of all, thanks to everyone involved with this site. It's great help.

 

Secondly, I wasn't sure if my story was under this topic, but I'm in a mess and thought this was the most appropriate.

 

Finally, before I even start writing about this, I have to say that I acknowledge everything that has happened and where I stand, but I still feel bad.

 

OK. I'm 23. She's 28. I'm British. She's Brazilian.

 

We met in university in 2001, and it truly was a wonderful relationship. We were just great together. Of course we had ups and downs like anyone else, but it was really good. Up until April this year. She lived with me for three months last winter while looking for a job.

 

She found a job, went home, and returned from her country in March to be with me and gain some work experience abroad.

 

Now, two things happened to me:

 

1- I screwed up my studies and got injured physically.

 

2- I had a previous relationship that screwed up. She started dating a guy from work.

 

Needless to say, that (1) made fears of (2) haunt me. I started to feel really bad about it. I was jobless. She was succeeding and I was in the gutter. I felt envy. I felt I needed her to help me, but she wasn't there because she had to work.

 

I didn't understand her responsibilities. I started to accuse her falsely of cheating and treat her bad. Told her I didn't want this anymore. Didn't cheat on her though (and as far as I know she hasn't on me).

 

Then on a wknd whe went away. I thought about everything that happened and decided that I wouldn't let my problems spoil this relationship. I would fight her back.

 

I went back to her and said; "I know that by now you might think I'm an idiot and stopped loving me, but I want to tell you that I'm sorry and I want to continue".

 

She agreed. That was the beginning of my nightmare.

 

From that point onwards, I have been the best boyfriend in the world. And have received nothing in return from her. We had good times, but they were scarce. Every setback we had I blamed myself and tried harder. At times, I went mad at her because she wasn't responding.

 

I scared her away. Instead of following that "If you love someone, let them go..." saying, I became possessed with fear and forced things. And the more I forced, the less it worked.

 

Eventually, I sorted out my life and moved to another town to start a new course. We kept on seeing each other for a few weekends. She was trying, but not hard enough. And I couldn't trust that.

 

Then she gave up and starting walking all over me. At the same time, I was finding it hard to adjust to the new town and implored for her help. I got nothing.

 

The more I cried, the less I got. It got to a point in which she didn't even bother replying my messages/phone calls. She got bored and my self-esteem was rock bottom.

 

Then, for X'mas, we both went home to our parents'. I phoned her a couple of times, and said:

 

"Despite everything that has happened I have no ill-feelings towards you. I forgive and believe you are special. I like you and want to be with you, but I will allow you to feel free to come back"

 

I understood that I had been very frail and lost control of my emotions. I was starting to overcome that yet recognised her as being someone really special.

 

The problem is that she still hasn't phoned me since she went back home. I phoned her on X'mas day and asked, "what's your problem? Why don't you phone/email even to let me know you are ok?" We argued. I asked her to let me know what the hell it is she wants, because one time she is saying nice things, and how it is possible to get back together again but when it comes down to reality she does absolutely nothing. Not even to keep a friendship. I got nothing out of that call.

 

In fact, I know that something similar happened to her in the past. She was with a bf for 4 years and just left him one day because she wasn't feeling right. Because she couldn't pursue her ambitions. This is scary because she seems to be a person to love to the max and then one day just lose her illusions completely and leave. I thought relationships were more complex than that.

 

I am really angry at her to the point that I've questioned myself if it is actually hate what I feel.

 

However I have let this feeling go and accepted things. Remembered her for when she was nice, not when she was bad.

 

The point is:

 

She has told me things such as: "I've never been able to forgive you" "We have lost our flame" "Sorry to fail you" "I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore" "I really admire you but the love has gone".

 

- I know that relationships are all about timing.

 

- I know the problem of loving is hers, not mine.

 

 

SO MY QUESTIONS ARE:

 

How can someone so good turned so bad?

 

If she said she admired me and liked me as a friend, why does she act like an enemy?

 

If she realises her mistakes and wants to go back, or even just talk and be friends, what shall I do? Ignore her like she has done to me and move on, or allow for another chance to happen?

 

Thank you!

 

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[Tony T]

1. How can someone so good turned so bad?

 

It doesn't sound like she was all that nice. You had the illusion she was but she's a user and very unstable. She's not ready for a long term relationship. Send her love and wish her the best as she evolves and matures in a very complex world.

 

She was not that great the whole time. Your view of her changed as you became more conscious of the way she was.

 

2. If she said she admired me and liked me as a friend, why does she act like an enemy?

 

Probably out of guilt. Most users feel very guilty. You have also treated her far too nicely. People who treat others like crap have absolutely no respect for their victims if they don't stand up to them. You should have never allowed her to treat you the way she did. If you would have stood up and held your ground, you would have been a lot better off.

 

The way she is behaving now is pretty normal for a woman who has been permitted by a man to walk all over him unfettered.

 

3. If she realises her mistakes and wants to go back, or even just talk and be friends, what shall I do? Ignore her like she has done to me and move on, or allow for another chance to happen?

 

Ignore her. You will hear from her again but users only come back to use somemore. You have proven yourself to be an easy target and she will try to come back and get more of what you have to offer. But since she has no respect for you, you will continue to receive nothing in return.

 

She will never realise her mistakes because in her eyes she has made none. You have given her a payoff for everything she has done to you. You have reinforced her evil.

 

Since you have already taught her how to treat you, it will be very hard to turn this around. In other words, if you no longer allow her to use you once she comes back into your life, she will quickly leave.

 

I wouldn't even giver her the time of day. If you tell her where to go, chances are she will already be there.

 

And stop treating people so nice who treat you so badly. Be a man and stand up for yourself.

[Bizzit]

I agree with tony. You should move on, she has a problem with reality it seems. you had the right to get down on your self as anyone and all have done befor that should not of been an issue or I personaly dont think it should have. She flea's when it gets tough and you need someone who is going to be there with and for you the rest of your life. Be her friend... dont shut her off like she is dirt but remember to watch your emotions when talking to her. She made the choice not to come back to you all you can do is be her friend. JMOFWIW

[gromenauer]

Thanks for the advice. I would welcome any more views on the subject.

 

I know my mistakes and all, however I have to admit it is very hard to move on.

 

I realise now too, that she has actually been quite immature. She definitely does not deserve that label of "special" if her perception of relationships is so unreal.

 

The fact is that I still care for her, and appreciate her. I refuse to see her as a nasty person.

 

If at least I could open a dialogue with her, allow to understand the reailty of the situation, it would make me feel much better.

 

I can't live with the fact the she probably hates me and ignores me when I have done nothing wrong. I really don't like the idea that there's someone out there who thinks I'm bad. Especially after the wonderful relationship we had.

 

I've never experienced this situation before with any of my ex's.

 

She's still on holidays. I refuse to phone her, but have emailed several times without success. I wish we were able to talk and remain friendly. In fact, I'm certain that she would be capable of even loving if instead of doing a runner she faced up to this and perceived me for who I really am.

 

It's really frustrating and produces me a great level of anxiety. What could I do to get her to communicate with her without seeming bad and needy? Even if I can't, how do I move on from this frustration?

[clia]

What could I do to get her to communicate with her without seeming bad and needy? Even if I can't, how do I move on from this frustration?

 

Nothing. The more you chase, the more needy and pathetic you seem. Seriously, you feed her ego the more you send e-mails and/or call. She is *laughing* at you. She is telling her friends about your e-mails and LAUGHING that you are still after her considering how she treated you. SHE IS LAUGHING AT YOU!!!

 

Seriously.

 

Stop this right now.

 

You will move out of this frustration by moving on with your life, without her in it. You will (eventually when you are ready) meet other women, and pursue your goals and ambitions.

 

She does not want you and this relationship is over.

 

MOOOOOVE ON!

 

(That is my mantra tonight!)

 

I don't mean to be mean, but seriously, this is how it looks based on how you posted.