Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[evaG]

Lol A. You thought you were so much better and smarter than the other kids. Nooooo... you barely got into your backup school of choice. I'm going to work hard and get into an Ivy League grad school just to piss you off.

[Giha]

Hey, L.

It has been a while since our last talk, 2 days from now will make it a month. I'm pround of myself for that.

I don't know why I'm writing this but I feel like I need to. I don't even know what I'm going to write.

You broke my heart with a sledgehammer 2.5 months ago. Seems like forever to me but it took you a month to find another man and drug me through the mud. Did it have to be my friend? couldn't you find someone else to ****? not that i'd be happy if you ****ed someone else, but it sure would be less painful if it wasn't my friend.

I hope he is a good lay, though i find it hard to believe that he would walk the extra mile like i did. you know what im talking about.

I mean, wtf is it with you? WHO DOES THAT? you said im important to you. you said im the closest person to you. but you also said you loved me so i guess that counts for ****.

You were, nay, ARE my first love. I have never felt this way before and cared so much about anyone in my entire life, and you take me for granted. Just another rebound.

You know me, I'm not god's man. not even close. I ****ing prayed. I broke down, I wept and I mourned. does it matter to you at all?

 

But you'll never see the pain inside of me, stabbing me over and over and over. I trusted you, and I loved you. and you spit back in my face.

I'm having dreams about you that some would surely die just watching.

When I started NC you told me you knew how hard it is. newflash: you dont. you always had a man to be with, you always had someone to take care of you when things were bad. I got no one, so keep your sympathy to yourself.

 

This is getting long. you probably know some of the things I wrote here, but you know, don't try to say what someone already said better.

After writing all that I feel angry and frustrated. I still love you with all my heart although shattered to bits. You are so damn beautiful. I came so close to what I needed most, but it slipped away. Im sorry I couldn't be the man you wanted. I tried, but I was never enough for you.

 

"Crush my mouth, for it still sings praises to you.

Run the blood out from my throat, for I'm still yours"

 

I guess you know where this is from.

 

I miss you, but I cant have you back (not that you give a damn anymore)

Have a good lay tonight.

[stablesong]

(These are actually song lyrics, but still...)

 

There's one thing I want to say,

so I'll be brave.

You were what I wanted;

I gave what I gave.

I'm not sorry I met you.

I'm not sorry it's over.

I'm not sorry - there's nothing to say.

[Sbrizio]

After 3 weeks of NC i sent you a letter.

 

And it was a love letter.

 

And you're not replying.

 

F. i feel weak and i want to stop this,

i feel refused and i want to stop this,

i feel guilty and i want to stop this,

i feel unadeguate and i want to stop this.

 

HOW COULD YOU tell me straightly, at the beginning, that in your life you always fallen in love for *******s? Your confirming that you've not changed, as you found me all-that-you-know and still don't love me.

 

HOW CAN I be so blind and stupid not to see that YOU have a problem.

 

I should simply try to remember who your last lover was, or the one before, to understand that YOU have issues here.

 

Hell girl, how old are you? I'd like to shake you to wake you up, but no one can do such a thing.

 

Stay in your world made of *******s and dumb friends, i gave you the best of me. And you spit on it. On the other side you stayed years with an ******* (for your own admission).

 

I have no forces to fight against this. Only you can.

 

But i feel so deceived and empty and hangry.

I will cry my rage here for days.

I will shout and write until my lungs are empty and my fingers aching.

I will get over you. I will get over you. I will get over you!

[imhurt]

Hi, how are you? Do you miss me:)

[Petals99]

My first post. There's so much backstory to this, but that's for another day. I've been keeping a private blog, but it feels better to just let it into the world.

 

 

It was as though you gathered me into you, and all my defenses simply crumbled away, and I let them crumble so easily. With your arms around me and cheek against yours it wasn't even a conscious decision to brush my lips against your cheek. And when you did the same to me I was lost again. In your arms I felt like I was home. I have to wonder - do you know how I feel? Are you aware of what I feel when you hold me, when you kiss me, when I kiss you? Do you do those things too as an expression of love that you can't say aloud, or do you do them in spite of knowing how I feel, because you simply need those physical comforts in your difficult time? I really want to believe it's the former. It may sound so corny, but when you kissed my hair and held my hands, my heart sung. I've never kissed with such urgency as with you, and every time, every time, it's still the same. Months on, it's still the same.

 

I can't help myself with you. Being in your arms feels like home.

But where is this going to go? I don't know how long I can handle this sweet misery, the uncertainty, this suspended bubble of happiness that is surely, surely, to burst.

 

It's been 5 months, and I haven't let go. The problem is - you haven't either. But I just don't know how long I can take this anymore.

[ekt21]

So it's been one long month since you left me with no intentions of getting back with me. You knew you were going to dump me so why didnt you do it earlier? you let it go for 10 months, you dragged my emotions in, you made me fall for you. yet was it all a set up and i was to blind and dumb by loving you to actually see that you never really cared. I'm still unclear on the reason you broke up with me? Was it because you were feeling attached and didnt want to feel that way? or was it because I acted different when I wasn't around you? or was it because you where moving to another state and didnt want to do a long distance relationship? and because we are at 2 different places in our life? but yet you always found a way to flip things back on me like it was my fault. You always had a good way of trying to make me feel like everything was my fault, when really it was yours. And please save it for the next girl you date SAVE HER THE PAIN AND HURT by NOT saying I dont want to hurt you. I did so much for you, I gave you everything, I helped you in every way I could. What did you do for me? NOTHING. I cared way to much for you and I was to dumb and didnt open my eyes wide enough to see that you didnt care for me one f-ing bit. It was a joke. I guess as they all said our age did make a difference. I was 18 and you were 25. What was I thinking? I wasnt!

 

my rant for the day!

[bluewolf17]

TB,

 

Today is better than yesterday. I feel happier. I put on a new dress. That always makes me feel better I have horseback riding lessons today, and wine night with the ladies. Sigh. Why do I feel like I have such a good life, but my life would only be enhanced by having you back in it? I'm good, but I would be great if I could call you at the end of the night and tell you.

 

I won't. I asked for NC and I am getting it. You know why, I know why. It's just easy to forget all that. To forget you didn't want to try again. That your happier without me. I forget those things. I just seem to remember the TB that was crazy about me.

 

I want him back. I don't know why I check my phone, your number is blocked. I don't why I check my Facebook, as your page is blocked too. I guess I am just use to seing your comments and text messages. 3.5 years is a long time with somone. I'm just working out the quirks now. I feel like in the last 6 months I have worked pass the big things. I have accepted your decision. I accept we won't have a future. I can see me with someone else. I don't cry anymore. It's those damn little reminders. Biting my tounge at the store when I saw that old fashion movie popcorn maker. You loved popcorn so much! If we were together, I would have bought it for you and you would have loved it! And just how talking about you still gets to me. I had sushi with a friend the other day, and we were talking about how frustrating it is when people refuse to try new foods. I told her how I couldn't take you anywhere because of your "stomache issues". It was a complaint, but thats the point. Even the annoying things, are right up on the top of my mind.

 

I just want you memories to go away. Maybe if I jam a fork into my temple? I could wake up in a hospital with no recolection of who you were. Ooh, that would be nice. Even after 6 months, I think it would be "wrong" to date someone else. What if you found out? Isn't that stupid? Of course I can date someone else. Your the one that gave up on me.

 

It's so frustrating. I just want to be better already.

[joseffrost]

Always looking to the future, we

pick up bad habits of expectancy.

Something is always approached, one day.

Till then, we say.

-Phillip Larkin.

[Road To Joy]

7/16/09 6:24pm

 

Ay, what am I getting myself into?

 

You haven’t changed much. I mean… at least you don’t hate me anymore? Lol. Err… something. Um, you still get frustrated and freak out. And then you think all these weird thoughts. And I don’t think you’re willing to work things out with me because that’s what you felt frustrated with last time, so when I bring up that you have to help me trust you, you get scared. Everything scares you. Everything intimidates you.

I don’t think it’s good to get into something with a commitment-phobe. Normally, it would be hard to get into it itself but it’s easy for me because we have history. Bad history, really. Part of me thinks it’s literally impossible for us to go back, and that hurts. But I think it’s the truth.

I hate to make you cry. I don’t even think I’m the one who makes you cry…. But still. Every time you cry I know what’s coming: a waterfall of negativity… or realism?

Truth hurts and that’s what’s been hurting us both. If you were to say you don’t think it’s going to work out, it would hurt me. And if I were to say I don’t think it’s going to work out, I think it would hurt you. But it would hurt me, too. ‘Cause I want it to. This is risky, this game of love. For so many reasons. But compare it to life… it’s nothing compared to life. Just a short chapter. This is the most intense feeling one could feel. And man, it changes your whole world.

Sleeping with you… I don’t think this could happen. Life went on as if you were never coming back, and I planned according to that. Now readjustments have to be made… and I don’t want to make those if you’re just going to leave.

There’s a good and bad side to everything. Even what seems just flat out horrible. When one door closes, many more open. And it’s scary… the thought of going through those doors knowing you’re not going through them with me. I guess this is what it’s like, to be in love.

‘Cause it’s true, I am in love. I’m in love with you. And I can’t help it. But I can change it… <<< contradiction?

What’s good, what’s bad? What are the variables here? What am I afraid of? What am I truly hoping for? What do I know? Pros, cons, pros, cons. This is weird...

I’ve been happy lately, yknow. I really have been. Besides from some insecurities I have to deal with, but other than that… I’ve been really good. The future opened up to me like the end of a tunnel. A very long, dark tunnel; with obstacles inside of it, but it opened up nevertheless and I could see the end. I could see the mountains, the mist, the trees, the animals, the beauty. I saw it, and it looked… compelling. And I kept walking, something I’ve been doing. I kept going on my journey. I fell, I picked myself up, and I kept going. Then I saw the end, and I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop myself, you did. You jumped in front of me out of nowhere. I didn’t expect this. It was shocking at first, I had no feelings. I didn’t know what to feel. Should I be happy? Should I be excited? Should I be scared, upset? Should I not care at all? This is weird, man.

You told me you longed for me, missed me, wanted me, loved me… is this true? Is any of this true?

We’re both scared. Maybe you more than I, but we’re both scared. Scared of what’s going to happen. What is going to happen? What are you hoping will happen? At the very least you want us to end on a good note. Is this why you contacted me in the first place? Is this your primary intention? That we’ll end in a good note? Is this all you wanted this time… to just talk to me and let me go without your previous immaturity? For your own sake? So you don’t feel as guilty, as bad for what you did? Baby, what’s done is done. Accept this. You can love me now, you can be the best girlfriend I will ever have now, but that won’t change what you did. There’s nothing you can do that can make up for damage that’s already been done. And if this ends, on a good note or not, I will still go back to before. Because doing this solely so you look good makes you just as bad as before.

Tell me, will you love me more than anyone? Will you look forward to our conversations? Will you get tired of me fast? Big no no. Will you answer my calls, and try to pick me up when I’m down? Will you be there whenever I need you? Will you love me unconditionally? Will you be everything you weren’t before?

 

Are you lying to me about what you’ve been up to lately? Tsk tsk… don’t make me hate you all over again. We don't want a repeat of what began breaking us in the first place...

[xxSRMxx]

I miss u loads, wanna tell u about all the fun im having. Its ****.

[aboynamedmike]

Hey K,

 

 

I've begun to realize that loving your family should be a priority. Why should you love someone else more than you love your family? The logic isn't there. I know we both have similar family issues, and our time apart has given me time to help fix things at home and I can already see progress. My sister is happier with her going off to school soon, I have given my brother more of the attention he deserves, and I try keep both my parents staying positive while they are separated.

 

All of this just reaffirms my decision, and makes me more confident in my decision to end our relationship. Home is where the heart is baby, or at least, thats where it should be.

[andreww]

how long will it be until you realise the grass isnt always greener on the other side. i thought you had more sence than to go out with someone who needs pills to have fun. maybe its a rebound maybe its not just remember im not going to be waiting forever. every dog has his day..

[bluewolf17]

TB,

 

I don't need you to be happy. I am fine all on my own. A lot of Joy has come from the pain of the failed relationship. It's only going to get easier. 8 days in, I am ok. I guess I can understand why you moved on, and i am okay moving on too.

[moo]

It still hurts so much...what you did to me. I don't ask myself why as much as I used to. I know you did not think the relationship was worth your effort. I tried so hard to be a really good girlfriend for you, but you didn't appreciate it. I really needed you and you turned your back on me. All the time I wasted on you...I just can't believe it. I realize our relationship was something made up in my head. In order for there to be a relationship, there have to be two parties who respect each other and who are willing to communicate. I realize we had nothing but smoke and mirrors. You really know how to hurt a girl. I no longer consider you to be my ex boyfriend. I simply consider you to be my mistake.

[SweetyBear]

It was last Sunday that I finally realized I have to move on. I have too much good in my life and too many people depending on me to fall apart because you aren't coming back. I wanted to let you know that I'm always open to you if you want to come back so I sent you that letter on Tuesday. It's uncanny that you finally initiated contact with that text late on Wednesday, although there's no way you could've received my letter yet. I responded to your text, but I've heard nothing since. Now I'm just wondering if you maybe got all those voicemails I sent you on Saturday when I was at my lowest. Maybe you feared for my safety since I sounded so lost and forlorn. Maybe the text was just to make sure I was still around and functioning. I am. I have been getting better every day. Even your text didn't throw me too much because if missing me and loving me means that you want to be with me, you would've followed it up with some action. You would've shown up or called me to ask me to see you. Instead you probably got my text back and then rolled your eyes for buying into the "drama queen" messages i left on Saturday. Thing is, I really was forlorn that day. I was pondering the past three months and how I've been so lost and sad and will cry at the drop of a hat. I was ashamed of myself for my kids seeing me like that. I was ashamed for feeling like that at all. When i woke up on Sunday, I wished I could have taken back the messages I left you, but it was too late. I am determined never to be a bother to you again.

[hrtbrk hotel tenant]

i love u too bad u dont deserve my love that i gave u but u spat me out like okra in ur mouth i felt rejected but u dont care u fell into the arms of another man so here is a middle finger to u *** u bitch...

[frustrated&sad]

Dear C,

 

I created a list of all my qualities because I thought it represented me rather nicely. It is a not list of good or bad characteristics, but simply a list of how I would describe myself. Depending on the situation, some of these traits can be perceived as “good” or “bad.” Despite this, however, I look at this list and feel good about myself. Actually, in writing this list I felt really proud of myself because I think I’m a great catch! I have my faults, certainly, but I think that my day-to-day persona far outweighs these. I wake up every day trying to get excited about what the world has to offer. I find pleasure in almost anything. When we were together, waking up next to you gave me great pleasure. Eating breakfast with you was one of the highlights of my day. Walking to school made me happy. Seeing you smile made me feel lucky. Reading or creating stories before bed was delightful. Going grocery shopping or to the post office, to the coffee shop or to the library was never a chore when I was with you. I always had fun with you. Every day we had our silly moments which were truly some of the happiest times of my life. I never felt that I needed more. We could have been broke and living in the tiniest apartment with no space and no money to afford good food, but I wouldn’t have cared because I know that we could have made it work to our advantage. I would have eaten pasta with tomato sauce for life! I feel like we would have been happy no matter what life threw our way and I was confident that we would work through any problem life presented. We conquered so many challenges together: your dissertation, my exams, your job at xxx, my time in xxx, my dissertation, a move, new jobs, a new city, no friends in xxx, rain, gray days, immense family drama (mine and yours—thinking of your brother here). And those are the big challenges. Think of all the small ones we’ve also won together! Teaching as professors for the first time, writing lecture notes, feeling stressed and depressed over lack of free time, bad evaluations, roommates, N's painful breakup, etc.

 

I am sorry that you can’t recognize all these accomplishments without focusing more heavily on the negative moments in time.

 

For the record, there were plenty of times you’ve overreacted, and been overly sensitive, rude, self-serving, indirect, inappropriate, passive aggressive, selfish, self-righteous, a pain in the ass, emotionally abusive, poor communicator, and more, but I forgave you and moved on. I loved you and was committed to making us work, no matter what our faults are or were. I too have overreacted, been overly sensitive, rude, a pain in the ass, etc. (see the list two sentences above). I could just as easily talk about histrionics and tantrums with you, although you handle them differently than I do. Something that sets us apart, however, is that you never seem to be able to forgive me for my mistakes. It is as if you focus only on these instances without recognizing all the beauty. It doesn’t mean one forgets about issues or mistakes, but you love your partner for their flawed beauty because you know that the “negative” moments are likely the other side of the coin of their positive qualities. For example, you are sometimes overly sensitive and take things so personally much of the time, and yet I love that you are sensitive and can feel emotion. This “flaw” always made you seem so human to me, and I very much liked that. I never wanted a perfect partner. Or your ability to be self-righteous. It drove me crazy sometimes, and yet it also worked to your advantage and made you strong in other instances.

 

What I think is so unfortunate is that you couldn’t recognize what positive changes I have made. I know that I threw temper tantrums more when we first met. Over the years they have decreased so much so that they almost never happen. I am allowed to make mistakes sometimes. Yet you can’t see that I’ve bettered myself. Or my much improved ability to be frank and open with my feelings. Or my increasingly zen-Buddha-like nature. Or my lack of being in a bad mood after a bad day. I will not lie and say it doesn’t hurt me that you haven’t noticed these things! I’ve noticed them and been so proud of them, and I thought you had, too. Had you ever said to me on a given day, had you sat me down on the couch, and said “B, I feel that sometimes you are controlling. This hurts me or bothers me.” I would have listened. I might have been feisty and upset, but I would have listened. I would have taken it to heart because I never meant to come across as so. I like to spend time with you, and apparently you felt that I sometimes withheld you from doing something that you wanted to do. But is it really that bad that your partner loves you?

 

On to the next topic. I know that you’ve struggled this year. I’ve seen it. It has caused me pain too. And yet I stand by what I’ve said all year. I don’t think your unhappiness was caused only by our relationship. I think it has been a momentous year of HUGE life changes. I started to notice that you seemed to be more unhappy as soon as we became engaged, and I even wrote in my journal on occasion that I was worried that you seemed afraid to commit or that you seemed to have cold feet. I’m not sure if that is true, but I did notice in the past 13 months that your temper has grown and you seem to take less pleasure in life in general. You’ve not been able to sit down and read for pleasure as you used to, for instance. Perhaps it was because we had many life issues to deal with, but I truly believe that the more you soul search, you’ll realize that your unhappiness was caused by so many factors. I’ve been depressed this year. I, too, have often wondered if it was due to something between us, but I always really sat down and did serious thinking and questioned myself about what was going on in my life (a technique I learned from my psych years ago). After an hour or so I would have had my internal therapy session and realize that, yes, sometimes I became unhappy over what occurred between us, especially after Thanksgiving when you screamed at me for 3 hours and punched in the wall. Yet, I also realized that there were so many other complex factors that were adding to my stress, depression, and unhappiness. Once I could think about and pinpoint these items, I could try to move on. Perhaps a technique you might try in the future? It really does work. I would also recommend talking to someone.

 

I will also admit that to some degree I’ve lied to myself about us over the past 7 months. Thanksgiving and the aftermath was obviously very damaging to both of us. I’m not sure how much I ever told you this afterwards (I think I mentioned it once maybe), but I was truly frightened of you for a couple of months. No one ever said such cruel and hurtful things to me in my entire life. I will not repeat them here. I never stopped loving you fervently, but I was frightened. Sad. Confused. Upset. I had seen your temper before (or “scary C”), but Thanksgiving and the weeks afterwards showed that side of you most forcefully, and that really scared me. Not only for myself but for you. I was in agony for you, and yet I was in agony over what you had said and done to me. It was all very bizarre. I will say that I do feel like you have this feeling like I want to rush back to my father or that I only stopped talking to him for you. Or perhaps I feel that you might actually feel bad that all that happened. And I know you have felt incredibly embarrassed about the holes in the wall, and I think you feel embarrassed that I know that fact about you. Yet I stayed and wanted to work on it. I tried to get us to go to therapy. I tried to have you talk to me when you felt angry or upset, requesting of you to tell me when you had violent or upset thoughts. (Remember when you admitted to me previously about fixating on my father for a year? Then the 2 months of kicking rocks and pretending you were beating him?) Perhaps I am totally wrong in making this statement, but I think that perhaps one of the reasons you have decided to end our relationship is that you are beginning to recognize your own faults, and that is upsetting. In other words, that in situations that have occurred with me over the past year or so you’ve seen sides of yourself that you either had forgotten were there or never knew you were capable of or you were trying to quell. And I think that it scared you to see these things in yourself because you’ve always thought of yourself as stable, good, easygoing, etc. Rather than really trying to deal with them or understand that we all have troubled character flaws, though, I feel like you tried to overlook them, pretend they would go away, ignore them. Yet I never wanted anything but the best for you, C. I would have worked on anything we needed to. I would have done anything to help you out of your funk as I would have hoped that you would have done for me. For me, that is what partnership is about: being a rock, trying to not be judgmental, and helping your partner in times of need. I thought we had that.

 

I have also thought long and hard about how you chose to end our time together. It was a very immature and cowardly manner in which to break up with your fiancée and partner of three and half years. I know that you still have scars from your ex: I have always known how much she has affected you. I also know that because of that damage, you’ve handled some other relationships in the past in the same way that you did with me. You must come to understand that not everyone is going to abandon you or pull a knife on you or cause you so much pain. I spent years of my life ignoring deep-rooted issues of abandonment, self-loathing, etc., and it was only when I went to my pysch in my early 20s that I was finally able to move beyond many of those fears. Part of me can’t help but feel that you have felt in the past that I’m going to leave you, whether for xxx, a job, or even another man. You’ve revealed this to me on multiple occasions in the past, and it always struck me as a fear that you had: that someday I would leave you. Perhaps your thinking here is that you left before I got the chance to hurt you, abandon you, and so forth. One of the many reasons for your decision here.

 

I stand by the fact that I am not verbally abusive. I’ve spent my whole life dealing with verbal abuse, and trust you me, I’ve never cursed at you, tried to cut you down, tell you what a loser you are, or make you feel inadequate. Amazing when you think about it really. I’ve never called you any horrible name until the day you broke up with me. Yes, I’ve snapped after sitting in the sun for 3 hours waiting for the pope. Yes, one day I didn’t eat breakfast and got crabby. Yes, I’ve come home and been in a bad mood. Yes, I’ve thrown a tantrum about the computer. Yes, I was sad that the tart that I spent 4 hours making broke into 10 pieces because I fancy myself a chef and take a great deal of pride in it. Yes, I’ve been reluctant to admit that I was wrong on occasions. Yes, I’ve had to learn humility and apologize, even if I think I was “right.” Yes, I’ve learned to respect your feelings. I must say here, though, that I feel like that was not returned most of the time. And, yes, I’ve said things in a less kind tone that I should have on multiple occasions. This, however, doesn’t make me verbally abusive. It makes me a human who has flaws. Someone who has bad days or moments. Who gets affected by something and occasionally takes it out wrongly on someone else. Yet, I almost always apologized. Most of the things you listed were all things I apologized for; we even had running jokes about more than ½ of them! My goodness. Do you really want to be with someone who is so even keeled all the time? Who never does anything wrong? Who never has bad days? For me, how uninteresting! How cold and stagnant that would be! And how sad for you or me! I never want to be with someone who never mistakes because then I would know that they aren’t really living. I really believe that you live and learn, and part of the way you do that is through making mistakes, being a bitch, having bad days, being cranky. Because then when you realize the folly of your ways or that you hurt someone, it makes you think “Man, I must try harder. I love this person.” And you try, knowing that you’ll never be perfect, but hoping that your partner will understand because he or she is also in the same situation. We are all flawed, and that is what makes life so wonderful! It is what makes us unique, what makes us us. What makes us interesting and complex.

 

In the past, you’ve been very unforgiving of all that you perceived as “wrong” with me. When you are angry with me, you still bring up events, moments, feelings that occurred years ago. I have learned that you must let these things go. You created a list, as you revealed, of everything you thought I did wrong, starting it in December. Creating lists, whether written or mental, of every single thing someone does wrong is not a good sign. Not for me, but for you. It means you fixate on the negative. You can’t move forward. You can’t forgive. It also makes someone immediately hypercritical of one’s partner. If I ever do anything wrong, I immediately was condemned in your mind. By fixating, I feel that you weren’t allowing us or yourself to move forward in a positive way. Now, I certainly could have fixated on all the small and large events and issues that have occurred with you and between us. And at times I have. But I moved on. Turned a new page. I was committed to us, to our relationship, and I knew that to move forward this was necessary. I also knew that that’s life. There are good and bad times. But most of the time nothing is easy. Relationships take work. Remember how I used to check-in with you, ask you how you were doing? Why didn't you say anything for 7 months?

 

I also want to share something with you that I’ve thought about over many years, long before I met you. For me, and many others, a relationship is about choosing someone that makes you happy most of the time. No one is always happy, nor will they ever be. But you choose someone who you are happy with more than not. Someone who you can be yourself around. Someone you don’t want to change, but want to help work through their issues. No one will ever make you happy all the time. It is just not possible. Maybe during the honeymoon phase of a relationship (year one), but even then, rarely so.

 

Yes, during our relationship I’m sure both of us got bored on occasion. We fought. We disagreed. We were annoyed. But in 3.5 years, think of how much more time we were happy, silly, caring, and passionate.

 

To be truly honest, I must tell you that I’ve never felt so betrayed by someone in my entire life. I did not get the respect I deserve; you broke up with me over the phone, had moved your belongings out of the house, and lied to me for a week (and what appears to be much longer!). My trust has been betrayed, as has my love, caring, and understanding. I have never felt so much distress, confusion, and hurt over your ambiguous reasons and your cowardly approach. Why run from confrontation? Why treat your partner so inconsiderately? Did you ever consider my feelings? I think not, which makes me feel that you have been very self-centered. You are someone that considers yourself so moral and dignified, yet you’ve been immoral and inappropriate in how you’ve treated me. You feel that you are someone who is righteous and wants to do the right thing, and yet you haven’t done so in this instance or several others. I truly feel that you need to appreciate humility. I know I do, too. But you are so hard on everyone else. You have such high standards, perhaps even impossible ones for a partner. My advice? For whatever it’s worth, be more humble, forgiving, and understanding. Be willing to work with your partner. Be willing to understand that there are certain insecurities that others have and you can’t always change. Be willing to accept this about yourself. Be willing to let moments pass by. Be willing to experience pain, to confront moments that might turn out poorly. This last piece of advice is one I’ve been trying to work on for a while now. And I’m going to continue to do so.

 

To end this letter, I feel like you’ve taken me for granted. While this relationship might be over, I know that I tried my hardest. I did my best. I gave it my all. In my heart, I think that you don’t really realize what you have until it’s gone. And I hope one day you see that. You had someone that loved you, all of you. Someone who stood by you through adversity. Someone who doted on you. Someone who supported you, made you laugh, and helped you in times of need. Someone who matched up with you intellectually, but who could also talk about the news or gingerbread houses. Someone who meant it every time she said “I love you.” Someone who saw the world with positive possibilities. Someone who wrote you a love letter for every day that she was gone in Mexico. Someone who occasionally sent you emails to show you I was thinking about you. Someone who made sacrifices for you and us (xxx; move; job; family). Someone willing to stand by you. Someone who listened to you with open ears. Someone who was strong, opinionated, and fiery, which made for excellent talk, passionate times, and even lively friction. Someone who respected you as a scholar. Someone who always wanted to cook your favorite meals. Someone who traveled with you to quarries and Greek bridges and actually cared about them! Someone who enjoyed learning about P and landscape! Someone who saw Manufactured Landscapes and loved it! Someone who gave you honest feedback about anything. Someone who loved to cook for you. Someone who found little pleasures in all we did together. Someone who tried to make you smile. Someone who took the time to be honest with you about everything. Someone who took in your friend when he needed help through tough time. Someone who enjoyed the simple things in life. Someone who screwed up. Someone who is clumsy, uncoordinated, and, yes, ungraceful. Someone who was a hard-worker and goal-oriented. Someone who always wanted to share the news with you. Someone who always tried to make you feel like a million bucks. Someone who woke up every morning with a smile for you. Someone who worried about those she cared most about, and which was taken in the wrong way on occasions. Someone who waded through pee and laughed. Someone who loved falling asleep next to you at night to maintain intimacy and be close to the man she loves. Someone who was proud of you. Someone who asked for forgiveness at times. Someone who has insecurities. And, yes, someone who is imperfect.

 

You mentioned that you learn about people when you travel. So I thought here I would share some of that. Remember M? Our first trip together. It was amazing. We escaped riots in O, saw beautiful P, and navigated MC. We had diarrhea, we found our way on the bus. I ran into a cactus. We went to N, BB, O, PS, JT, Y, G, R, P, C, CM, Y, and so much more. We loved to walk around the neighborhoods. And how many small bad moments on these trips? 3? All the fun we had far outweighed those smaller issues. Remember my mom getting crabby from lack of food at P? That was funny. It was her. And I never held it against her.

 

We loved the H, museums, bookstores. We combed through the S family bookstore. We loved M's. We loved the G. We loved walks and movies. We loved sharing a bottle of wine on occasion. We loved to cook together. We loved pressing the sleep button in the morning. Now I know I’m not the biggest drinker and you like to go out a drink more, but without your friends in E that became harder when I wasn’t in the mood. And, yet, is that such a bad thing? I loved that you wanted to play softball and meet guys. I was so happy for you. We loved the beauty of trees and falling leaves. We loved making love. We loved singing to each other or overhearing the other person doing it. I loved hearing you talk to yourself.

 

We were nerds together. We got excited over things that no one else seemed to care about. Publications? Students? Gortys? Yagul? Syllabi!! Teaching in general. Grammar! Books, books, and more books. Old books. New books. Being homies at Tiryns. Going to museums.

 

I feel like at the end here that you don’t even realize what we had together. And that makes me sad for you. As I mentioned, I can leave this relationship knowing that I did my best for us. In the end it doesn’t matter what’s happened. It is important for me to feel like I tried. I always put us first. I was selfless when it came to us. And that makes me feel empowered. I know that the next relationship that comes along I can still be the strong, caring, compassionate, and passionate person I have always been, and I will find someone who respects those traits in me. Or just someone who is strong and respects me in general. Someone who doesn’t take me or my character for granted. Someone who loves me for me. And I in return will love him for who he is. And we will work through rough times, maintaining that bond of trust and respect, because that is what commitment and relationships are all about. Knowing that we need to be as open and honest with each other and ourselves as possible. And, of course, knowing that not everything will always be perfect.

 

In my final sign off to you, C, I hope this letter helps you. A part of me will always love you for everything we’ve been through and everything I’ve learned. My heart is temporarily broken because of the betrayal I feel, but I will never forget that without all this pain, I would never be able to start fresh with someone that truly deserves to be with me. I’ve also realized that all this has very little to do with me and my insecurities. I’ll leave it at that. I truly hope that you can figure out what it is that you are looking for and what makes you happy, C, because I don’t feel like you’ve discovered that yet. I hope you find peace, and seeing a therapist may help with that.

 

A last I love you,

B

[fabulous_chk]

Augh Steve! I want to talk to you about my dream boy! Why do I always run to you when I'm feeling overwhelmed with life? I know, because we are friends, and you know me better than everyone. I feel relieved just typing this. I miss talking to you and listening to your advice. I miss your family. I called your mom. Almost called your brother. Wow. Our relationship has definitely evolved from lovers to friends. I guess it's a great thing. But come home soon, I need my best friend back.

[Vicious_Delicious]

**** the money, and **** you too. Get the **** out of my head.

[SweetyBear]

I couldn't believe it when I saw your number come up on my phone today. I think if you do call back later after you finish your class I won't talk as much. It's like I wanted to get across to you a whole three months of pain and learning and finally accepting. I want to talk to you face-to-face. We got into more issues today than what I wanted to. I only want to know do you want to be with me because I want to be with you. I am glad to know you don't feel sorry for me and that's not why you called. I wanted to make sure that wasn't it because I'm sure if you listened to any of my messages last weekend, I sounded pretty pathetic. I guess it was a last-ditch effort on my part, but I realized after that I don't want you on those terms. I want you because you want to be with me not because you're afraid I'm going to fall apart. So, later when you call me I am not going to get into all the issues again. I'm going to just tell you I love you and ask you to call me when you're ready to talk to me in person. Because I do love you and this isn't really about any issue in particular, is it? It's about whether our love is enough to help us through any issue.

[ahotmess]

I can't begin to describe what I feel. Maybe it would be easier to describe what I DONT feel. I dont feel broken. I don't feel like I have lost the love of my life. You even know that I don't believe in that. I have pain, and questions, and even tears to spare. A plethera...trust me. This sh#t sucks sooo much.

 

I am more disturbed by this than anything else. I am an independant, educated, caring, open-minded, drama free woman. My "friend" on the other hand is married. She is an emotional train wreck. And I know you will never have with her, what we could have had.

 

Your selfish actions are hurting SO many people. You are forsaking your family, your child even. That little girl is your WHOLE world, atleast that's how you always acted, and you are forsaking her to be with that whore. You are shunning your FAMILY and doing the EXACT same thing as your real father did to your mother. You hate him, yet you are being JUST like him.

 

You are a fool if you think that she will not do to you, what she has done to her husband. You are a fool if you think that this whole situation can actually work. I believe you are following your dick. Hell, now I even believe that you actually ARE a dick.

 

You most definately are a coward. A selfish, cold hearted, fake, easily swayed COWARD, and I am glad that this happened now. I'm glad I didn't waste another second with you.

[brokenglass]

N,

 

Hey, I am completely over you! Yay!

 

Thats all lol. Have a nice day

[bluewolf17]

Tb,

 

NC 11 days NC. Go me. Some days I really want to contact you. But then I just remember that whatever I am feeling, you are not. It will be the same thing. We might talk, I will miss you, and feel worst. You still don't want to try with me. If you actually did, you would call. But you haven't, and I want. Sometimes I just wish I could get some sort of sign..that I'd doing somthing right. Or just a sign that you are alive, and okay. I have no idea..

 

I went to the beach with all of our old friends. I remember how much fun we would all have. I was the only one not in a couple. That made it hard, but it also was really fun, and I had a great weekend. I had a few momens where I just wanted to start off into the ocean-whatching the sun set, and just think about you. I wanted to miss you. I wanted to feel sad. I did feel curious, and lonely, but it was okay. Mondays are always hard. It's just the start of another week without you. But I have volleyball tonight, and that always makes me happy.

 

I'm sorry we stopped making each other happy.

Bluewolf17

[moo]

I'm still thinking about you. I still feel somewhat lost. I can't believe you threw everything away. You didn't think I was worth the effort. You didn't think I was worth the work. I was there for you. I supported you. I wanted things to work out and I believed in you. But you didn't. You had no faith in me. You had no faith in us. I'm not going to beg you to be with me. You didn't fight for us. You didn't try for us. I can't believe I ever slept with you. I can't believe I ever gave my heart to you. I let you treat me like a doormat. I let you take advantage of my kindness. Now you are taking advantage of someone else. that's what you do. Your "poor me" facade only got you so far. I know the truth about you. I know how mean you can be. I know that you stepped all over me to get what you wanted. You will do anything to get what you want: lie, cheat, probably even steal. You have no morals. You have no shame. You are trash and you belong in the trash can. I wish I could cleanse the inside of my body out and rid myself of your stench. You're nasty. You're nasty. You're nasty. You're nasty.