My story

[Sup]

I know what you mean! (Shaking!) Gotta have that LS Fix! As far as your children being a burden around her, nah, besides why would you want to subject THEM to all of that crap?! I know you love them more than that, but, I know what you mean. As far as she being MAD about you telling the whole world about what she did, Screw her! She did what she did, and she just wants you to be nice and foot the bill, take your medicine, whatever bullcrap she wants to throw your way. So what does her family think of her actions?

[Gunny376]

No matter how you slice it, dice it, serve it up ~ divorce sucks. When I was going through mine ~ I hadn't seen my children for two years. The XW and I separated two years into a three year tour in Okinawa. She left with the children in July of 90' ~ the following month I deployed to Kuwait during the first Gulf War. Hell she wouldn't have even needed a lawyer, just a first year law student to get custody.

 

The way it paid off in "spades" Sup is that I've got two well adjusted, mature, responsible children ~ that's what mattered. And they're each other's best friend. Along with their half-sister. I mean they're tight. I bit the bullet for them, and yea it sucked, and it was hard ~ but so what? That's what Daddy's are suppose to do.

 

I'd go for full custody. Screw her! I'd go for the Full House (As in poker)! My situation was different, LS, the internet, Marriagebuilders, and Lady Jane, Sup, RossterDAR and others weren't around back in the day and I was flying by the seat of my pants~! I was out there all alone, just me, myself and I.

 

As far as exposing the affair ~ damn right I would! Hey when you dance with the Devil you should expect to get burned!

[Gunny376]

Gunny called you everything good but, You're a Marine! He doesn't give those bunnies for nothin either!

 

I would have ~ but the EGA (Eagle, Globe and Anchor) has to be earned through blood, sweat, and tears. Sorry ~ not my rule. (Damn just typing that made my allergies kick in, my eyes water up ~ damned PTSD! I don't cry for me? I cry for my brothers and sister Marines ~ Man those were some fine people and folks. I still crack up at their sense of humor during bad times. hard times. LOL! Marines can come up with some "lines" I loved everyone of them!)

[Gunny376]

You've given me my worst nightmare! Lady Jane as a commissioned officer in the Marines?

[Woggle]

She actually called her own daughter tainted? If I were you I would document that because a judge will not like it. It seems that we have a female Alec Baldwin on our hands. If I were you I get a lawyer right now and start planning for the divorce. Start looking for a good one today as soon as business hours start.

[azianpride143]

Yes she did unfortunately. Well tonight we had a setback. One of her aunts blew the whistle on her and spread the news to her whole clan. She confronted me and told me that what I did was unacceptable and she now looks like crap in front of her family. She said she did not do anything with this guy. He is just a friend. Wow big time denial. Man her performance was amazing I almost believed it.

 

Then I realized her brother who was originally on my side has been turned against me. He is now helping her and has told her all my plans. Lesson learned do not trust the other party's family. Man that was a stupid mistake on my part. So she warned her sister to have a lawyer review all the paperwork before she signs.

 

She is now asking for 50/50 physical/legal custody of the kids. Eventhough she agrees the kids stay with me 4-5 days a week and her 2-3. For me to keep the house and make payments on it and that when I sell it she still gets half. She said she will not ask for alimony or child support at all. And that she knows she can get away with it if she wants to. So now I have to get back to my lawyer and discuss this new scenario.

 

Also she wants me to have something in writing that I have asked her to move out of the house. She said she doesnt want to make it look like she abandoned her kids. All of a sudden the tables have been turned.

 

I'm going to have to deal with her another month in the house since she said she cant keep moving around from an apartment for one month and her other home when her parents leave next month. Plus I'm tapped out money wise. What a setback, unbelievable. I thought I had it all laid out. It's my fault for trusting her side of the family. All they care about is their reputation wether their sister was wrong. I'm at a loss this evening and will sleep it off. She weared me out bigtime. She was prepared and I was caught off guard. I buckled under pressure and lost all control of the situation. What a mess....

[Woggle]

This is why I say get a lawyer as soon as possible. Men tend to get screwed in court because they let themselves be walked over so don't give in without a fight. She sounds like a woman that will eventually hang herself like my ex did so keep covering yourself and stand up for your rights.

[Chrome Barracuda]

okay so minor setback it aint the end. You know what you redouble your strength and go hard the next time you circle. Her brother is an idiot he's trying to show her loyalty for what, blood is thicker but you know what that makes him look like a jackass condoning her actions. When he's married and his wife is cheating, let's see if his sister supports him?

 

Or the other way around. Trust me AP, these people your dealing with they get crazy, WW's they lose their minds and cannot think clearly. If you have prrof of the affair that's all you need. I mean some hardcore stone cold evidence, irrefutable proof.

 

Go get a lawyer, find a way to buy her ot of the house at market value and keep it moving. If anything go for 50/50 with you being primary, Y? because the kids have a better shot with you.

 

Oh and no alimony. Time to lawyer up. Strap yourself to that F-16 and dive headfirst into the battle field. Hope it works out for you. do or die.

[El-Producto]

Azian, your story is so similar to mine and others it's scary. If I've learned one thing through all of this, it's that Wayward Spouses are seriously cut from the same mold. Their actions, words everything they do is so predictable. It's strange as to why we as Betrayed Spouses can't all do the same thing, and react appropriately.

 

This is going to be one of the toughest things you've ever had to deal with in life, I can guarantee you that. Sometimes you will feel so strong, and sometimes you will feel like the lowest form of life. The bottom line is you have to worry about yourself, and not your STBXW. I've learned that my STBXW doesn't care about me or my feelings, so there is no point being dissapointed when she doesn't exhibit any.

 

Good job on exposure, I did the same thing. It didn't seem to do anything in my case, because my STBXW firmly believes that she is doing nothing wrong, and that her having the affair was my fault. She's coming up with all sorts of things that I apparantly did "wrong" during our marriage. I'm sure if you had met her for the first time, you'd think she was an angel and I was a total scumbag. Thankfully I know, and my friends and family know that that is not the case.

 

Stay strong, and if you are having a weak moment, don't call your STBXW, post here. This is one of the best coping mechanisms I have developed yet. Even if it is just someone like Gunny telling you to grow a pair, and get tough. It all helps.

[Ladyjane14]

You've given me my worst nightmare! Lady Jane as a commissioned officer in the Marines?

 

:lmao:

Not as far-fetched as it sounds... well, not if you ask my kids. They've been doing their 'time-outs' in the corner, (nose NOT touching my walls!), at parade rest... since they were big enough to earn a 'time out'. All the while, they have the thrill and privilege of ME, whispering 'sweet nothings' into their ears.

 

 

 

Anyway, back to the subject at hand... Divorces always seem to end up messy, AP. You hear alot of folks say they're going to go the "amicable divorce" route, and then push comes to shove it doesn't quite work out that way. When you're dealing with a WS, who's already living in her own personal Disneyland... figure the odds, right?

 

Hey, if she's already pissed off anyway and wants to fight... go ahead and out the affair to OM's wife. (Or at least tell her you're planning on it. )

THAT would give her something else to worry about besides just screwing with your mind. lolol

 

Do you have enough solid evidence? It sounds like her family is buying into the "we're just friends" story. Can you dispel that? I mean, it's not going to make a whole lot of difference to your in-law's. Blood is thicker than water, and regardless of her cheating, they'll end up on her side. That's natural though, and even though it's got to hurt your feelings a little bit... it's something that a betrayed spouse has to put into perspective. ie. If it was your daughter or sister, you might be disappointed in her, but you'd still be unlikely to turn your back and disown her, right?

 

If you do someday expose to OM's wife or place of business, it's best to be able to provide some evidence. The difference between slander and the truth is after all... your able to prove your words.

 

For now though, it sounds like you're on the right track. Talk things over with your attorney. Personally, I'd have no problem with giving her a letter...

"To Whom It May Concern:

Due to my wife's extramarital affair with so-and-so, I've asked her to remove herself and her belongings from our residence at such-and-such address.

Yours Truly... "

 

:lmao: Hey, why not give cheaters what they want??? It's not like they won't try to take it from you anyway.

 

Bottom line. This is a one-day-at-a-time situation and it's gonna get a little messy here and there. You haven't lost any real ground. It was ALWAYS going to come down to lawyers because of the WS mindset of "me first".

 

You can still play the game smart though. Allow her a false sense of security until you get the deal inked. You can always burn her ass later with scorch-the-earth exposure. Heck, I would. Particularly after she'd enlightened me to the fact that it irritates her.

 

And remember that she's in NO POSITION to "corner" you. You don't HAVE to talk to her anymore. That's the beauty of divorce. You've got two legs and an attorney. Give her his business card and walk away.

[azianpride143]

That's my plan today. I just could not figure out why I let her walk all over me yesterday evening. She still has this notion that "she's only having an emotional affair" and that there's nothing physical (sex) between them. She sweared to God when she said this. I believe it's more than that. She believes I have gone mental and I have blown this out of proportion and that there is no longer any hope in our marriage. I could care less about our marriage at this point. It is beyond repair. I am glad I'm getting the encouragements to keep fighting the fight.

 

I still have to talk to my lawyer about both the house and custody issues she brought up. I swear she did a complete 360 degree on this. Her brother is a divorcee and the same thing happened to him. His wife left him because of his addiction to porn and constant fooling around. He is now married to this Romanian girl he found online. I believe she used to be one of the sex entertainers he used to interact with. Her family's condoning the affair because they are protecting their reputation. Tells me they dont care. I will no longer be in contact with them. I am through with her and her family.

 

Last night, I gave her the ground rules since she's staying here for another month. I told her our discussion will revolve around who takes care of the kids, work schedule, weekend plans, etc. I am sticking to my guns with regards to no longer having civilized conversations about how her date/day went. Maybe this is good for me. Her staying here. The more I will hate her and keep me going for the next month. I know it will be a difficult road. I just have to be strong.

 

She also asked me did you tell the OW. I flat out denied it. I said what am I getting out of it. I could care less about him at all. Deep inside I'm brewing inside. I've got her letters professing her feelings for him, cell phone bills showing text messages all night long and phone calls. They are blatant in being seen in public so a detective can be easily hired to get what I need later on if it even warrants that.

 

She's acting today that she's got bronchitis. I could care less since I will not take care of her ass. She's got plans to go out with him. I can tell since she needs that emotional reassurance that justifies her actions.

 

I'll try to call my lawyer today and see if I can talk to him. I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 3PM. I want to ask him what to do next. I will keep this by the book. I know he's going to advice me to try to do this amicably. But if there's a fighting chance I will fight regardless of the cost.

[azianpride143]

:lmao:

For now though, it sounds like you're on the right track. Talk things over with your attorney. Personally, I'd have no problem with giving her a letter...

"To Whom It May Concern:

Due to my wife's extramarital affair with so-and-so, I've asked her to remove herself and her belongings from our residence at such-and-such address.

Yours Truly... "

 

You gave me a good laugh with this... I like it. At least she got what she wants.

 

She keeps reverting back to were only friends crap. Yeah a friend your willing to give up 15 years of marriage for. Sure whatever. Deny all you want. I'm not stupid and crazy to act this way.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's right AP do what needs to be done. show her who's boss!!!

[azianpride143]

Hey man keep on chugging. We are both on the same path and I'm glad I'm not alone. They say criminals deny guilt because if they feel guilty they will commit suicide. This is the same behaviour mine has to. The blame is all on us and not on the one that cheated. I made a list of things I want to accomplish/do that I never got the chance to do like:

 

1.learn to scuba

2.learn to play golf

3.beat gunny on the firing range

4.go back to college

 

This will help you re-focus your life and turn it around. I am up for a huge promotion at my job which I'm turning down. My ex was very interested in me making sure I make more money. I will not give her the satisfaction. Jobs come and go. I work in a highly specialized field where the demand is high and not enough skilled workers. She was going like, do this for the kids. Yah right. I'll take a higher paying job once I'm divorced. Yeah feel sorry for me. I told her right now my priority is my kids and I want to spend more time with them. She told me well I'm here and if you need me to take care of them because you have to travel I will. It's obvious the less time I spend with my kids the more leverage she will have for better custody and more support. Plus I told her flat out. My job choices is now my decision and you no longer have a right to tell me what to do.

 

 

Azian, your story is so similar to mine and others it's scary. If I've learned one thing through all of this, it's that Wayward Spouses are seriously cut from the same mold. Their actions, words everything they do is so predictable. It's strange as to why we as Betrayed Spouses can't all do the same thing, and react appropriately.

 

This is going to be one of the toughest things you've ever had to deal with in life, I can guarantee you that. Sometimes you will feel so strong, and sometimes you will feel like the lowest form of life. The bottom line is you have to worry about yourself, and not your STBXW. I've learned that my STBXW doesn't care about me or my feelings, so there is no point being dissapointed when she doesn't exhibit any.

 

Good job on exposure, I did the same thing. It didn't seem to do anything in my case, because my STBXW firmly believes that she is doing nothing wrong, and that her having the affair was my fault. She's coming up with all sorts of things that I apparantly did "wrong" during our marriage. I'm sure if you had met her for the first time, you'd think she was an angel and I was a total scumbag. Thankfully I know, and my friends and family know that that is not the case.

 

Stay strong, and if you are having a weak moment, don't call your STBXW, post here. This is one of the best coping mechanisms I have developed yet. Even if it is just someone like Gunny telling you to grow a pair, and get tough. It all helps.

[Sup]

You've given me my worst nightmare! Lady Jane as a commissioned officer in the Marines?

 

 

Sure! ANYTIME!

[Sup]

She actually called her own daughter tainted? If I were you I would document that because a judge will not like it. It seems that we have a female Alec Baldwin on our hands. If I were you I get a lawyer right now and start planning for the divorce. Start looking for a good one today as soon as business hours start.

 

 

I agree wholeheartly!

[Sup]

 

Also she wants me to have something in writing that I have asked her to move out of the house. She said she doesnt want to make it look like she abandoned her kids. All of a sudden the tables have been turned.

 

 

NEVER DO THIS!!!!! GIVE HER NOTHING IN WRITING AT ALL!!!!!!

 

She's trying to put the spin on you, talk to your Lawyer about all that has happened NOW! Even about her wanting something in writing! Make sure that she can't find this web site, cover ALL your tracks! She's fixin to SCREW you over royaly. I say go sole custody! Like I say, talk to your Lawyer NOW!

[azianpride143]

I tried to get in touch with my lawyer today. But he's not available. I have an appointment with him tomorrow and will let him know what happened so far. I really don't want to make this divorce difficult and prolong my suffering. I will get my lawyer's advice and go take it from there. I'll let you folks know what happens tomorrow.

 

She doesn't have access to my computer since I do this for a living it's kinda hard to hack into my machine. Esp. a mac.

 

I understand I have to be ready for the worst. But I honestly believe she wants to just get this over with as well.

 

The part I'm having issues with is my paranoid imagination, depression, and issues letting go. I am seeing a therapist to help me with this. But does anyone have some good suggestions with dealing with the emotional ups and down. I understand that this is normal because of what I'm going through. But suggestions can help.

[Ladyjane14]

...does anyone have some good suggestions with dealing with the emotional ups and down. I understand that this is normal because of what I'm going through. But suggestions can help.

 

Yeah... it's normal. They don't call it an "emotional rollercoaster" for nothing!

 

Your best bet, first and foremost, is to take superlative care of your body. Eat right, sleep right, avoid alcohol, get the appropriate exercise, etc. Stress on the mind creates stress on the body.

 

You'll do well to stay on top of your choice too. IOW, having made your decision... you bring your full energy to it. Try to creatively visualize what you'd like to see happening in your life 5 years from now, so you can set some goals. Once you've made a list of those goals... you can redirect your energy to fulfilling them.

 

Hang in there! The old saying... "This too shall pass" applies.

:bunny:

[sumdude]

Yeah... it's normal. They don't call it an "emotional rollercoaster" for nothing!

 

Your best bet, first and foremost, is to take superlative care of your body. Eat right, sleep right, avoid alcohol, get the appropriate exercise, etc. Stress on the mind creates stress on the body.

 

You'll do well to stay on top of your choice too. IOW, having made your decision... you bring your full energy to it. Try to creatively visualize what you'd like to see happening in your life 5 years from now, so you can set some goals. Once you've made a list of those goals... you can redirect your energy to fulfilling them.

 

Hang in there! The old saying... "This too shall pass" applies.

:bunny:

 

 

Everything she said, and fasten your safety belt!

 

Keep away from these things too (from experience)

 

e-mail - One moment you might find yourself wanting to write the soon to be ex.... one click and it's gone. Next day you'll regret it

 

same with IM

 

If you can, take a couple weeks off and get out of town, visit a good freind.

[azianpride143]

Yesterday was the most quietest days I have had in the last 2 months. I was on my way home and kept having butterflies in my stomach. That "eerie" feeling that something was up and I was actually scared to come home. I think my issue is that, I think about the situation too much. I over analyze everything which kinda blows things out of proportion. I always think that when I pull into my driveway this guy's car is going to be there. I'm still in that phase where its hard to calm down. I cranked up the tunes so my mind can focus somewhere else.

 

Sure enough when I came home she had dinner ready (this is very rare) and fixed around the house. We didnt talk very much. Then I helped her keep the laundry and vacuum the house. I went out grocery shopping and there she was downstairs waiting for me to come home. It just felt like dejavu except she was the one coming home. Feels good to have control back in some weird way. I hope today will be the same. I just have to control myself from prying, snooping around, and for even caring. It's like a "drug". I have to wean myself away from being addicted to my wife. There's so much history there so it's a lot harder.

 

I have been chatting with my former high school batchmates and they are all excited to see me this weekend at a get together. I am glad I have re-connected with old friends. I think my biggest problem where I live is that I don't really have good friends to lean on. I'm hoping to enroll back in school this summer. Just take one class at a time. That will help me start building new friendships and start devoting my time to achieving some of my life goals.

 

I have been working out at home twice a day and have been eating correctly. I wanted to take advantage of my weight loss. I hit the gym yesterday for the first time and it felt great. I lost about 20 pounds and about 2 inches in my waist in the whole ordeal. I am bent on keeping those off and having a flat belly. I believe this helps a lot in my self-esteem.

 

Sleep has been great the last week or so. My focus at work is starting to return slowly. I'm fortunate my job understands what I'm going through so they have been giving me a lot of time to get my groove back on.

[azianpride143]

Wow took the day off today. Met with my lawyer earlier since he had an opening on his schedule. So the main issues were custody and our home. Of course the letter stating I kicked her out was also mentioned.

 

Anyways to make a long story short the terms of the custody will be joint/shared legal/physical and child support is agreed upon by both parties who will provide for the needs of the children. And then on the home, my lawyer said she would have to pay the difference between the rent value and what the mortgage payments are for the area we live in. So if it's a difference of $700, she would be responsible for half if she wants to get the net profit after we sell. Therefore I get to write off majority of the support like daycare, etc. for the children since I would be the one paying for this. He asked me to present this to her and if we have an agreement we meet again on Friday to do the final settlement/agreement. All she asked me was that if my lawyer can explain what he put in the agreement so she understands what shes signing then were set.

 

It sounds way to easy but hopefully that's the case. My lawyer adviced me to be prepared for the worst just in case. I am ready for the long haul

 

I sat down with her and addressed all her questions and we got all these concerns addressed. So I left a message for my lawyer and were off. So hopefully that would be the way to go.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion the other wife found out about the affair. Since she's been normal the last 2 days. It is very weird and scary her behaviour since she acts like nothing happened. But then again it's no longer my problem. I am excited to move on with my new life as a single man. I am planning in enrolling in college this summer. I'm slowly becoming happy again and getting that control back in my life.

 

I just have to take my battles one day at a time and deal with it as it changes. I'll keep everyone posted on my progress. I know I still have 6 months to go before everything is finalized. But hopefully it gets done sooner since it will be classified as an uncontested divorce.

[azianpride143]

Now I understand why she's been acting normal. She broke it off with the guy on the 23rd. Wow. Oh well. Now I understand. That's why she's been acting nice with me. It's kinda late since I made up my mind to go through with the divorce. No matter what happens. I have to be strong and steadfast and stay the course.

[Darth Vader]

How do you think OM's wife knows what's up? It looks like your wife is laying low, buttering you up, if you will.

[Sheba]

Azianpride

 

I am as admiring of your approach and your attitude as the rest of the people who have responded to you. You have a wealth of internal resources that are going to help you a lot as you continue to deal with the situation your wife has handed you.

 

My heart goes out to your daughter, who was so cruelly rejected by her mother. I hope she never learns what her mother said about her.

 

You have a new situation now, I gather. If I were in your shoes, I would not trust a 2 day old conviction. However, I am sure you will get a lot of good advice by reading through the posts on the Infidelity forum. Having said that, I think you should have a lot of faith in your own reactions and not second guess them. You are a wise and good man.

 

Good luck.