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polywog

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I just got back from having to go to my storage sheds. How sad. Five and a half years of building a home and life, and that's what it has all come down to. Piles of redundant junk. Everything is covered in the animals hair. God, i miss them. It will never all come out of the furniture. I'll always be reminded of them. And with them comes you. Our little family. How in the world can i heal when the memories are everywhere. Damn memories. They're the worst. I try and try to just remember the bad times. But they were never as bad as the good times were good. F**k you for ruining everything. How i wish i could just hate you. How i wish that this hate and love would melt into complete indifference.

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I have a real urge to contact you today. I know you would probably like to hear from me (if nothing else, for the ego stroke), even be happy to be some sort of friends again, or to just talk like we used to.

 

Most days are bad, I feel like I never want to see you again and I know NC is for the best. Even after 8 months you are still on my mind. Then on the rare good days when I feeling almost okay without you, I can see being friends again and having the best of both worlds (no romantic feelings and my friend back) but I know this is just an illusion. As soon as I contact you the feelings would come back stronger and I'd be back to square one.

 

I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish you were posting here with your thoughts. You may have forgotten about me and never looked back, but I don't know for sure. The logical part of me says either you have forgotten about me so I should do the same, or you are missing me like crazy which should make me feel better and not have to contact you.

 

I know how stubborn you are and would not contact me even if you wanted to. I would be the first to swallow my pride and reach out, but it isn't going to change anything and I am not ready to be friends (and hoping that by the time I am, I won't want or care to).

 

For months I have accepted the reality of you not being in my life and even wanted that. Today it is hard to accept for some reason.

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I love you. :( I think it was all my fault. I pushed you away. I smothered you and didn't give you the space you needed. You were so nice to me at the start. :( You cooked for me, called me, texted me, wanted to skype with me whenever you went abroad. :( I ****ed up so badly on this, that I don't know how I can even forgive myself. We could've been together for the rest of our lives. :(

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So I was doing better. getting over you very slowly. Now I miss you and I want you. You are happy with your new job and real boyfriend. It hurts me so much that you literally don't care. I have never missed anything as much as I miss you. I want that to change but you were the best thing that ever happened to me :(

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Almost one week since that terrible day when you threatened to break-up with me and trespassed one too many of my boundaries, and made me realize, much to my heartache, that we could not keep this going. You forced me to break up with you. I think you wanted me to break up with you. Either that, or you didn't realize what you were doing and that you were pushing me to the breaking point. Whatever the case, I am sorry, but there was nothing else I could do. I had to preserve my sanity. Not sure that I managed to do it, since this is driving me crazy, but I am guessing it would've been worse if this had happened a year down the line. Still, I miss you and I always wonder when you will mssg me and ask to get back together. I keep wondering if you are thinking about me and about all this, as frequently as I am, if at all. I still hope that you did care, to some degree. You never really showed much intimacy during the relationship, and here I am, hoping that you care enough to think about me even once in the midst of all your partying and drinking with whores in Thailand.

 

At 29, you were my first boyfriend, the man I lost my virginity to, and I thought you were THE ONE. Live and learn, I guess. I was so naive and childish. I desperately wanted to believe that you were the one. I still do. :(

Edited by NoMoreJerks
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Slowly, slowly I'm started to feel better after the shock of finding out you are back in my town and working practically down the street from me. Everytime I see where you work, I curse it.

 

But I know I'm better off. Today I reminded myself that our old couple's therapist said the chances of you being cured are dismal, which is pretty much true for any sociopath, and apparently even those who just have very, very strong traits of sociopathy, like you. Oh dear, how I do pity you. It must suck to be you on so many different levels...to rip into people's hearts and make them so mad at you, yet you can't understand because your conscience is so underdeveloped.

 

Go on with your dysfunctional joke of a life and I will go on with my life. Embrace being a filthy whore. It's what you are. It's what you do. Except yourself for the disgusting bastard that you are. You have to because nobody else will.

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I miss you. I can't believe you now have a serious boyfriend but wouldn't give me a chance. I feel like nothing is worth doing anymore. I'm broken and after I see you Saturday I'll neevr see you again

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You know, today marked 3 months since we first met, and 1 week since we broke up. I wonder if you even remembered that, or if you were too busy f*cking whores in Thailand..

 

I did remember it, and surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When I first woke up today, I felt really down, but I heard some great news about my career -- that I got accepted into a big convention to present my scholarly paper -- and it restored the self-esteem you worked so hard at destroying over the past 3 months. I am slowly recovering from the blows you dealt me in the short period of time that we were together.

 

I went to the pub where we first met, and had a drink, but I felt absolutely *NOTHING*. No pain, no urge to cry, didn't even think about you the whole time I was there. And best of all, it was all effortless. I played with my android tablet, and watched people talking and having a good time, some with their bfs, others with a group of friends, and I didn't even feel lonely. My addiction to you is finally wearing off. The first few days were rough, but it was the initial "withdrawal" phase, I think. Yes, I am still reminded of you when I walk around town - those were the streets that we walked on together, holding hands. It was nice, and I wish I could do that again, but I am not going to come beggin and grovelling at your feet. I have more respect and honor than that. Not again. Never again.

 

I am getting over you, and once you realize that, your big ego will not be able to get over that.

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I'm sorry that I pushed you away, I didn't want to be alone during the anniversary of my friend's death. I just needed someone there for me. I wasn't thinking straight and I chased you.

 

I'm sorry that I put my life before yours (sarcasm) and went away to find my true self and love myself so that I could become happy again and treat you like royalty again. Contrary to what you believe, you didn't ruin my life.

 

You said we could work this out, but I see that you don't want to since you blocked me on everything. You know it upsets me that instead of trying to work things out like adults you had your dad call me to end everything. It's pretty sad that you're 20 years old and you couldn't end it properly/maturely.

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I haven't dated since I've left you while you have had girlfriends and/or boyfriends in your revolving door of a life. But I'm okay. I'm doing very meaningful things. You once made fun of me for not having a boyfriend, even though we had broken up only 3 months before. You bragged about your new girlfriend, although I didn't know she was the one you cheated on me with.

 

You think cars are more important than women. You look for qualities in women such as sluttiness, lies, manipulations and cruelty to match your personality and then you brag about how you found a good fit. Better her than me, you *********. Why would you brag about a woman like that? Honesty, compassion, and good human decency mean nothing to you. You judge people on how much you can manipulate them and you think cruelty to other human beings if funny. I'm so glad I'm a bad fit for you. Really, I am. Being a good fit for you is nothing to be proud of. If I was a good fit for you I would be ashamed.

 

My roommate said he saw you the other day. He saw a blonde doofist with a stupid look on his face. He said it looked like you. Since your back in town, I guess it was. He said you said nothing to him. You don't have the guts to. My roommate could sit on you and literally break you in two. We think you are a coward. My roommate never hated anyone until he met you. My mom never hated any one of my boyfriends until she found out about you. We all hate you and think you are disgusting. Any person who abandons their mother, their father, and their siblings for stupid reasons such as them being sick and in poverty is a disgusting person.

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CaliforniaGirl80

I resent you so much. I feel worthless. I feel incredibly insecure. I've always been a confident girl and never intimitated by the looks of other girls. My best friend was one of the prettiest girls you'd ever see and all those years people would compliment her..still I never felt less then her. Until you came along. Rarely complimenting me. Always complimenting other girls. I can look like them. I can splatter on make up. I can act like I am the **** and treat guys like crap. My character is just not like that. Most guys appreciated that I was attractive to them but also not a bitch who would have a million boyfriends a year. You were always looking for the attention of exactly those girls but at the same time claiming you wanted something special.

I can't believe the truth and pain has just now hit me. We've been over for a while now and I feel like a 15 year old girl. I want to put on lots of make up. Dress up like I am constantly clubbing and run into you. You will look at me and finally like me.

 

I won't do that though. I will cry. I will feel ugly and unattractive. Strange how the one person I wanted to really find me beautiful never did. Random guys do but I wanted it to be you.

 

Hopefully it won't be important to me anymore who you find attractive, who you date and why you didn't like me in the way I wanted you to like me. Hopefully it won't be important very soon.

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It's been 4 months since you dumped me, saying you didn't love me anymore. It's been 4 months since we last spoke. It's been 2 weeks since I last saw you at work. It's been 3 hours since I last saw your mom, who asked me how I was. I lied. I told her I was seeing somebody. I'm not. I just didn't want her to think I was still grieving over you or whatever the proper term is.

 

I'm not sitting here, eating a pizza. I tried to call you earlier. I wanted to know what you wanted me to do with your grandma's necklace. If you wanted it back or not. You changed your number. Lovely. Well fine. I'll just throw it into the river or something.

 

I burned all the love letters and mementos I could from our relationship. The first date slip, the picture of us at the dance, my first corsage, the love letters, the ones where you promised to never leave me and to love me always? Such bull****. I lit fire to them and watched them burn away. Hoping that maybe it'd make me feel better. It did.

 

I want to write you a long letter telling you EXACTLY how you've made me feel over these past 4 months. How it feels to have your world come crumbling around you for a second time. Oh, it's a lovely feeling. I hope you feel it someday you *******.

 

Anyway, I'll figure out what I want to do with your grandma's necklace. Maybe i'll just mail it to you. I am feeling better though. The urge to sob is less. THe urge to want to punch you is more. Surely that's a good sign.

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I met you when I was just 19..and for the next 5 years, up to this day, we've gone to hell and managed to stayed there.

 

I was young and naive and believed everything you said. You were my first love.

 

It was beautiful at first, We saw eachother everyday. I fell so deep so quickly.

 

You started to change, you got angry at me for the smallest of things..you tried to control me, the clothes that i wore and the friends that I saw.

 

You raised your fists to me, coloured me black and blue.

You cheated on me, and made it seem like it was my fault.

 

I caught you out, I saw you and her, and it was my fault. You punched me. You told me I was ugly and nobody wanted me, then you'd say sorry, hug and kiss me, saying you loved me. None of it made sense.

 

For years, I felt so helpless. My family and friends didn't know what to do. I went to work with bruises on my face, and nobody would say anything, because they knew.

 

I managed to stay away from you for 8 months, I missed you, but it was better, I wasn't hurting so much, but I knew it wouldn't last.

 

I started to see your car everywhere. I could feel your presence around me.. and then the phonecalls started..you'd come back to me. I felt flattered..only to realise it was all part of your game.

 

I loved you, I helped you when you needed it..all i'd asked that you stopped cheating on me. You never did.

 

Eventually I became numb to you, I became so tired of crying. I agreed to everything you said, just to avoid arguments. I never spoke, yet you insisted on putting me down. I couldn't win.

 

I stopped calling you after a while. After days, even weeks, you'd call me and acuse me of cheating on you because we hadn't spoken for so long. You even brought my family into this mess, you damaged their cars. i'd never felt so ashamed.

 

Everytime I left, you came back, you harrassed me when you felt like it.

 

I became stronger, I stopped believing that we were meant to be together, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

 

I would give everything I have just to get over you.

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I miss you.

 

I hate that you're not in my life anymore. I miss your laugh, your cuddles and gazing into your beautiful eyes. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and I believed you when you said that is what you wanted too.

 

You told me you loved me. I was convinced. But you lied to me didn't you? You broke your promises. You said you'd be mine forever. You said I could trust you. So where are you baby? What happened to all of that? I don't think I'll ever understand why you said those things if you never meant them.

 

I know you came back for me... but I'm still so crushed. I've been quiet, not because I want to be, but because I don't know what to say to you. I just know that I'm never going to allow you to hurt me again the way you have. To make a fool of me the way you have.

 

Just don't forget that you did this. You chose this. You chose to destroy something perfect because you couldn't live up to the person you made out you were. You told me you'd regret it, but you did it anyway.

 

Even now, two months on, I feel sick at the thought of not seeing you again but I'm trying not to look back because I know I deserve better than to come second to that.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you and the Mary Jane are very happy together.

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I helped you when you needed it. I admit, I wasn't the best gf, but compared to you, I was a saint. I tried. I still poured my heart into fixing us. So many times after one of your blow ups, you'd admit I was the only one who tried to calm the situation. You admitted I worked harder than you. But now that's it over, I'm scum and I never tried?

 

Just a thought; next time ask your gf instead of believing rumors. I had an issue with your gossip (and you believing their gossip) from the very start and should have taken it as a warning that you believe hearsay more than anything. Also, I would have never left you when you needed me the most. You made that painstakingly clear every time I tried to get a little space and a moment to breathe. Suddenly your problems were life or death and I was horrible for wanting a day of silence. I still came back to comfort you! You haven't even called or sent a message with your condolences after I lost my best friend (my dog).

 

Don't worry about what you've done to hurt me, but please don't repeat your same mistakes with the next girl. Don't put partying and friends with substance abuse problems before a 3 year relationship. Take time to show your appreciation once in awhile.

 

Also, leave my friends alone! They don't want to hear your side of the story. Stop trying to manipulate them into thinking I'm a horrible person. It's amazing how you forget what you've done to me. My friend clearly reminded you that you tried to SET ME ON FIRE and the conversation was out the window. I heard you quickly blocked her and moved on. You're so in denial.

 

In a few months, when the drugs wear off and you're alone, don't come back. I'll rip your head clear off your shoulders. I want peace. I want to love me the way you never could. And those exes you were jealous of who I had friendships with? You'll never be one of them.

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Another thing; the worst part of all of this is you were the one to walk away from me. I should have left you years ago, but I didn't have the self-esteem or backbone to walk away. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that my abuser got so fed up with me that she left ME!

 

I'm so mad at myself for being hurt over you leaving when this is what I secretly prayed for. I have been blessed that you took up NC and are ignoring me, trying to shame me into coming back and fighting for you. For what? To be pushed out of your car in the middle of nowhere late at night? Or screamed at on the street at 4 AM in front of strangers? I'm so lucky you aren't stalking me or sending me 200 texts a day anymore. Literally.

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I know this is random on this forum but I have no other way to ask anyone I am wonder how you can start threads on here and create journals. I am aware I am not aloud to but I want to know how you can become allowed to. I finally can receive and send out messages but I do not know if you have to post so many times. But here is my post to make this not pointless.

 

Right now monster I am doing better emotionally getting over you. I just need to be able to not look at your facebook anymore. I have an annoying habit of thinking of you and becoming so bored to look you up and see how you are doing. What I wonder is when does this all end? The small depression I have from not going anywhere? thinking of you? I hope at some point I have an epiphany.

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The coolest hing happened after I posted my last post Most.

I might be a little off because I just woke up but my dream is probably the best dream ever. This might just be my epiphany I was looking for...weird.

 

So I was hanging with my entire family and we must have been on a trip because we were all together going to bar kind of places. I'm not sure why but its a dream I guess. So after hanging with my sister and brother for awhile I see you out of the corner of my eye standing there and watching me. I ignored you and walked up to the bar of the bar and didn't think much of it but just faced away from you. Next thing I know a guy walks up be hind me and has a 10 in his hand. He asks if I still miss my ex or something like that.

In my past dreams I would say yes. But with no emotional connection I turn to face the random gentlemen and I told him no and walked out of the bar with my family as I guess conveniently they were walking to another bar/dancing place. The family and I walk outside to get into our cars and I turn to see you in front of the bar angrily frowning and giving me a thumbs down.

So the family must have reached the next bar and we walk in to see you. Of course you. I started heading upstairs of the establishment as you follow behind my family. I turn to my Dad and ask him if maybe I should talk to you and tell you to go away. He concludes to tell me yes. I turn to see my sister trying to stop you by standing in your way on the stairs and hissing something like "you better not try anything on my sister!". You continue to step around and my whole family leaves us alone.

I figured maybe this would be a nice talk and you just want some more closure like maybe I do. Suddenly like the jerk you truly are you grab me and try to kiss me and start something. I push you down onto a chair. I grab your face as hard as possible and tell you I need to ask you some questions and we need to get some things straight.

You were constantly acting like the guy I left you as and didn't care to listen anything I was saying like how much hell you put me through. You were just trying to wipe off my opinion like it never mattered and kept trying to convince me to be with you and I became pissed.

I threw you out of the chair and slapped you. You walked away and I yelled in my dream as loud as I could every single form of hatred and empowerment. I shoved you down the stairs where my family was waiting and I kept on yelling for you to get the hell out. I remember the last insult was when you were leaving and I told you to have a nice life and I called you your brother because that's who you are.

 

Best dream ever!!!!

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I met you when I was just 19..and for the next 5 years, up to this day, we've gone to hell and managed to stayed there.

 

I was young and naive and believed everything you said. You were my first love.

 

It was beautiful at first, We saw eachother everyday. I fell so deep so quickly.

 

You started to change, you got angry at me for the smallest of things..you tried to control me, the clothes that i wore and the friends that I saw.

 

You raised your fists to me, coloured me black and blue.

You cheated on me, and made it seem like it was my fault.

 

I caught you out, I saw you and her, and it was my fault. You punched me. You told me I was ugly and nobody wanted me, then you'd say sorry, hug and kiss me, saying you loved me. None of it made sense.

 

For years, I felt so helpless. My family and friends didn't know what to do. I went to work with bruises on my face, and nobody would say anything, because they knew.

 

I managed to stay away from you for 8 months, I missed you, but it was better, I wasn't hurting so much, but I knew it wouldn't last.

 

I started to see your car everywhere. I could feel your presence around me.. and then the phonecalls started..you'd come back to me. I felt flattered..only to realise it was all part of your game.

 

I loved you, I helped you when you needed it..all i'd asked that you stopped cheating on me. You never did.

 

Eventually I became numb to you, I became so tired of crying. I agreed to everything you said, just to avoid arguments. I never spoke, yet you insisted on putting me down. I couldn't win.

 

I stopped calling you after a while. After days, even weeks, you'd call me and acuse me of cheating on you because we hadn't spoken for so long. You even brought my family into this mess, you damaged their cars. i'd never felt so ashamed.

 

Everytime I left, you came back, you harrassed me when you felt like it.

 

I became stronger, I stopped believing that we were meant to be together, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

 

I would give everything I have just to get over you.

 

 

Hi. Welcome to LoveShack. I'm so very, very sorry you went through all of that. Keep posting. Let it out. You are among friends.:)

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Hello Bastard,

 

What's up? You have invaded my space once again by moving your sorry a$$ back to town. But it's just something I have to deal with. I'm so proud of myself for not contacting you and telling you off. No communication would be good for me when it comes to you. You are still a pathetic jack-a$$ and all of your exes know it. So keep hoping from victim to victim. You will never learn. You will never develop a normal conscience and you will always continue to lie, use people, and manipulate people. But I don't have to be around for that. That's right, Bastard. Next month it will be 6 months since I last contacted you and 15 months since I left your pathetic, lying, stupid-a$$.

 

F-you, you filthy whore. Kiss my a$$ you disgusting, lying piece of scum.

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I feel very sorry for you. Your life is a complete joke. You are as dysfunctional as the day is long. I'm so glad I continue to stay away from you. You poor man. You poor, poor man. You are so pathetic and so dysfunctional that I feel bad for you.

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One year ago we began that charade we called a relationship. You ended it in April so as to not admit to your months of cheating. You are the first woman I ever truly loved and yet I hate you more than you can ever know. Everything you ever said to me was probably a lie. Did you ever even love me?

 

How dare you try to apologise to me last week! I find it completely offensive that during your half-a$$ed attempt at apologising youd blame the friend for telling me at all and poking her nose into your business.

 

I hate you and I hope you die a horrible death for all the pain you have caused me. I hope you never find someone who truly loves you and will die alone and sad that you have screwed up your wretched existence.

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