Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi.

 

I saw a photo of you today. You look amazing; my sexy, tall boy. I wish I could say you looked hideous and then maybe in some shallow, superficial sense, I could forget you. It seems that there is no way for me to be put off of you. You are like water that I am no longer allowed to drink. I wont drink you, but i'll always need you. In the photo you looked beautiful but sad. Maybe that was a purposeful expression. Photos can easily be misread. But you looked like a lost little boy. That was always part of your charm.

 

Our life's are changing and we are growing further apart. I feel like i've gone back in time; i've lost you, all the friends we mutually made, I don't go the same places...its like it never happened at all. I feel i've lost years only i'm older. I feel surreal, out of place, in limbo, like a zombie. For the past week thinking of you has almost been a searing pain. I've thought of you all day; vivid memories of us; talking, hugging, having sex, arguing....you and me really were like something from a book or a movie. I didn't just love you - I was infatuated with you, obsessed by you...in a way that no-one can ever hook me again. You have that quality, that girls will always gravitate to. You will never be lonely and you will always be wanted. Because you're outgoing and bubbly and beautiful. When you talk to people, you make them shine and glow because you make everyone feel special.

 

Your life is going so far away from mine and i'm really crumbling. I can't explain how deeply embedded in my heart you are. You really got underneath my skin. And loving you has been the most powerful and traumatic thing to ever shake my little world. I wish I could explain how hurt I am, what this pain feels like. I never knew I could feel this way. Love/lust/obsession - i'm literally CRAZY for you. I'm not 'me' anymore. Me and you brought out the very best and the very worst in each other.

 

A lot of guys like me...but I can't like them. I don't want anyone but you. Honestly, no matter how nice, kind, respectful, funny or handsome these guys have been....I can't forget you. I try to. So much. But I can't. I'm scared it will be that way forever. Its like I love you, and so thats it. It was forever when I said I love you. And even if it wasn't forever with you, it is for me, so i'm cursed to love you...and have you never give me that love back.

 

I love you baby. I love you to the core. I love your eyes, your smile, your tears, your anger, your honesty, your lies, the tenderness, the pain, our past, our history, I love the good and the bad and the ugly of you and I don't think I can love anyone else in that way ever again. Any other man repels me.

 

I wish I didn't have such a silly loyal little heart.

 

I love you.

 

I wish I was stronger than this, but there really isn't anything to live for but love...and you were the strongest love for anything i've ever had.

 

Please find me in another life. x

[Hastings123]

Hey *****,

 

I know this is out of the blue.. but I remember you said at some point, and likewise, that if one of us ever felt completely lost or something terrible happened in our lives, we could make contact with one another.

 

A big mix of things has brought me to this point. After yet another breakup recently, which wasn't in and of itself that bad, something deeper came out of it. That thing was the awareness of what a burden the past few years, maybe 5, have now become in terms of forgiveness and non-forgiveness and how fragmented and fractured my past has become.

 

I know all that sounds probably quite strange, hmm so I'll try to explain.

 

After every relationship I've had I have, in a sense, blotted out all memories of them and inevitably most of my own memories too. It feels like the past four or five years have been a... fragmented mess of half-forgotten random scenes. It feels like there's no narrative or thread linking between any of it. When I said to you, some time in June 2008 or whenever it was, that I would never talk to you again, I meant it. But with that, the deliberate forgetting of everything I possibly could, of you, of others, of everyone that has mattered to me more than as just a friend, comes that sense that there's absolutely no one out there who has known me or shares any memories with me.

 

Friends have come and gone, girlfriends have come and gone and been... blotted out. In a way it's connected to forgiveness, or the lack of it. To not forgive one person.. sure.. but then one turns into two, to three, four, five.. and when does it end? one per year? By the time I'm thirty I won't have access to any of my memories if it carries on like this. I didn't cry about my last break-up, or any of them actually, no matter how upset I was - but all embarrassment aside - uniquely in this case I did when I realised how, once again, yet another person who knew everything about me and who had been in the same places at the same times that I had been, had just been ripped away from me. And along with that the access to any good memories or even most ordinary memories of the last five years.

 

I feel like I have no past, no history, because all the people that were there at any of those times have disappeared into the ether. If I am the only person who remembers, who is to say any of it happened at all? The past becomes frighteningly malleable, I can remember or forget almost anything I want when there's no anchor of another person. It is a weight on my shoulders to feel that I am the only person still existing from that point in time. And in that case things I forget may as well never have happened at all.

 

I'm frightened that I have become depressed again without even noticing it this time, as the girls I've known live on inside me reach the magic number (with my most recent break-up) where I just can't take on any more without something giving in.

 

They siphon off any feelings of hope and joy or any sense of possibility in my life.

 

Right now I'm not heartbroken, strangely enough, and I just can't explain it. Maybe it's because I've had such truly horrible break-ups that this one in comparison is an absolute doddle. In fact each break-up got slightly easier over the past five years. I can't explain it, maybe it's just that there's less to lose because I had less to give in the first place any more.

 

Rather than heartbreak, this is what I'm feeling, and it's very strange. And extremely hopeless and... starting to make me a colder, meaner, less caring man. I don't care about other people so much, I don't care about living up to my moral and ethical standards as before (after all, look what all of this has brought me) and in a way relationships, sex, all of it just disgusts me.

 

Regards,

 

C

[just1guy]

C -

 

I wish this was all a bad dream that I could wake up from, but I know it's not. The past five months have gone by so fast and although NC is helping me, I still wish that you were here. Just when I thought I had it figured out, you send me that text and now I don't even know anymore if NC really was the way to go. I walk around in a daze and eventhough the time apart has numb me to what happened, it doesn't clear away my memories of the you.. You were the best part of me.

 

We had a great thing going and I did everything to make you happy and you still left. You're living a lie trying to be someone you're not, with someone new. Remember, what goes around comes around.

Edited May 22, 2010 by just1guy

[skydiveaddict]

J, you smashed my heart to bits; Why?

[sugarmomma]

Someone asked me if I missed you. I said that I would be lying if I said no but honestly, I think I miss the person you pretended to be or the person I thought you were. Because the person you turned out to be, I don't miss him AT ALL.

[Entitled]

Even though you broke my heart, betrayed me, and left me for him, for some god damn stupid reason I still miss you...

[JohnDavidTheFirst]

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've said more to me than just "oh okay" or "that's cool" whenever I try to talk to you about something.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've used honesty to help - not hurt - me like you were Simon Cowell tearing apart a terrible singer.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've taken notice of the good things I've done for you and the good times we've had.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've not nitpicked every little thing about me.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've set aside you're being neurotic in exchange for me to stop being supposedly Dawson Leery-like.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've not used my insecurities against me.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've not used Twitter as measuring stick of my worth as a person.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've acknowledged the fact that I'm not perfect, rich, or one of society's favorites.

 

• 
  If you really wanted us to move forward and become official, you would've simply showed me despite what everyone else thought.

 

And since you love quotes so much, I'm going to end things with this one from Marilyn Monroe:

 

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

[leftfordead2]

If you cared you would have came online on time instead of being late for over half an hour...because you wanted to finish playing your dungeon first.

 

If you cared you would not have waited for all your friends to log off before asking me to voice chat.

 

If you cared you would not need so long to come to the decision as to whether you want to continue this...

 

If you cared you would have made the effort to ask me through email when I'm coming back and not say to me "I dunno when you're coming back" when I initiated the conversation.

 

If you cared you would not have asked for a break.

 

If you cared you would not give me this "can't be bothered" attitude and wait for me to contact you everytime after we fight.

 

If you cared...

[wingman2]

Dear squig (pet name)

 

This break up for a while has been somewhat confusing, in the sense that I really don't understand the reason behind it. You did seem somewhat indecisive when you broke up with me. At first it just felt like you really just wanted to stay single and focus on your life and this time I really didn't want to interfere with what you feel you need to do at this present time and if I was by any chance standing in your way of accomplishing these goals then I'll be happy to get out of your way and do what you feel needs to be done. Although our relationship was the greatest thing to ever happen in my life, I'm aware that this is an reccuring issue that I believe the only way to resolve it is to let you be and rather than pursuade you to come back over to my side, I'll let you decide on your own if I'm the one you choose to be with for I don't want you to continue having this impression that I maintain some hold on you obligating you to stay with me.

 

However though 2 weeks later when we had our conversation towards the end of March, I felt as if your intention to leave me had changed and you opened up a bit more to me. You did seem indecisive though considering some questions I asked you responded with uncertainty. Such as when I asked if you left me so you can date other guys and you responded by saying you don't know. If the real intentions for the break up are the same as our last break up and the times before that then it's understandable. Like if you really just feel like you're not ready for committment, not ready to settle down, and needing to test the waters for a bit for reassurance just as you mentioned last time then I completely understand.

 

What I don't understand is which explanation is the solid truth if either of them are right. This is what has been confusing me and although at the time I felt as if I couldn't even sneak a word past you I'm writing you now because I feel as enough time has gone by to express myself and I feel as if it's important that I tell you my side of the story. Not for attempting to draw you back but for closure purposes on my part at least.

 

I admit I was dependent on you to some extent but everyone is at one point in their life. Everybody grows insecure at some point in life, due to a lot of stress, anxiety, and too much pressure happening at once from different sources. Being dependent is not a character trait of mine, neither does it have any relation with my ocd, it's just simply how people can behave at times, especially crucial times for me. As you know I was going through a lot of issues that were very pressuring for me and while I may have come across as overly dependent explaning every situation to you, it was more in the sense of venting, not so much looking towards you for advice or making me happy. having you in my life squig was enough to fulfill that need but as a couple I never considered it doing any harm to share both the good and bad moments in our lives. I'm just a very realistic individual and would rather be myself the man you fell in love with than be a phony who pretends to act like things are going smoothly for him when it's not. You know me and you know I always put my best face forward regardless of any situation and by now I was really hoping you would have picked that up about me.

 

I hope by now you can realize that I'm not the needy, dependent guy you believed I was, that I simply came forward to you because I trusted you, because you were someone who'd listen, and because I believed with both our minds we could solve anything. Yes I did want to just leave and run away with you where we can be happy together but it wasn't due to me finding happiness only in you. I wanted to just leave this life regardless and who would I have rather been with other than the one I love most?

 

Truth is I wanted you to be a little more open with me on issues going on in your life too because I always felt like you didn't trust me whenever you would never open up to me and being the go to guy for advice for pretty much everyone, it hurt to see that my gf never came to me for a source of advice. However you were never forced to tell me your problems so don't worry about feeling that you had to be as needy as I was.

 

Right now I'm confused as to what you're doing. Contacting me every week, asking to talk but seem uninterested, now you haven't gotten back to me in two days. I don't know where things are headed from here.

 

I have a lot more to say but I'm going to bed now. I hope somewhere in your heart squig you'll remember everything me and you shared together, remember how wonderful and amazing I was to you, and if you can find it in yourself to put aside the problems you saw in our relationship and look at everything else, I hope it's powerful enough to realize what a great thing we had and how you let it all go. Hopefully it's enough to motivate you to realize that there was always more good than bad and one day you'll come around again and tell me you love me. You've always been the only girl I've ever loved.

 

I miss you squig.

[sedgwick]

Another morning watching the sun come up after another sleepless night. The rooster next door is crowing, waking up the goats, who signal the opening of their eyes with their long low human-voiced bleats. I am sitting in my little house in Mexico, thousands of miles away from wherever you might be, and in an hour when it's bright I'll walk to the mercado for coffee, through the streets of a neighborhood in which there is no chance of running into you. This is the Right Thing To Do, and I am doing it.

 

Three years ago they said to me that I should just stop talking to you, so I did. They said I should get away, so I did. Two trips to another country later, I still want nothing more than to have you here beside me, smiling at the rooster and the goats, wrapping me against you under a stripey Mexican blanket. But you are not here, and wherever you are, you're not thinking of me. I am left alone to do the thinking. I am in charge of the remembering.

 

I remember.

[jv032889]

9 days of NC. It has been easier this time around. You don't call me nor do I call you. It was rough Saturday night. I had multiple dreams involving you. I don't remember what they were about. I just remember seeing your face. It sucked:sick:. I've been going out and doing things I could never do if we were together. Fishing-which you hate and listening to the waves @ the beach late at night. It was simple but fun......... I miss the companionship. I can't wait til the day I find my soulmate. Someone who will love me for me...soon:love:

[yume]

I dreamed about you last night. I was in trouble, and I was screaming your name for you to come and save me, but I woke up before you could.

 

Now I'll never know if you'll save me.

[jv032889]

I hate seeing you. Today, you came to the office and I paniced as soon as I seen you. My heart beat increased. I couldn't catch my breath. Why do you have this effect on me? I was doing so good without you. Now I'm crying more than the day you left me. I'n alone. Everyone thinks I'm doing really good...little do they know I'm dying inside.

[leoine]

He sent what I like to call a 'fishing email' - one to see whether I've moved on and if I'm ready to be friends....

 

 

Don't feel obliged to ask me how i'm going.

 

I've been replaced so why don't you just ask THEM how they're going instead.

[loveisdead]

You can put it any way you want to , but the truth is , you have replaced me with another girl. Is it just because she made it to med school? That's so ridiculous. You rather make me cry and sad but you can never hurt her........ you are a huge disappointment and a waste of my time for the last 6 years. I love you but i hope i didnt

[Brokendreams875]

This is literally killing me, I know this was my decision but I cant stand this at all. I miss you so much. Why wasn't I enough for you? Why did you go back to acting like that? What was so wrong with me?

Edited May 27, 2010 by Brokendreams875

[yume]

I called for a price check today. I think you weren't thinking when you called my till phone, because when I answered it you hung up on me without saying anything. I was so ****ing pissed. I called the phone you called me from and didn't expect you to pick up, but after tense dial tone, you eventually did. I had to say "Thanks for hanging up on me, I really appreciate that" and slam the phone down. I had to get the last word in. Why couldn't you have just said something?

 

I was so mad. I get it if you want to ignore me, if you want to pretend I don't exist, but don't ****ing CALL me then hang up. That's just plain ****ing rude.

 

This is exactly why I can't approach you, because I'm afraid of silence. I'm afraid of your hatred and your resentment.

 

But that hello....hits me to my core. It reminded me that I miss hearing your voice, your hellos, your teasing goodbyes.

 

I hate you and can't stop missing you and wish that you would come to me and say something, anything. I want you to text me and apologize, like you always used to.

 

You make me so angry, and I love you.

[loveisdead]

i wish there is a delete button for you. I keep on thinking how you are going to be with her , she is going to take all I had away..... I am lost

[loveisdead]

I am so tempted to look at his email just to see if he is contacting me....... Control, control

[thebeesknees187]

( @ JohnDavidTheFirst - reading your ^ post reminded of something my ex might say. And the Marilyn Monroe quote probably describes her to a T. Wow, for a split second I'd wondered if she was on these boards posting about me )

 

Look, I'm sorry it didn't work out, I'm hurting in a big way as well. I wanted you to be the girl I could spend the rest of my life with, but I couldn't in all honesty proceed with the relationship. I'm sure you're out with <New Guy> now, laughing and having a good time, while I'm stuck on the internet pouring my heart out trying to get over you. But hey, that's what you deserve, someone who can handle you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. And I know I couldn't give that to you, I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize it. But it wasn't for lack of trying, trust me. I tried just about everything I could think of, but at the end of the day, I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

 

The funny thing is, I finally have the desire now to say "I love you." when I couldn't before. The only problem is, I'm an emotional wreck right now, so there's no telling what's real or not. The scary part is actually saying it to you, getting you back, and then realizing I was just lonely and still working through our break up. Therefore, I post here instead.

 

[aeren944]

I really wanna call her and ask for the ring back... I really wanna call her and tell her I miss her!!!!!

[yume]

I miss you and I want to text you or call you or hug you or something

[MixedMinh]

I can't take being strong anymore. I've already gone through two serious breakups in the same relationship(5 years on and off) and this time I knew it was over for good. It's been two months and I have been dealing with it extremely well. I already have a new network with new friends and although I am coping with it the best I ever had I can't help but break down sometimes. I could cry for the rest of the night from bottling these feelings up for so long. It has affected my ability to date new people because I'm afraid to commit now. I don't even know what I want anymore either. I truly miss genuinely being in love. I don't even know how to fall in love anymore. I know that I shouldn't really be looking for a new relationship and I'm not really but not having somebody to wake up to is terribly difficult to cope with when I've done it for almost 5 years. Can't even believe i'm posting here but I just need to let this out to someone. She's currently in a new relationship which I don't really understand how its possible unless she is just trying to fill the void. Thanks for reading if you do.

[This Hurts]

You're a bad person.

 

Honestly, I hope it's a few years of some more chaos in your life before you start taking care of yourself, just so you can suffer and struggle for a while. I hate you, and if karma's real, it's going to hit you so. ****ing. hard.

 

Good luck, b*tch. I wish I could be there to witness it

[jv032889]

I just broke 15 days of NC to try and get my baby back(dog). I feel so guilty for leaving him with you. Its worth breaking NC...I just realized you are a piece of ****. You enjoy playing with others feelings. You are so miserable because of you. Stop laughing and smiling in everyones face like you are so happy. You are faking it. Karma is a bitch. You are the perfect cop. Hiding behind that badge and gun. That is the only time you are in control. I'm ashamed of loving you. Why did I allow my teenage years to be wasted on someone like you? My innocence is gone. I'm forced to fight this pain alone. I HATE YOU