NPD or just selfish? Abuser or victim?

[luvstarved]

I have googled around on the internet trying to understand my relationship with my H and specifically whether there is any hope for us!

 

H definitely has many NPD characteristics but has a lot of good points, too.

Unfortunately, I am not sure if his good points outweigh the NPD stuff, that is part of what I am trying to figure out.

 

The other part is wondering whether I am a mere victim or have I become an abuser as well??? That part is dicey, because of course my H blames everything on me, so naturally I have to question whether he is at least partly right.

 

His NPD: wants to control everything and is never wrong; needs a lot of attention and reassurance; pays me more attention when I pay him less; prefers "solo sex" to me; gets REALLY angry when things don't go his way; is seriously lacking emotionally; does not listen to other people unless he is the topic; avoids intimate discussions while describing himself as an "open book"; avoids doing his fair share of responsibilities; double standard with money, kids (his stepkids are "out of control", his biological child is the greatest kid ever), me (him late or angry or forgetful -OK, me - inexcusable); his needs are his needs - mine are emotional "problems"; he is

who he is and does not need to change - I need to "look in the mirror" and get my act together; happy as long as he can do what he wants to do and

is not asked to do anything he doesn't want to do; gets highly offended at perceived "slights" that I don't think exist

 

Not NPD: very supportive as long as it is some"external" thing (work, other family, etc) and not about "us"; not the least jealous - doesn't care when I

go on business trips with 6 guys, etc, doesn't care if I do things without him; swears he loves me; seems realistic in many ways about his liabilities and assets (eg, knows he is not the very best player on his baseball team and seems ok with that); not a "poor loser"

 

My potentially abusive traits: sarcastic sometimes over his unwillingness to help out around the house; resentful over lack of satisfying sex life; withdrawn at times when I feel hopeless, try to emotionally detach in response to his "don't care" attitude; sometimes when he seems to be trying to be kind, I feel like I still want to "punish" him for his lack of caring, etc.

 

I started off on this board over the sex issue. It bothers me BIG TIME that he not only prefers masturbation to me, but denies it! Even denies that it is possible for a person to prefer masturbation, yet jumped through hoops to avoid having to have sex with me, while doing himself 3-4 x a week and looking (only occasionally) at porn. Swears that it is my failure to attend to his emotional needs that brought us here. Yesterday we went on a great outing but later that night when I tried to cuddle him, he practically recoiled in horror. I very calmly tried to discuss this with him and he was

like, yes I am uncomfortable because I am afraid I will say the wrong thing and make you mad, when I said I was just trying to understand him and try to figure out how I can improve that situation, he was like I don't know what you want from me. This morning, he went off to jerk offf in the shower, I decided I was not going to let it bother me, went about my business,b ut then when I didn't hang on his every word, he needed reassurance that I "adore" him...WTF?

 

To me, it's like, do you want me or not? To him, it seems to be, yes I want you, but only to feed my ego and make my life simpler. When I suggest maybe we should break up, then he panics first then later tells me I am scarily uncommitted to the relationship. Well there is commitment and commitment...

 

Sorry I don't even know what I am asking, I just needed to vent I guess. Thanks for reading...

[Tony T]

Not any way we can diagnose your husband based on what you have written here....or probably not even if we interviewed him personally. We are not trained professionals. But you do have some very serious problems in a lot of areas.

 

The answer to your post, however, is VERY simple. Do his good points outweigh his bad points? No matter what you've got, there's always worse...and better. What you have to ask yourself is: Are you able to tolerate his bad points over a very long period of time? Are you getting enough out of this to want to stay or are his bad points draining you? Narcissists can drain the hell out of you emotionally and physically over time.

 

So, you need only sit a few minutes to determine in your mind what you can put up with and be satisfied. For my money, this guy would be way too confusing to keep around but I don't have a vested interest in your marriage and neither does anybody else here.

[Trialbyfire]

A true narcissist is an extreme case of selfishness, where the universe revolves around "me, me, me".

 

Are you both in IC and MC? If not, please consider it, if you can get him to go.

 

I'm not a big proponent of staying in a marriage for marriage sakes. I believe that marriage doesn't supercede every deal-breaker. Why saddle yourself for life with someone you no longer trust or respect? Love is not enough, especially when it's only on one side.

[Shandy]

I agree there are better guys out there. I recommend the book: how to break your addiction to a person. I have the same problem actually. When I read your post above I feel that my guy has a lot of what you described. We were together for 10 years. That's why I'm doing NC now... because if all those things bothered me for the past 10 years, they will continue to bother me for the rest of my life. And while no one is perfect, it generally helps that he doesn't have one of the following characteristics:

 

a bad temper

doesn't love you 100%

drug/sex addictions

dishonesty

cannot hold a job/lazy

selfishness

 

I just decided to add selfishness to the list today.