Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[dianna]

Today....I miss you. Im just thinking we could have had so much fun this summer, we planned it, we thought about it when we were sad and stuck in exams in June ..and then in July..you gave up.Today I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH..I wish you could give me a sign..that you care .. I miss seeing you, I miss watching you smoke, I miss your smell,I miss my fingers running down your body, I miss you kissing my hands,forehead,neck,I miss your touch,I miss looking in your big blue eyes and telling you I love you,I miss your mom, I miss your house,room,dinners togheter...I miss being in your family..I just miss you as hell today.

 

To bad HE can't read this ..too bad life's gonna be a bitch in college..seeing him every single day

[Solear]

I'm writing to you to let you know how I feel.

 

When we fist met when you were interviewing me, I saw you for what you were a beautiful woman confident and fair minded.

I'd witnessed your ups and downs in the office, I saw when you were holding yourself back when someone was interrupting you or when someone didn't agree and you tried and usually succeeded in winning them round.

I saw your hot temper during when S**** sent the e-mail about the uniforms and you went into a rage. I came into your office and asked you not to respond while you were angry.

I used to sit on your desk and ask you questions about your life hobbies and dreams.

The night out with work at the bar. I sat with you and we drank and talked I blocked everyone else out at the table and listened to your voice I was mesmerized by you.

 

We danced that night and I held you not for very long a quick dance here and there then we got a cab and you were tired. I understood your tiredness I knew it wasn't just drink or a night out. You nestled into me and your head was resting just beneath mine. I smelt your hair and put my arm around you. I could feel your warmth. Then when we sat down to watch telly you pulled along side me and nestled.

 

In those first few months all your texts affirming your feelings for me you sent one "don't be big shock but I think I'm in love with you" I kept that one and cried over it. It meant more to me than anything.

 

You asked me to run away with you not long after we got together. I couldn't do it. I thought it would be best that you left your husband of your own accord instead of just running away from him.

 

Then you told me you wanted my children. "You have absolutely no idea how this made me feel I know I told you I wanted the same but the feelings and thoughts that you wanted to share more with me than just our love meant something more powerful than I could ever express and you introducing me to your mother seemed to to make it more of a reality.

 

When I moved to O***** to be nearer you and work I saw it again as a signal you were going to leave home and come with me all your texts and messages about your love for me our love for each other.

 

I know we've had disagreements about things, usually work, but so what thats part of life.

 

It never festered in my mind that I may not agree on a certain subject, what made my life up was your texts your affirmations and the walks we had hand in hand talking about our dreams and our hopes.

 

I know you used to say your worried about me on my own here, and yes I was lonely you weren't the only person to cry once you left the house. I went back to an empty bed and a house that had no warmth or laughter in it. I had to think about you going home to a family cooking for children and taking the dog for a walk and playing wife to a husband your not in love with.

 

I was so upset when you lost your job because I knew things would become even more difficult for us to carry on. I hate seeing you work your guts out and go back to a family that doesn't appreciate you. I hated seeing you tired. I know financially the whole situation was going to have a breaking point.

 

Then the worst came,

 

We'd had a child and we lost it. I thought at first that I have to be strong for you because I knew how much you wanted it to happen. I cried a little when we spoke on the phone and I tried to put it to the back of my mind.

 

When you told me by text that you couldn't leave your family I couldn't believe it " how could I? after everything you have ever said to me?

 

I tried to speak to you but you were in work and just so calm distant as though I was nothing to you and never was. You told me I had lost my "get up and go" that you were already with someone like that and it wasn't worth you leaving him to come with someone like me.

 

I'm a good man, I'm not a martyr I have feeling and emotions like everyone else. I'm not a victim I have a depression and thats different. When you've needed me I've always been there for you. you used to call me a bull terrier. well I am and always have been like a dog loyal and guarded over you. like a dog I pine when it's partner master or puppies die. I walk the same routes and I find pieces of their clothing to lay on and I whimper and don't eat and don't sleep.

 

When we used to lay together and I used to look into your eyes, you'd say "serious face" I was in love !! I was looking at the face of a mother. I was trying to see if you looked at me that way too.

 

The fact I have lost a child to the one person in the world I truly love finally hit me a few weeks ago, I've never felt grief like it not only the child but the mother too. I cry for hours I ask my God why, why have you taken from me. Is it because she was never mine?

 

I've bought flowers for our child and I've laid them on a hill in O****. I imagine she would have been a beautiful girl a truly beautiful person.

 

I would have been an excellent father. I hope you know that.

I'd have been there for her always loyal and guarding.

 

I don't blame you at all for losing her. I blame myself for getting involved.

 

I know I can't ever change your mind and you not talking to me although it maybe the easiest way for you leaves me with so many unanswered questions that my mind is tortured from dawn till dusk.

[dianna]

I want to contact you so bad

[icyness]

G,

 

I've fallen deeply into a depression over you once again.

Sleeping is a nightmare, and all I want to do is call you and act as if none of this is real.

I can't stop loving you or feeling what I do for you no matter what I do.

Why don't you want me; why don't you care.

Please come back into my life.

[moo]

Had two crying fits today. I went down....far, way far. I wanted to break NC so badly today, but my roomate talked me out of it. I forgave you for so many things. Tried to understand you when you were homeless and waited a year for you. I showed you a ton of kindness and compassion. Why couldn't you show me any? Did I really deserve for you to throw your new gf in my face and treat me like I had some contagious disease. How do you live with yourself? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

 

Have a nice night

[moo]

Dear L,

 

I went to a website that talked about impulsivity. I read about the maladaptive behaviors and thought patterns that accompany impulsivity. So many of them applied to you.

 

I feel like I understand you better and your dysfunctions. I know now that you will never apologize to me for the way you treated me. You will never let yourself reflect on your bad behavior and take responsibility for what you did to me. You will always see yourself as not doing anything wrong even though you destroy the hearts of those who love you.

 

I'm ready to at least start letting go.

 

Good-bye

 

*Source:

Impulsivity: theory, assessment, and treatment By Christopher D. Webster, Margaret A. Jackson

 

http://books.google.com/books?id=hxXKzo3A8ZwC&pg=PA20&lpg=PA20&dq=impulsive+people,+chaotic+lives&source=bl&ots=dLX0h94cLf&sig=-8rYiQTjOPqk9Y4DLzRJ3fNtNPY&hl=en&ei=WxGaSonvAY7pnQf94PCVCA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4#v=onepage&q=&f=false

[icyness]

Dammit.

 

I went this long without contacting you only to send you a stupid email just now..

On 2 of your address's no less to ensure you get it.

Yay, I just lowered myself once again for you..how good it feels.

**** me.

[moo]

GEEZ, icyness, don't be so hard on yourself. It happens. Forgive yourself and try to learn from it.

[phoenix1]

The fact I have lost a child to the one person in the world I truly love finally hit me a few weeks ago, I've never felt grief like it not only the child but the mother too. I cry for hours I ask my God why, why have you taken from me. Is it because she was never mine?

 

I've bought flowers for our child and I've laid them on a hill in O****. I imagine she would have been a beautiful girl a truly beautiful person.

 

I would have been an excellent father. I hope you know that.

I'd have been there for her always loyal and guarding.

 

I don't blame you at all for losing her. I blame myself for getting involved.

 

I know I can't ever change your mind and you not talking to me although it maybe the easiest way for you leaves me with so many unanswered questions that my mind is tortured from dawn till dusk.

 

@Solear, I can't believe losing a child is part of your story, that was what started all this insanity between me and my ex. It was about ago, 5-6 months ago and things have never been the same. He just freaked out, and we never recovered. The grief is deep. I feel it still, when I thinking of the child I was going to have with the person I loved most in the world. I constantly ask why? why? too.

[icyness]

GEEZ, icyness, don't be so hard on yourself. It happens. Forgive yourself and try to learn from it.

 

Moo, thank you. I'm just already afraid he thinks I'm off my rocker as is since I kept it up for a good month after the break up..I just totally set myself back and who knows what he's going to think after reading that.

I know I shouldn't care..but I do. -sigh-

[soheartbroken]

What did your email say icy?

[icyness]

I said "I hope she makes you happy..whoever she is."

 

I don't know if there is someone else..I don't know why I did that.

[silic0ntoad]

Don't believe my mask. It's a lie. You know I hurt. Don't tell me. I haven't failed. You failed me. You failed us. Failure is your way. You lifted me up. Chopped me down. It's a riddle I don't care to figure, a door I care not to unlock. So I remain. I want to contact you. But I don't. The person I am now would tell you to **** off. The person I have become is more wise, more cold, and more calculated. Don't miss me. Miss my ghost. Understand.

 

That's all I ask.

[moo]

Moo, thank you. I'm just already afraid he thinks I'm off my rocker as is since I kept it up for a good month after the break up..I just totally set myself back and who knows what he's going to think after reading that.

I know I shouldn't care..but I do. -sigh-

 

You are welcome. I know my ex thinks ill of me after I contacted him for about a month too. But I pretty much don't care. I know breaking NC is a huge set back, but you will get past it and go on. I broke NC a month ago. His rejection put me in a dark hole. I had to climb out and start all over. My roomate is my breakup buddy. If I want to break NC, I tell him and he talks me out of it. Do you have a friend that can talk you out of breaking NC? If not, post somewhere in the forum that you are thinking of breaking NC. I'm sure many will try to talk you out of it. Feel better soon.

[Sbrizio]

Today it hit me again like a brick.

 

I don't know what happens, i'm on the verge of tears, since this morning.

 

I'm putting this feeling i have in comparison to the joy i was in staying with you... and i can't understand why i have to pay so much.

 

I hate this pain. I hate missing you the morning. I hate feeling that there's no purpose in my life. I hate looking at girls and not giving a s**t. I hate the numbness in my hearth. I hate the memories of my good times with you. I hate having the sensation that every piece of my life is ready to go to hell and not having the force to pull it back in place.

 

When will this be over??? What are you doing now? Are you giving a s**t about me?

 

In any case, you're not in love with me. And i still do.

 

Hell.

[playlislay]

Hiiii.........

 

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for everything. I never wanted to lose you and I have. Losing you was my worse nightmare and knowing that you had the potential to "get lost" per say, scared the life out of me. In the end, the fear made me run, it f**ked me up.

 

Im sorry for every horrible word that I said to you at the end. You are right, I turned into a horrid person at the end of it all. I really am sorry. I was selfish for thinking that it was only me that was hurting, or that I was hurting more than you were. Selfish, selfish, selfish. But you have to understand that those words were said out of frustration and the fear that I had definitely lost you-by MY OWN actions.

 

Do you know how scary it is to feel that you are going to lose someone who is so special to you, your world? It hurts.

 

Yes, I kind of did turn into a psycho. Ok, I didnt burn your clothes or anything extreme. But mentally, I wasnt all there. I was confused, in that negative state of mind over your infidelity, which caused my brain to go into overload.

 

Ive seen a counsellor about it all and I think my diary helped to a certain extent. I feel soooo much better than I did 4/5/6/7 months ago, Im over the heartache and depression of losing you (thank God). I still miss you loads, which is to be expected, but I am over the fact that you are not coming back. Ive even accepted that I wont ever see you again, which is a milestone for me-false hope is rubbish!!!

 

Anywho, something that was meant to be a short apology and note to tell you that I miss you, has now turned into an essay.

 

I hope that you and your family are well (especially your nan), that you have enjoyed your summer, and that you are going back to uni #(please tell me that you are).

 

Take care xxx

[jv032889]

D,

 

I was really looking forward to going to a NFL game with you. I've finally let go and I'll be sending you the tickets. I haven't shed a tear in a few days. It feels so amazing. I am doing okay without you even though sometimes I have my "moments". I meet a really good friend just b4 we broke up. I ask myself if he was put here to help me heal. He's my sidekick we do pretty much everything together. I remember when we were still talking you would make stupid comments about "us". You would always make me feel so bad for having ONE friend who I truly care about. Well D I hate to tell you but its obvious that he cares about my well being. He's been there for me ever since the day you walked out of my life. I hope all is well with you. I want to call you but I don't. I'm positive you have already moved on. I never thought I'd see the day you were with someone else, but the day has come. I never doubt you and I know what your capable of.I'll be okay. I know my sidekick will help me thru the darkest days...

[dianna]

Today I hate you. I hate you so much that I want you to die.No i want you to die in pain ..IN SLOW PAIN.

 

JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK

 

See ya in college

[caramel c]

Hey there,

 

Well, it seems like I am getting through the hardest part. I'm making progress in that my moods have been lifted. Hopefully this will last. I went to a BBQ yesterday where I met an admirer. I'm not interested, so it's really nothing but flattery. Just thought you might like to know. What's that? The sound of your heart ripping a bit? Oh you'll be fine. Just think about all the girls you have yet to meet and break up with. That should keep you busy for a while. As a matter of fact, make a list of them as you lay in bed. Count them. Maybe that will help you fall asleep.

 

You're welcome,

 

Caramel

[icyness]

Thanks again Moo.

 

G,

 

I don't know what it is I'm thinking or feeling anymore. I know it's all hurt, but it's such a whirlwind of emotions it's making me out of touch with everything.

 

I was actually asleep last night, I was in bed sleeping during the night for the first time in weeks..I wasn't dreaming of you, I had no reason to wake up, but out of no where I just opened my eyes and began crying, it was weird.

I'm thinking it's because I caved and emailed you..of course I wish I hadn't.

 

I guess as much as I want to believe otherwise, it's true. I'm sad over the person I once knew, I miss and love him..not you.

You're beyond cruel, spiteful, and cold. I don't know you anymore.

I'm wasting my life and tears over a stranger.

[bluewolf17]

TB,

 

I'm sorry Kitten, I won't be calling you. I know you asked me to, but it's just not worth it anymore. It's been to long, and I've been through too much. I know you say you want to stay in contact and see where things go with us, but that's just not good enough for me. Seeing you does nothing positive for me. I'm sorry I made you cry. I do love you, I just realized I don't want to anymore and that I would prefer to just let it all go. What's that saying? Better to leave a mirror broken, then hurt yourself trying to glue it back together.

[moo]

So another night went by when you didn't call. I'm getting over you. It's hard, but I'm doing it. You are bad for me. You are bad for everyone so I need to get over you. I'm not going to be your doormat anymore. I'm not going to be your victim anymore. I'm gonna piece my heart back together bit by bit.

[caramel c]

Hi,

 

CVS has a sale this week on amodium ad. Better stock up.

 

Later,

 

Me

[icyness]

^

 

I love you Caramel!

I swear you're one of the very few people that's been able to make me laugh lately.

 

G,

 

you're an *******.

goodnight.

[phoenix1]

I have been so angry at you for the past several days. Fantasizing about all the evil things I could do to make your life miserable - and hers too. So angry I can hardly sleep at times.

 

Then out of the blue tonight I remembered this beautiful tender moment we had a few months ago. Right before we got back together the first time. Together after a month, which felt like an eternity. Just lying on the bed, clothes on, talking. You looked so sad, you thought you had lost me. You expressed all your regret and it felt real. It felt in some ways like we never parted. It was such a sweet tender moment.

 

I can't believe that's the same person that just hurt me so badly 1 1/2 weeks ago. How can that be? Where did you go? Who took your soul? How could you do this to me?