My story

[Melovator]

Have a great trip AP, have fun! Just be honest with your friend if you feel pressured (? not sure its the right word), but as she's a woman you will probably have to talk directly on the topic to make her understand how you're feeling, women often assume men are deep, mysterious creatures and thus can read too much into nothing. So spell out where you are emotionally in explicit detail if you have to. If she's a good enough friend you shouldn't have to. Go Party!

[azianpride143]

I have been honest with my feelings with this person. I have explained to her that I cannot commit. I am still in the process of healing. All I want to do is go out and have fun for once. I told her that if she gets too serious that she can get hurt. Because I know I'm not ready.

[azianpride143]

I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about this all night. All the years of my marriage. My ex never really allowed me to get past her shell. She erected this wall to keep me out. She has pushed me away as soon as I got close to her.

 

The reason why I kept going and why I stayed in my marriage. Was the hope that one day she will. The painful part was, it was so easy for her to give her heart to someone else. Someone she's known for weeks. All this time I had stood by her waiting for years. This is the one aspect of our marriage she denied me. I know somehow she did love me. But never that love that your willing to give your life for. The love that moved mountains. And I did.

 

I will not be the man I am today if it weren't for this woman. The one I gave my heart on a platter and put up on a pedestal. The same woman who broke my heart and left me to die. It's tough to find a reason to live since my life revolved around this person all these years. I lost myself in all of this. My life lay in front of me in pieces.

 

Sorry about my rant, I needed to get this out of my system. I have learned so much here in LS. I have gotten so far in my journey with the help of others. You take a hard fall. Pick yourself up and keep on going. I can never forget what I've been through. It allows me to keep moving towards that bright future. That new chapter in my life. I am excited.

[sumdude]

I couldn't sleep and kept thinking about this all night. All the years of my marriage. My ex never really allowed me to get past her shell. She erected this wall to keep me out. She has pushed me away as soon as I got close to her.

 

The reason why I kept going and why I stayed in my marriage. Was the hope that one day she will. The painful part was, it was so easy for her to give her heart to someone else. Someone she's known for weeks. All this time I had stood by her waiting for years. This is the one aspect of our marriage she denied me. I know somehow she did love me. But never that love that your willing to give your life for. The love that moved mountains. And I did.

 

I will not be the man I am today if it weren't for this woman. The one I gave my heart on a platter and put up on a pedestal. The same woman who broke my heart and left me to die. It's tough to find a reason to live since my life revolved around this person all these years. I lost myself in all of this. My life lay in front of me in pieces.

 

Sorry about my rant, I needed to get this out of my system. I have learned so much here in LS. I have gotten so far in my journey with the help of others. You take a hard fall. Pick yourself up and keep on going. I can never forget what I've been through. It allows me to keep moving towards that bright future. That new chapter in my life. I am excited.

 

It's a heck of a thing to go through AP. It's not often you get your heart ripped out to be examined under a microscope then put back together again..

 

But we're learning and you've been really smart and strong through it.

 

As far as your STBX .... do you really think she's changed with this new relationship? Is she really giving more? How could you know? ... don't worry too much about it. People can change but only so much...

[Melovator]

Know how you feel in your rant AP, and like Sumdude says its not often we get to closely examine our hearts which hopefully is because we're a bit wiser with them once we've been forced to examine them. So I'm glad you told your friend straight-up where you are at the moment the last thing you want is drama! Excitment and fun yes, but not drama. Have a great time.

[Darth Vader]

Know how you feel in your rant AP, and like Sumdude says its not often we get to closely examine our hearts which hopefully is because we're a bit wiser with them once we've been forced to examine them. So I'm glad you told your friend straight-up where you are at the moment the last thing you want is drama! Excitment and fun yes, but not drama. Have a great time.

 

 

Sounds like your friend may just want sex!

[azianpride143]

She wanted that and more from me than I could ever give. I tried so hard to be as subtle and tactful with how I communicated this. I knew I had to break her heart. She was into me and I was lost for words. I had never felt this wanted by someone in a long time. But I could not return those feelings back. She was this hot chick waiting to make me feel like a man once again. She was pretty, just finished nursing school, and stable. She was a catch. But not for me. I just don't feel like I was ready. There's still so much work to be done with myself. Timing is just not right. The night ended up on a positive note but I still had to be honest with what I felt. I knew she didn't want to hear what I had to say but she knew this from the beginning.

[Melovator]

Ahhhh chicks, even if a guy tells you flat out sometimes you just don't wanna believe him. Don't be subtle, it doesn't work with women they just think you have difficulty expressing emotion and try to fill in the blanks, especially if they like you. That's not your fault though AP, you told her, she's probably just read too many chick magazine articles about male behaviour and its not like you're responsible for popular culture... and you didn't break her heart, you just let the air out of some hopes she had that were nothing to do with you as you are now, but with her idea of you.

You're being honest with yourself and that's important because you could have just thought 'bugger it- hot chick- let's go!' and then put both of you through some hell the next morning...

You should at least do a happy dance of 'Hot stable chicks want me' around your lounge room, that's something to celebrate!

[azianpride143]

Yes it's good to feel attractive. My male animalistic behaviour would just go after every hot skirt that comes along. But after what I've been through on my trip, the guilt and trying to explain myself over and over again. I don't think I have the manballs to do this again. I am just not that man who I was before I met my ex. That playboy is dead and gone.

 

I look even better than I was at that age and in better shape. I got my self confidence back and like the new me. Gunny hit the nail on the head on one of his postings. It made me seriously think of my current situation and with what I want to do with my life.

 

Posted by Gunny - You've got some Golden opportunties laid before your very feet, to do and accomplish some things that you couldn't do ~ or do as effeciently or as effectively if you were in a relationship.

 

By making the consciouis decision not to get into another LTR after my last GF and I broke up, I've put myself in the most stable and secure financial position than I have ever been in all of my life. I've spent the last nine years not getting into a LTR, because I told myself, "I can't afford to keep doing this crap!"

 

I came to LS through a Goggle search. And, I've learned a lot and gotten a lot of resources.

 

For the last nine years I've been working on getting my life where I want and need it to be. I've been nothing but identifying my weaknesses and seeking daily self improvement. And, I've done that for me ~ not for someone else, and certainly not for "some" woman.

 

I'm not where I want to be in life ~ nor where I feel that I need to be. But in 10 months ~ aside from a student loan and a mortgage ~ I'll be debt free. Within six years my house will be paid off. I've got money in the bank for anticipated and un-anticipated expenses. I anticipate that within the next six years, my montly living expesnes/obligations will be less than $500 a month.

 

And, no! I don't have everything that I want, but I've got everything I need. And, what I have? Its not the best, the newest, the most expensive ~ but its paid for and mine. My 03 Mazda Tribute has 19,000 miles on it ~ but its paid for and mine. The next car I buy? I'll pay cash for and it'll be a new one. I'm out of the "financing" depreciating asset business ~ and sure as Hell will never get into the (f)lease game!

 

This got me thinking. I am now given an opportunity to do the things I have always wanted to do and accomplish in my life. I will take his advice and follow the same path. At the same time, this will allow me to truly heal and improve myself. I just dont know what I will do if the right person comes along during my quest to enlightenment.

[Darth Vader]

I hope you know I was only kidding about the sex!

[Gunny376]

Yes it's good to feel attractive. My male animalistic behaviour would just go after every hot skirt that comes along. But after what I've been through on my trip, the guilt and trying to explain myself over and over again. I don't think I have the manballs to do this again. I am just not that man who I was before I met my ex. That playboy is dead and gone.

 

I look even better than I was at that age and in better shape. I got my self confidence back and like the new me. Gunny hit the nail on the head on one of his postings. It made me seriously think of my current situation and with what I want to do with my life.

 

Posted by Gunny - You've got some Golden opportunties laid before your very feet, to do and accomplish some things that you couldn't do ~ or do as effeciently or as effectively if you were in a relationship.

 

By making the consciouis decision not to get into another LTR after my last GF and I broke up, I've put myself in the most stable and secure financial position than I have ever been in all of my life. I've spent the last nine years not getting into a LTR, because I told myself, "I can't afford to keep doing this crap!"

 

I came to LS through a Goggle search. And, I've learned a lot and gotten a lot of resources.

 

For the last nine years I've been working on getting my life where I want and need it to be. I've been nothing but identifying my weaknesses and seeking daily self improvement. And, I've done that for me ~ not for someone else, and certainly not for "some" woman.

 

I'm not where I want to be in life ~ nor where I feel that I need to be. But in 10 months ~ aside from a student loan and a mortgage ~ I'll be debt free. Within six years my house will be paid off. I've got money in the bank for anticipated and un-anticipated expenses. I anticipate that within the next six years, my montly living expesnes/obligations will be less than $500 a month.

 

And, no! I don't have everything that I want, but I've got everything I need. And, what I have? Its not the best, the newest, the most expensive ~ but its paid for and mine. My 03 Mazda Tribute has 19,000 miles on it ~ but its paid for and mine. The next car I buy? I'll pay cash for and it'll be a new one. I'm out of the "financing" depreciating asset business ~ and sure as Hell will never get into the (f)lease game!

 

This got me thinking. I am now given an opportunity to do the things I have always wanted to do and accomplish in my life. I will take his advice and follow the same path. At the same time, this will allow me to truly heal and improve myself. I just dont know what I will do if the right person comes along during my quest to enlightenment.

 

One word ~ FREEDOM!!!!

 

Not there yet! But damned close! And I've worked hard for it and suffered for it!

 

I'm free from need!

 

Free from want!

 

All "but" being able to look "any" ~one in the eye and saying "You know what? You can just kiss my azz! "You can take "this job" and shove it!

 

That's all day strong!

[azianpride143]

Anyways here's a quick update. She took off for VA to visit her sister for a week last yesterday. I'm glad since she's far away from me for a week. Well she left me a credit card bill she doesn't have the funds for. She mentioned for me to pay for it for now and she will reimburse me on her next paycheck. I had my MSF class both yesterday and today and sure enough she called so many times it's not even funny anymore. Apparently she forgot to pay her damn rent for her apartment. She wanted me to take the money from her checking into mine so I can drive down to the apt's office and pay her rent. I refused and told her I can't help her. I don't understand how you forget to plan ahead on what bills you have to pay when you go on vacation. Plus she did not mention this before she left. It just aint my damn problem.

 

No way..

[mammax3]

Wow Ap! Good for you!

 

How did she respond to your refusal? She must have been mad!

[Darth Vader]

Pay no bills for her, even the credit card! Other than that, WAY TO GO!

[azianpride143]

Actually she's pissed off at me. I could tell since she wanted to talk to my son this morning. I told her that she never left my son any clothes. Then she told me it's all in the laundry. All I could hear is stupid excuses. My point is all she has to worry about is herself. She can't even act like a responsible parent. She can't even pay her rent. Geez. Plus she acts like I'm an errand boy. Those days are over.

 

Me and my lawyer finally sat down and finished the marriage agreement. All that is left is for her to sign the paperwork and it's "sayonara" time. I was going to send her copy today via Fedex but since she didn't picked up when I called (pissed off at me still). I'll just wait until she gets back and make her sign it.

[Melovator]

I'm sorry but not making sure that your own child has enough clothes! That's kind of a priority when you have kids, as is paying your rent. She needs to learn to be a grown up. Good on you- make her deal with her own mess.

And make her sign the d*mn agreement when she gets back!

[Snuggle Tiger]

Apparently she forgot to pay her damn rent for her apartment. She wanted me to take the money from her checking into mine so I can drive down to the apt's office and pay her rent. I refused and told her I can't help her. I don't understand how you forget to plan ahead on what bills you have to pay when you go on vacation. Plus she did not mention this before she left. It just aint my damn problem.

 

No way..

 

Your STBX had no idea she was opening up a huge can of whoop-ass and handing it to you to drink.

 

DO-NOT-BACK-DOWN!

 

I have read your tale of woe from the very first post, congratulations on your progress.

 

-Snuggle Tiger

[azianpride143]

We'll she came over to pickup our son and I told her we need to sit down and talk about the divorce paperwork. So we went out to lunch and sat down. I gave her instructions and explained every aspect of the marriage agreement so she understands it. We talked for a while and then she broke down.

 

The "bottom line" was that she misses the home and her family. She said she realized she made a "mistake" and that she wants to come back. She mentioned that she might end up giving me the kids and that if I don't take her back she might be moving back to VA. I know she is hurting financially and have no one to turn to. I told her, all of this was her choice. It was her decision to give her heart to someone else and where we are right now is the result of that. She kept insisting that she only left our home because I asked her to. I told all the choices she made was hers to. She could have stayed if she wanted to. But she wanted to leave as well. I guess she no longer likes her reality. Her finances are going down the tube. Her man may have booked.

 

I told her how I felt. How she broke my heart. I told her how late in the game this is. How I needed to hear this back before we got separated. I said I gave you 14 years of my life. I thought you were the one and that we would grow old together. I gave you my heart and my soul. I loved her so much that I gave her everything that I could ever give. I waited all these years for that love to be returned back. But instead she gave her heart away to a person she's only known for weeks.

 

I told her to go to VA. She said she will give me full custody of the kids. It would be good for her and me. We'll still plan out the yearly vacation trips as a family. I just can't have her this close to me. It was hard enough to get over the death of my marriage. And now this unexpected revelation. I am confused with what to feel. Part of me feels glad she wants me back. She was sincere with her emotions. It's just too bad it took her a long time to realize what she has given up. I loved her and will always do. I still feel that love, but it's not enough to change what happened. I would love to just wake up and wish that this was all a bad dream. But this is real and this is my life. We cannot just pickup where we left off. The damage has been done.

 

I don't know what the future holds. Only time will tell. For now I know I want. A divorce, my kids, my life however dysfunctional is mine and mine alone. That's how the story goes.

[Melovator]

I don't know what the future holds. Only time will tell. For now I know I want. A divorce, my kids, my life however dysfunctional is mine and mine alone. That's how the story goes.

 

That's the bit that counts- what you want. You're bloody amazing AP, don't know if I'd have that strength if I got that conversation. You rock!

[Ladyjane14]

We'll she came over to pickup our son and I told her we need to sit down and talk about the divorce paperwork. So we went out to lunch and sat down. I gave her instructions and explained every aspect of the marriage agreement so she understands it. We talked for a while and then she broke down.

 

The "bottom line" was that she misses the home and her family. She said she realized she made a "mistake" and that she wants to come back. She mentioned that she might end up giving me the kids and that if I don't take her back she might be moving back to VA. I know she is hurting financially and have no one to turn to. I told her, all of this was her choice. It was her decision to give her heart to someone else and where we are right now is the result of that. She kept insisting that she only left our home because I asked her to. I told all the choices she made was hers to. She could have stayed if she wanted to. But she wanted to leave as well. I guess she no longer likes her reality. Her finances are going down the tube. Her man may have booked.

 

I told her how I felt. How she broke my heart. I told her how late in the game this is. How I needed to hear this back before we got separated. I said I gave you 14 years of my life. I thought you were the one and that we would grow old together. I gave you my heart and my soul. I loved her so much that I gave her everything that I could ever give. I waited all these years for that love to be returned back. But instead she gave her heart away to a person she's only known for weeks.

 

I told her to go to VA. She said she will give me full custody of the kids. It would be good for her and me. We'll still plan out the yearly vacation trips as a family. I just can't have her this close to me. It was hard enough to get over the death of my marriage. And now this unexpected revelation. I am confused with what to feel. Part of me feels glad she wants me back. She was sincere with her emotions. It's just too bad it took her a long time to realize what she has given up. I loved her and will always do. I still feel that love, but it's not enough to change what happened. I would love to just wake up and wish that this was all a bad dream. But this is real and this is my life. We cannot just pickup where we left off. The damage has been done.

 

I don't know what the future holds. Only time will tell. For now I know I want. A divorce, my kids, my life however dysfunctional is mine and mine alone. That's how the story goes.

 

It always seems like the WS doesn't realize what they had until it's well and truly gone. That's sad.

 

I think your story really illustrates how very important it is for a betrayed spouse to come out strong with a whopping dose of REALITY before s/he has 'run out of gas' though. Once the BS is exhausted... it's GAME OVER.

 

It's weird how it happens. One day, you're focused on repairing the marriage and it's the driving force of your life, the next day... you're just DONE. I don't even think the BS knows when it'll happen. It just does.

 

Your story, I think, is a cautionary tale for cheaters who mistakenly believe that the decision to stay or go is completely in their hands. So many come to places like LS trying to make up their minds between spouse and affair partner. And it never seems to occur to them that the clock's ticking.

[azianpride143]

Mel I may know what I want. But I'm scared of what the future may bring. Part of me, thinks about giving her a chance. Her cries and her pain moved me. Her wanting me back almost melted my heart. Because I do still love her.

 

But the broken pieces can't be put back together anymore. It will never be the same again. I would love to hold her in my arms one more time. For her to take my breath away one last time. The passion that once was has sizzled down. Our paths no longer run the same course.

 

I am me and I am free. For now this heart needs to take a rest. Time to mend. So someday to beat again.

[azianpride143]

It always seems like the WS doesn't realize what they had until it's well and truly gone. That's sad.

 

I think your story really illustrates how very important it is for a betrayed spouse to come out strong with a whopping dose of REALITY before s/he has 'run out of gas' though. Once the BS is exhausted... it's GAME OVER.

 

It's weird how it happens. One day, you're focused on repairing the marriage and it's the driving force of your life, the next day... you're just DONE. I don't even think the BS knows when it'll happen. It just does.

 

Your story, I think, is a cautionary tale for cheaters who mistakenly believe that the decision to stay or go is completely in their hands. So many come to places like LS trying to make up their minds between spouse and affair partner. And it never seems to occur to them that the clock's ticking.

 

LJ you are so right....My ex expected me to still had my arms wide open ready to take her back while she tested the waters somewhere else. She was wrong. I told her in my conversation with her today, that I'm glad she told me she wanted me back. It felt good to hear these words. I have been waiting to hear that. But it's too late. She had her chance. She didn't take it and now there's no turning back.

[Melovator]

Mel I may know what I want. But I'm scared of what the future may bring. Part of me, thinks about giving her a chance. Her cries and her pain moved me. Her wanting me back almost melted my heart. Because I do still love her.

 

But the broken pieces can't be put back together anymore. It will never be the same again. I would love to hold her in my arms one more time. For her to take my breath away one last time. The passion that once was has sizzled down. Our paths no longer run the same course.

 

I am me and I am free. For now this heart needs to take a rest. Time to mend. So someday to beat again.

 

I could jokingly say the future will bring death and taxes and is therefore nothing to be afraid of but what you wrote was beautiful and deserves more than a joke... No one can really know what the future holds, but the decision to meet it alone and carrying no false comfort with you is a brave one. To know when it is time to rest and sit with oneself for a while before stepping out upon the path is commendable, what's that saying? Life is a marathon not a sprint, its okay to pace yourself.

[Woggle]

If you do take her back and that is a huge if you need to make her sweat it out a little bit. Make her earn you back so she knows what she almost lost. If you ask me though you should stick to what you are doing now. This thread is an inspiration to betrayed men everywhere.

[azianpride143]

If you do take her back and that is a huge if you need to make her sweat it out a little bit. Make her earn you back so she knows what she almost lost. If you ask me though you should stick to what you are doing now. This thread is an inspiration to betrayed men everywhere.

 

I told her I knew everything was going to end up like this. She is irresponsible and always thought that despite it all, she can go back to me and I will be there to protect her and make it right. Just like in the past. Marriage is not a game. You can't just call a timeout and then continue on as if nothing happened.

 

That ship is long gone and I wanted her to realize I am no longer there for her. I'm glad she finally realizes that now. But so much time has gone by. I don't think I would want her back. Knowing what I know now about her and what she has put me through. The divorce will happen and we will go our separate ways. I don't know if our paths will cross in the future. But if it does it does. For now I know what I want and this is how its going to be.