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polywog

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So here we go again.. I WANT TO CALL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKIN BAD! WHY HAVEN'T U CALLED... I think about you sooooo much sooo much.

Obviously you dont are about me, you dont love me, you dont care what im doing or how im doing.

 

I think about that allllllllllll the time...ahhhhhhhhhhh i still can believe you haven't called yet! i remember when you would call me as soon as you woke up you said " Its starts my day off good." well what about now??

 

what do you do NOW???? I am really curious what you do.. who you talk to????? what your really doing when you say your not doing anything although i can hear you typing a thousand words a min..ohhhh i freakin hate this.. I am really hoping this hurt goes away soon!! Wanting to call you all the time!!!!!!!!!!! i soofreakin hate this

 

This too shall pass.

 

Hang in there. I know how you feel. Every time my phone rings, a part of me hopes its him. Try to keep yourself busy. Read. Reading helps :)

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So last night you called me...I wasn't expecting it but it was nice to hear from you. I think I have accepted the fact that it's over this time..the pain is less then before but its still there somewhat..i still do love you and miss you..but i have to be strong and just keep going with my life. I was being myself with you on the phone, yet not showing any emotions because quite honestly i am emotionally drained, im not even sure i have much to share...i dont cry as much, maybe once in awhile...dont get me wrong...if i could make one wish, it would be for us to get back together and for things to go back to how they used to be...but i know thats not possible...just wanted to tell you that although you hurt me, i wish you nothing but happiness and hopefully someday we can both be happy with our lives and hopefully even become friends...i do want you in my life but i want you to want that...if you dont then i dont want to force you...and i would have called to check up on you, believe me i have wanted to...but i dont want to bother you or make you feel as though im annoying you...i will respect your decision...it hurts that you dont love me anymore, believe me IT HURTS...mainly because of how much you said you loved me..and your actions proved it in the past...i felt things had changed too for a little while and we were arguing the last month..but i loved you, i wanted to make it work with you...however i must say i have matured so much from this pain i have felt...i look back at who i was before this and im so different now...i am learning how to endure pain although honestly i dont think i can handle any worse pain than this so hopefully i can only go up from here...i wish i could have told you i missed you last night...but i didnt, i couldnt...i'm sure you already know though...it was a nice conversation...it was good to hear your voice. I'm not sure what the future holds but hopefully it's great things and happiness for the both of us! Bye baby...that word feels so weird to me now. I'll be okay :)

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i dont understand why I didn't see this coming.

 

i'm still in pain 8 months later. how sad is that...

 

i'm such an idiot... why am i trying to figure out how you can lose love for someone after so long? and not care? everyone loses love in relationships over time, its the work and rekindling of the flame that is the only thing that keeps it alive.

 

you will tire of this new girl the same way you tired of me.

 

 

god. i don't know what to do. this happens every month :( i'm at my lowest.

 

i dont want to care about you anymore. get out of my head, you don't deserve to be there

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Hey D,

 

yep its me... I wanted to let you know that tonight I received my 15 year anniversary plaque at work... They gave me a nice engraved watch to....I have to admit it wasn't the same... I felt such a loss and emptyness that you were not there with me.. you have been with me the whole time I have been at the company and finally some recogition for all the years and I couldn't share it with the person that means the most to me... its ok though.. I know in my heart that you have moved on and dont care about me or what we had.. close to 16 years is long time to have someone in your life and then to not have them.. it has been hard I think of you often but the times are getting fewer and fewer.. hopefully soon you will not even come into my thoughts... That is the day that I am looking forward to..

 

I never imagined after everything that I would look forward to the day that I dont think of you... You have been everything to my life for the past 15 years.... waking up each morning and kissing you goodbye as you lay there sleeping.. never knowing that I did that each day.... The feel of your warm breath on me as we lay in bed.... the sounds of your breathing during the night when i had trouble sleeping..... just knowing that you were lying there next to me felt so good..... Now I lay alone... tossing and turning because sleep doesn't come easy these days.. and when i do sleep your always there... the dreams of us and the girls haunt me nearly every night but they have gotten less frequent.... maybe that is a sign that I am healing and moving on.... I hope so this has been hard seeing our dreams and future die with our marriage..... seeing the house that we worked so hard to build have to be sold so we can go out separate ways breaks my heart but i know it will heal.......

 

I look forward to the day you no longer are a thought........but a memory..

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I wish you would call me. I miss you, though I'm not sure why; please come back to me...

 

Eh. I can't focus, and that is something up with which I will not put.

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ARGH! I was doing so well, a week ago I felt totally indifferent towards you and I thought I got past the worst of it but today the pain is back and I'm missing you like crazy.

 

I dreamt about you last night and you've been on my mind all day. I've been getting all nostalgic thinking about the good times we shared and with Christmas just around the corner I'm reminded of the dreams I had for us this Christmas.

 

I feel rotten, I just want you to call right now and tell me you want me back but I know that isn't going to happen and I'm sure in a few days it won't be what I want.

 

Can't believe I still have such strong feelings for you.

 

I'm doing ok with the NC but how am I supposed to stop you appearing in my dreams?

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LikeCharlotte

I am still not prepared to see you and I know I will have to soon. I will not say one solitary word to you. I am not indifferent to your presence and that does not mean I'm not over it because believe me; I am. Simply, I do not forgive you and I don't like you. I don't ever want to see you again. I do not want you to know anything about my life. As far as I am concerned I never knew you at all. You've been erased from my life and my mind but I still wish I could make you disappear from my life entirely. Maybe I'll get lucky and you won't show up.

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I wonder what you've been up to. I haven't seen you in almost a week. That's a long time for us. God, and you're only 3 floors beneath me right now. I've been fortunate to not run into you OR her, or you AND her, here at work since the last time, before you moved out. I wonder if you still think about me. But how can you when you've got that wench. I wonder if you ever have the urge to call me, but won't because you know I've been ignoring/avoiding you. I have your christmas gift, but don't know how I should give it to you. I don't want to see you face-to-face, yet...I do. I was fine yesterday, but today, you've been on my mind. I wonder how genuinely happy you are with your decision. Is it enough for you that you just see her at work and a couple hours after work? or have to sneak around so your coworkers and her husband don't find out? You're "in love" with her that much that you're willing to do that? I say it's more infatuation, than anything. I doubt she's going to leave her husband/family for you. I know she's just using you; you just can't see it. Or am I telling myself these things to make myself feel better? I don't know. It won't end pretty, I can tell you that much.

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i was cleaning and i found an album of us...like an idiot i opened it and looked at then cried a little but picked myself back up...most people from what i see have been done wrong by their ex...but you were so good to me...how do i deal when i know i lost a great man & a good relationship? when i think of how much i hurt you, it hurts me...and when i think of how much u hurt me after the break-up...ugh!!! Now i have to move on...i keep telling myself this was your decision...we are both good people but u just happened to change your feelings for me, its a tough pill to swallow but what can i do? I have to let you go..because apparently love is not enough sometimes :(

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oh and by the way...it doesnt make it okay..there is no excuse for all the pain you caused me...i wish i could undo it...you have no idea how this affected me...i never expected YOU to hurt me. Out of all people why would you hurt ME when I loved you? I wish so much that I ocul have this converstion with you, but I dont. Whenever we talk i just keep it myself...and i just try to keep myself busy. Right now you would be next to me, kissing me and we'd be eating dinner together...I guess what makes this so frekaing hard on me was that I was going through alot before I met you, then you "saved" me and for two years i lived in "happy lala land"...Now that you're gone, I have to start all over again. It was like a fairytale that I wasn't ready to let go of. You cut my dreams in half because they included you. Sometimes it scares me because I wonder if I'll ever love anybody as much as I loved you? Especially after all the pain you caused me, why would I want to be in love that deep? So I'll just keep my guard up. For now just focusing on me!

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oh and by the way...it doesnt make it okay..there is no excuse for all the pain you caused me...i wish i could undo it...you have no idea how this affected me...i never expected YOU to hurt me. Out of all people why would you hurt ME when I loved you? I wish so much that I ocul have this converstion with you, but I dont. Whenever we talk i just keep it myself...and i just try to keep myself busy. Right now you would be next to me, kissing me and we'd be eating dinner together...I guess what makes this so frekaing hard on me was that I was going through alot before I met you, then you "saved" me and for two years i lived in "happy lala land"...Now that you're gone, I have to start all over again. It was like a fairytale that I wasn't ready to let go of. You cut my dreams in half because they included you. Sometimes it scares me because I wonder if I'll ever love anybody as much as I loved you? Especially after all the pain you caused me, why would I want to be in love that deep? So I'll just keep my guard up. For now just focusing on me!

 

 

Hey. I always see you on here. There is something about you that reminds me of myself. I think you are going through a lot of things right now.. I feel for you and I know you will be okay and find someone else when you are ready. Just work on yourself and heal completely before you try and move on.

 

I wish you all the best. Keep your head up!

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I'm proud of myself for believing in what I believe in. No matter how I look to you now or forever.. I had to see you. I needed to make sure you were OK with my own eyes.

 

I went back for you because I said I would. I went back for you when I knew in my heart I changed. You made me appreciate Women so much more. There is no way I will do what I did to you with the next girl. NO WAY!

 

It hurt that you were with that guy, but it felt so much better when you said you were happy with him. It's not so bad.. Although It's not me who gets to love you, at the very least I know you are being appreciated and you are happy. I'll never be able to fully explain the pain I felt as I walked away that day. I wanted to kiss you on the forehead so badly. Just one last time. But I have too much class and respect for you to do that while your boyfriend was inside the house. nobody will ever appreciate that

 

Been working absolutely ridicilous hours lately. I'm literally drowning and throwing myself into work these days. I want to be the man we always planned on. I want you to be proud of me. Wether we talk or not, wether you can see me or not, It's just something I Have to do. I know you are off now, probablly gonna go drive home and see your man. I hope you are driving home with a smile on your face and you can't wait to see him.. I hope you ride him all night long with a big smile on your face. I hope he can satisfy you the way I only dreamt of..

 

Bye for now baby back to work.

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Hey. I always see you on here. There is something about you that reminds me of myself. I think you are going through a lot of things right now.. I feel for you and I know you will be okay and find someone else when you are ready. Just work on yourself and heal completely before you try and move on.

 

I wish you all the best. Keep your head up!

 

 

Hey thank you. I really appreciate it. Working towards that healing ;) I wish you the best as well and hope everything turns out food for you too!

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Hello D.

 

Well tomorrow will be 7 weeks since you asked me to move out.... it has been the hardest 2 months of my life...even though you not here you have been with me every minute of everyday and everyhour... I cant seem to get you off my mind.... When I saw you last night I wasnt expecting it... You were supposed to be working so I didnt have time to get my guard up.... You took me by surprise... I have to say you looked terrible.... I dont remember ever seeing you look so old... it felt good in a sense seeing you like that but knowing you were thinking the same thing abiut me...

 

Yes I probably do look older but thats not my fault.... its your you have put me through so much pain and misery this past few months with your hatred and bitterness thinking that you will find another man to put up with your crap like I did for 16 years... I wish you luck... you may find someone bu they wont stay long after seeing how you really are.. Maybe you were just that way towards me... i dont know for sure but it doesn't matter now..... Your not my problem anymore.......

 

I guess i can honestly say that I still love you D. I will never tell you that to your face or in writing again but i always will.... I know what you did you felt like you had to but I also hope in the same breath that you get what you deserve.... You will someday I might be around to see it but Karma is a Beatch !!!!

 

Just like YOU !!!!

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Merry Christmas whore!

 

Who will you be celebrating with? Is it "Chicago" guy? How about the guy from the bachelorette party you lied to me about. Or is it the guy from the "skating party" you went to the night after I got back from KC. Really, just how many skating parties do your second graders get anyway? Maybe you should write down the lies you tell next time that way you don't fumble and use the same one twice.

 

Anyway, I think Santa will be doing the world a favor if he dropped his sleigh on your head. What a Christmas treat that would be!

 

I still can't believe I fell for a mid-west biker slut piece of trash like you. Hopefully the only snow we get this year won't go up your friggin nose... junky piece of crap loser!

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okay...so it is taking everything i have to NOT contact you right now....went out to a club tonight, it was fun took my mid off things...drank a little but u know i only used to get drunk with you cause i dont wanna make a fool of myself in front of others......seriously i have one question right now...WTH are you doing?? Breaking us up is one thing but having us talk once in awhile? Who came up with these break up rules anyway? I want to call you so bad and just tell you how much i HATE this, and i want us to at least be friends, not just some weird half ass "aquantances"...you know what else sucks that i dont like anobody else right now......im bored, i need some excitement...just not drama though...woah so close to having one of those tonight...i ran into your FAVORITE person....i know i could get with him BUT i dont want to....i dont know if it was the alcohol or what, but i wanted to call you so bad tonight!

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At first, I was in shock! Totally shock because i couldn't believe what i was hearing. After everything you promised me. How you will take care of me and love me forever. I guess you didn't really care huh?? Even after everything you've done. . you are still letting your pride control you. Anyways I'm coming to UK in march and I will contact you in order to return your camera and if you wanna meet then fine if not then i will mail it to you. I never thought I would be that girl who cries over a guy but i found myself there. I have a family who loves me and cares a lot about. Also my friends have been amazing as well.

 

Thank God this whole thing hasn't affected my studies at all. I believe someone better than you will come along. IF you are the one for me then it will work out somehow( I don't even see that happening) How can I trust you ever again? How can I believe anything that comes out of your mouth?? Sometimes when i think about it.. . it disgusts me!

 

I have never wished you bad since this whole thing happened. I pray that you find that which your heart seeks and I as well. I miss you a lot and a part of me still cares about you.

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god. how many more people are out there like you? i'm so afraid that my next relationship will be just as hopeless as the last... i dont want to give up on love. every time i see artist couples its like i've been stabbed in the heart. its stupid how many people have the 'things dont work so dont work on it' mentality in their lives. selfish. and they never realize it either.... am i just destined to be in another futile relationship because for some strange reason i seem to end up with a narcassist for a boyfriend?!?

 

i still think about you, and i wonder if you'll ever regret the things you did and said. the things you threw away. the wasted time we spent together. it did not work out because YOU DID NOT WANT IT TO WORK ... you give up too easily and i understand that your life will be filled with things that you will leave behind because it will get 'too difficult' for you. well i guess that's just your loss. truth is, there is no such thing as finding 'the right person'. but there is such thing as 'hard work' and 'love' those two things make any relationship. so keep jumping from woman to woman looking for the girl of your dreams. because you'll never find her...

 

i need to change my screename. i'm so paranoid he's going to read this... X_X but its not like he cares anyway, hes got his nice new girlfriend and his happy new life without me. so i guess i shouldent worry. i just dont want him to have the satisfaction to know that i still love him.

 

what a ****ing waste of 7 years!!!

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I don't exactly have the guts to call him so I'd text him ... It'd most likely go like this:

 

 

Hi, How are you ?

 

What do you want? stop talking to me .

 

I miss you ?

 

I don't care, I don't miss you.. I'm over you

 

Your such a F**king liar ! you can't get over someone that fast!

 

Stop talking to me, it's done with ...

 

Whatever Don't try coming back to me in the f**king future if your over me.

 

Okay Bye.

 

F**CKING ******* ....

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I don't exactly have the guts to call him so I'd text him ... It'd most likely go like this:

 

 

Hi, How are you ?

 

What do you want? stop talking to me .

 

I miss you ?

 

I don't care, I don't miss you.. I'm over you

 

Your such a F**king liar ! you can't get over someone that fast!

 

Stop talking to me, it's done with ...

 

Whatever Don't try coming back to me in the f**king future if your over me.

 

Okay Bye.

 

F**CKING ******* ....

 

 

sounds like my ex.... lol (which is why i stopped contacting him 3 months ago)

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Hello you

 

it's been so long now, I will check the calendar (wait). Like 7 weeks now.

 

I am at the state where thinking of you makes me feel 'What was I doing with him?', of course sometimes I wonder about you, but as I know you, I know you are busy with someone else.

 

I saw your brother the other day, and I realized that you will look like him in a few years, which is pretty a turn off! Phisically I mean.

 

There's this guy, who seems to be interested on me, but I am being carefull 'cause I don't know how I feel about anything. I am spending lot of time with my friends, and we are planning some nice activities to do over these days. Feels good.

 

I wanted to tell you I am sorry, I was wrong with you. I thought you were what I wanted you to be, and not what you really are. I don't like who you are, who you really are I mean, that is why I can keep NC without any problem.

Sometimes I miss talking to the one I thought you were, but I know that guy exists just in my mind, and it's fading. I don't have many memories now, I am losing them.

 

Have a nice Christmas, or whatever. You won't be thinking of me, I know, and it seems a bit unfair, but it's ok.

 

good luck boy

 

ai

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Dear J,

 

I miss you almost everyday of my life - I know you don't believe me.

Always thinking about you and it drives me crazy that almost everything in my life reminds me of you. Do you miss me? Don't you think about me? I was in your life for three years. I miss you so much I regret every break up I've caused, I wish things could be how they used to be... You were my bestfriend and boyfriend for three years, and it's hard living my life day by day knowing your no longer a call away and that were actually done.

 

For good? No idea, I hope oneday you can contact me and ask me How I'm doing. I'm hoping you will never forget me - because I will never forget you, Remember our song? Difference - genuwine ... I remember the name but I don't have the guts to listen to the actual song. I listen to my ipod everynight because it seems to be the only thing that helps me sleep, and I listen to songs that remind me of you.. and I dream, Of us .. of our past, I dream of waking up from a nap next to you and kissing your cheeks until you open your beautiful green eyes with a smile and then you kiss me back.

 

I miss your family and eating your italian dinners day after day. I miss being held by you, and having you tell me that you love me ever so much and that I complete you... going for walks late at night upnorth at my dads, both afraid to walk into something hungry and wild. The morning after the night I told you never to talk to me, You came from behind me on the mattress I was sleeping on and wrapped your arms around me and told me you never wanted to loose me... you laid there and kissed my hair and held me.

 

I remember our one year: You cooked and made your upstairs dining table so beautiful with candles, I was very impressed. I miss you beyond words can explain and I know I took advantage of everything.. of you, So I know I deserve this ... and it hurts me so much, I never ment to hurt you when I found someone so soon, You know nobody will ever be able to replace my ' bubbaganoush ' ever ... you mean the world to me and as much as I want to be over you, I know I'll never be. I'll always have you in my heart, You were my highschool sweet heart and if I never see you again, and if there really is no future for us.

 

you will be the story I tell my kids and my grand kids. You truly made me happy even if we fought over the stupidest things, I want you to know I'll never forget the first day we kissed. The first time we made love - I lost my virginity to you ... that was so special to me, You truly are something amazing even if you did me wrong. I forgave you because everyone makes mistakes and because I know you were truly sorry. I can't shake this feeling that you will come back to me when I'm partly healed. Come to me now if anything ... I miss your touch, Your voice, Your Family and your love.

 

I love you J , You know that.

 

Love, S

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Saturday 10am is the worst time. I always always miss you right now. That was our minute.. waking up together in that little bed. you worked all week and it was all worth it just for that 5 minutes we get up together on Saturday morning

 

 

now that i know what im looking for, its so easy for me to go back and feel when you were unappreciated. its not that i didn’t love you i just didnt know how to read you, to understand you. we were speaking a different language

obviously now it will be different but i mean.. its too late.

 

i listened to that song by Ani Difranco "you had time"

it resonates so deeply within me it's not even funny

 

no matter how much guilt you feel i will always feel more

i know deep down i had you. there was a 6 month span there where i was being tested and i ****in failed so miserably. so selfish. selfish lover. emotionally raping you of everything you had to give me. I'm disgusted with myself for that.

 

I have a million excuses for it. but there is no excuse for it. you were a gorgeous attractive beautiful woman who loved every bit of me.

 

only an idiot couldn't appreciate you

only a blind man couldn't appreciate your beauty

you're gorgeous

only a deaf man couldn't appreciate your sweet voice

 

**** men are dumb

i used to think that because you know guys get higher test scores and i dunno.. guys just think they are too smart.

but now i know its the opposite. the majority of guys are emotionally retarded and selfish. that’s what I know from experience. It really isn't a secret what women want. Guys are just dumb. But once a guy figures it out, that's how he keeps his woman. I was too late with you.

 

yeah.. too many selfish nights baby. I don't blame you one bit. I never ****ing did. I mean wow you work all week all year all your life and you have tension and stress and your tired and i didn’t appreciate that. its so so sad. because i loved you to death but that’s not the same. if i cant communicate that with you then what is the point. im too stupid to keep up with you, to communicate. i should know how you feel without any words being spoken. this is something i had to figure out on my own. you knew that

 

It's simply not fair how someone can regret something so much and not have the power to change it. I would work so hard until my fingers crumble and my body collapses if I knew what to do. This can't be right.

I'm waiting for the universe to realign itself so it fixes the mistake it made. Cuz.. this is some bull****.

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