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polywog

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Jesus Christ, get out of my mind!

Why does my brain keep throwing thoughts about you up all the time?

For ****s sake, I'm sick of thinking about you!

You hurt me so ****ing bad that I can't stop thinking about it.

This sux, so much.

I wish you would just fade from my mind for a while. Like a couple of hours of peace, where I don't think about you once, would be awesome.

I'm so sick of this.

I've really fallen apart this time, no one's ever hurt me like you did. I thought I'd been hurt before, but nothing like this. And you know it, but you don't really care.

Jesus, how can one girl do this to me? Totally devestate me. I think I invested WAY too much in this relationship, I wasn't nearly careful enough. I'm gonna learn from this, but for now I wish I could just forget you exist for a couple of months.

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Why do I feel bad about breaking up with you? I've done this before...we end things and then I want to be back with you and it's the same **** all over again.

I don't want us to be together, but I'd have at least expected some sort of response from you asking why I wanted to end it this time. But I guess you don't care because you never did.

 

Stop coming into my work when I'm not there and talking to my mom. She's being nice to you because she can't be mean to anyone, but I know you're coming in there because I'll hear about it.

 

I want you to disappear, yet I want you to want me. You made me so confused during our relationship and now it's like you're an addiction for me, I hate you but can't get enough of you.

 

You treated me like **** and I'm so stupid for thinking I want to be back together. You will never change. You aren't what I want in life, you're just someone to have for right now. I need to get you out of my system and even though I want to hear from you, don't ever contact me.

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Triggers are the strangest things. The other day it was a character on Scrubs who was seducing one of the docs who was involved with someone else. She - the seducer - was held up as this awesome person and it made me think of the hooch. Is she an awesome person? Why do we glorify people like this, who cause so much pain to others?

 

Tonight's trigger is seeing articles about the large hedron collider that is going to start testing tomorrow in Switzerland. You used to describe these particle accelerator things and how it worked to set up an experiment in one. I was so turned on by your science world - it was totally foreign to me.

 

I am missing you tonight.

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I saw you on your motorcycle when I was walking last night. I was walking to vote. Your name is two above mine in our ward. I noticed you hadn’t voted yet. I have been walking a lot these days. It feels so good.

 

I had so much fun eating breakfast, playing chess and skipping stones in the lake. That was how I felt when we first met.

 

You are flying tonight for work. Please have a safe flight tonight and tomorrow. I know you are nervous, but nothing will happen.

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Hey whore.

 

In case you didn't notice I was trying to be nice to you for your own good. You begged for me to talk to you, tell me I'm such a great man, but same ol' ****, as soon as I offer my ear, you flip me off like I'm desperately trying to get back with you. Word to the wise: I don't give a crap about you anymore. I'm just trying to be nice to someone I thought needed a little support, but you've blown that now. What I do give a crap about is the way you have made me feel for the past month and a half, the way you continue to lie to me.

 

Stop telling me to go find "my other half", it's seriously annoying. Yes, I've had sex since we broke up, and no, I didn't enjoy it - because I actually gave a care about us, emotionless sex doesn't do a thing for me. It just blows my mind how you threw everything away for it. Hopefully I can look forward to the day I'm happily married while you're a lonely single mother.

 

I know your needs, and he's never going to meet them. You're either going to go insane (literally) trying to get him to change while he verbally abuses you, or you're going to leave him. I know this, because he's treating you exactly like my father treats my mother. You're in for a vicious cycle of abuse and you've got noone to blame but yourself.

 

Good riddance.

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Hey, so I only spoke to you the other night but oh well. As you know, I'm dating someone now and I'm actually really happy! We really click and I never thought that it would happen to me again to be honest.

 

I guess now with you out of my system I can look at our situation objectively, and I just wanna say I'm sorry for pursuing you the way I did. I hope eventually one day we can be friends. It's still a bit too soon for me, and I don't wanna screw this new thing up, so take care of yourself and we'll catch up soon.

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O-

You're so vain, I bet you think this post is about you. Don't you? Don't you? I'm sorry but at the moment I just can't stop laughing.

-Charlotte

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I don't hate you, even though I know that's what you want. I guess I just pity you, and still can't believe you could've done this to someone who loved you so. It feels like you have broken me and i will never forgive you for doing that.

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I ****ing hate you. Really i do. I didnt want to....but i am so ****ing mad right now that you deserve it. how the **** could you do this to me? to US? you're a ****ing loser. You really are. All you think about is your partying with your friends and nothing else. LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE YOU FOOL! You are going nowhere in life and you asked me to help you! i tried to help steer you and you ****ing left. You are so god damn stupid. You really think those people are your friends? they dont care about you. they never will. you think a relationship like that based on drinking is gonna last? it never will. get your ****ing head out of your ass and see the reality- you're living in a fantasy land. god you're so ****ing stupid. i want to slap you. i want to cry. i hate what you've done.

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goddammit man. you probably don't give a flying frick about me. Has the hooch moved in with you? is your life happy-happy-yay-me now? I hate that I loved you because it is killing me to get over you, when you just got to walk away, waltz away really into someone else's arms.

 

All I can hope right now is that you are dying inside that your ex-wife is creating a new family without you, and that it devastates you that your own daughter sometimes calls you by the OM's name. You were kicked out of the future you wanted with her and she's now building it with someone else. And you know what? It's your own damn fault, for being such an emotional clam. And you don't see it. You don't think you're a "fundamentally screwed up person". Well you know what? You ARE screwed up. You are selfish. You don't know how to do intimate relationships because you know what? They're not about doing "husbandly" things - anybody can run errands and bring home a paycheck. A woman needs emotional CONNECTION from her man and that is something you certainly never provided me, and now I understand you never provided for your ex-wife.

 

I hate that you probably never think about me, never miss me, never regret anything. Do you realize last year, exactly at this time, we were on our way to Cape Town? Oh no, you wouldn't waste a thought being sentimental about anything, reminiscing about happy times in your life. Hell, you don't experience truly happy times, just as you don't experience sad times. You don't feel, period.

 

I hate that you got so under my skin. I hate that I miss you. I hate that I want to hear from you.

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I don't have any angry words for you

I don't have any good feelings toward you.

I'm pass the breakup and the betrayal.

 

I'm not even upset about the situation anymore.

I just realize now that you were young and loved sucking new cock.

i can't be mad at that.

 

i woke up a few hours ago, you wasn't on my mind. it looks like i've moved on. it was your friends birthday, i'm not going to lie, i took a peak at her album hoping to see you in it, but i guess you didn't go to the party.

 

where are you anyway? looks like you've disappeared.

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Well, today is your day off, mine too, and I'm sitting here remembering about all the times you didn't even call to hang out on your day off. I guess needing 16 hours of sleep a day is more important than I was.

 

I did good yesterday, I didn't look outside at work to see when you drove by on your way home. I'm proud of myself, yet still sad.

 

I'm sad about us, but feel at the same time like my spirit is coming back. It's been 5 days and I figured I'd have at least gotten some contact from you asking why I broke things off. It's like you never even cared....

 

I wanted us to work so bad. But I'm starting to see what you said was true. You always told me you could 'take it or leave it'. I should have left the first time you said those words to me, but I didn't. I should have left after a lot of things you said to me, but I stuck around thinking you'd change. You'll never change and the last time I saw you, you looked creepy to me. You looked different. That's when I knew I had to let you go. In order to save myself. Because you were turning me into something I didn't want to be.

 

My life is going somewhere, I'm sorry that yours isn't, but you made that choice. Have fun sleeping your life away, never going out and enjoying what the world has to offer.

 

It's hard, but I'm going to get over you because that's what I have to do.

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So. The email just came through, with both of us cc:ed on it, that our friends had their baby today. Did that make you think of me, at all? Do you remember that we were on tap to babysit their older one while they were at the hospital? Their oldest loved us - we were Uncle Eric and Aunt SSG to her. Do you remember the night we babysat her so her parents could have a date night in the city? We were a good team.

 

Goddammit. You are an email click away. I just re-read my last message to you from May. I was so angry, so hurt. It's no wonder you haven't tried to reach out even if you wanted to (which I doubt). I left you believing that I hate you. I should hate you.

 

You are with the hooch now. For all I know she's moved in to your place. It's like I never existed to you. After all, if you wanted me, you know how to find me.

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I hope I get some vindication one day. I hope that I become the one who forms a successful relationship before you. I hope you someday realize what you really threw away. I still don't know why you left me. Your reasons were always different, ever changing. I've been remembering something that you said to me. It was after the break up, and you were jealous that your friends were hitting on me. You said something along the lines of people making you think that I "was such a wonderful person."

 

So you didn't think I was one while we went out? Is that it? You used to praise me, show me off like I was a trophy. You're whole family used to tell you that I was a keeper. Maybe that's why they were so shocked that you dumped me for some ugly ****. Yea, he finished college. Yea, he works now. Sorry that I still have one ****ing semester to go, and will probably make more money than he ever did.

 

You dumped him about a month or so after you dumped me. Told me you were embarrassed to call him an ex. Well, was it worth it? Worth leaving me for him? Or screwing around with another guy only two weeks after dumping this guy? Are you THAT emotionally ****ed up?

 

I know I told you that we can't be friends, wished you good luck and good wishes. But I want you to e-mail me or call me one day. And tell me that you ****ed up. Tell me that you want me back. I doubt it'll happen, but I'll be so happy to know that I truly am that good of a person. I already know I am; but to hear it from you would be the icing on the cake. I think you know you ****ed up, but your ego is too big to admit it. I did everything for you, and you threw it all away because you were greedy as ****.

 

Whatever. I know I'll be happy again. I don't know how, but I will. Enjoy your new life. Hope you made the right decision for yourself. Just don't expect me to help pick up the pieces when you start doubting things.

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Today has been a really long day. In the beginning, you made me feel really flattered and beautiful. I thought there was a mutual connection that would grow, since we shared a childhood, our parents know each other, we understand where the other came from. But our paths past childhood took very different turns, and the adults we became are miles apart. Your interest in me was only skin deep. I'm smarter than you, more engaged in life than you, more traveled than you, more compassionate than you, and I'm more motivated than you. Hell, because of my talent, you may finally get the success that, so far, you've only been able to dream about. But you have the emotional depth of an ice tray. In fact, you're as cold as ice. Stubborn and narrow in your views. So generous on one hand, so stingy on another. A walking dichotomy, which completely fascinates me. I care about you so much, but you don't feel the same. I had to let you go. Will I regret it? I do already, but you were indifferent. So me hurting is pointless, which is so sad. A year wasted. I can't believe I let it happen. I'm usually much better at dodging these types of bullets. That's what happens when I allow myself to feel. It hurts.

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For some reason, today and especially tonight, it's been really hard for me. I want to call you sooooooo ****in bad right now, but I'm trying so hard to let you go. There's so much I want to share with you about my day, about what's happening with Jayvelle and everything in between. You were my very best friend, and now I have no one. No one to talk to, no one to cry or laugh to. Everything that happens to me each day since you left me has just whisked on by, and I feel so numb to the world around me. I can't believe it's been a week since u ended things. It all seems like a bad bad dream, and if I actually do get some sleep at night, I wake up crying wishing that this was a bad dream. How could u do this to me? to us? After all that we've been thru, every emotion, every happiness, every promise you made to me.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think or concentrate, I wish sometimes we never met. If I had known that you would of broken my heart so many times, and this final time, I would have never gave "us" another chance. You are still immature. You are wanting to relive your "highschool" days by meeting this "minor". And now as u start ur new life with her, I honestly hope karma comes knocking down your door.

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Ugh you'd think 4 years on, I'd be willing to accept that it's time to move on. But with the loss of your life as you know it and the loss of your partner, so closely intertwined, I guess it's taking time. I just have one question to ask you: when you went to USA whilst I was having chemo, is that where it all started with A..? Or was it before then...? Oh no, this is two questions: if you were so devastated when I asked you to leave (because let's face it, you had already left me at the most critical point in my life) why didn't you ever try to make amends, offer counselling, try to work things out..? You just walked away and left me alone to deal with the devastation of cancer, heartbreak and pain. I have tried so hard, I've looked in every single nook and cranny in my head but four years on, I just can't forgive you. I'm sorry. I've tried to but now I'm done trying and I'm just accepting that it really really wasn't my fault. Finally. :(

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God i miss you. so ****ing much. i ran into two of your friends last night. C only said hello. J and i chatted. He could see how sad i am. how miserbale i am. i try to fake it, i try to go through the motions of living my life. but im completely lost. maybe I'm the one having a quarter life crisis. I thought i had it so figured out and now i dont know anything. I miss your body and your smile and laughter. I miss sharing food and watching movies and Redcat. I miss your dog and your sisters. I miss everything. I even miss your uncomfortable couch and your messy room.

Please come back to me. I miss you so much. We had something so special. And i know it was your fear- your loss of the partying and youth and a gain of responsibility and adulthood. I know it. There was nothing else that made any sense. Yes i didnt notice the pulling away as a sign until after- but even that wasnt catastrophic.

J told me you're a smart guy. You will figure this out. So if you're going through some ****- go through it with out and come home. My heart is always yours. and I know I've still got yours. i can feel it. I can feel you're not happy either. Please come home Baby. I love you so much and i miss saying it to you.

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every minute im looking at my phone i feel like messaging you but i can't, i love you so much, and yet you act like im nothing to you and wants to be friends, i want to tell you i wont talk to you anymore but i told you before and buckled but now for real i won't.

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I miss u soooooooooo x 10000000times infinite much right now.

I cant grip how much it really hurts that u havent even contacted me since u left that vm on tues nite.

I can't believe how easy it is 4 u to move on and never look back. After how much we loved each other.

I wonder if ur getting closer to that girl.

If she's better than me, prettier than me, more better lover.

I wonder if ur ever realize that I'm better than her.

Its eating me alive

I stare at Jayvelle and it kills me.

I failed her, how could I ever explain to Jayvelle what happened between us?

How did it end up to this point?

I still love you and it just kills me knowing I'm never going to get u back.

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Its eating me up inside, I have to leave my phone at home now and go out for the whole day just so i wont keep checking every second for a text or a phonecall, every night I dream of you, and sometimes horrible dreams like you in another guys arm and i hate it, im barely sleeping barely eating, i feel horrible, you were not just my only love but my best friend, so its like losing 2 birds with one stone. I know i sohuldnt think like this, but I know everything we been through, all the trials and tribulations God made us for each other, and I know maybe right now is the best time to be together but maybe in the future, but I just can't talk to you at this moment, how can I just be friends when its eating me inside how you have a crush on this turd at school

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